Foot In Mouth Disease

[JJ 0]

Everyone has done it. Said something so mind numbingly stupid that it's foot in mouth time. I think it'll be fun to see who's done the stupidest.

 

The worst that I remember was when my mate John, that some of you had met, had started going out with a new girl. She was called Jenny Wilson. This was about 6 years ago. First another friend of mine came out with a beauty about 3 days before started going out. John fancied the pants off Jenny for ages, and also had an obsession with American singer Mandy Moore.

 

So me John and Iain go into the Co-Op and John spots some magazine with Mandy Moore on the front. Iain says, without knowing of John's hopeful conquest "How can you fancy her?! She's rank as fuck! She looks like Jenny Wilson."

 

And then to Jenny about a month after they started going out I came out with the creme de la creme.

 

I had seen earlier in the day on the local news about some random woman who was in a wheelchair, and had somehow managed to wheel herself off the egde of some small cliff and killed herself. Naturally I found this hilarious, and just so happened to run into Jenny on the high street. I had to share this funny story. She for some reason didn't find it funny.

 

It turned out the woman was her next door neighbour, and had been a close friend of the family for 15 years.

Edited October 26, 2006 by JJ

[Guest Patrokles]

None really great from me that I recall (although I did ruin an entire living situation by saying something about a flatmate without knowing she was stood behind me. I felt so guilty about talking about her behind her back and being caught, I turned around and said it again, to her face. This didn't rectify the situation- crazy), but two from friends.

 

First I have an Icelandic friend who was at some kind of get-together with her best friend's family. She swore or something, and tried to laugh it off by saying 'it's okay, I have Tourettes!' The room went silent and gazes were averted. Later, her friend had to take her to one side and explain that one of her cousins, who was there, actually does have Tourettes.

 

The second is better. One of my best friends constantly says or does embarassing things. She took a semester abroad in Cheltenham and was in the student union bar. There was a guy sitting around doing nothing much, so she thought she should go ask him to dance. He seemed a bit reluctant, so she was like 'come oooon, it'll be fun!' He was still less than keen, and she was very drunk, so she continued, 'just get up and dance, it'll be fun!'. At this point, he pushed himself back from the table where he was sitting, to reveal his seat was, in fact, a wheelchair. My friend, mortified, tried to rectify her mistake by exclaiming 'I used to be in a wheelchair too!'

[sweetleftpeg 0]

I met one of Mrs SLP's distant cousins, got pissed, and started going on to him about this lass next to ours who had hung herself the week before. Yes, you've guessed it, the lad's dad had topped himself a few years earlier.

 

One of the best one's I've heard happened to me. Bloke I knew from nother department at work died very suddenly, brain haemorrhage. Anyway, his funeral was on a Friday dinnertime so I went into work in my best suit and a comedy tie (his family asked for no black ties, which I thought was a nice touch). Anyway, I'm doing some photocopying when a bloke from another dept I know strides up to me all jolly (he's very camp) and goes 'ooo..look at you..you're looking very smart today..hot date?'

 

'Erm...no..I'm going to a colleagues funeral'

 

I didn't know who wanted the ground to swallow them up more.

[Happy Face 29]

My brother's lass is fat.

 

My dad was telling a story about another fat woman.

 

He get's to the point where he says "....and this silly fat cow..." and thinks to himself that it might have caused offence. Not that bad to be honest, statement of fact. Best course of action - carry on the story as if no-one was bothered. However, it became the most uncomfortable moment EVER when he didn't continue with his story, but began a rambling and heartfelt apology to my brothers lass, about there being nowt wrong with fat people and he knows how hard she tries with the diet etc.

 

He kept asking her if she was ok for half an hour afterwards.

 

SHE WOULD BE IF YOU'D JUST FUCKING LEAVE IT!

[Guest Patrokles]

My brother's lass is fat.

 

My dad was telling a story about another fat woman.

 

He get's to the point where he says "....and this silly fat cow..." and thinks to himself that it might have caused offence. Not that bad to be honest, statement of fact. Best course of action - carry on the story as if no-one was bothered. However, it became the most uncomfortable moment EVER when he didn't continue with his story, but began a rambling and heartfelt apology to my brothers lass, about there being nowt wrong with fat people and he knows how hard she tries with the diet etc.

 

He kept asking her if she was ok for half an hour afterwards.

 

SHE WOULD BE IF YOU'D JUST FUCKING LEAVE IT!

 

That reminds me of another- the day I arrived to stay with Lauren, her roommate found out that she was pregnant. We're all sitting around, and another roomie said 'this place probably isn't suitable for kids,' to which Lauren responded 'when are we going to have kids around here ever?!' cue everyone stopping and looking at the pregnant girl. Numerous other incidents whenever anyone mentioned kids or pregnancy. As you say, no one notices until someone stops and goes oooooh shit, sorry.

 

The roomie got an abortion, for those who like their stories with a happy ending.

[Dr Kenneth Noisewater 0]

At uni a girlfriend always used to use the disabled toilet (because it was cleaner or no queue). I used to say to her she shouldn't, and one time after I'd moaned at her she came back out to where I was waiting for her pulling the mong face and doing a comedy limp. Just as a group of disabled people came the other way.

[sweetleftpeg 0]

I remember the day I was robbed at gunpoint when I worked in the betting shops. I was alright, but still a bit shaken. Anyway, my mate rings me and says don't worry, he's got some cans and some Video's to help chill me out and help forget aobut it. He turns up with Reservoir Dogs, Platoon, and Commando.

[peasepud 59]

When I was buying a house I had to get some forms sorted through work so I was dealing with this lass from Personnel. She managed to rush them through and I arranged to pick them up so I go down and this young but extremely large girl comes out with them. Shes nattering away and Im really grateful and thanking her for sorting it so she says "no bother as long as I get an invite to the housewarming" to which I reply........

 

 

"aye if you'll fit in"

 

 

I just wanted the ground to swallow me whole

[Gemmill 44232]

When I was buying a house I had to get some forms sorted through work so I was dealing with this lass from Personnel. She managed to rush them through and I arranged to pick them up so I go down and this young but extremely large girl comes out with them. Shes nattering away and Im really grateful and thanking her for sorting it so she says "no bother as long as I get an invite to the housewarming" to which I reply........

 

 

"aye if you'll fit in"

 

 

I just wanted the ground to swallow me whole

 

That's not foot in mouth though, that's just abusive.

 

That would be like if the lass in Patrokles's story had said "Ah, you're quadra-spazzed" to the lad in the wheelchair.

[sweetleftpeg 0]

Anyone see that foot in mouth clip of Noel Edmunds on Deal or No Deal? Lass shows a picture of herself when she was a kid with her two brothers. Noel starts to laugh, she says 'what you laughing at?' and he goes 'I'm not laughing at you, I'm laughing at the little one in the middle' to which she replies;

 

'That's Christopher, that's my little brother, he's actually handicapped.'

 

[Guest Patrokles]

Anyone see that foot in mouth clip of Noel Edmunds on Deal or No Deal? Lass shows a picture of herself when she was a kid with her two brothers. Noel starts to laugh, she says 'what you laughing at?' and he goes 'I'm not laughing at you, I'm laughing at the little one in the middle' to which she replies;

 

'That's Christopher, that's my little brother, he's actually handicapped.'

 

 

His reaction is priceless. 'LOVELY SMILE'!

[Happy Face 29]

Anyone see that foot in mouth clip of Noel Edmunds on Deal or No Deal? Lass shows a picture of herself when she was a kid with her two brothers. Noel starts to laugh, she says 'what you laughing at?' and he goes 'I'm not laughing at you, I'm laughing at the little one in the middle' to which she replies;

 

'That's Christopher, that's my little brother, he's actually handicapped.'

 

 

His reaction is priceless. 'LOVELY SMILE'!

 

 

Not that one, but I laughed...

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cDGQ7LreJOY

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8WIy3E1bYtE

 

EDIT: this is the one...

 

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BZ7Ym-W3NwM

Edited October 26, 2006 by Happy Face

[curry stained pilchard 0]

Hooked up with my mate at the Portsmouth match, and he told me a story of the last match he went to. At half time he went for a pint and was walking down the stairs and someone in front if him was struggling down the stairs almost falling over. My mate starts buckling up saying fucking hell mate, you've had a canny bit, you pissed cnut! The fella turns around and says "I've got cerebral palsy"... oh fuck!

[Guest Patrokles]

Hooked up with my mate at the Portsmouth match, and he told me a story of the last match he went to. At half time he went for a pint and was walking down the stairs and someone in front if him was struggling down the stairs almost falling over. My mate starts buckling up saying fucking hell mate, you've had a canny bit, you pissed cnut! The fella turns around and says "I've got cerebral palsy"... oh fuck!

 

[NJS 4363]

Out with fellow workers a few years ago and a couple of lasses were talking about childbirth weight and how one of their sisters had had an 8 pounder to which the other one replied that hers had been 10 pounds.

 

Cue my "I can't see how a couple of pounds would make any difference"

 

Didn't go down well

[sweetleftpeg 0]

Hooked up with my mate at the Portsmouth match, and he told me a story of the last match he went to. At half time he went for a pint and was walking down the stairs and someone in front if him was struggling down the stairs almost falling over. My mate starts buckling up saying fucking hell mate, you've had a canny bit, you pissed cnut! The fella turns around and says "I've got cerebral palsy"... oh fuck!

 

We have a winner...although it's all a bit too much Ricky Gervais like.

[Rob W 0]

always that dreadfull moment when you hear someone saying something very funny but REALLY STUPID and realise its your voice..........................

[Ted Maul 0]

I don't know whether this is embarrasing or just downright racist....

 

I pointed out to another lad in on my course that Vanilla Ice's and Kim Jong-Il's hair look slightly similar. He starts singing 'Rice, Rice Baby' at the top of his voice only for what seemed like all of the Chinese students in Sunderland to walk past and look quite offended.

[luckyluke 2]

Can't think any of my own at the moment ( I must have blocked them out!) but my mate told me about one of his classics:

 

He talking to a friend of his sister's with a large handbag. "That's a mother's handbag!" he joked. The woman assured him it was not. "No it is," he kept going, "I bet you've got tissues, sweets and all sorts in there. It's a mothers handbag!"

 

Then she politely informed him she'd just had a miscarriage.

[Rob W 0]

I was working in Indonesia in the 80's and we had GOD come from the States - he was asked to address the troops

 

he got onto a trip to the USSR and suddenly declaimed "and the biggest problem the Russians have is MOSLEMS! and the problem with Moslems is that THEY BREED LIKE RABBITS!!!!!!!!!"

 

I have to say he grabbed the attention of his audience 95% of whom were Moslems

 

The VP international and the country manager shot each other a desperate glance and shot onto the stage, grabbed GOD by the elbows and marched him off having "suddenly remembered an important meeting that they were running late for" -

 

pity really , he was just warming up.............

[Guest alex]

Who's GOD? Billy Graham?

[luckyluke 2]

George Bush Snr once started a speech to a largely jewish audience with:

 

"I am anti racism, anti sexism and anti semitism"

 

Whoops....

[Guest Patrokles]

Who's GOD? Billy Graham?

 

No, THE God. He HATES muslims.

[Rob W 0]

Who's GOD? Billy Graham?

 

 

 

A disembodied voice from far off telling you to achieve the impossible on a daily basis or he would smite you hip & thigh