if you heard a joke today, post it

[Tdansmith 3260]

Saw a local council worker deliberately stamp on a slug this morning!
I said what did you do that for?
He said “it’s been following me around for 3 weeks!

[Tdansmith 3260]

2d

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, “This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!” So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies—two in the front seat and three in the back—eyes wide and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, “Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?”

“Ma’am,” the officer replies, “You weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.”

“Slower than the speed limit?” she asked. “No, sir. I was doing the speed limit exactly… Twenty-two miles an hour!” the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police Officer, trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that “22” was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the Officer for pointing out her error.

“But before I let you go, ma’am, I have to ask… Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time,” the officer asks.

“Oh, they’ll be alright in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 119.”

[RobinRobin 12046]

4 hours ago, Tdansmith said:

2d

Sitting on the side of the highway waiting to catch speeding drivers, a State Police Officer sees a car puttering along at 22 MPH. He thinks to himself, “This driver is just as dangerous as a speeder!” So he turns on his lights and pulls the driver over. Approaching the car, he notices that there are five old ladies—two in the front seat and three in the back—eyes wide and white as ghosts. The driver, obviously confused, says to him, “Officer, I don’t understand, I was doing exactly the speed limit! What seems to be the problem?”

“Ma’am,” the officer replies, “You weren’t speeding, but you should know that driving slower than the speed limit can also be a danger to other drivers.”

“Slower than the speed limit?” she asked. “No, sir. I was doing the speed limit exactly… Twenty-two miles an hour!” the old woman says a bit proudly. The State Police Officer, trying to contain a chuckle, explains to her that “22” was the route number, not the speed limit. A bit embarrassed, the woman grinned and thanked the Officer for pointing out her error.

“But before I let you go, ma’am, I have to ask… Is everyone in this car ok? These women seem awfully shaken and they haven’t muttered a single peep this whole time,” the officer asks.

“Oh, they’ll be alright in a minute, officer. We just got off Route 119.”

[Wardi 222]

I'm trying to train my dog to play the trumpet on the London Underground. 

Progress is good - he's gone from barking to tooting in less than an hour. 

[RobinRobin 12046]

2 hours ago, Wardi said:

I'm trying to train my dog to play the trumpet on the London Underground. 

Progress is good - he's gone from barking to tooting in less than an hour. 

[Dazzler 11178]

2 hours ago, Wardi said:

I'm trying to train my dog to play the trumpet on the London Underground. 

Progress is good - he's gone from barking to tooting in less than an hour. 

[wykikitoon 21994]

3 hours ago, Wardi said:

I'm trying to train my dog to play the trumpet on the London Underground. 

Progress is good - he's gone from barking to tooting in less than an hour. 

 

[wykikitoon 21994]

I only know 25 letters of the alphabet and I don't know Y

[Meenzer 16025]

Don't worry, it's one of the less useful letters anyway.  

[Dazzler 11178]

6 minutes ago, wykikitoon said:

I only know 25 letters of the alphabet and I don't know Y

Lying cunt

Edited May 2, 2024 by Dazzler

[wykikitoon 21994]

13 minutes ago, Meenzer said:

Don't worry, it's one of the less useful letters anyway.  

T old my wife this joke.  She looked at me confused, asked me to say the alphabet and I should know which one I am missing  

 

Fuck me, have a day off and stop thinking about Callum

[Gemmill 48206]

I like to think she was just giving that joke (jurrrk) every last bit of the respect that it deserves. 

[wykikitoon 21994]

[RobinRobin 12046]

13 hours ago, wykikitoon said:

I only know 25 letters of the alphabet and I don't know Y

[Tdansmith 3260]

A truck loaded with thousands of copies of Roget's Thesaurus crashed yesterday losing its entire load.

 Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied, confused, shocked, rattled, paralyzed, dazed, bewildered, mixed up, surprised, awed, dumbfounded, nonplussed, flabbergasted, astounded, amazed, confounded, astonished, overwhelmed, horrified, numbed, speechless, and perplexed.

[RobinRobin 12046]

8 hours ago, Tdansmith said:

A truck loaded with thousands of copies of Roget's Thesaurus crashed yesterday losing its entire load.

 Witnesses were stunned, startled, aghast, taken aback, stupefied, confused, shocked, rattled, paralyzed, dazed, bewildered, mixed up, surprised, awed, dumbfounded, nonplussed, flabbergasted, astounded, amazed, confounded, astonished, overwhelmed, horrified, numbed, speechless, and perplexed.

[Monkeys Fist 44185]

Past three nights as I’ve taken the mutt out for his evening shite, there’s been a bloke sitting under the same street light, dressed top-to-toe in hi viz gear, deep in thought. 
 

I finally cracked tonight when he was there again and asked him what he was doing? 

He said 

“ Just reflecting, mate”. 

[RobinRobin 12046]

7 hours ago, Monkeys Fist said:

Past three nights as I’ve taken the mutt out for his evening shite, there’s been a bloke sitting under the same street light, dressed top-to-toe in hi viz gear, deep in thought. 
 

I finally cracked tonight when he was there again and asked him what he was doing? 

He said 

“ Just reflecting, mate”. 

[Dazzler 11178]

12 hours ago, Monkeys Fist said:

Past three nights as I’ve taken the mutt out for his evening shite, there’s been a bloke sitting under the same street light, dressed top-to-toe in hi viz gear, deep in thought. 
 

I finally cracked tonight when he was there again and asked him what he was doing? 

He said 

“ Just reflecting, mate”. 

[Sonatine 11801]

13 hours ago, Monkeys Fist said:

Past three nights as I’ve taken the mutt out for his evening shite, there’s been a bloke sitting under the same street light, dressed top-to-toe in hi viz gear, deep in thought. 
 

I finally cracked tonight when he was there again and asked him what he was doing? 

He said 

“ Just reflecting, mate”. 

[The Fish 11260]

16 hours ago, Monkeys Fist said:

Past three nights as I’ve taken the mutt out for his evening shite, there’s been a bloke sitting under the same street light, dressed top-to-toe in hi viz gear, deep in thought. 
 

I finally cracked tonight when he was there again and asked him what he was doing? 

He said 

“ Just reflecting, mate”. 

[Tdansmith 3260]

18 hours ago, Monkeys Fist said:

Past three nights as I’ve taken the mutt out for his evening shite, there’s been a bloke sitting under the same street light, dressed top-to-toe in hi viz gear, deep in thought. 
 

I finally cracked tonight when he was there again and asked him what he was doing? 

He said 

“ Just reflecting, mate”. 

[Dr Gloom 23017]

19 hours ago, Monkeys Fist said:

Past three nights as I’ve taken the mutt out for his evening shite, there’s been a bloke sitting under the same street light, dressed top-to-toe in hi viz gear, deep in thought. 
 

I finally cracked tonight when he was there again and asked him what he was doing? 

He said 

“ Just reflecting, mate”. 

 

[PaddockLad 18291]

20 hours ago, Monkeys Fist said:

Past three nights as I’ve taken the mutt out for his evening shite, there’s been a bloke sitting under the same street light, dressed top-to-toe in hi viz gear, deep in thought. 
 

I finally cracked tonight when he was there again and asked him what he was doing? 

He said 

“ Just reflecting, mate”. 

[Howmanheyman 35249]

20 hours ago, Monkeys Fist said:

Past three nights as I’ve taken the mutt out for his evening shite, there’s been a bloke sitting under the same street light, dressed top-to-toe in hi viz gear, deep in thought. 
 

I finally cracked tonight when he was there again and asked him what he was doing? 

He said 

“ Just reflecting, mate”. 

 

"I really didn't think it was that funny if I'm being totally honest. What did I say Roy?"

 

"She said she's had prolapsed hemorrhoids that were more amusing."

 

"I didn't say that, Roy!!!"