Never borrow a Brummie's mobile

[Brock Manson 0]

I've had to adopt a hybrid style lately, as the customary lift of the right hip to commence clean up knackers the toilet seat (i'm 11 stone so it's not as if i'm a biffa and the thing can't take the strain). It fully knackers the thing, so it'll slide out from under you mid-wipe which is an unpleasant experience to say the least.

 

Now it's a case of weight adjustment so no pressure is placed on the side of the seat yet contact is still made.

[Monkeys Fist 43591]

See, I adopt a "crouching Tiger" stance. The feet stay firmly planted, butt parts company with bog seat, but the all important cheek separation is maintained by the Ninja stance.

 

The Ski Sunday? That's how you might stand to have a shit in a field. Not how you should be wiping your arse in a toilet.

 

I genuinely believe that you lot just haven't graduated from doing this stuff as part of potty training.

Several years of French "Holes in the ground" shitters have honed my Ninja wipe to perfection.

I assume if you sitters had to shit outdoors, you'd use the Canine Arse Drag ?

[Gemmill 47074]

How fucking fat are your arses like? You filthy bastards.

 

So in a normal standing position, your arsehole would be visible? Obviously we're talking unclothed here.

Are you sitting down at this point?

 

I'm looking away.

[Guest alex]

Some refugees of evolution in this thread. Bad craic tbh.

Liquidate their own shit apparently.

Edited October 14, 2011 by alex

[Gemmill 47074]

The defence from the standers in this thread is less than spirited. Almost as if the penny has started to drop.

 

Brock, you need a new toilet seat. I'm 14 stone and have no bother.

Edited October 14, 2011 by Gemmill

[Ruler of Planet Houston 1]

I did notice that a cheap plastic toilet seat can de-hinge with the shift in weight if one of the rubber feet is missing. Just get a good solid seat from ikea for £15

[trophyshy 7095]

Standing is only acceptable if after the 5th wipe you are still drawing colour. Then you need the downhill skier's position to fully expose the sphincter or you'll be sat down all day.

Edited October 14, 2011 by trophyshy

[Brock Manson 0]

Reckon that's the trouble. Bastard screw keeps on falling out.

 

I've noticed also that since moving back down South from Nottingham, there's a greater influx of floaters requiring 2 flushes at least. Reckon it must be a hardwater thing.

[Happy Face 29]

The "butterfly avoidance" defence is a disingenuous, given that anyone wiping their arse, whatever position, knows the risk of dragging poo across their crack and goes at it with their eyes wide open.

 

The only question is which method gives you the leverage to scrub clean most thoroughly, and as the dirty, lazy, smelly sitter above has admitted, he goes to a standing position for code red situations.

[Gemmill 47074]

I disagree with trophy. In that situation, all that's required is an increased angle of lean on the buttock. Think of it like an 80s stunt car driver executing the driving on two wheels stunt, and the constant adjustment required to pull that manoeuvre of.

[manc-mag 1]

To bring this debate up to date, there needs to be a third category of wipe for KSA after one of his epic evacuations, namely face down, semi-conscious slumped against the toilet door as the end credits to Ben Hur roll in the background.

 

Obviously something a bit more pithy than that as category title, but you get the idea.

[Guest alex]

The Hollywood Epic

[Brock Manson 0]

Definite cause for one of these to eliminate the whole debate I reckon.

[manc-mag 1]

The Hollywood Epic

 

 

Good call! Further characteristics include a dismembered 999 operators voice, followed by the sound of fire service bolt cutters while Richard the Third plays on dvd downstairs in front of a longsince cold cup of coffee.

[Ruler of Planet Houston 1]

Definite cause for one of these to eliminate the whole debate I reckon.

 

Or this for the standers:

 

[trophyshy 7095]

I disagree with trophy. In that situation, all that's required is an increased angle of lean on the buttock. Think of it like an 80s stunt car driver executing the driving on two wheels stunt, and the constant adjustment required to pull that manoeuvre of.

 

But surely to properly reveal all aspects of the matter in hand one would have to perform a tricky switch to the other set of wheels at some point? A Dukes of Hazzard style jump over the lake approach is more convenient, not to mention thrilling.

Edited October 14, 2011 by trophyshy

[manc-mag 1]

I disagree with trophy. In that situation, all that's required is an increased angle of lean on the buttock. Think of it like an 80s stunt car driver executing the driving on two wheels stunt, and the constant adjustment required to pull that manoeuvre of.

 

But surely to properly reveal all aspects of the matter in hand one would have to perform a tricky switch to the other set of wheels at some point? A Dukes of Hazzard style jump over the lake approach is more convenient, not to mention thrilling.

 

You're forgetting that Scott has assisted toilet visits. His albino eyebrows qualify him for full DLA.

[Gemmill 47074]

I disagree with trophy. In that situation, all that's required is an increased angle of lean on the buttock. Think of it like an 80s stunt car driver executing the driving on two wheels stunt, and the constant adjustment required to pull that manoeuvre of.

 

But surely to properly reveal all aspects of the matter in hand one would have to perform a tricky switch to the other set of wheels at some point? A Dukes of Hazzard style jump over the lake approach is more convenient, not to mention thrilling.

 

You're forgetting that Scott has assisted toilet visits. His albino eyebrows qualify him for full DLA.

 

[Barney 0]

Standing, one foot against the door(if in a public restroom) to decrease liklehood of paparazzi/weirdo's bursting in. This also gives a good angle.

If in a private restroom, one foot on cistern and one on the floor.

 

Also, baby-wipes.

 

A work-mate removes his shirt, George Costanza style.

[trophyshy 7095]

I know a lad who takes his shoes off to poo.

[Barney 0]

I know a lad who takes his shoes off to poo.

 

[manc-mag 1]

I know a lad who takes his shoes off to poo.

 

 

Aka the: 'pants-on-straight-down-the-trouser-leg' Hugely skillful and few practitioners left due to high levels falls stood precariously on the toilet seat.

[Gemmill 47074]

Standing, one foot against the door(if in a public restroom) to decrease liklehood of paparazzi/weirdo's bursting in. This also gives a good angle.

If in a private restroom, one foot on cistern and one on the floor.

 

Also, baby-wipes.

 

A work-mate removes his shirt, George Costanza style.

[manc-mag 1]

Standing, one foot against the door(if in a public restroom) to decrease liklehood of paparazzi/weirdo's bursting in. This also gives a good angle.

If in a private restroom, one foot on cistern and one on the floor.

 

Also, baby-wipes.

 

A work-mate removes his shirt, George Costanza style.

 

 

Like the front row of pub football team photos.

[McFaul 35]

Nee wonder they call Villa fans vile. I can't think of anything scruffier. I'm canny bad for things like that like, when I go for a piss in a pub they bog will be packed and am the only cunt washing my hands, then people touch doors and its gans on your hands urrghh it's one way that you can knock points off my professional geordieness.