"Oh Fuck" Situations

[Christmas Tree 4852]

Any good stories when you find yourself in a situation and suddenly think "oh fuck".

 

Today I was at home and looking forward to the match when a call of nature turned out to be a small bout of the shits. Put this down to too much rich food and set off for the game.

 

A pint in the strawberry was quicly followed by a cheesburger and then a pint in Shearers.

 

Once again the rumbling started and I got to the loo just in time for the eruption. It was one of those were you know you have people on either side so you try and controll the fall out.

 

A few minutes later and the deed was done. I reached out for the toilet roll.........

 

Not a fucking drop.

 

Having ransacked every pocket available the reality of the situation sank in. I reached for the phone and sent a text to my companion, my daughters boyfriend, explaining my predicament.

 

5 minutes turned into 10 without any salvation. I realised that he must have no signal and was left with a choice of using a very good pair of gloves or removing a CK T shirt which was under my jumper.

 

In desperation I tried ringing him but the call just wouldnt connect.

 

As I started to peel off my jumper a distant voice could be heard shouting...Andy.....Andy....are you there.

 

Never have I been so happy to hear another mans voice in the cubicles.

[Billy Castell 0]

Got shut in the freezer whilst working at Somerfield. I was getting some stock out of the freezer room for a customer, and I didn't push the door far enough for it to stay open. True to form for that place, the mechanism that allowed you to open the door from the inside didn't work (which is illegal). Luckily I could get a signal on my mobile, rang my girlfriend, who went to the store to tell the staff I was in there.

[paddy 17]

Any good stories when you find yourself in a situation and suddenly think "oh fuck".

 

Today I was at home and looking forward to the match when a call of nature turned out to be a small bout of the shits. Put this down to too much rich food and set off for the game.

 

A pint in the strawberry was quicly followed by a cheesburger and then a pint in Shearers.

 

Once again the rumbling started and I got to the loo just in time for the eruption. It was one of those were you know you have people on either side so you try and controll the fall out.

 

A few minutes later and the deed was done. I reached out for the toilet roll.........

 

Not a fucking drop.

 

Having ransacked every pocket available the reality of the situation sank in. I reached for the phone and sent a text to my companion, my daughters boyfriend, explaining my predicament.

 

5 minutes turned into 10 without any salvation. I realised that he must have no signal and was left with a choice of using a very good pair of gloves or removing a CK T shirt which was under my jumper.

 

In desperation I tried ringing him but the call just wouldnt connect.

 

As I started to peel off my jumper a distant voice could be heard shouting...Andy.....Andy....are you there.

 

Never have I been so happy to hear another mans voice in the cubicles.

[Mac-Toon 1]

One of my first jobs was as a climbing instructor at an activity centre in Wales. I was 17, obviously a handsome lad, a devilish Geordie charm etc etc. We used to get naughty boys homes and borstal types in for rehabilitation and what have you.

 

Anyway, we also spent one night of their stay building shelters in the woodland and camping out. One group we had in was a mixed race group, full of kids with stones in their shoes, gangster'd up. One kid was off his tits and refused to wear a helmet to climb so couldn't. Whilst stoppin' out in the woods one kid came to our shelter and said 'shanks gone missing'. (this was about 3am). Being in charge of peoples kids my reaction was 'oh fuck'.

 

We hunted for him for 45 minutes before finding him sat by a river smoking a joint. We removed it from him, I gave him a slap, took him back. I snuck off, fired up the joint and again 10 minutes later baked out my head thought 'aaaah fuuuck'.

[Monroe Transfer 0]

Any good stories when you find yourself in a situation and suddenly think "oh fuck".

 

Generally whilst watching the Toon as of late.

[Besty 4]

When you open a thread and realise it's a CT thread.

[Welsh Magpie 0]

When my ex produced a prenancy test and it being positive that was definetly an "Oh Fuck" moment.

[Monkeys Fist 43137]

I got in this taxi the other day coming back from a mates house in South Shields

The driver started banging on about politics…

 

 

…"Oh Fuck!"

[ToonMarshy 2]

The moment I (in my stupid youth days) held a new years party in my flat that i shared, it was barely past 8pm and we were having a pre-party 'blaze' when one of the lads asked me to open a window.

 

I got up, went to lift the arm lever on the window - and gave it a push, nothing happened.

After pushing a couple more times I - without thinking - gave the window an almighty slam with my open palm.

Everything went black for a second and the room fell quiet, my vision kinda blurred back in and i turned to my mates who all had looks of terror on their faces.

 

When one of the lasses screamed - it broke the adrenaline fuel I was in, and gazing down at my hand and seeing my thumb near severed and hanging off by a thread of skin, as well as all the sliced muscles and bits and bobs that go through that meaty part of your hand - and the fountain of blood spraying out of it.

 

Was a "Oh FuckOh FuckOh FuckOh FuckOh FuckOh Fuck!"

Moment.

 

*shudder*

[trophyshy 7084]

just fell down the stairs, slipped on the second from top and bounced on my arse down every one thinking 'oh fuck'

 

I seem to be okay, but I've been drinking for 10 hours.

 

wor lass slipped on them last week too. Time to get a bungalow?

[ToonMarshy 2]

Or a sledge

[Guest You FCB Get Out Of Our Club]

Thank fuck

[Dr Kenneth Noisewater 0]

Thank fuck

Where's your post gone Stevie?

 

Made a joke about abortion infront of a lass who's had two (for medical reasons) on the 23rd. She's not talked to me since.

Edited December 27, 2010 by Dr Kenneth Noisewater

[Holden McGroin 6786]

I got in this taxi the other day coming back from a mates house in South Shields

The driver started banging on about politics…

 

 

…"Oh Fuck!"

[Ayatollah Hermione 14069]

Drifting sideways along the A1 when the snow was really bad; if anything else was on the road, we'd gave been fucked. We were blaring Crossroads though so it was immense at the time.

[Guest You FCB Get Out Of Our Club]

When I was about 18 I stayed with me sister in London for a month was gonna move there full time but I craved Newcastle in the end. She'd just moved in with this new bloke, who she ended up marrying and his mother was down there too visiting. Anyway, I'd never seen the internet before, and we got in from the pub absolutely pissed, and her fella said have a look around the net if you want. So I did, I couldn't believe you had all this football news at your finger tips. Then I started looking for some porn, 18 young and daft, I was thinking this is fuckin great this. Anyway I fell asleep, woke up and for some daft reason I'd printed off loads of pornstar pics but forgot they were on the printer. I went to the shop to get the NOTW, come back and me sisters now mother in law, 50 odd year old was holding up this picture of some pornstar gettin shagged off a big black bloke. Honestly I wanted the ground to open up. Easily one of the most cringeworthy moments of me life that. Not only that but she telt me parents so when I got home I had to face the music in the toon too.

[Christmas Tree 4852]

I got in this taxi the other day coming back from a mates house in South Shields

The driver started banging on about politics…

 

 

…"Oh Fuck!"

 

 

That was you!

[Besty 4]

I got in this taxi the other day coming back from a mates house in South Shields

The driver started banging on about politics…

 

 

…"Oh Fuck!"

 

 

That was you!

 

Car wouldn't of started with you two stumpy fuckers in it.

[Tom 14013]

Stevie that's awful

[Monkeys Fist 43137]

I got in this taxi the other day coming back from a mates house in South Shields

The driver started banging on about politics…

 

 

…"Oh Fuck!"

 

 

That was you!

 

Car wouldn't of started with you two stumpy fuckers in it.

It's one of those Eco-cars. Runs on hot air.

[Howmanheyman 33921]

Once when I was about 22, I was visiting family in Northern Ireland during the troubles, my cousin was seeing this lass who was catholic and I got into her mate whilst I was staying over there, we went out as a foursome and my cousin's lass was off the drink and drove us around to different bars until we ended up at this place in West Belfast where every other fucker was walking around with Celtic tops on. There was a karoake on and very noisy, I told my cousin that we were going to have a pint and get the fuck out of the club before some cunt twigged my accent and put two and two together and thought that a Brit squaddie was shagging one of their lasses, I wasn't a squaddie but you didn't get too many Geordie 22 year olds in Ulster back then who weren't in the forces so didn't think they'd have been inclined to believe me and even if the vast majority would've been fine it would only have took one bloke to pick the phone up and make a call to some nasty cunts. Anyway, it was noisy but I was bursting for a piss so I had to go the bog where it was quiet and I was the only one in, halfway through my very long piss a gadgie walks in, "What about, ye? you with Denice? she's a lovely girl so she is, I'm her uncle, you look after now"

 

I smiled, mumbled something in my best Belfast accent I could do and got the fuck out as fast as I could! Definitely an 'Oh fuck' moment.

[Christmas Tree 4852]

I got in this taxi the other day coming back from a mates house in South Shields

The driver started banging on about politics…

 

 

…"Oh Fuck!"

 

 

That was you!

 

Car wouldn't of started with you two stumpy fuckers in it.

 

 

Cheeky fucker Im taller than him.

 

Im sure the normal "Im a girls blouse and have put on an ounce so need to hit the gym" thread will start shortly, but Ive made a stand and started the diet early.

 

Have ballooned to 14, 7 (been hovering around 13, 7 a few months back) and should probaby be nearer 12 stone.

 

Think I even felt my inner thighs rub together when I was walking yesterday.

 

Bought a treadmill a few months back and havent used it yet so really going to go for it over the next few weeks.

[Park Life 71]

Driving at night in Genoa (to San Remo) a few years ago on an unlit part of the coastline, I thought I'd just pull over for a fag and some fresh air. It was clearer on the passenger side so I got out the other side of the car. As I lit my ciggie I noticed the the sheer drop on the drivers side about a yard from where I would have opened the door.

[Jimbo 175]

I seem to have far too many "oh fuck" moments for one person, but one that stands out is when I was driving up to Newcastle from Suffolk to see us play Barcelona, 2000 ? anyway I'm just about where I meet the A1 around Leicester, when I hear a loud pop from my engine and suddenly my acceleration is really sluggish but I carry on regardless, by the time I'm at Scotch Corner its got a whole lot worse, I'm supposed to be staying with a friend in Penrith, so I turn down the A66, by this time I'm limited to 20 miles an hour and there is a plume of black smoke coming from the back of my car that resembles the Buncefield oil refinery explosion, there is a line of cars behind me that almost stretches to the horizon, no one can overtake due to the acrid black smoke funneling out of my exhaust pipe.

 

I get to my friends house and stay the night, the following day he drives me to Newcastle where I hang out with the Danish supporters club who have got me a ticket, after the game my friend picks me up and we drive back in his car back to his house, I get up first thing in the morning for the drive back to Suffolk, I say my good byes to my friend and begin what would be a long long day....

 

I figured my car was probably still undriveable but I'm a fucking idiot so I try anyway, I got about 5 miles and thought enough was enough, the smoke was back and I think my speed was in single figures, its time I called the RAC, so I'm on the side of the road next to what should have been my white Ford Escort Estate, but looked like it had been joy-ridden and burnt out due to the soot that covered the back 3rd of the car, I wait a good hour for a RAC patrol vehicle and takes one look under the bonnet and tells me I'll need towing back home, oh joy.

 

He calls for a recovery vehicle which again takes an hour to arrive, this isn't an RAC truck, this is some local recovery firm that has a contract with the RAC, I tell the driver how far I need to go and his face drops like a pan of hot shit, I've obviously ruined his day, he gets my smoldering wreck on the back of his truck and off we go, he's so pissed off he can't even bother with small talk, I'm gazing out of the window wondering what stupid time of the night I'll end up getting back home when there is a crash and clatter from the truck, we look at each other in shock and in unison look in the wing mirrors to see the exhaust pipe of the recovery vehicle clatter down the slow lane of the A1.

 

Without the exhaust pipe the truck sounds like something from Mad Max, we hastily pull over on the hard shoulder and the lad calls his boss and explains what has happened, after about 10 mins he apologizes and informs me that another truck is on its way, and that my car will by transferred to the next truck and I'll be on my way soon, I try and laugh it off and find a bush on the side of the A1 to take shelter in. Another hour goes by and the next truck is finally here, my car is taken off the first truck and put on the back of the 2nd, all seems well when I hear an "oh fuck" I peer out of the bush to see both drivers pointing to a growing puddle of oil under the new truck, great, the sump has a leak and the contents of the engine are now dribbling down the A1.

 

More apologies follow and some more red faced phone calls back to the boss, who apparently has the genius plan of getting one of the secretaries to go buy an exhaust pipe and bring it to the truck on the hardshoulder of the A1 where these two loons will attempt to fit it....... 2 hours later a secretary arrives in a Ford Fiesta with about 6 feet of exhaust pipe poking out of the window, the two drivers then climb under the truck and attempt to fit it, but judging by the throwing of spanners and swearing, they seem to be having problems.

 

After spending what seems like an eternity sitting in my bush, wondering what evil I must have done in a previous life to deserve such bad luck, the driver walks up to me and tells me that despite their best efforts, they can't fix the exhaust with the new one, apparently every thing is rusted solid and they can't shift any of the nuts and bolts with their 8" adjustable spanner, but the good news is that with some old rags, a coat hanger and some cable ties, they have made a temporary joint on the old pipe and we can continue on our way, so we do that, we continue the 200 and something miles back to suffolk in a truck cab full of fumes and at grand speed of 40 miles an hour, I eventually get back home something close to midnight, the driver gets my car off the back of his truck and seems to be hovering for a tip, you've got to be kidding I think to myself, the only tip I'd give his is to next time, make sure your truck isn't about to fall apart before you leave for a job.

[Toonraider 0]

A couple years back we were on our friends yacht in Torquay marina. We'd had a good evening out watching a band by the harbour so ended up on their nearby yacht for a drink. (and it was one drink for me)! As we were saying our goodbyes I wasnt watching what I was doing and as I climbed down the rope thingy I let go way to soon to jump onto the pontoon and misjudged where I was The yacht wasnt so close to the pontoon as when we had got on and there was a gap.... yes I slid right down the gap and shot noiselessly under the water It was a large racing yacht, so I had gathered some speed as I'd slid down the side of it too! I hurt my hands trying to grab hold of something as I slid....but it was all too smooth, I knew I was going in. Apparantely I hardly made a sound, just a little splash sound as I went under. Hubby (already on pontoon) turned around and I was gone!! It doesnt sound too scarey maybe for you, but for me it was a nightmare. I hate going under the water especially out of my depth. It was midnight....dark and rainy. I remember looking up as I went under and seeing the boat and the pontoon over me, I thought oh my god I'm going to drown here! ...I almost certainly would have panicked but luckily quick thinking hubby had laid down on the pontoon and just managed to grab the ends of my hair which broke my speed abit. thank god my hair was very long then Anyhow they somehow managed to get me back up but I still shiver when I think what might have happened. Our mate was just happy I hadnt banged my head and knocked myself out.

I havent been on the yacht since

When we sell our race car and gear we are thinking of having a boat instead but now I'm not so sure!!