McFaul 35 Posted August 31, 2012 Share Posted August 31, 2012 Why is Paul Wyn particularly fond Chinese minors? Because he's a Wong'un Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
McFaul 35 Posted August 31, 2012 Share Posted August 31, 2012 Fuck me that was shite nee offence anyone Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gene_Clark 12 Posted August 31, 2012 Share Posted August 31, 2012 how do you play continental postman's knock? get a load of French letters Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monkeys Fist 42481 Posted August 31, 2012 Share Posted August 31, 2012 Opera Singer walks into a pub, looks around and leaves. He was in the wrong Aria Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wolfy 12 Posted August 31, 2012 Share Posted August 31, 2012 A woman walks into a hairdressers and asks for a short back and sides...The hairdresser says, " oh, surely not, you have lovely blonde, long curly locks" and the woman replies, "Oh , I know, now just give me a short back and sides, before I punch you right in the fanny bone." It's a shit joke like if it's a joke at all but I don't care as it's a made up joke thread. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monkeys Fist 42481 Posted September 1, 2012 Share Posted September 1, 2012 Knock knock Knock knock Knock knock Knock knock Fucking Jehovah's !! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wolfy 12 Posted September 1, 2012 Share Posted September 1, 2012 Little boy: ' Hi Mum I'm home from school. Mum: That's nice dear, did you have a good day. Little boy: Yeah. Mum: Good. Little boy: What's for tea Mum. Mum: I'm doing you some beans on toast. Little boy: Yummy , my favourite. Mum: yes it is your favourite isn't it. Little boy: Yes Mum, I love it. Mum: Beans are good for you. Little boy: I know Mum. That's it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Christmas Tree 4729 Posted September 1, 2012 Share Posted September 1, 2012 Why did the chicken cross the road. Cluck cluck, cluck cluck, cluck , cluck. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Fish 10876 Posted September 1, 2012 Share Posted September 1, 2012 Do people know what jokes are? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Christmas Tree 4729 Posted September 1, 2012 Share Posted September 1, 2012 Do people know what jokes are? Do you have one? (original) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wolfy 12 Posted September 1, 2012 Share Posted September 1, 2012 A bloke walks into a pancake shop and shouts, " can I have sausage and mash please." The owner shouts, " this is a pancake shop...all we do is pancakes. The bloke gets really mad and shouts, " I don't give a fuck, I'm a nutter." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Fish 10876 Posted September 1, 2012 Share Posted September 1, 2012 Do you have one? (original) I've already posted one. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Fish 10876 Posted September 5, 2012 Share Posted September 5, 2012 This new Hipster Coffee sucks, I burnt my tongue cos I drank it before it was cool Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sammynb 3367 Posted September 5, 2012 Share Posted September 5, 2012 A bloke walks into a pancake shop and shouts, " can I have sausage and mash please." The owner shouts, " this is a pancake shop...all we do is pancakes. The bloke gets really mad and shouts, " I don't give a fuck, I'm a nutter." Autobiographical - nice Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lake Bells tits 1 Posted September 5, 2012 Share Posted September 5, 2012 I genuingly don't get this one Meenzer is probably refering to the "fin" meaning "clean".. Fin doesnt really mean clean in that sense of the word though, more like "nice" so niceland more like. The way you lot describe something mint as "clean" doesnt have a scandinavian counterpart ( afaik) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Meenzer 15561 Posted September 5, 2012 Share Posted September 5, 2012 Meenzer is probably refering to the "fin" meaning "clean".. Fin doesnt really mean clean in that sense of the word though, more like "nice" so niceland more like. The way you lot describe something mint as "clean" doesnt have a scandinavian counterpart ( afaik) Nah, it's just because "fin-" and "clean-" sound similar (except they don't really, which is why the joke is so great). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckyluke 2 Posted September 6, 2012 Share Posted September 6, 2012 How many people with Alzheimer's does it take to change a lightbulb? To get to the other side. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sweetleftpeg 0 Posted September 6, 2012 Share Posted September 6, 2012 We used to have a lad at work who would tell us the same joke every few weeks. I actually remember it as I heard it about 400 times in 2 years; What do you call 2 Irish puffs? William Fitzpatrick and Patrick Fitzwilliam. I never said it was funny. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
jonasjuice 0 Posted September 26, 2012 Share Posted September 26, 2012 (edited) Pot Noodle are bringing out a new range of speedy, offal flavoured deserts. They don't do liver. OberFlan. Edited September 26, 2012 by jonasjuice Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jay Jay Sea 0 Posted September 27, 2012 Share Posted September 27, 2012 Son: Dad, why is my name Lloyd? Dad: Because you're mongoloid Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wolfy 12 Posted September 27, 2012 Share Posted September 27, 2012 A baby Elephant goes up to it's Mam and says, "Mam, why do I have such a big nose?"...and his Mam said, " It's a trunk you daft little cunt, now fuck off before I smash your little face in, you thick git." That's it. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wolfy 12 Posted September 27, 2012 Share Posted September 27, 2012 Two brothers out fishing near a toxic river and one says, 'hey Billy, I hope we don't get poisoned by the fish we catch."........Billy looks at Phil and says, " nah man, we will be fine as if this river was really poisoned, the fish would die." Billy accepts this explanation and he happily casts his line out and soon enough starts pulling in some really big fish. 'wow' said Billy,'look how many fish I've caught Phil'..and Phil says, ' great stuff Billy, now let's go home and have our Mam cook them for our tea.' They both happily skip home and proudly show their parents their massive catch and immediately all the family can't wait for them to be cooked so they can have fish and chips with mushy peas and two slices of Warburtons expensive bread each. Not long after, there was a shout from the kitchen. 'come and get your lovely cooked fish everyone, I've used goldenfry batter on them , now all sit at the table.' Billy, Phil, Jemima, Alice and uncle Bob, plus Mam and Dad, all sit down and tuck in. 'MMMMMMMMMMMM this is delicious said uncle Bob, it's so tasty and yummy'...everyone agreed and they all ate it up as if they were starving Ethiopians in a small village somewhere in Ethiopia that nobody had ever heard of and so never got any food supplies to them and had to live off the land which was barren. They all finished their meals and licked their plates clean and sat back all content......until..... Uncle Bob holds his stomach and says, " oh no, I feel really ill"...then he drops down dead. Mum and Dad also drop down dead.... and minutes later Jemima and Alice both drop down dead. Billy and Phil look at each other in shock, just waiting for the inevitable to happen and sit staring in shock for 3 days solid without moving. After the 3 days, Billy says, " Phil...I feel ok, how do you feel?" and Phil says, " I feel fine but this place stinks of dead bodies, yet how come we are still alive and we ate the same fish?" Billy looks at Phil and says, " how the fuck do I know you stupid little bastard, I'm not a doctor you know, I'm just a kid and if you ask me that again I'll smash your face in." Phil jumps up and says, " howay then you little bullying bastard, I'll have yer out now," but Billy backs down and pumps with fear. 2 years later, they both manage to rebuild their lives after that shocking day .... they still didn't know how they survived eating the fish, so they decide to see Renton who is a scientist and asked him how they survived... but Renton just said they were both thick and beat the pair of them up and left them for dead and ran away laughing, thinking it was funny to beat up two kids who poisoned their entire family with toxic fish and who were clearly traumatized by the whole incident. They then woke up in hospital after both being in coma's for 32 years. After a years rehabilitation, they try and find out how they were alive while their family all died, so they went to see 'The Fish' off here and asked him how they survived when their family all perished. The Fish was in a particularly bad mood and told them to fuck off of they will get what Renton gave them, as Renton had confided in 'The Fish' what he had done. Billy and Phil got a bit pissed off with being talked to like they were kids...even though they once were, before their coma's, so they jumped on 'The Fish', beat him up and ate him. twenty minutes later,Billy and Phil were dead, they had been poisoned because 'The Fish' had just came back from swimming in a toxic river. If anything can come of this, it's .....don't eat Fish from toxic rivers, I suppose. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest CabayeAye Posted September 27, 2012 Share Posted September 27, 2012 I found a young homeless girl hidden out by the bins last night. She was dirty and didn't smell too good but, underneath the grime, I could see she was pretty and had a good body. I brought her inside and gave her a bath. As I was towelling off her naked body, I became aroused and one thing led to another. Before I knew it, I was making passionate love to her. I was banging her so hard that a couple of times you'd have sworn she was alive. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monkeys Fist 42481 Posted September 27, 2012 Share Posted September 27, 2012 Son: Dad, why is my name Lloyd? Dad: Because you're mongoloid I shouldn't , but Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Brock Manson 0 Posted October 10, 2012 Share Posted October 10, 2012 A FAMOUS ENTERTAINER has been implicated in the Jimmy Savile investigations. An anonymous woman, who was 13 at the time the incident took place has stated 'A FAMOUS ENTERTAINER ate my beaver'. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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