Ayatollah Hermione 13866 Posted September 13, 2011 Share Posted September 13, 2011 "I punched a horse once" You sure he wasn't actually a patient who managed to sneak out and put on a doctor's coat? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Happy Face 29 Posted September 13, 2011 Share Posted September 13, 2011 Needs a poll.... "Have you ever had a wank at work?" Well? Not yet, but if TR answers in the affirmative Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kid Dynamite 7027 Posted September 13, 2011 Share Posted September 13, 2011 Well I cant tell you for confidentiality reasons obviously But, hypothetically speaking, he may have said something like . . . ''So were you the patient who said he was going to jump off a bridge?'' ''No'' ''Oh, I must have you confused with another patient I'm seeing'' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest alex Posted September 13, 2011 Share Posted September 13, 2011 He's not a consultant, is he? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
McFaul 35 Posted September 13, 2011 Share Posted September 13, 2011 Well I cant tell you for confidentiality reasons obviously But, hypothetically speaking, he may have said something like . . . ''So were you the patient who said he was going to jump off a bridge?'' ''No'' ''Oh, I must have you confused with another patient I'm seeing'' pmsl Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
manc-mag 1 Posted September 13, 2011 Share Posted September 13, 2011 Clear clash of cultures here. Workmate finally making some progress with his Patch Adams shit while J struggles to keep them down with his chemical cosh! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trophyshy 7083 Posted September 13, 2011 Share Posted September 13, 2011 I think I've told this previously, but at a Christmas do when I worked for 5under1and Council the conversation turned to who had had sex at work and several people confessed to it in front of a clearly shocked director. A memo came round the next day stating that having sex in the workplace was inappropriate and a sackable offence. She obviously wasn't getting any, the fat munter. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Billy Castell 0 Posted September 13, 2011 Share Posted September 13, 2011 Also, I used to work with this woman who's really high up in the company. She works with some prestigious clients. Wow, just wow. I just saw the page load up with a woman doing stand up and thought "This'll be a steaming turd sandwich, I'll not watch that." Was I right? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monkeys Fist 42440 Posted September 13, 2011 Share Posted September 13, 2011 Also, I used to work with this woman who's really high up in the company. She works with some prestigious clients. Wow, just wow. I just saw the page load up with a woman doing stand up and thought "This'll be a steaming turd sandwich, I'll not watch that." Was I right? Triple decker. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
S-I-S-S-O-K-O 0 Posted September 13, 2011 Share Posted September 13, 2011 (edited) There's a bloke at work reckons he was a Royal Marine sergeant major and is a Falkland and Gulf war veteran. He reckons he was allowed to dock the QE2 at the Ascension Island on the way down to knack the Argies. His battalion were given a beach to guard one night and he gave the order to fire when they saw figures landing on the beach. At daybreak they noticed they'd killed 2000 Emperor penguins. He reckons he's so ugly because (a) a grenade blew up in his face and knocked all his teeth out, ( a bomb exploded in his path in Northern Ireland or © a puck hit him in the face when he was playing for Durham Wasps. It depends on his mood and who he is talking to for which excuse he uses. He reckons he had an anaphylactic reaction to tiger fur when he stroked THE Esso tiger in a restaurant in Mexico. When asked what the fuck a real tiger is doing wandering round a restaurant, he replies "it's safe, it's had all of it's teeth removed." He reckons he is a FIFA qualified coach and referee and could ref a match in the Premier League at a days notice. His catch phrases are "I love it when a plan comes together" ......they rarely do for him, understandably. and "Let me just plant a seed in your head" .....err, no thanks it'll probably grow up into a big ugly lying fucker like you. There's loads more stories, it feels like there's a new one every day. Edited September 13, 2011 by X-I-S-C-O Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Neville Neville Neville 0 Posted September 13, 2011 Share Posted September 13, 2011 I've got a new boss and his turn of phrase is grating already. He's always on about "throwing ideas into the mix" in our morning news conference. "throwing it out there" is another personal favourite as is "being across something". What does that even mean? A touch hypocritical, perchance Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gemmill 44872 Posted September 13, 2011 Author Share Posted September 13, 2011 There's a bloke at work reckons he was a Royal Marine sergeant major and is a Falkland and Gulf war veteran. He reckons he was allowed to dock the QE2 at the Ascension Island on the way down to knack the Argies. His battalion were given a beach to guard one night and he gave the order to fire when they saw figures landing on the beach. At daybreak they noticed they'd killed 2000 Emperor penguins. He reckons he's so ugly because (a) a grenade blew up in his face and knocked all his teeth out, ( a bomb exploded in his path in Northern Ireland or © a puck hit him in the face when he was playing for Durham Wasps. It depends on his mood and who he is talking to for which excuse he uses. He reckons he had an anaphylactic reaction to tiger fur when he stroked THE Esso tiger in a restaurant in Mexico. When asked what the fuck a real tiger is doing wandering round a restaurant, he replies "it's safe, it's had all of it's teeth removed." He reckons he is a FIFA qualified coach and referee and could ref a match in the Premier League at a days notice. His catch phrases are "I love it when a plan comes together" ......they rarely do for him, understandably. and "Let me just pant a seed in your head" .....err, no thanks it'll probably grow up into a big ugly lying fucker like you. There's loads more stories, it feels like there's a new one every day. he sounds mint. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
McFaul 35 Posted September 13, 2011 Share Posted September 13, 2011 There's a bloke at work reckons he was a Royal Marine sergeant major and is a Falkland and Gulf war veteran. He reckons he was allowed to dock the QE2 at the Ascension Island on the way down to knack the Argies. His battalion were given a beach to guard one night and he gave the order to fire when they saw figures landing on the beach. At daybreak they noticed they'd killed 2000 Emperor penguins. He reckons he's so ugly because (a) a grenade blew up in his face and knocked all his teeth out, ( a bomb exploded in his path in Northern Ireland or © a puck hit him in the face when he was playing for Durham Wasps. It depends on his mood and who he is talking to for which excuse he uses. He reckons he had an anaphylactic reaction to tiger fur when he stroked THE Esso tiger in a restaurant in Mexico. When asked what the fuck a real tiger is doing wandering round a restaurant, he replies "it's safe, it's had all of it's teeth removed." He reckons he is a FIFA qualified coach and referee and could ref a match in the Premier League at a days notice. His catch phrases are "I love it when a plan comes together" ......they rarely do for him, understandably. and "Let me just pant a seed in your head" .....err, no thanks it'll probably grow up into a big ugly lying fucker like you. There's loads more stories, it feels like there's a new one every day. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
manc-mag 1 Posted September 13, 2011 Share Posted September 13, 2011 There's a bloke at work reckons he was a Royal Marine sergeant major and is a Falkland and Gulf war veteran. He reckons he was allowed to dock the QE2 at the Ascension Island on the way down to knack the Argies. His battalion were given a beach to guard one night and he gave the order to fire when they saw figures landing on the beach. At daybreak they noticed they'd killed 2000 Emperor penguins. He reckons he's so ugly because (a) a grenade blew up in his face and knocked all his teeth out, ( a bomb exploded in his path in Northern Ireland or © a puck hit him in the face when he was playing for Durham Wasps. It depends on his mood and who he is talking to for which excuse he uses. He reckons he had an anaphylactic reaction to tiger fur when he stroked THE Esso tiger in a restaurant in Mexico. When asked what the fuck a real tiger is doing wandering round a restaurant, he replies "it's safe, it's had all of it's teeth removed." He reckons he is a FIFA qualified coach and referee and could ref a match in the Premier League at a days notice. His catch phrases are "I love it when a plan comes together" ......they rarely do for him, understandably. and "Let me just pant a seed in your head" .....err, no thanks it'll probably grow up into a big ugly lying fucker like you. There's loads more stories, it feels like there's a new one every day. Quality stuff. What a complete wanker. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Meenzer 15526 Posted September 13, 2011 Share Posted September 13, 2011 It's mid-2003 at a translation company somewhere in the Rhineland. Everything is as quiet and dull as usual. Suddenly the door flies open and our boss marches in, stops dead in the middle of the room and proclaims "Everybody! They've got Uday and Qusay Hussein!". Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Holden McGroin 6583 Posted September 13, 2011 Share Posted September 13, 2011 There's a bloke at work reckons he was a Royal Marine sergeant major and is a Falkland and Gulf war veteran. He reckons he was allowed to dock the QE2 at the Ascension Island on the way down to knack the Argies. His battalion were given a beach to guard one night and he gave the order to fire when they saw figures landing on the beach. At daybreak they noticed they'd killed 2000 Emperor penguins. He reckons he's so ugly because (a) a grenade blew up in his face and knocked all his teeth out, ( a bomb exploded in his path in Northern Ireland or © a puck hit him in the face when he was playing for Durham Wasps. It depends on his mood and who he is talking to for which excuse he uses. He reckons he had an anaphylactic reaction to tiger fur when he stroked THE Esso tiger in a restaurant in Mexico. When asked what the fuck a real tiger is doing wandering round a restaurant, he replies "it's safe, it's had all of it's teeth removed." He reckons he is a FIFA qualified coach and referee and could ref a match in the Premier League at a days notice. His catch phrases are "I love it when a plan comes together" ......they rarely do for him, understandably. and "Let me just plant a seed in your head" .....err, no thanks it'll probably grow up into a big ugly lying fucker like you. There's loads more stories, it feels like there's a new one every day. ;) :lol: PMSL Tell us some more. These are genius! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Billy Whitehurst 895 Posted September 13, 2011 Share Posted September 13, 2011 There's a bloke at work reckons he was a Royal Marine sergeant major and is a Falkland and Gulf war veteran. He reckons he was allowed to dock the QE2 at the Ascension Island on the way down to knack the Argies. His battalion were given a beach to guard one night and he gave the order to fire when they saw figures landing on the beach. At daybreak they noticed they'd killed 2000 Emperor penguins. He reckons he's so ugly because (a) a grenade blew up in his face and knocked all his teeth out, ( a bomb exploded in his path in Northern Ireland or © a puck hit him in the face when he was playing for Durham Wasps. It depends on his mood and who he is talking to for which excuse he uses. He reckons he had an anaphylactic reaction to tiger fur when he stroked THE Esso tiger in a restaurant in Mexico. When asked what the fuck a real tiger is doing wandering round a restaurant, he replies "it's safe, it's had all of it's teeth removed." He reckons he is a FIFA qualified coach and referee and could ref a match in the Premier League at a days notice. His catch phrases are "I love it when a plan comes together" ......they rarely do for him, understandably. and "Let me just plant a seed in your head" .....err, no thanks it'll probably grow up into a big ugly lying fucker like you. There's loads more stories, it feels like there's a new one every day. I love liars like that, when it has gone from the slightly plausible to the utterly ridiculous, I love the sheer brass neck of them. I'd spend half my day trying to get more stories out of him. Used to have a lad, a total fantasist, playing for our Saturday amateur football team who claimed to have an endorsement deal with adidas and also claimed his Sunday 7-a-side team was littered with ex Romanian and Ghanaian internationals. He once promised to bring a keeper only to turn up on his tod saying his mate was on international duty that weekend. I loved his chat. Sadly, he left us to go and play for Charlton (unsurprisingly he didn't appear in any of their squad lists). Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
S-I-S-S-O-K-O 0 Posted September 13, 2011 Share Posted September 13, 2011 ;) :lol: PMSL Tell us some more. These are genius! No bother...... He's got the longest sniper kill in British Army history, He's Britain's youngest ever sergeant major, he's mentioned in Brian Hanrahan's book on the Falklands War (we've checked this out and obviously, it's a load of shit), he used to be a bare knuckle fighter for extra cash while in the army. He was an unarmed combat and Arctic warfare instructor and was so good he was allowed to train Yanks and Russians up to British standards. He installed a clean water supply to a remote village in Guatemala while working for the Red Cross, but it took twice as long to install as he kept being interrupted by rebel soldiers on the border. Whilst in Guatemala he was bitten on the face by a rare mosquito and every few years it flares up into a big crusty mess and he has to have a special one off 5 gram penicillin tablet for it to go away. The bite was so bad it knocked him unconscious and the next thing he knew he woke up back in Britain as they'd had to get him an emergency flight home. His 'wife' is a vet (she's not, we've checked) and he once took what he thought was a paracetamol out of her handbag for a headache. It turns out it was a horse tranquilliser and the next thing he knew he was waking up in intensive care. The reason his 'wife' doesn't share his name is because it costs £2000 to get your name changed in the vet register and they didn't think it was worth the money. His 'vet' wife invented a cure for some kind of fish ailment and toured America for 12 months preaching about her findings. His wife has regularly been up all night putting down 'famous' racehorses who've had an accident. There is more, much much more...... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Holden McGroin 6583 Posted September 13, 2011 Share Posted September 13, 2011 ;) :lol: PMSL Tell us some more. These are genius! No bother...... He's got the longest sniper kill in British Army history, He's Britain's youngest ever sergeant major, he's mentioned in Brian Hanrahan's book on the Falklands War (we've checked this out and obviously, it's a load of shit), he used to be a bare knuckle fighter for extra cash while in the army. He was an unarmed combat and Arctic warfare instructor and was so good he was allowed to train Yanks and Russians up to British standards. He installed a clean water supply to a remote village in Guatemala while working for the Red Cross, but it took twice as long to install as he kept being interrupted by rebel soldiers on the border. Whilst in Guatemala he was bitten on the face by a rare mosquito and every few years it flares up into a big crusty mess and he has to have a special one off 5 gram penicillin tablet for it to go away. The bite was so bad it knocked him unconscious and the next thing he knew he woke up back in Britain as they'd had to get him an emergency flight home. His 'wife' is a vet (she's not, we've checked) and he once took what he thought was a paracetamol out of her handbag for a headache. It turns out it was a horse tranquilliser and the next thing he knew he was waking up in intensive care. The reason his 'wife' doesn't share his name is because it costs £2000 to get your name changed in the vet register and they didn't think it was worth the money. His 'vet' wife invented a cure for some kind of fish ailment and toured America for 12 months preaching about her findings. His wife has regularly been up all night putting down 'famous' racehorses who've had an accident. There is more, much much more...... These make me so happy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tom 14011 Posted September 13, 2011 Share Posted September 13, 2011 The reason his 'wife' doesn't share his name is because it costs £2000 to get your name changed in the vet register and they didn't think it was worth the money. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
weldy 0 Posted September 13, 2011 Share Posted September 13, 2011 I work with a fella who was in the army. He wanted to join the army since he was a kid but because he grew up in West Belfast he obviosly cudnt join the British army, luckily his dad was american so he applied to be a marine in the US army. He ended up being a squadron commander during the first gulf war in charge of a fleet of tanks. His job as commander was in the lead tank navigating landmines and such things. I dunno if any of you are believing this or not, because i certainly dont, but if it were true it makes what happened the other week all the funnier, He applied for a poxy supervisor job in our factory 1 step above us normal workers for 55pence an hour more. And got turned down, immagine if you risked your life in the gulf, were incharge of a squadron of soldiers in tanks, having men dependant on you for their lives and a few years later you arent even good enough to be a supervisor in a steel factory? Id feel sorry for him except he supports Spurs! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr Gloom 21921 Posted September 13, 2011 Share Posted September 13, 2011 I've got a new boss and his turn of phrase is grating already. He's always on about "throwing ideas into the mix" in our morning news conference. "throwing it out there" is another personal favourite as is "being across something". What does that even mean? A touch hypocritical, perchance Watch it Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
KeithJ 0 Posted September 13, 2011 Share Posted September 13, 2011 The Office Sickie We once had this lassie in our work who was always being off sick or away to the doctors cause she had something wrong with her. It was a bastard as her work would usually get left to me. I made it clear I didn't like her by picking up all her mistakes and just being abrupt. She would even go as far as bragging about get a season ticket for prescriptions and how much money she was saving on medication. Personally, I was thinking of writing a lettermto my local MP to pull the plug on the drain in tax funds as she was a fat fuck who aspired to end up on a mobility scooter because she is a lazy cunt as well. She had just came back from two weeks off ill and my company sent round an email of the symptoms of swine flu, at 9.30 she told our boss she had to leave as she suspects she had caught it despite being in the city and 40 miles from the reported case. I just laughed when my boss told me thinking it was a joke! She would also come in and show you her new tattoos which because she was fat just made her more of a munter. That wasn't as bad when she came in a showed us all the boil on her foot. The really baffling thing was she had a boyfriend which I met at a colleagues wedding. He looked like a chipmunk, I stopped short of asking him if he was a chubby chasing feeder! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Walliver 0 Posted September 14, 2011 Share Posted September 14, 2011 I really want J69's boss to meet X-I-S-C-O's mate. Someone film their conversation. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kitman 2207 Posted September 14, 2011 Share Posted September 14, 2011 I dunno if any of you are believing this or not, because i certainly dont, but if it were true it makes what happened the other week all the funnier, I'm guessing you don't quite believe his army stories? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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