Work wankers

[The Fish 10857]

There's a bloke at work who's a complete fantasist as well. We've got a document that does the rounds every time he's on shift and tells a whopper it's carefully recorded; Time, Date, Tale

 

I can't remember all of them, but I'm back in on Thusday so I'll forward them to my email, but some of them are

 

He doesn't have a Pancreas

He's no feeling in his hands (despite cursing whenever he's handed a hot cup of coffee), he says that's just "Nerve Memory"

He can speak seven languages. When pressed he named English, French, Spanish, Welsh, Japanese and German. We bugged him for the 7th but he refued to tell us as "It should be bloody obvious by no". Also, he didn't know Domo Harigato was Japanese and when I assured him it was he told me I must have learnt a dialect and not "True Japanese"

 

The guys a dick, but strangely entertaining. We'll while away the nightshift by leading a conversation round to something military or secret services and he'll beging a new tale of wonder for us to enjoy.

[snakehips 0]

;) :lol:

 

PMSL

 

Tell us some more. These are genius!

 

No bother......

 

He's got the longest sniper kill in British Army history, He's Britain's youngest ever sergeant major, he's mentioned in Brian Hanrahan's book on the Falklands War (we've checked this out and obviously, it's a load of shit), he used to be a bare knuckle fighter for extra cash while in the army. He was an unarmed combat and Arctic warfare instructor and was so good he was allowed to train Yanks and Russians up to British standards.

 

He installed a clean water supply to a remote village in Guatemala while working for the Red Cross, but it took twice as long to install as he kept being interrupted by rebel soldiers on the border. Whilst in Guatemala he was bitten on the face by a rare mosquito and every few years it flares up into a big crusty mess and he has to have a special one off 5 gram penicillin tablet for it to go away. The bite was so bad it knocked him unconscious and the next thing he knew he woke up back in Britain as they'd had to get him an emergency flight home.

 

His 'wife' is a vet (she's not, we've checked) and he once took what he thought was a paracetamol out of her handbag for a headache. It turns out it was a horse tranquilliser and the next thing he knew he was waking up in intensive care.

 

The reason his 'wife' doesn't share his name is because it costs £2000 to get your name changed in the vet register and they didn't think it was worth the money.

 

His 'vet' wife invented a cure for some kind of fish ailment and toured America for 12 months preaching about her findings.

 

His wife has regularly been up all night putting down 'famous' racehorses who've had an accident.

 

There is more, much much more......

 

Young Kenny is real

[Dolly Potter MD 0]

Zip-eyed Filipino i worked for a number of years ago (i've mentioned this bloke before) would throw in 'capiche' at the end of every instruction. Condescending little prick he was, but that snappy cut-off Asian accent made it sound all the more worse. He was a like a toned down version of that little f***er from The Hangover films. Myself and a few others didn't cop it so much, because we were nightshifters and worked away from the depot. Subsequently we generally didn't attract that sort of day-to-day supervision.

 

He used to heavily dish out the 'capiches' to the lasses in reception though. One used to very effecient at her job, but he couldn't stand her. I guess she had her own mind, whereas he wished have a bunch of mindless drones buzzing around him at his calling, just like the sweatshop-like environments at home i guess. And he knew it was grating on her as well. It was too expensive to sack her, but this was the sore point to get her to leave and it eventually worked.

 

He really was the master manipulator, negatively speaking, who seemed to get-off on throwing a proverbial match into fireworks shop & then enjoy the show.

 

His specialty was making up a work-related rumour (ie. Person X said 'this & that' about Person Y) and discretely drop it into the system. He nearly destroyed a few work-based friendships over the course of trip at the place - there were some close calls. He should've been the zip-eyed pantomime villain on the US series 'Survivor', that's his higher calling imo.

 

I think he was motive was to not have a close-knit crew working under him, or one that was loyal to each other and hereby raise a unified voice when improper work practices were forced upon them - something which has taken place in the years since i left/as more of the old crew continued to leave. I was the only bloke who became union-affiliated in my last couple of years there, but by then team morale was virtually shot to pieces.

Edited September 14, 2011 by Year Zero

[Dolly Potter MD 0]

There's a bloke at work reckons he was a Royal Marine sergeant major and is a Falkland and Gulf war veteran. He reckons he was allowed to dock the QE2 at the Ascension Island on the way down to knack the Argies. His battalion were given a beach to guard one night and he gave the order to fire when they saw figures landing on the beach. At daybreak they noticed they'd killed 2000 Emperor penguins.

 

He reckons he's so ugly because (a) a grenade blew up in his face and knocked all his teeth out, ( a bomb exploded in his path in Northern Ireland or © a puck hit him in the face when he was playing for Durham Wasps. It depends on his mood and who he is talking to for which excuse he uses.

 

He reckons he had an anaphylactic reaction to tiger fur when he stroked THE Esso tiger in a restaurant in Mexico. When asked what the fuck a real tiger is doing wandering round a restaurant, he replies "it's safe, it's had all of it's teeth removed."

 

He reckons he is a FIFA qualified coach and referee and could ref a match in the Premier League at a days notice.

 

 

His catch phrases are "I love it when a plan comes together" ......they rarely do for him, understandably.

and "Let me just plant a seed in your head" .....err, no thanks it'll probably grow up into a big ugly lying fucker like you.

 

There's loads more stories, it feels like there's a new one every day.

 

It wouldn't surprise if he was cryogenically preserved after Operation Neptune as well.

[Dolly Potter MD 0]

;) :lol:

 

PMSL

 

Tell us some more. These are genius!

Whilst in Guatemala he was bitten on the face by a rare mosquito and every few years it flares up into a big crusty mess and he has to have a special one off 5 gram penicillin tablet for it to go away. The bite was so bad it knocked him unconscious and the next thing he knew he woke up back in Britain as they'd had to get him an emergency flight home.

 

Very funny. Probably his creative excuse for break-outs of embarrassing adult acne

[weldy 0]

I dunno if any of you are believing this or not, because i certainly dont, but if it were true it makes what happened the other week all the funnier,

 

I'm guessing you don't quite believe his army stories?

 

No, his storys are like something out of a rambo film

[McFaul 35]

The Office Sickie

 

We once had this lassie in our work who was always being off sick or away to the doctors cause she had something wrong with her. It was a bastard as her work would usually get left to me. I made it clear I didn't like her by picking up all her mistakes and just being abrupt. She would even go as far as bragging about get a season ticket for prescriptions and how much money she was saving on medication. Personally, I was thinking of writing a lettermto my local MP to pull the plug on the drain in tax funds as she was a fat fuck who aspired to end up on a mobility scooter because she is a lazy cunt as well.

 

She had just came back from two weeks off ill and my company sent round an email of the symptoms of swine flu, at 9.30 she told our boss she had to leave as she suspects she had caught it despite being in the city and 40 miles from the reported case. I just laughed when my boss told me thinking it was a joke!

 

She would also come in and show you her new tattoos which because she was fat just made her more of a munter. That wasn't as bad when she came in a showed us all the boil on her foot.

 

The really baffling thing was she had a boyfriend which I met at a colleagues wedding. He looked like a chipmunk, I stopped short of asking him if he was a chubby chasing feeder!

 

If I had a tenner for every woman I've ever known like that, well it would pay for half me season ticket anyway.

[Guest alex]

I remember this lass where I used to work ringing up and asking for a half-day's sick once. A half-day's sick. She was a horrible charva like.

[McFaul 35]

;) :lol:

 

PMSL

 

Tell us some more. These are genius!

 

No bother......

 

He's got the longest sniper kill in British Army history, He's Britain's youngest ever sergeant major, he's mentioned in Brian Hanrahan's book on the Falklands War (we've checked this out and obviously, it's a load of shit), he used to be a bare knuckle fighter for extra cash while in the army. He was an unarmed combat and Arctic warfare instructor and was so good he was allowed to train Yanks and Russians up to British standards.

 

He installed a clean water supply to a remote village in Guatemala while working for the Red Cross, but it took twice as long to install as he kept being interrupted by rebel soldiers on the border. Whilst in Guatemala he was bitten on the face by a rare mosquito and every few years it flares up into a big crusty mess and he has to have a special one off 5 gram penicillin tablet for it to go away. The bite was so bad it knocked him unconscious and the next thing he knew he woke up back in Britain as they'd had to get him an emergency flight home.

 

His 'wife' is a vet (she's not, we've checked) and he once took what he thought was a paracetamol out of her handbag for a headache. It turns out it was a horse tranquilliser and the next thing he knew he was waking up in intensive care.

 

The reason his 'wife' doesn't share his name is because it costs £2000 to get your name changed in the vet register and they didn't think it was worth the money.

 

His 'vet' wife invented a cure for some kind of fish ailment and toured America for 12 months preaching about her findings.

 

His wife has regularly been up all night putting down 'famous' racehorses who've had an accident.

 

There is more, much much more......

pmsl even better than the first round. As if we'd be training Russians anyway.

[McFaul 35]

I used to work with this bloke at Gemmill's current employers, we'll call him PM in case anyone knows him. He was my manager, about 34 at the time married with two kids, a right sleeze though but his only two topics of conversation were South Park and Championship Manager 99. I was only about 20 at the time. Every day he'd come in and literally talk non stop about South Park, to the extent if we'd watched the previous nights episodes we'd predict what order he'd put the stories in and when his fake laugh would be loudest. He was basically a geek who grew up working in a geeks organisation but was so high and excitable was like a 6 year old kid who'd overdosed on Kia-ora. Once he'd finished his South Park, I'd mutter under my breath "ah you never guess who I signed last night in my Northampton game?!!?!?" and with two minutes he would. "I've got Shearer, Weah up front with Zidane just behind, only conceded 6 goals in 35 games" etc... what a fuckin doilum he was I bet he still works there.

[Gemmill 44872]

PM his name and I'll confirm.

[McFaul 35]

PM his name and I'll confirm.

I'll just tell you it now his first name is the first name of Gary Glitter's real name and his surname is the same as the second name of this murtur.......

Edited September 14, 2011 by McFaul

[ChezGiven 0]

PM his name and I'll confirm.

I'll just tell you it now his first name is the first name of Gary Glitter's real name and his surname is the same as the second name of this murtur.......

Best Cluedo post since 'Paul Wyn in the family section with a season ticket'.

[Gemmill 44872]

CONFIRMED. Still here.

[Asprilla 96]

Also, I used to work with this woman who's really high up in the company. She works with some prestigious clients. Wow, just wow.

 

what

the

fuck?

 

[Gemmill 44872]

You must have to wade through some shit at the Fringe to get some decent laughs, by the look of it.

[McFaul 35]

CONFIRMED. Still here.

His fatha used to be number 1 in Northern Rock, like NUMBER ONE, but he was so shit he'll probably make Senior Section Manager sometime in the next 20 years. Do you know him?

 

I worked for this garage for a month before I joined NR, as a trainee salesman, in effect, dogs body (the Alfa Romeo car showroom on the West Road), the MD was an old cunt called Brian, a complete and utter fuckwit of a man. He did well though he was shaggin his stunning PA, right round the world, she was like 25 he was aboot 60. Anyway I was telling everyone what a right old cunt my last gaffa was called when I started NR, Paul pipes up, "ah is that Brian is it?" "I says aye what a fuckin psychopath that cunt is" "aye.....he's me fatha in law" oh dear oh dear. Ponteland Mafia on me case.

[Gemmill 44872]

Nah i don't know the bloke. I'll send an email about South Park and see if he bites.

[snakehips 0]

Nah i don't know the bloke. I'll send an email about South Park and see if he bites.

 

;)

[Guest alex]

Just remembered when I was at work and the news came through that Ruud Gullit was replacing Dalglish. Some bloke (quite funny I thought) said "Do you want a Ruud Gullit?" (he had a bag of sweets). Another bloke said "Shexsy football". There was this divvy called Mark who was obviously dying to get involved so he piped up with "Coon Army". You could hear a pin drop after that

[snakehips 0]

Just remembered when I was at work and the news came through that Ruud Gullit was replacing Dalglish. Some bloke (quite funny I thought) said "Do you want a Ruud Gullit?" (he had a bag of sweets). Another bloke said "Shexsy football". There was this divvy called Mark who was obviously dying to get involved so he piped up with "Coon Army". You could hear a pin drop after that

 

Was Mark Norwegian ?

 

[Billy Castell 0]

These stories are great, especially X-I-S-C-O's posts. The nearest I can come up with was some girl I worked with from Somerfield. She was just a bit pathetic, she had no real personality and all she seemed to do was post 8000 messages on facebook about every single thing she did. She'd get down and miserable because she had no money, but never wanted to work more than her 12 hour weeks. I can't think of any spectacularly mental people I've worked with.

[McFaul 35]

Just remembered when I was at work and the news came through that Ruud Gullit was replacing Dalglish. Some bloke (quite funny I thought) said "Do you want a Ruud Gullit?" (he had a bag of sweets). Another bloke said "Shexsy football". There was this divvy called Mark who was obviously dying to get involved so he piped up with "Coon Army". You could hear a pin drop after that

pmsl

 

Laughing at that shows you're racist yourself [/J69]

[McFaul 35]

These stories are great, especially X-I-S-C-O's posts. The nearest I can come up with was some girl I worked with from Somerfield. She was just a bit pathetic, she had no real personality and all she seemed to do was post 8000 messages on facebook about every single thing she did. She'd get down and miserable because she had no money, but never wanted to work more than her 12 hour weeks. I can't think of any spectacularly mental people I've worked with.

One of the big regrets of my working life is I've never seen any massive bust ups at work that haven't involved me. Not even a raised hand.

[Asprilla 96]

Just remembered when I was at work and the news came through that Ruud Gullit was replacing Dalglish. Some bloke (quite funny I thought) said "Do you want a Ruud Gullit?" (he had a bag of sweets). Another bloke said "Shexsy football". There was this divvy called Mark who was obviously dying to get involved so he piped up with "Coon Army". You could hear a pin drop after that

;) :lol: