Monkeys Fist 42449 Posted May 12, 2018 Share Posted May 12, 2018 2 minutes ago, SpaceCadet said: Vaginal flatulence Finally, he becomes self-aware. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SpaceCadet 5 Posted May 12, 2018 Share Posted May 12, 2018 2 minutes ago, Monkeys Fist said: Finally, he becomes self-aware. Vaginal flatulence is the 2nd nastiest thing to leave a woman's vagina... you slot right in at number 1. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
adios 717 Posted May 12, 2018 Share Posted May 12, 2018 Slid right out, Shirley. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monkeys Fist 42449 Posted May 12, 2018 Share Posted May 12, 2018 2 minutes ago, adios said: Slid right out, Shirley. As it happens, he’s doubly wrong, as I came out the sunroof. I guess if you’re reduced to mating with the bushpigs Dicky is you’d find a queef nasty, but I’ve always appreciated their comedy value, tbh. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monkeys Fist 42449 Posted May 14, 2018 Share Posted May 14, 2018 So, had decorators at the new gaf all last week, painting all rooms downstairs and the hall, stairs and upstairs landing. Me and Mrs.F agreed on the colour scheme in advance, which was this throughout. Simple, smart etc. Until the morning the decorators arrived to start. As I’m letting them in, going over the job, phone call from Dear Mrs.F. She’s changed her mind and wants a different colour in the main sitting room. “No problem” says I through gritted teeth, tell the lads, they laugh, but no worries, problem solved and everyone’s happy. Three days later, they finish, pack up and send the invoice. Mrs.F, loves the grey scheme, really loves it. Goes in to the sitting room, who’s colour she changed at the last minute. You know what’s coming. Mrs. F… Me… Un… fucking… real. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Christmas Tree 4725 Posted May 14, 2018 Share Posted May 14, 2018 Is that your house? Is that your STAINED GLASS WINDOW 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monkeys Fist 42449 Posted May 14, 2018 Share Posted May 14, 2018 Aye, but I didn’t commission the fucker, it was already there when I bought it. I think the grey and white will complement the dead seagulls in the chimney though. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alex 35083 Posted May 14, 2018 Share Posted May 14, 2018 1 minute ago, Christmas Tree said: Is that your house? Is that your STAINED GLASS WINDOW It's only funny if you design it yourself iirc 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Christmas Tree 4725 Posted May 14, 2018 Share Posted May 14, 2018 Lovely Bay window as it happens. @adios will be along any minute to critique your fence. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SpaceCadet 5 Posted May 14, 2018 Share Posted May 14, 2018 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alex 35083 Posted May 14, 2018 Share Posted May 14, 2018 He’s back on his own terms Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monkeys Fist 42449 Posted May 14, 2018 Share Posted May 14, 2018 6 minutes ago, SpaceCadet said: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
SpaceCadet 5 Posted May 14, 2018 Share Posted May 14, 2018 10 minutes ago, Alex said: He’s back on his own terms Not quite my terms. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Fish 10857 Posted May 15, 2018 Share Posted May 15, 2018 15 hours ago, Monkeys Fist said: So, had decorators at the new gaf all last week, painting all rooms downstairs and the hall, stairs and upstairs landing. Me and Mrs.F agreed on the colour scheme in advance, which was this throughout. Simple, smart etc.... We're doing bits and pieces in the new house to put our own stamp on it after moving in. Mrs Fish goes off to visit her sister and I paint the 2nd bedroom the specific shade/tone/colour of white she's picked out and tested. Now, I'm painting over a really subtle orange colour. Maybe Spanish Cream or Spanish Cream Half on the Dulux chart https://www.dulux.com.au/colour/all-colours. I use one of those One coat tins and do the lot while she's out. First time I've ever painted a room and I have to admit I think I've done a pretty good job. "It still doesn't look white", so rather than argue I do another coat. "This wall still doesn't look white, are you sure you've used enough paint?" I begin doing a 3rd coat then realise the reason there's still one wall which looks like it might have a slight orange hue, is because the sun is reflecting through the window off the neighbours fucking red brick wall. Close the blinds and voylah, it's as white as a Jim Davidson audience. Then, over dinner, "Do you think the white is too cold for that bedroom?" 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monkeys Fist 42449 Posted May 15, 2018 Share Posted May 15, 2018 Dear Women Please leave your tits in the fridge, then fuck off out of it. Thanks. The Rational Half of the Planet. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Howmanheyman 33221 Posted May 17, 2018 Share Posted May 17, 2018 On 14/05/2018 at 16:49, Monkeys Fist said: So, had decorators at the new gaf all last week, painting all rooms downstairs and the hall, stairs and upstairs landing. Me and Mrs.F agreed on the colour scheme in advance, which was this throughout. Simple, smart etc. Until the morning the decorators arrived to start. As I’m letting them in, going over the job, phone call from Dear Mrs.F. She’s changed her mind and wants a different colour in the main sitting room. “No problem” says I through gritted teeth, tell the lads, they laugh, but no worries, problem solved and everyone’s happy. Three days later, they finish, pack up and send the invoice. Mrs.F, loves the grey scheme, really loves it. Goes in to the sitting room, who’s colour she changed at the last minute. You know what’s coming. Mrs. F… Me… Un… fucking… real. A woman's prerogative or something? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monkeys Fist 42449 Posted May 17, 2018 Share Posted May 17, 2018 Definitely something. The top one was her first choice, pre-“ I don’t like it”. Bottom one is what I’ve spent Mon-Wed refuckingpainting! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alex 35083 Posted May 18, 2018 Share Posted May 18, 2018 QMS. What a load of fucking shite it is. Talk about box-ticking for the sake of it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monkeys Fist 42449 Posted May 18, 2018 Share Posted May 18, 2018 Did you miss the UI out from the middle? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Renton 21626 Posted May 18, 2018 Share Posted May 18, 2018 6 minutes ago, Monkeys Fist said: Did you miss the UI out from the middle? Box flicking for the sake of it? 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alex 35083 Posted May 18, 2018 Share Posted May 18, 2018 Flicking and licking. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alex 35083 Posted May 18, 2018 Share Posted May 18, 2018 13 minutes ago, Monkeys Fist said: Did you miss the UI out from the middle? Aye, it's a load of shuiite 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monkeys Fist 42449 Posted May 18, 2018 Share Posted May 18, 2018 On 04/05/2018 at 15:46, Monkeys Fist said: Kilauea: Hawaii emergency declared over volcano eruption http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-us-canada-44001651 Posted this simply to appreciate the outrageously daft name of the Civil Defence Administrator… telegram for Talmadge Mango, telegram for Talmadge Mango. Once again, explosions involving US citizens called Talmadge. http://www.bbc.co.uk/news/world-us-canada-44149281 Don’t call your kids Talmadge,folks. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tooner 243 Posted May 18, 2018 Share Posted May 18, 2018 On 5/17/2018 at 03:27, Monkeys Fist said: Definitely something. The top one was her first choice, pre-“ I don’t like it”. Bottom one is what I’ve spent Mon-Wed refuckingpainting! tbf she's right, bottom one is better. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monkeys Fist 42449 Posted May 18, 2018 Share Posted May 18, 2018 10 minutes ago, tooner said: tbf she's right, bottom one is better. I agree, it is, but that’s not the point you spanner Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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