Work wankers

[Park Life 71]

These stories are great, especially X-I-S-C-O's posts. The nearest I can come up with was some girl I worked with from Somerfield. She was just a bit pathetic, she had no real personality and all she seemed to do was post 8000 messages on facebook about every single thing she did. She'd get down and miserable because she had no money, but never wanted to work more than her 12 hour weeks. I can't think of any spectacularly mental people I've worked with.

One of the big regrets of my working life is I've never seen any massive bust ups at work that haven't involved me. Not even a raised hand.

 

Your not the bloke who gets drunk in the office and is sick in the toilet before the Xmas party has even started are ya?

[McFaul 35]

These stories are great, especially X-I-S-C-O's posts. The nearest I can come up with was some girl I worked with from Somerfield. She was just a bit pathetic, she had no real personality and all she seemed to do was post 8000 messages on facebook about every single thing she did. She'd get down and miserable because she had no money, but never wanted to work more than her 12 hour weeks. I can't think of any spectacularly mental people I've worked with.

One of the big regrets of my working life is I've never seen any massive bust ups at work that haven't involved me. Not even a raised hand.

 

Your not the bloke who gets drunk in the office and is sick in the toilet before the Xmas party has even started are ya?

I was the one who felt like he was gonna do a Mrs Mia Wallace at the last christmas party.

[Howmanheyman 33196]

These stories are great, especially X-I-S-C-O's posts. The nearest I can come up with was some girl I worked with from Somerfield. She was just a bit pathetic, she had no real personality and all she seemed to do was post 8000 messages on facebook about every single thing she did. She'd get down and miserable because she had no money, but never wanted to work more than her 12 hour weeks. I can't think of any spectacularly mental people I've worked with.

One of the big regrets of my working life is I've never seen any massive bust ups at work that haven't involved me. Not even a raised hand.

It was a year or two before my time, but a couple of blokes got sacked for hanging a 'darky' where I once worked. It was apparently a joke that got out of hand.

[Anorthernsoul 1221]

Lad that constantly says "happy days".

 

Cunt.

[McFaul 35]

Lad that constantly says "happy days".

 

Cunt.

Many cunts like that these days it's even rubbed off on me

[McFaul 35]

These stories are great, especially X-I-S-C-O's posts. The nearest I can come up with was some girl I worked with from Somerfield. She was just a bit pathetic, she had no real personality and all she seemed to do was post 8000 messages on facebook about every single thing she did. She'd get down and miserable because she had no money, but never wanted to work more than her 12 hour weeks. I can't think of any spectacularly mental people I've worked with.

One of the big regrets of my working life is I've never seen any massive bust ups at work that haven't involved me. Not even a raised hand.

It was a year or two before my time, but a couple of blokes got sacked for hanging a 'darky' where I once worked. It was apparently a joke that got out of hand.

What?!?!?!??! Alabama style???!?!?

[Park Life 71]

One of the best things to do in the office is get in early and listen to the messages on everyone elses phone before they come in.

[Kid Dynamite 7027]

Lad that constantly says "happy days".

 

Cunt.

 

And ''Good times'' used 1000 fucking times a week to describe any vaguely enjoyable activity

[Welsh Magpie 0]

When i was in the army my sergeant used to be a right boring cunt (he was a brummie) he would always go on how to do things correct.

well one time (at band camp) we were out on execise he was giving us this speach on driving safe to do's and what not to do dont crash blah blah blah..

then he drove hundred yards down the road straight through an R.AF fence into their camp he never lived that one down . he didnt have any phrases but he was a ginger work wanker!!

[Howmanheyman 33196]

These stories are great, especially X-I-S-C-O's posts. The nearest I can come up with was some girl I worked with from Somerfield. She was just a bit pathetic, she had no real personality and all she seemed to do was post 8000 messages on facebook about every single thing she did. She'd get down and miserable because she had no money, but never wanted to work more than her 12 hour weeks. I can't think of any spectacularly mental people I've worked with.

One of the big regrets of my working life is I've never seen any massive bust ups at work that haven't involved me. Not even a raised hand.

It was a year or two before my time, but a couple of blokes got sacked for hanging a 'darky' where I once worked. It was apparently a joke that got out of hand.

What?!?!?!??! Alabama style???!?!?

Yep!

 

Was a carry on with an Asian who worked there as they were all having a joke about the KKK apparently, the Asian lad as well, but I think drink was involved, well it would've been as almost everyone drank at work then, anyway, it went to far, they put some rope round his neck, kicked away the Broon Ale crate he was standing on and the lad didn't see the funny side anymore.

[Ayatollah Hermione 13866]

Fucking hell!

[Howmanheyman 33196]

There was IIRC five of them and they were all sacked but two got their jobs back on appeal. I wasn't there at the time but the tale is 100% genuine. (Thats actual 100% as opposed to a 'Pardew' 100%)

[trophyshy 7083]

I got a caution from the police on a work do; was hoyed out of a nightclub for, very intelligently and astutely, calling the bouncer a 'dickless wonder'. They stopped having them in cities after that, all done at remote country houses which tbf were a lot less naff as there was no access to Flares or Reflex.

 

edit: Just read the posts above, seems a bit insensitive of me really.

 

When you say hanging, did they go all the way?

Edited September 14, 2011 by trophyshy

[DanTheMan 0]

The SMB used to have a thread called 'Billy Bullshit' all about workplace liars- can't find the original but this was the continuation http://www.readytogo.net/smb/showthread.ph...=billy+bullshit

 

What I loved about it was how mundane most of it was- one bloke claimed to be related to the guy who invented Marrowfat peas until he was called out on it. My favourite was a bloke who said that one time he was working on a building site carrying a massive bit of wood over his head, when a gale blew and picked him up in the air. He said he landed in a field 2 miles away then got docked wages by his boss once he arrived back for skiving

 

Also:

 

lad i knew who reckoned he got rid of his car cos it was so fast that everytime he put his foot down he got blown through the back window. he also claimed to have karate chopped a seagull in half as it flew past.

 

welsh kid i met on my travels reckoned he nodded off on the floor in spain and when he woke up he had been carried down the corridor by a load of ants.

Edited September 14, 2011 by DanTheMan

[The Fish 10857]

The SMB used to have a thread called 'Billy Bullshit' all about workplace liars- can't find the original but this was the continuation http://www.readytogo.net/smb/showthread.ph...=billy+bullshit

 

What I loved about it was how mundane most of it was- one bloke claimed to be related to the guy who invented Marrowfat peas until he was called out on it. My favourite was a bloke who said that one time he was working on a building site carrying a massive bit of wood over his head, when a gale blew and picked him up in the air. He said he landed in a field 2 miles away then got docked wages by his boss once he arrived back for skiving

 

Also:

 

lad i knew who reckoned he got rid of his car cos it was so fast that everytime he put his foot down he got blown through the back window. he also claimed to have karate chopped a seagull in half as it flew past.

 

welsh kid i met on my travels reckoned he nodded off on the floor in spain and when he woke up he had been carried down the corridor by a load of ants.

[Howmanheyman 33196]

I got a caution from the police on a work do; was hoyed out of a nightclub for, very intelligently and astutely, calling the bouncer a 'dickless wonder'. They stopped having them in cities after that, all done at remote country houses which tbf were a lot less naff as there was no access to Flares or Reflex.

 

edit: Just read the posts above, seems a bit insensitive of me really.

 

When you say hanging, did they go all the way?

No they just hanged him. His arse stayed intact.

[Ayatollah Hermione 13866]

welsh kid i met on my travels reckoned he nodded off on the floor in spain and when he woke up he had been carried down the corridor by a load of ants.

 

in tears here

[Kevin 1]

The SMB used to have a thread called 'Billy Bullshit' all about workplace liars- can't find the original but this was the continuation http://www.readytogo.net/smb/showthread.ph...=billy+bullshit

 

What I loved about it was how mundane most of it was- one bloke claimed to be related to the guy who invented Marrowfat peas until he was called out on it. My favourite was a bloke who said that one time he was working on a building site carrying a massive bit of wood over his head, when a gale blew and picked him up in the air. He said he landed in a field 2 miles away then got docked wages by his boss once he arrived back for skiving

 

Also:

 

lad i knew who reckoned he got rid of his car cos it was so fast that everytime he put his foot down he got blown through the back window. he also claimed to have karate chopped a seagull in half as it flew past.

 

welsh kid i met on my travels reckoned he nodded off on the floor in spain and when he woke up he had been carried down the corridor by a load of ants.

 

hahahahahahahahaha

[The Fish 10857]

by the way, if you're thinking, "it's weird, there isn't a work wanker at my job", it's you.

[Meenzer 15526]

Shit.

[Jusoda Kid 1]

Theres a kid on the SMB called Greedminds, friend of the stars, the Krays, gangster the lot, read some of his posts, fucking great.

[S-I-S-S-O-K-O 0]

Today's offerings.

 

He was trained in the army on how to take a bullet and ignore the pain so he could continue to lead his men. He took one in battle to put the training to good use. And it worked.

 

His grandson scored 10 goals in the first half the other day and scouts from all North East clubs were clamouring over him at half time. He even managed to score a goal from his own box (he's 12 years old). The game ended 10-1 and the scouts ignored him at full time.

[Monkeys Fist 42440]

Today's offerings.

 

He was trained in the army on how to take a bullet and ignore the pain so he could continue to lead his men. He took one in battle to put the training to good use. And it worked.

 

His grandson scored 10 goals in the first half the other day and scouts from all North East clubs were clamouring over him at half time. He even managed to score a goal from his own box (he's 12 years old). The game ended 10-1 and the scouts ignored him at full time.

NUFC scouts then?

[The Fish 10857]

• 12/05/2011 – Thursday He was a Harbour master and had the honour of mooring of the Marchioness

 

• 12/05/2011 – Thursday – Afternoon He could have calculated the correct way to blow up a planet, it depends on a number of factors such as the thickness of the crust. Suggested that he could work out the calculation and would know exactly how to blow up Alderon (Star Wars apparently)

 

• 12/05/2011 – Thursday - 18:00 He has been doing Karate since he was 3 and that training is why he can turn his arm 360, he went up the "Japanese mountains" to learn this craft

 

• 12/05/2011 – Thursday 18:54 He doesn’t have a pancreas

 

• 17/05/ 2011 – During a shift hand over; we were discussing possible locations for a summer

holiday 2011. Someone mentioned that it might be cheap getting to Libya. The response

to this from a certain person was that he has no intention of ever going back to that

godforsaken place again, after the hard time he had when he was working over there on

something he could not tell us about.

 

• 12/06/2011 – He hauled the bodies out of the water from the Marchioness

 

• 12/06/2011 – He witnessed British Soldiers executing Irish people behind the back of a double decker bus

 

• 01/08/2011 – He doesn’t believe in coincidence OR fate, but something else, that he could not or would not define.

 

• 01/08/2011 – He didn’t get his bog-standard fishing vest it was... “issued”. By whom, He's not allowed to say.

 

• 02/08/2011 – This morning when I came in to work, a certain person was fondling a new ring he has just bought. Knowing that he was desperate to talk about it, I ignored him. After a while one of the guys asked him about it, to which he replied that it is a Solid Titanium ring and limited edition. It had scripture on, which he gladly translated to all of us. It is a replica Lord of the Rings piece. When asked him how expensive it was, he said guess. We said about £200 to goad him a bit.

 

After a while he said it was in the region of £500.

 

At today’s prices:

Titanium = Not sold by the ounce as it is so cheap

Gold = £1100 per ounce

After googling the Ring = £60.55p

This person = Gollum

 

• He invented the ANPR

 

• 04/08/2011 He has qualifications in Quantum Mechanics and Astro-Physics

 

• Today ( Sat 13 aug 2011 ) Stanley told me that he has just got an iphone 5 for his mum and it took him 15 min to hack into it. They had not yet been released... anywhere... at all. This is the same mother who he declared a technophobe not a month ago

 

• When asked how much an average sized workmate weighs, the gentleman in question replied “Around 82kilos, the same as me, there’s not much in it.” This guy has more chins than my sister and a greater gut inch to height inch ratio than a paddling pool

[Monkeys Fist 42440]

"• 12/05/2011 – Thursday 18:54 He doesn’t have a pancreas"

 

… out of them all, for some reason this made me giggle