Children

[trophyshy 7065]

I have most of my adult life waxed and waned over the subject of having kids. Circumstance (or being barren) has me without any of these delightful little liabilities at this stage.

 

I am, according to Stevie, officially an old cunt so this issue gains increasing weight as the years zip by.

 

Something like 70% of my friends, siblings and cousins have kids now. They're great, I really enjoy the time I spend with them and I get the 'you'd be a great dad' line often enough, not just from my old man who is desperate for me to knock out a grandson or two.

 

I imagine having my own would be in equal parts amazing and exhausting. The exhausting part I suspect gets worse the older you have them.

 

There's obviously loads of people on here who are proud of their kids and they clearly bring them joy. I can't get many people to fess up to it being a mistake (how could you, of course), although occasionally people seem to say everything but that.

 

If you were like me, what manoeuvred you into the decision? And is there anyone on here who decided against it altogether?

 

I'd genuinely be interested in people's thoughts and experiences on this, no matter where they are in life. If it's too personal then obviously just tell me to get bent.

Edited January 12, 2012 by trophyshy

[CleeToonFan 1]

Think about asking your missus before you came to Toontastic?

[trophyshy 7065]

Think about asking your missus before you came to Toontastic?

 

A fair comment. Let's assume that is unrelated at this time.

[CleeToonFan 1]

Depends how old you are whether you're really "too old". I mean i'm 18 and around 5 girls from my year either are pregnant or have kids, so i'll probably have 70% of people like that by the time i'm 22 or something shit. Whatever's right for you at the time tbh, do you really think a decision like this should be made purely based on age? Or that when your kid asks you why you have children you'll come out and say "Well, Stevie made a good point about it being expensive but it was countered by CT's daughter fancying Gemmil. But I truely decided when TheFish made a cracking point about building the him up in my mould and trying to make him the next Demba Ba."

[trophyshy 7065]

Very good.

 

No I don't think it should be based on age, I was just indicating that I thought about it more these days.

 

I'm obviously having this conversation with loads of my real mates, I just think there's a broad range of ages and personalities on here that I'd be interested to hear from. And there are quite a few people on here whose life experience and outlook I really respect.

 

I also think it is a fascinating topic for conversation. If that's not appreciated by others I'll gladly return to irreverence and Leazes baiting.

[Meenzer 15184]

We won't be having any - I'm not against it in principle (though I imagine I'd have days when I regretted it in practice ), I do like (non-Satan-spawn) kids and the 30something broody genes are certainly starting to kick in a bit, but the other half goes mental if he has to spend any real length of time around kids, whoever they may belong to. Frankly I suspect even owning a dog or cat would be pushing it.

 

Like I say though, I do like kids - had a great time with his cousins from Aussieland on Boxing Day and didn't want to give them (or their cool new toys) back afterwards - but that's very different from the reality and responsibility of having your own, obviously. Plus we've both got really small families so there aren't many young 'uns kicking around - it might be a bit different if every family event was crawling with hyperactive brats.

[Tom 14002]

My young cousins are class.

 

Mad as owt, one plays for Newcastle - as an under 8, the other is a grand footballer and the oldest is very intelligent and funny.

 

and that's about it!

[trophyshy 7065]

We won't be having any - I'm not against it in principle (though I imagine I'd have days when I regretted it in practice ), I do like (non-Satan-spawn) kids and the 30something broody genes are certainly starting to kick in a bit, but the other half goes mental if he has to spend any real length of time around kids, whoever they may belong to. Frankly I suspect even owning a dog or cat would be pushing it.

 

Like I say though, I do like kids - had a great time with his cousins from Aussieland on Boxing Day and didn't want to give them (or their cool new toys) back afterwards - but that's very different from the reality and responsibility of having your own, obviously. Plus we've both got really small families so there aren't many young 'uns kicking around - it might be a bit different if every family event was crawling with hyperactive brats.

 

My sister in law and her wife have 2 kids (same donor and mother), I don't know any gay men with kids though, do you? How on earth do they decide which one passes on the genes?

Edited January 12, 2012 by trophyshy

[Meenzer 15184]

We won't be having any - I'm not against it in principle (though I imagine I'd have days when I regretted it in practice ), I do like (non-Satan-spawn) kids and the 30something broody genes are certainly starting to kick in a bit, but the other half goes mental if he has to spend any real length of time around kids, whoever they may belong to. Frankly I suspect even owning a dog or cat would be pushing it.

 

Like I say though, I do like kids - had a great time with his cousins from Aussieland on Boxing Day and didn't want to give them (or their cool new toys) back afterwards - but that's very different from the reality and responsibility of having your own, obviously. Plus we've both got really small families so there aren't many young 'uns kicking around - it might be a bit different if every family event was crawling with hyperactive brats.

 

My sister in law and her wife have 2 kids (same donor and mother), I don't know any gay men with kids though, do you? How on earth do they decide which one passes on the genes?

 

Now that you mention it, I don't know any who have them biologically, no - although I know a lot of couples where one or both of them have kids from previous heterosexual relationships. Can be a complicated business, but no more so than in any other "you're not my real dad!" situation, as far as I can tell anyway.

 

Nearest thing in my circle of friends is a lesbian couple who recently had a baby with a long-time friend (a gay man, as it happens) as the father - they're raising him but the father's very much involved too. Not a model I'd ever really thought about - it feels like something that has to involve slightly grubby anonymity at some level, such is the stigma attached to it, I suppose - but it seems to be working really well for them so far, touch wood.

[The Fish 10500]

I definitely want to be a dad, I want two sons and if a girl turns up I'll shove her back until she learns her lesson and comes out a boy.

 

Wanting kids can't be a finance thing, or whatever. It's my opinion, you've got to actively want kids regardless of their innumerable downsides. They're smelly, boring, expensive, awkward, life-interrupting shit-factories. Only occasionally do they do something of note and even then, five'll get you ten some other kid has done it way better way earlier than yours. Everybody thinks their kid is special, is ahead of the curve in terms of learning, is beautiful, when statistically speaking, that can't be true.

 

That being said, I want kids, always have done, always will do.

[Gemmill 42983]

I've got no great hankering for any at the minute, and I'm 36. I think it's inevitable that I'll end up with some, but right now I'm not ready for the interruption.

[Christmas Tree 4484]

Take any experience that has ever brought you joy in life, times it by a thousand and you are getting the idea.

 

It's why we are here basically.

 

Re the age thing, I've done the parenting bit twice. In my twenties when I was young broke and working my way up the greasy pole I had two girls.

 

In my late thirties mid forties I have had another girl and a boy.

 

Lifes what you make it. I was the youngest of 7 and my dad wad 50 when he had me and lived til his nineties.

 

IMO, nothing in life compares.

[Monkeys Fist 41422]

Interesting one this TS. You're at the same age I was when I had my first ( she arrived 5 days before my 40th birthday). Mrs. F. is seven years younger than me, and she felt her clock was ticking too.

Son arrived a month before my 43rd birthday.

So I am facing the joys of teenagers in my mid fifties

If I had a magic rewind button, I'd probably have binned the blobs 5 yrs earlier tbh. We both wanted kids from the outset but we felt finances, house, careers and such weren't right then.

There's no way of fully describing how much your life changes if you do decide to let the Tadpoles swim free, but for all the downsides ( and there are plenty) I have found being a father to be the most rewarding experience of my life.

The downsides then…

Kiss goodbye to your social life for at least the next 10 years, even if you can find a babysitter, you'll be too fucked to go out.

Make sure your wardrobe is stocked with well made classics, and you've been to those destinations you really want to see, as your wallet will be emptied on clothes, toys, childcare, and a never ending list of stuff you never knew existed, much less thought you'd be buying.

Plastic nipple guards anyone?

Sleep- have it while you can. That's all I'll say on that.

Nappies , you can have a practise run with these. Buy a large fresh duck, and fill it with someone else's shit ( you might want to mix a bit mayo in to get the right consistency). Put a nappy on it, give it good shake, then go on the nearest roller coaster and try to change it- this replicates the experience from 6months onwards.

 

The upsides though are more than a match for all that.

The moment you first look into their eyes will be seared on your memory for life.

There is nothing nicer than when they've just woke up and hold their arms out for a cuddle.

Babies are chick-magnets, borrow one for a few hours and go for a stroll, you'll see what I mean.

As they get older, the real fun begins.

Today's conversation on the way to school was started by her asking where the stars had gone, (they go to bed during the day, says I), so she then went through a list of animals that sleep through the day.

Walks in the park are never boring- last time she was a Princess, I had to help her escape from the Dragon. You get the idea.

 

I'd guess that the fact you're asking means your already well on the way to making the decision, if you haven't already.

 

Hope this helps.

Edited January 12, 2012 by Monkeys Fist

[donaldstott 0]

We had grand plans before embarking on the kiddy journey:

 

- We'd not let the child get in the way of our social lives

- We'd not fill our house full of plastic noisy crap

- No dummies

- Breast fed

 

All of those things went out of the window pretty quickly. I am now forever standing on plastic crappy, noisy toys. We have to rely on grandparents (300 miles away) for babysitting.

 

The upsides are that my boy is one of the only things in life that gives me real joy.

[Jan 0]

The average kitchen table has more maternal instinct then me so needless to say I don't have any kids nore do I regret not having any.

 

I don't even care much for other peoples kids untill they get to at least 10 plus then I can at least have a conversation with them.

[Dr Gloom 21411]

Mine kind of happened by chance. We weren't really trying for one but weren't being as careful as we could be either so we were kind of prepared for it. We just got away with it for so long we didn't think it would happen. I wasn't even sure my boys could swim - always a relief when you find out they're Olympic freestylers. Still hits you like a Tyson uppercut when you get the news. We did 4 tests till I was finally convinced Mrs G was up the Hilary.

 

Mine's just ten months now. Agree with those that say it transforms your social life. But it is still possible to have one. My mrs and I encourage each other to go out while the other babysits. Has to be like that or you'll go mad. Don't be surprised when you regret bring hungover though. Fatigue and guilt for not being in a fit state to spend time with the kid not good.

 

My Inlaws have been looking after him since the wife went back to work and that hasn't been easy. It was different when it's just the three of you in your little unit but once the child care takes over you feel a bit jealous. Like you're not the kids favourite anymore. Didn't realise that would be so tough.

 

All in all though it's the best thing I've done. Mad how you stop caring about your own stuff as much. Your personal shit goes out of the window if you're worried the bairn's unhappy or sick. It's a kind of unconditional love you only know as a parent and it's fucking magic.

 

 

 

 

[ajax_andy 0]

I'm 31 now and the missus and I (she's 27) will start trying at some point this year. I don't want to leave it too long as I think once you hit your 30's its about time you started to think about the long term future. I have on ok job, we have a house, a car, a dog and so everything is in place... it's a scary thought especially as the missus would have to quit her job (we have no family in the area to help out) so our household income will drop by 50% and we'll have an extra mouth to feed. For me that's the real scary part. the actually having a kid bit and looking after it doesn't scare me at all in comparison.

[Christmas Tree 4484]

While you're social life is affected, I have always based my social life around the portrayed "Italian" model where the kids are a welcome addition and included in virtually everything.

 

Of course you ain't going to take junior on a lads night out, but nowt stopping them coming along for a meal out.

 

As you know we have a weekly "pub night" where we meet other couples / friends with their kids for a couple of hours every week 5.30 - 7.30 ish.

 

Being doing this now for about 11 years and it's great for the adults and great for the kids. Has been lovely watching them grow at various stages such as my older two used to run around after the small ones and now those small ones are big and are the ones running around after my little un.

[Guest alex]

Don't leave it too long as it's a young man's game imo.

[Dr Gloom 21411]

i think early to mid thirties is a good time to do it. your social life is less important than it is in your twenties. the number of nights in start to dwarf the number of nights out....well at least in my case anyway. all my mates had started so the timing made sense.

 

a guy i work with had kids in his 40s though and always warned of the same. he's in his 50s now and has two kids under ten running around to contend with after a hard day's graft. you really want to packing them off to uni by then and kicking back with the pipe and slippers.

Edited January 12, 2012 by Dr Gloom

[Guest alex]

Mid thirties is young.

[Dr Gloom 21411]

new twenties tbh

[Dr Gloom 21411]

i actually went to a drum n bass rave at cable in london just before xmas. proper old school night with a mate of mine that is 35 going on 21. had an awesome night, despite feeling like one of those weird old timers you used to spot out and about when getting off your tits as a kid. problem was it took me over a week to start feeling normal again afterwards then i came down with the flu for the first time since i was a bairn. i think that was my 34 year old body telling me not to fuck with it like that anymore.

[JawD 99]

I'm fortunate in that my other half is 8 years younger than me. We wanted to everything "right" so we got married then discussed kids. At first, she was getting in to her career and I hadnt really thought about it. But, I was aware that time was ticking. We had our first 2yrs after being married when I was 35 and our second two years later.

 

Much as has been said. Being at the birth of both was just amazing. I could talk for ages (and bore every fucker) about the little things that happened before and during the birth. But what it comes down to is that there are moments that I would never change and will take to the grave with me. Your whole outlook on life changes. Suddenly, your life revolves around the kids and nothing else "really" matters.

 

But aye, there are downsides. Social life, gone. Sleep, gone. Patience, really fucking tested , Long haul holidays, gone.

 

Wouldnt change a thing though.

[ChezGiven 0]

I've been off work now since November, on gardening leave as they say and have been a full time Dad since then. We pay for a maternity assistant as we both work full time and since we were not going to get rid of her, she was on hand to help me out. I would often drop her off there for lunch and the afternoon nap and then pick her up so i could do the shopping, washing up, laundry etc. Its been amazing but knackering and last night was the reward in a way. I am preparing to go back to work on Monday so was not looking after her, our lass picked her up after work and when she came back she came up to us and gave us this long, intense and quiet cuddle. At first i thought there might something wrong but then after about 10 mins, she peeled herself off my shoulder, smiled, gave me a kiss and then indicated she wanted to get down.

 

The nightmare is that the bond between us is stronger than ever and my new job involves loads of travel, i leave the house on monday in France, go to Geneva Monday night, Neuchatel on Tuesday, Milan on Thursday, back here late friday night. 2 years ago, i would have thought nothing of it and actually been a bit excited, now am just dreading it as i dont want to spend a week apart from the family. Mad.