if you heard a joke today, post it

[Dazzler 11189]

26 minutes ago, Monkeys Fist said:

I was sitting on a bench having my bait the other when this old dear came and sat down with her chihuahua. 
 

It kept jumping up at my ankles, begging for some tasty morsels, so I turned to the old biddy and said 

“ Is it ok if I throw your wee dog a bit?”

” Of course, yes” she said. 
 

So picked the little rat up and chucked it in to the traffic. 

[Sonatine 11802]

35 minutes ago, Monkeys Fist said:

I was sitting on a bench having my bait the other when this old dear came and sat down with her chihuahua. 
 

It kept jumping up at my ankles, begging for some tasty morsels, so I turned to the old biddy and said 

“ Is it ok if I throw your wee dog a bit?”

” Of course, yes” she said. 
 

So picked the little rat up and chucked it in to the traffic. 

[wykikitoon 21995]

1 hour ago, Monkeys Fist said:

I was sitting on a bench having my bait the other when this old dear came and sat down with her chihuahua. 
 

It kept jumping up at my ankles, begging for some tasty morsels, so I turned to the old biddy and said 

“ Is it ok if I throw your wee dog a bit?”

” Of course, yes” she said. 
 

So picked the little rat up and chucked it in to the traffic. 

[Dr Gloom 23021]

1 hour ago, Monkeys Fist said:

I was sitting on a bench having my bait the other when this old dear came and sat down with her chihuahua. 
 

It kept jumping up at my ankles, begging for some tasty morsels, so I turned to the old biddy and said 

“ Is it ok if I throw your wee dog a bit?”

” Of course, yes” she said. 
 

So picked the little rat up and chucked it in to the traffic. 

 

[ewerk 32211]

1 hour ago, Monkeys Fist said:

I was sitting on a bench having my bait the other when this old dear came and sat down with her chihuahua. 
 

It kept jumping up at my ankles, begging for some tasty morsels, so I turned to the old biddy and said 

“ Is it ok if I throw your wee dog a bit?”

” Of course, yes” she said. 
 

So picked the little rat up and chucked it in to the traffic. 

 

[RobinRobin 12048]

15 hours ago, Monkeys Fist said:

I was sitting on a bench having my bait the other when this old dear came and sat down with her . 
 

It kept jumping up at my ankles, begging for some tasty morsels, so I turned to the old biddy and said 

“ Is it ok if I throw your wee dog a bit?”

” Of course, yes” she said. 
 

So picked the little rat up and chucked it in to the traffic. 

[Holden McGroin 7210]

I just got sacked from my job at the Ice-cream parlour.

 

I refused to work Sundaes.

[Gemmill 48222]

You've spelt Sundays wrong. 

[Gemmill 48222]

Sorry to hear about the job BTW. 

[trophyshy 7171]

40 minutes ago, Holden McGroin said:

I just got sacked from my job at the Ice-cream parlour.

 

I refused to work on Sundaes.

 

[Gemmill 48222]

You as well?! 

[Dazzler 11189]

1 hour ago, Holden McGroin said:

I just got sacked from my job at the Ice-cream parlour.

 

I refused to work Sundaes.

[Wardi 222]

I managed to burn my Hawaiian pizza in the oven last night.

 

Maybe I should have tried aloha setting.

[Dazzler 11189]

2 minutes ago, Wardi said:

I managed to burn my Hawaiian pizza in the oven last night.

 

Maybe I should have tried aloha setting.

[ewerk 32211]

3 minutes ago, Wardi said:

I managed to burn my Hawaiian pizza in the oven last night.

 

Maybe I should have tried aloha setting.

 

Do you work in a Christmas cracker factory?

[Monkeys Fist 44186]

1 hour ago, ewerk said:

 

Do you work in a Christmas cracker factory?

Only on sundaes

[Meenzer 16025]

11 minutes ago, Monkeys Fist said:

Only on sundaes

 

You've spelt Sundays wrong. 

[RobinRobin 12048]

53 minutes ago, Monkeys Fist said:

Only on sundaes

[Tdansmith 3260]

A man and his wife were having some problems and giving each other the silent treatment.

The next week, the man realised he’d need his wife to wake him at 5 a.m. for an early flight.

Not wanting to be the first to break the silence, he finally wrote on a piece of paper: “Please wake me at 5 a.m.”

The next morning the man woke up, only to discover it was 9 a.m. and he’d missed his flight.

Furious, he was about to go and scream at his wife when he noticed a piece of paper by the bed that said: “It’s 5 a.m. Wake up.

[Tdansmith 3260]

A World known Wasp expert hears that a copy of an impossible to get vinyl 12” of wasp sounds is available to purchase in London so make the trip half way around the World to buy it… turning up at the record store, he asks the salesperson to play the record so he can check it for quality.

Anyway, after a few tracks the Wasp expert has become enraged at the waste of time given that the recording is not of rare wasps as he had been told. He is an expert and knows his stuff!

 

Shamefaced, the salesperson checks the record and concludes that he had played the Bee side instead.

[Monkeys Fist 44186]

3 minutes ago, Tdansmith said:

A World known Wasp expert hears that a copy of an impossible to get vinyl 12” of wasp sounds is available to purchase in London so make the trip half way around the World to buy it… turning up at the record store, he asks the salesperson to play the record so he can check it for quality.

Anyway, after a few tracks the Wasp expert has become enraged at the waste of time given that the recording is not of rare wasps as he had been told. He is an expert and knows his stuff!

 

Shamefaced, the salesperson checks the record and concludes that he had played the Bee side instead.

 

There’s a Viz advert for everything 

[RobinRobin 12048]

13 hours ago, Tdansmith said:

A World known Wasp expert hears that a copy of an impossible to get vinyl 12” of wasp sounds is available to purchase in London so make the trip half way around the World to buy it… turning up at the record store, he asks the salesperson to play the record so he can check it for quality.

Anyway, after a few tracks the Wasp expert has become enraged at the waste of time given that the recording is not of rare wasps as he had been told. He is an expert and knows his stuff!

 

Shamefaced, the salesperson checks the record and concludes that he had played the Bee side instead.

[Howmanheyman 35270]

Don't know about wasps but you can tell it's that time of the year again, unbelievably got stung by a bee leaving Sainsbury's yesterday. £5.99 for a fucking jar of honey!

[Gemmill 48222]

Yeah that's quite expensive. 

[The Fish 11264]

I accidentally bought a pot of manuka honey, only realised when I went through the receipt of a surprisingly expensive shop. 

 

£18 for a fucking jar of honey!