Walliver 0 Posted November 3, 2005 Share Posted November 3, 2005 What does the average Pakistani weigh?Sweets. Two Irishmen were walking through a forest and they see a sign saying "Tree fellers wanted" One of them says "Damn it! If there was another one of us we could get that job." 52000[/snapback] I find the age of the second joke a bit offensive 52006[/snapback] I've heard that once you hit a certain age almost anything can offend. I bet you're at least over 20. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest alex Posted November 3, 2005 Share Posted November 3, 2005 What does the average Pakistani weigh?Sweets. Two Irishmen were walking through a forest and they see a sign saying "Tree fellers wanted" One of them says "Damn it! If there was another one of us we could get that job." 52000[/snapback] I find the age of the second joke a bit offensive 52006[/snapback] I've heard that once you hit a certain age almost anything can offend. I bet you're at least over 20. 52191[/snapback] Did you miss read the thread title? It's bad taste jokes, not bad jokes Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Sima Posted November 3, 2005 Share Posted November 3, 2005 You know why Harold Shipman was called the Old Dear Hunter? Apparently he was well hung. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Walliver 0 Posted November 3, 2005 Share Posted November 3, 2005 What does the average Pakistani weigh?Sweets. Two Irishmen were walking through a forest and they see a sign saying "Tree fellers wanted" One of them says "Damn it! If there was another one of us we could get that job." 52000[/snapback] I find the age of the second joke a bit offensive 52006[/snapback] I've heard that once you hit a certain age almost anything can offend. I bet you're at least over 20. 52191[/snapback] Did you miss read the thread title? It's bad taste jokes, not bad jokes 52206[/snapback] My bad - but many of the previous posters must've made the same mistake as me. Unless someone sneakily edited the title. *Best joke in the world warning* Knock Knock Who's there ? Doctor Doctor Who ? How did you know ?!! WOOOO ! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Renton 21983 Posted November 4, 2005 Share Posted November 4, 2005 You know why Harold Shipman was called the Old Dear Hunter? Apparently he was well hung. 52488[/snapback] I don't get it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest alex Posted November 4, 2005 Share Posted November 4, 2005 You know why Harold Shipman was called the Old Dear Hunter? Apparently he was well hung. 52488[/snapback] I don't get it. 52617[/snapback] Didn't he hang himself? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Renton 21983 Posted November 4, 2005 Share Posted November 4, 2005 You know why Harold Shipman was called the Old Dear Hunter? Apparently he was well hung. 52488[/snapback] I don't get it. 52617[/snapback] Didn't he hang himself? 52618[/snapback] Yes. Still don't get it though. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest alex Posted November 4, 2005 Share Posted November 4, 2005 You know why Harold Shipman was called the Old Dear Hunter? Apparently he was well hung. 52488[/snapback] I don't get it. 52617[/snapback] Didn't he hang himself? 52618[/snapback] Yes. Still don't get it though. 52620[/snapback] Ooops! I only read the punchline, I don't get it either By the way, have you seen the Harold Shipman / Fred West commemorative mugs The Viz do? They have a picture of them with the inscription 'Harold and Fred, they make ladies dead' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckyluke 2 Posted November 4, 2005 Share Posted November 4, 2005 You know why Harold Shipman was called the Old Dear Hunter? Apparently he was well hung. 52488[/snapback] I don't get it. 52617[/snapback] Didn't he hang himself? 52618[/snapback] Yes. Still don't get it though. 52620[/snapback] Maybe if he told it properly... Why was Shipman such a ladykiller? Because he was well hung. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest alex Posted November 4, 2005 Share Posted November 4, 2005 That makes more sense like Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Renton 21983 Posted November 4, 2005 Share Posted November 4, 2005 That makes more sense like 52637[/snapback] Yep, and still absolutely shit. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Smooth Operator 10 Posted November 17, 2005 Share Posted November 17, 2005 A sexy woman went up to the bar in a quiet rural pub... She gestured alluringly to the bartender who approached her immediately. She seductively signaled that he should bring his face closer to hers, and as he did, she gently caressed his full beard. "Are you the manager?" she asked, softly stroking his face with both hands. "Actually, no," he replied. "Can you get him for me? I need to speak to him," she said, running her hands beyond his beard and into his hair. "I'm afraid I can't," breathed the bartender. "Is there anything I can do?" "Yes. I need for you to give him a message," she continued, running her forefinger across the bartender's lips and slyly popping a couple of her fingers into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. "What should I tell him?" the bartender managed to say. "Tell him," she whispered, "there's no toilet paper, soap, or paper towels in the ladies toilet." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest alex Posted November 17, 2005 Share Posted November 17, 2005 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckyluke 2 Posted November 17, 2005 Share Posted November 17, 2005 What do you call an Arab flying a plane? A pilot, you racist! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Toplass-101 Posted November 19, 2005 Share Posted November 19, 2005 Apologies if any of you are Irish. (Try reading it with a jokey Irish accent) Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem." The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Gerry. The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box. Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass. At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, "Dis looks like a grand place." He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff. Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead. Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, "Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!" THERE'S MORE... Moment's later, Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass. He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other. "Hi, Paddy. Watch dis," Seamus says. He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free. He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body. Paddy shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!" IT IS NOT OVER YET... Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken. Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine. Once more Paddy shakes his head. "Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting...and now Sean and his fook'n hengliding!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Craig 6700 Posted November 25, 2005 Author Share Posted November 25, 2005 In a bid to save on their heating bill over the winter period, it's rumoured that the Cromwell Hospital have offered to cremate George Best! Reports that the porters have been ordered to 'top him up with the stongest stuff they could find' are being denied. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
zico martin 90 Posted November 25, 2005 Share Posted November 25, 2005 Apologies if any of you are Irish.(Try reading it with a jokey Irish accent) Two Irishmen walk into a pet shop in Dingle. They head to the bird section and Gerry says to Paddy, "Dat's dem." The owner comes over and asks if he can help them. "Yeah, we'll take four of dem dere little budgies in dat cage up dere," says Gerry. The owner puts the budgies in a cardboard box. Paddy and Gerry pay for the birds, leave the shop and get into Gerry's truck to drive to the top of the Connor Pass. At the Connor Pass, Gerry looks down at the 1000 foot drop and says, "Dis looks like a grand place." He takes two birds out of the box, puts one on each shoulder and jumps off the cliff. Paddy watches as the budgies fly off and Gerry falls all the way to the bottom, killing himself stone dead. Looking down at the remains of his best pal, Paddy shakes his head and says, "Fook dat. Dis budgie jumping is too fook'n dangerous for me!" THERE'S MORE... Moment's later, Seamus arrives up at Connor Pass. He's been to the pet shop too and walks up to the edge of the cliff carrying another cardboard box in one hand and a shotgun in the other. "Hi, Paddy. Watch dis," Seamus says. He takes a parrot from the box and lets him fly free. He then throws himself over the edge of the cliff with the gun. Paddy watches as half way down, Seamus takes the gun and shoots the parrot. Seamus continues to plummet down and down until he hits the bottom and breaks every bone in his body. Paddy shakes his head and says, "And I'm never trying dat parrotshooting either!" IT IS NOT OVER YET... Paddy is just getting over the shock of losing two friends when Sean appears. He's also been to the pet shop and is carrying a cardboard box out of which he pulls a chicken. Sean then takes the chicken by its legs and hurls himself off the cliff and disappears down and down until he hits a rock and breaks his spine. Once more Paddy shakes his head. "Fook dat, lads. First dere was Gerry with his budgie jumping, den Seamus parrotshooting...and now Sean and his fook'n hengliding!" 57975[/snapback] good grief i dont think telling jokes is your strong point love Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catmag 337 Posted November 27, 2005 Share Posted November 27, 2005 A family of gypsies die in a terrible accident and end up stood outside the Pearly Gates. They knock a few times and St Peter comes to the gates to answer. "Hello!" says one of the gypsies, "Can you let us in please?" "Oh I dunno" says St Peter. "I'll have to go and ask" So off goes St Peter to have a word with God. "God, there's some gypsies at the Gates and I don't know whether to let them in or not. There's a few black marks against their names and I'm not convinced they're going to fit in here." "Ah" says God "Everyone deserves a chance to enter the Kingdom of Heaven and redeem themselves following death. Especially after such a trauma." So St Peter goes back to the gates to have a word with the gypsies and soon runs back looking extremely hot and bothered to see God.. "They've gone!!" "Who?" says God, "the gypsies?" "No!! The fucking Pearly Gates!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brock Manson 0 Posted November 27, 2005 Share Posted November 27, 2005 The Pope is bored and so is filling out the crossword in the newspaper. He turns to his advisors for help: "four letters, strictly female, last 3 letters: u, n, t." "Aunt" they say. "Ah yes" smiles the pope. "Do you have a rubber?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NJS 4411 Posted November 27, 2005 Share Posted November 27, 2005 The Pope is bored and so is filling out the crossword in the newspaper. He turns to his advisors for help:"four letters, strictly female, last 3 letters: u, n, t." "Aunt" they say. "Ah yes" smiles the pope. "Do you have a rubber?" 61742[/snapback] The Pope asking for a rubber? - thats your place in hell confirmed Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brock Manson 0 Posted November 27, 2005 Share Posted November 27, 2005 The Pope is bored and so is filling out the crossword in the newspaper. He turns to his advisors for help:"four letters, strictly female, last 3 letters: u, n, t." "Aunt" they say. "Ah yes" smiles the pope. "Do you have a rubber?" 61742[/snapback] The Pope asking for a rubber? - thats your place in hell confirmed 61745[/snapback] Fine then an eraser but it was a class joke and you know it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
NJS 4411 Posted November 27, 2005 Share Posted November 27, 2005 The Pope is bored and so is filling out the crossword in the newspaper. He turns to his advisors for help:"four letters, strictly female, last 3 letters: u, n, t." "Aunt" they say. "Ah yes" smiles the pope. "Do you have a rubber?" 61742[/snapback] The Pope asking for a rubber? - thats your place in hell confirmed 61745[/snapback] Fine then an eraser but it was a class joke and you know it. 61746[/snapback] Agreed but I couldn't resist. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mags 1 Posted November 28, 2005 Share Posted November 28, 2005 A young boy says "Mummy, do they put up Christmas decorations in Vietnam?" His mother replies "No but I've heard they may be hanging Glitter this year." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Fish 10963 Posted November 30, 2005 Share Posted November 30, 2005 what do you get if you cross a donkey's heart and half an onion? a piece of ass that'll make your eyes water Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
snakehips 0 Posted November 30, 2005 Share Posted November 30, 2005 Classroom full of young children and the teacher asks for suggestions of collective nouns. Teacher: 'Mary, you were first with your hand up.' Mary: 'A flock of sheep, miss.' Teacher: 'That's good. Now David, what is yours?' David: 'A herd of cows, miss.' Teacher: 'Very good David.' Nervously, Jonny (it's always Jonny) is at the back of the class slowly lowering his arm, unsure of his answer. Teacher: 'Come on Jonny, what were you going to say?' Jonny: 'Well miss, I was going to say.... a dose of crabs?' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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