Holidays 2024

[Howmanheyman 33173]

2 hours ago, Gemmill said:

 

We go to hotels where kids aren't allowed anyway, cos why listen to all the round the pool screaming if you don't have to, but it's still an arm and a leg. 

 

I think hotels are missing a trick by not making 'gammon/cockney/mackem' free hotels so you don't have to listen to their shit. (When we go away it's usually a villa/bungalow but I'm just future proofing it for when/if we do hotels again). 

[Gemmill 44853]

2 minutes ago, Howmanheyman said:

 

I think hotels are missing a trick by not making 'gammon/cockney/mackem' free hotels so you don't have to listen to their shit. (When we go away it's usually a villa/bungalow but I'm just future proofing it for when/if we do hotels again). 

 

I self-correct for this by just not talking to ANYONE when I'm on holiday and wearing headphones at all times by the pool. I don't want holiday friends. I don't understand people that want holiday friends. Everyone can fuck off when I'm on holiday. 

[Gemmill 44853]

I've just remembered, the last time I was abroad we were in Zanzibar and went out on this boat trip thing. There was a bit where you could get in the water and there was this old American wife there who was away on an organised trip with a bunch of other old people. 

 

But she was the only one who had come on the boat trip. So we're all in the sea and she starts basically saying she needs to get back to the boat. She wasn't having difficulties or anything, but I think that would have come if she'd stayed in. So I said howay, I'll swim back to the boat with you. But when we got to the boat, she couldn't climb up the ladder cos she had no strength in her arms or legs. 

 

So there's a bloke on the boat trying to pull her up, but he was fucking hopeless and he's shouting down to me to give her a push. But the only thing available to me to push was her big old swimsuit covered arse.

 

So I'm trying to wait to see if dickhead on the boat can get her on, but she's in danger of falling back into the water and landing on me, so, one hand on the ladder for support, up goes the other hand, planted into her big old arse cheek, and pushed.

 

I heard an audible gasp from the other people in the water at this assault. 

 

20 minutes later we're on the boat, and she's full of gratitude and asking me and the wife to join her in the bar that night for a drink. I think she had designs on these hands ending up somewhere else, but the no friends on holiday rule was enforced in full.  I waved at her when she was sat with all her old biddies in the restaurant later. 

[NJS 4378]

Script for granny porn right there. 

[Renton 21614]

3 hours ago, Gemmill said:

I've sorted that bit, but my "smart" meters still don't report my fucking readings to anyone. 

 

Think I've discussed this before, but after 3 years, 14 engineer call outs, 6 meter replacements, 3 providers, 2 involvements with the omsbudsman, and several hundred quid compo, neither do mine. In fact not only do they not communicate with the provider, they now don't even communicate with my hub which they did (for electricity only) at the start. My smart meters are thick as pigshit. 

[The Fish 10856]

16 minutes ago, Gemmill said:

I've just remembered, the last time I was abroad we were in Zanzibar and went out on this boat trip thing. There was a bit where you could get in the water and there was this old American wife there who was away on an organised trip with a bunch of other old people. 

 

But she was the only one who had come on the boat trip. So we're all in the sea and she starts basically saying she needs to get back to the boat. She wasn't having difficulties or anything, but I think that would have come if she'd stayed in. So I said howay, I'll swim back to the boat with you. But when we got to the boat, she couldn't climb up the ladder cos she had no strength in her arms or legs. 

 

So there's a bloke on the boat trying to pull her up, but he was fucking hopeless and he's shouting down to me to give her a push. But the only thing available to me to push was her big old swimsuit covered arse.

 

So I'm trying to wait to see if dickhead on the boat can get her on, but she's in danger of falling back into the water and landing on me, so, one hand on the ladder for support, up goes the other hand, planted into her big old arse cheek, and pushed.

 

I heard an audible gasp from the other people in the water at this assault. 

 

20 minutes later we're on the boat, and she's full of gratitude and asking me and the wife to join her in the bar that night for a drink. I think she had designs on these hands ending up somewhere else, but the no friends on holiday rule was enforced in full.  I waved at her when she was sat with all her old biddies in the restaurant later. 

 

 

Fake Water Taxi

[Renton 21614]

33 minutes ago, Gemmill said:

 

I self-correct for this by just not talking to ANYONE when I'm on holiday and wearing headphones at all times by the pool. I don't want holiday friends. I don't understand people that want holiday friends. Everyone can fuck off when I'm on holiday. 

 

Thisis pretty much you all the time tbh.

Don't worry, I'm the same. 👍

[Gemmill 44853]

Just now, Renton said:

 

Thisis pretty much you all the time tbh.

Don't worry, I'm the same. 👍

 

Ah absolutely, this is me at home too. I've got the same Myers Briggs profile as the Unabomber (genuinely), so people should just think themselves lucky I'm not sending them parcels. 

[Gemmill 44853]

10 minutes ago, Renton said:

 

Think I've discussed this before, but after 3 years, 14 engineer call outs, 6 meter replacements, 3 providers, 2 involvements with the omsbudsman, and several hundred quid compo, neither do mine. In fact not only do they not communicate with the provider, they now don't even communicate with my hub which they did (for electricity only) at the start. My smart meters are thick as pigshit. 

 

I've raised a complaint today. We'll see what happens. At least I've got the meter reading that that dopey cunt submitted corrected, so I'm not paying £800 for 5 weeks of gas. 

[Ayatollah Hermione 13863]

6 hours ago, Gemmill said:

 

I self-correct for this by just not talking to ANYONE when I'm on holiday and wearing headphones at all times by the pool. I don't want holiday friends. I don't understand people that want holiday friends. Everyone can fuck off when I'm on holiday. 

100% My lass says I have the greatest resting pissed off face she’s ever seen and that’s through years and years of practice. I started looking permanently angry and in a hurry so people didn’t stop me and got out of my way about 12 years ago and now it’s just my natural face. Works a fucking treat on holiday. Sometimes the lads who try and get you in their pub don’t even try

[Renton 21614]

1 hour ago, Ayatollah Hermione said:

100% My lass says I have the greatest resting pissed off face she’s ever seen and that’s through years and years of practice. I started looking permanently angry and in a hurry so people didn’t stop me and got out of my way about 12 years ago and now it’s just my natural face. Works a fucking treat on holiday. Sometimes the lads who try and get you in their pub don’t even try

 

Did you use the training fields of avoiding chuggers on Northumberland street to achieve this level of perfection?

[Howmanheyman 33173]

7 hours ago, Gemmill said:

 

I self-correct for this by just not talking to ANYONE when I'm on holiday and wearing headphones at all times by the pool. I don't want holiday friends. I don't understand people that want holiday friends. Everyone can fuck off when I'm on holiday. 

 

I just look at people as if they're Wassy and I've just found him sitting in my seat at SJP. Works for me.

 

[Ayatollah Hermione 13863]

7 hours ago, Renton said:

 

Did you use the training fields of avoiding chuggers on Northumberland street to achieve this level of perfection?

Amazingly, yes  Never been asked to adopt a tiger for a good long while now 

[Christmas Tree 4725]

Harrogate for the night. Meh

[Meenzer 15524]

3 minutes ago, Christmas Tree said:

Harrogate for the night. Meh

 

Get yourself down to the Convention Centre and unleash your inner Jan Leeming 💃

 

[wykikitoon 20129]

I thought I saw you 

[Christmas Tree 4725]

15 minutes ago, wykikitoon said:

I thought I saw you 

Was that you arguing with yourself in the town centre  

 

Canny sup?

[wykikitoon 20129]

Just now, Christmas Tree said:

Was that you arguing with yourself in the town centre  

 

Canny sup?

 I was the one shouting at the brick wall 

[Alex 35077]

17 minutes ago, Meenzer said:

 

Get yourself down to the Convention Centre and unleash your inner Jan Leeming 💃

 

They were just going to have her perched on a bollard but they decided that would look ridiculous 

[The Fish 10856]

16 minutes ago, Alex said:

They were just going to have her perched on a bollard but they decided that would look ridiculous 

Well, that's accordion to you.

[Christmas Tree 4725]

48 minutes ago, wykikitoon said:

 I was the one shouting at the brick wall 

No wonder your so grumpy having to listen to this flipping accent all day  

[Christmas Tree 4725]

Pubs are canny though  

 

 

[Gemmill 44853]

I think you've been admitted to a residential home. 

[Christmas Tree 4725]

2 minutes ago, Gemmill said:

I think you've been admitted to a residential home. 

Wife’s gone to the room and I’m sitting feeling very pleased with myself having learned how to take  selfies using my watch to launch the camera  

 

Getting some strange looks from afar.

 

TBH, the first few goes were like

 

 

[Billy Whitehurst 895]

In Rome at the moment. Pretty much every cafe and bar sells bottles of Tennents Super, very odd. I think it is considered a craft beer here rather than it’s true purpose of keeping tramps warm.