Zinedine Zidane

[Jusoda Kid 1]

Whats this onion juggler on?

 

Zidane's return guided by voices

A dream come true for the struggling French

CATHAL KELLY

 

Like most of us, God has been seriously concerned lately by the state of France's senior men's football team.

So much so that a few nights ago one of His messengers staged a late-night intervention with French legend Zinedine Zidane.

In an interview this week with France Football magazine, the three-time FIFA player of the year spoke in obscure and frankly bizarre language about the "mysterious voice" that convinced him to end his self-imposed international retirement.

"One night at three in the morning, I suddenly woke up and spoke to someone," Zidane began quite reasonably. Who was it? Mrs. Zidane?

"During the hours that followed I was on my own with that person, at home."

So it must have been his wife.

"I didn't tell anyone about this — not my wife, not anyone."

Oh dear.

"This is even irrational and that's why I am the only person able to truly feel it."

Er, all right.

"I felt pushed by this force which dictated my behaviour. It was a revelation for me. I had to obey this voice that advised me."

This is getting creepy.

"I don't want to make too much of this, or for what I've confessed to be misinterpreted, but what's happened to me is quite mystical and even escapes me a bit."

Misinterpreted?

Ha ha. No, of course not. How could we ... just tell us if it was God, Zinedine.

"This is someone that you will probably never meet," Zidane said.

Oh, come on. Don't be like that.

You can trust us.

"Until I die I will never say (who it was). This is just too crazy."

Fine, be like that.

But if it wasn't God, there's a very short list of French-speaking cat burglar/hypnotists that fit this description.

As it turned out, "never" lasted approximately 72 hours.

Once the story hit the European press, it was hard not to notice that the greatest footballer of his generation seemed, you know, crazy.

"I'm clearly speaking about a person, not about religion, nor about something mystical," Zidane clarified on his website, ignoring the fact that he was the guy who used the word "mystical" in the first place.

"I don't want to say who this person was."

Oh boy, not this again.

"But since it was misinterpreted ... I say that this person was my brother."

Your brother?

He's the "mysterious voice," the messenger from above?

Let's get this straight. You suddenly woke up at 3 a.m. one night to find your brother lurking near your bed.

Rather than ask him to call ahead before visiting in the future, you decided to spend the whole night chewing over your year-old decision to quit the French team.

The God story made more sense. Plus, it would represent God's highest profile incursion into footballing since that ugly business with Diego Maradona at the 1986 World Cup.

Zidane, 33, quit international football last summer after embarrassing French defeats at the 2002 World Cup and Euro 2004.

Without his midfield generalship, France quickly went from being a puzzling group of underachievers to a rudderless mess. They've only won two of six World Cup qualifiers thus far.

Zidane's return coincides with a similar decision by French defensive dynamos Claude Makelele and Lilian Thuram. No word on what role God or their brothers played.

The key trio should prove decisive in European qualifying Group 4, where the French remain three points adrift of Ireland with a game in hand.

Zidane's return went over a like a hailstorm of toads in Dublin.

Ireland's decisive showdown with the French comes Sept. 7. That gives them four Sundays of much-needed beseeching for their own divine intervention.

[Sicklee Sausage Roll 0]

I reckon it was Bob Carolgees. That fecker's always getting up to that kind of shit. He got the Eagles back together for their reunion tour, iirc...

Edited August 13, 2005 by Sicklee Sausage Roll