Viz Top Tips

[Scottish Mag 3]

Save a fortune on laundry bills. Give your dirty shirts to Oxfam. They

will wash and iron them and you can buy them back for fifty pence.

J B Cartland, Brighton.

 

Suck the eyes from attacking zombies using a Black & Decker

"Dustbuster." The zombies will then wander aimlessly and can be

dispatched by the more usual methods at a more leisurely pace.

J. T., Thropton.

 

Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your

chin into a bowl of iron filings.

B Villbens, Birmingham.

 

X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by

drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange

place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously

"erased."

Sam Neffendorf, Weybridge.

 

A hedgehog trained to scuttle up and down the table from guest to

guest makes an unusual mobile cheese and pineapple cube nibble

dispenser at cocktail parties.

L Traintu, Clarkesville.

 

Domestos is an ideal substitute for Blue Curaco, and far less pricey.

It gives any cocktail a bit of "oomph."

James Francis, East Glamorgan Hospital.

 

Whilst in bed protect yourself from vampires and werewolves by hiding

under the covers.

Charles Holley, Newcastle.

 

Make cheap but effective baby rattles by gluing a lollipop stick to an

empty matchbox, then filling it with ten woodlice.

Ms. G. M. Dowd, Wigan.

 

Foil pick pockets by placing a freshly toasted "Pop Tart" in each

pocket. Would-be thieves will quickly rupture the fragile pastry and

receive nasty finger burns from the steaming hot jam inside.

P.Turner, Liverpool L17.

 

Confuse shopkeepers by buying a sheet of wrapping paper and asking

them to wrap it.

D. Treloar, Wandsworth.

 

A length of plastic drainpipe with a roller skate at each end makes an

ideal "car" for snakes.

G. Dorson, Skipton.

 

Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and

grazes with thin strips of bacon.

Phil Wasey, Liverpool.

 

Can’t afford contact lenses? Simply cut out small circles of cling film

and press them into your eyes.

D. Stokes, Middlesex.

 

Stop bread from drying out by keeping it in a bucket of water.

P.J. Ruddock, London.

 

Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply

changing your name to match your existing plate.

Mr KVL 74IY, Lincoln.

 

Cyclists. Next time you're out on your bike take a tin bath and about

4 or 5 gallons of water in plastic containers. In the event of a flat

tire this will help you locate any punctures you may have.

Andy Hodgeson, Manchester.

 

Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to

the object you wish to view.

S Goldhanger, Fulchester.

 

Pop a few tea bags in your hot water tank and you can make a hot cuppa

anytime by just turning on the tap.

Mrs. M Growitt, Birmingham.

 

Avoid jet lag by simply taking an earlier flight, thus arriving fully

refreshed and on time.

Sgt. R. J. Crowe, 662 Squadron, Germany.

 

Put a stop to car thieves by siphoning off all your petrol whenever

you park your car, and carrying it round with you in one or two

Plastic buckets.

D. Griffiths, Kent.

 

Pass off as Welsh by putting coal dust behind your fingernails and

talking gibberish all the time, stopping occasionally to sing loudly,

or set fire to someone else's house.

Mr P. Lilburn, Rotherham.

 

Record the sound of your wife having an orgasm, and then listen to the

tape through headphones next time you make love. That way you can have

sex without waking her up.

Frank Wilson, Southend.

 

Fellas. Next time you have to wrap up a present, don't, because you're

shite at it. Give it to the wife and she'll do it properly with extra

girlie bows and fiddly bits while you're down the pub.

Daphnie Treloar, Cardiff.

 

Girls. Next time you feel like throwing a ball over-arm, don't,

because you cant and it just looks silly. Just throw it girlie under-

arm style, and no-one will laugh at you, or get hurt.

D Thresher, Wapping.

 

Why pay the earth for expensive jigsaws? Just take a bag of frozen

chips from the freezer and try piercing together potatoes.

B Reastford, Iranville, Notts.

 

Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the

fishes' eyes bulge and causes them to swim in an amusing manner.

 

Smell gas? Locate the suspected leak by striking an ordinary match in

every room in the house until a loud explosion reveals the source of

the escaping gas.

N. Burke, Manchester.

 

As adverts on the television tell us not to use light switches if we

smell gas, I find it useful to always have a candle ready for use in

such emergencies.

Mrs. D Bibby, Rugby.

 

Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the

direction of oncoming traffic.

D. Rogers, Hemel Hempstead.

 

When crossing a one-way street always look in BOTH directions in case

a large, blue furniture removal lorry is reversing the wrong way up

the road.

D. Rogers Hemel, Hempstead General Infirmary.

 

Avoid paying tax by going to work in a politically unstable Middle

East country inhabited by religious fanatics. Ignore British

Government advice to leave when a war looks imminent, then moan a

few weeks later when bombs start going off and there aren't any

planes home.

S Goblin, Middlesex.

 

Always keep a pound of lard in your pocket so that if you get your

head stuck in railings you'll be able to grease your ears and slide

out.

Kate Emblen, Uxbridge.

 

Cyclists. Why not try stopping at red lights like everyone else,

instead of riding up onto the pavement to avoid them. Stupid ba***rds.

M Burridge, Newcastle.

 

Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.

P Raker, Chatham.

 

Avoid losing contact lenses by drilling a small hole in each one and

attaching them with a length of nylon fishing line. This can then be

worn around the neck.

B Morgan, Criccieth.

 

Don't buy expensive "ribbed" condoms, just buy an ordinary one and

slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

D Duckham, Didford.

 

Exterior wood stain is a fast, long-lasting and attractive alternative

to sun-bed treatments.

Mr T. Eebly, Warstead.

 

Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating

cakes again.

P Loft, Gateshead.

 

I regularly drive to the pub, but am never guilty of drink driving.

The secret is to consume so much alcohol that by closing time you have

completely forgotten ever owning a car.

Mike Grey, Essex.

 

Prevent crisps cutting your gums and getting caught between teeth by

steeping them in a bowl of water before eating them.

T.C. Jackson, York.

 

Werewolf enthusiasts. get that "wolfy" feeling every night by simply

gluing a paper plate to your bedroom window.

J. Bradley, Beeston, Notts.

 

Mix tea with coffee, and leave in the fridge to cool. Hey presto!

Toffee.

A. Sharp, Birmingham.

 

Office workers. Avoid distractions from your important paperwork by

making "blinkers" out of two Post-It note stickers, one stuck to each

temple.

Fanny Cyclops, South Norwood.

 

Internet users. Try "accessing" your local newsagents and "download" a

few wank mags from the top shelf. They're cheaper than computers, and

easier to smuggle into the toilet.

Carl Hesketh, Blackburn.

 

A next door neighbours car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal

coat hanger in an emergency.

Nick Jeggo, Adbaston, Staffs.

 

Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest,

imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your

intended destination in the first place.

Fanny Cyclops, South Norwood.

 

Record the sound of your washing machine onto a tape, then confuse

neighbours by playing it back on a battery operated cassette player

during a powercut.

Howard Urmenyl, Amersham, Leo Sayer country.

 

Next time you go drink driving ask a friend or relative to follow you

on a moped carrying a camera. Then, if you crash, they can take the

blame.

Bastien Phelp, Bath.

 

Deter goldfish from having sex by throwing a small bucket of air over

any that you catch in the act.

W. T. Conqueror, Hastings.

 

Play "Indiana Jones" with your pet mouse using a length of drainpipe

and a cricket ball.

I. K. Brunel, Bristol.

 

Always fart into the rings on top of your gas cooker. This will turn

back the gas meter, and save you pounds over a period of time.

C. Custer, Little Bighorn.

 

Play "Moth Aircraft Carriers" by floating a shoe box in the bath with

a torch attached. Leave a window open for ten minutes, then turn off

the room lights and watch as the moths attempt to make their dramatic

and dangerous landings.

Neil Davis, e-mail.

 

Car cigarette lighters make ideal mini "High Chaparral" style branding

irons.

J.T. Thropton.

 

An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an

inexpensive vibrator.

Sister S. Berwick, Blackrod.

 

Terrify ants into believing they have been invaded by "War Of The

Worlds" style Martians by standing 3 pin plugs on end around their

holes.

J.T. Thropton.

 

Fool passers by into thinking you keep a bird of prey by walking down

the street wearing a leather gauntlet, waving a piece of raw meat in

your hand and constantly looking up into the sky.

Simone Glover, Tottenham.

 

 

Give up smoking by sticking one cigarette from each new pack up a fat

friend's arse, filter first, then replacing it in the box. The

possibility of putting that one in your mouth will put you off

smoking any of them.

 

Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the

chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f**king

thing in the first place, you fat ba***rds.

 

Make your girlfriend cry when you're having sex by phoning her up and

telling her.

 

Bearded men can obtain the appearance of an upper class Arctic

explorer by simply applying Tippex to their beards, painting their

noses blue, and cutting off a couple of toes. It never fails to

impress the girls.

 

If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a

jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is

almost instantly removed.

 

Avoid cutting yourself while clumsily slicing vegetables by getting

someone else to hold them while you chop away.

 

Housewives. When nipping out to the shops, remember to carry a stiff

broom in the boot of your car. Use it to sweep the broken glass to the

side of the road every time you have a minor accident.

 

Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding

at people as they walk up the aisle.

 

Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following

morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a

thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on

the wall.

 

Make bathtimes as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by

pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.

 

Increase blind people's electricity bills by switching all their

lights on when their guide dog isn't looking.

 

Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home

by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach,

then urinating into it, before jumping in.

 

Girls. Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get pissed, lie in

a sand pit in your garden, and shag every bloke who looks at you over

the fence.

 

Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic

steroids by running a bit slower.

B. Johnson, Canada.

 

Sweetcorn fans. Save money on loo paper by simply pouring the stuff

straight down the pan.

 

Pretend you're a giant panda by giving yourself two black eyes, eating

only bamboo shoots and refusing to have sex with the missus.

 

Manchester United fans. Save money on expensive new kits by simply

strapping a large fake penis to your forehead. It is now clear to all,

as to your allegiance.

 

Manchester United fans. Avoid an asymetrical bulge in your right arm

by masturbating furiously with your left arm too.

 

Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply

pissing in the sink.

 

Weedy fellas. Develop a right forearm like Arnold Schwarzenegger by

buying one of those Cindy Crawford workout videos.

 

Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next

fag from the butt of your last one.

 

Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or

veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat

substitute, etc "tastes exactly like the real thing," they won't know

any difference.

 

Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt

be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about

yours, and ask for a nice steak.

 

Spice up your sex life by trying a bit of "rodeo sex." Take your

missus from behind and, holding on tightly to her jugs, call her by

the wrong name. See how long you can "stay mounted" for.

 

Blind people - give yourself at least a chance of seeing things by not wearing dark glasses all the time

[catmag 337]

Just been sent an e-mail with some of these in. Thought you boys would like this one..

 

WOMEN: Don't waste energy faking orgasms. Most men couldn't give a s**t

anyway and you could use the saved energy to hoover the house afterwards.

 

[Craig 6707]

Just been sent an e-mail with some of these in. Thought you boys would like this one..

 

WOMEN: Don't waste energy faking orgasms. Most men couldn't give a s**t

anyway and you could use the saved energy to hoover the house afterwards.

 

37437[/snapback]

 

*cough*

 

http://www.toontastic.net/forum/index.php?showtopic=1560

 

[catmag 337]

Just been sent an e-mail with some of these in. Thought you boys would like this one..

 

WOMEN: Don't waste energy faking orgasms. Most men couldn't give a s**t

anyway and you could use the saved energy to hoover the house afterwards.

 

37437[/snapback]

 

*cough*

 

http://www.toontastic.net/forum/index.php?showtopic=1560

 

37444[/snapback]

 

I'll just go and sit back in my corner and be quiet now.......

[Craig 6707]

 

It's fair enough, it was 3 weeks ago and fell down the list pretty quickly....

[Hatful Of Hollow 0]

Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the

direction of oncoming traffic.

D. Rogers, Hemel Hempstead.

 

When crossing a one-way street always look in BOTH directions in case

a large, blue furniture removal lorry is reversing the wrong way up

the road.

D. Rogers Hemel, Hempstead General Infirmary.

 

Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply

changing your name to match your existing plate.

Mr KVL 74IY, Lincoln.

 

Record the sound of your washing machine onto a tape, then confuse

neighbours by playing it back on a battery operated cassette player

during a powercut.

Howard Urmenyl, Amersham, Leo Sayer country.

 

Increase blind people's electricity bills by switching all their

lights on when their guide dog isn't looking.

 

Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic

steroids by running a bit slower.

B. Johnson, Canada.

 

 

Edited September 22, 2005 by Hatful Of Hollow

[snakehips 0]

Put black shoe polish on your new car aerial that you have just bought this afternoon from Halfords @ £9.99, so that the next time some fucking charv thief tries to nick it again he will get his hands covered in exceedingly difficult-to-remove black polish! FUCKIN' TWAT.

 

Ann Oid, Angryville.

 

(okay, I've just made it up but I intend to do just what I have suggested)

[emperor_k 1]

[Happy Face 29]

FOOL everyone into thinking you have just eaten an apple by rubbing your tummy and saying loudly "Mmm! That was a lovely apple."

[Happy Face 29]

GERMANS. Don't waste money on expensive, professionally produced scat movies. Simply set your video to record every athletics meeting involving Paula Radcliffe and Hey Presto! After a couple of years you'll have a scat video library second to none.

Alex, Newcastle

[sweetleftpeg 0]

GERMANS. Don't waste money on expensive, professionally produced scat movies. Simply set your video to record every athletics meeting involving Paula Radcliffe and Hey Presto! After a couple of years you'll have a scat video library second to none.

Alex, Newcastle

37759[/snapback]

 

They arrested someone at the start of the Great North Run as he was hiding in the bushes videoing lasses taking pisses before the race. Hmmm...Alex...Newcastle....hmmmm.....

[snakehips 0]

They arrested someone at the start of the Great North Run as he was hiding in the bushes videoing lasses taking pisses before the race. Hmmm...Alex...Newcastle....hmmmm..... 

37821[/snapback]

 

[snakehips 0]

They arrested someone at the start of the Great North Run as he was hiding in the bushes videoing lasses taking pisses before the race. Hmmm...Alex...Newcastle....hmmmm..... 

37821[/snapback]

 

Going off on a different tack for a second, I could never understand this fascination some people have for seeing others pissing or golden showers

 

A colleague of mine professed his interest in it once - much to the stunned surprise of the rest of us. (he has, of course, received the appropriate amount of stick)

[luckyluke 2]

My favourite isn't there I think, which came out shortly after the Nazi uniform scandal:

 

Royals. Avoid embarressment over Prince Harry's antics by simply admitting that he is the son of James Hewitt, and therefore nothing to do with you.

[Guest alex]

GERMANS. Don't waste money on expensive, professionally produced scat movies. Simply set your video to record every athletics meeting involving Paula Radcliffe and Hey Presto! After a couple of years you'll have a scat video library second to none.

Alex, Newcastle

37759[/snapback]

 

They arrested someone at the start of the Great North Run as he was hiding in the bushes videoing lasses taking pisses before the race. Hmmm...Alex...Newcastle....hmmmm.....

37821[/snapback]