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if you heard a joke today, post it


Dr Gloom
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My wife asked me, "Are you sometimes surprised at how little people change?"

 

I said, "Actually the process is the same. They just have tiny clothes."

 

No - you shut up!

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3 hours ago, Dr Gloom said:

My wife asked me, "Are you sometimes surprised at how little people change?"

 

I said, "Actually the process is the same. They just have tiny clothes."

 

No - you shut up!

baby-crying-kill-me-now-hg35e6wgae0fxm1s

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3 hours ago, Dr Gloom said:

I asked a colleague when her birthday was.

 

She said March 1st.

 

So I walked around the room and asked again.

She wanted to go to the game, man. 
 

mmhmm-cousin.gif

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14 hours ago, Monkeys Fist said:

Turns out my Mrs. doesn’t trust me anymore…

 

 

… said so in her diary. 

seth meyers who hurt you GIF by Late Night with Seth Meyers

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As they get closer, they can see the tree is draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon. There’s smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving juicy nearly-raw bacon, all sorts.

“Oh my, Pepe” says the first bloke. “It’s a bacon tree! We’re saved!”

“You’re right!” says Pepe.

So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to the tree salivating at the prospect of food. But as he gets within five feet of the tree, there’s the sound of machine gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail of bullets. His friend quickly drops down on the sand, and calls across to the dying Pepe.

“Pepe! Pepe! What on earth happened?”

With his dying breath Pepe calls out, “Ugh, run, run! It’s not a Bacon Tree…it’s a Ham Bush”

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After a talking sheepdog gets all the sheep in the pen, he reports back to the farmer:

“All 40 accounted for.”

“But I only have 36 sheep,” says the farmer.

“I know,” says the sheepdog. “But I rounded them up.”😂

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3 minutes ago, Tdansmith said:

As they get closer, they can see the tree is draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon. There’s smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving juicy nearly-raw bacon, all sorts.

“Oh my, Pepe” says the first bloke. “It’s a bacon tree! We’re saved!”

“You’re right!” says Pepe.

So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to the tree salivating at the prospect of food. But as he gets within five feet of the tree, there’s the sound of machine gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail of bullets. His friend quickly drops down on the sand, and calls across to the dying Pepe.

“Pepe! Pepe! What on earth happened?”

With his dying breath Pepe calls out, “Ugh, run, run! It’s not a Bacon Tree…it’s a Ham Bush”

Anthony Carrigan Barry GIF by HBO

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A young man walks onto the stage of Stars in their Eyes, on crutches, with a plaster cast from his feet to his hips.

Matthew Kelly Introduces him as Simon.

“It’s very brave of you to come out here,” says Matthew. “Please tell the audience what happened.”

“Well,” replies Simon, “about a year ago, I was driving with my uncle when we had a really bad accident. Unfortunately my uncle was killed outright but I survived. I was trapped in the car for six hours before I was eventually cut free. The doctors had me in surgery for 12 hours but they couldn’t save my legs.”

“That’s terrible. But I see you have legs now. Are they artificial?” asks Matthew.

"No Matthew, while I was in hospital the doctors informed me that my uncle had in fact died. But they also said that his legs were fine and, with all the advances in medical science, they could graft the bottom half of his body onto mine. As you can see the operation was successful.
“I have been having physiotherapy for six months and hope to be walking fully again by the end of the year.”

A huge round of applause erupts from the audience.

Kelly responds with:
“That’s an unbelievable story. So tonight, who are you going to be?”

“Tonight, Matthew, I am going to be Simon and Half-uncle.”

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10 minutes ago, Gemmill said:

Have you watched Barry? NoHo Hank is one of the all time great comedy characters.

Watched the first season, but haven't got round to paying for the rest. It's ace though. Some genuine laugh out loud moments and yet loads of actual pathos. Reminded me of M.A.S.H. in that regard.

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17 minutes ago, Gemmill said:

Get cracking. It's all finished now so you can go all the way to completion.

That scene with his old friend in the car... couldn't believe it. But Noho Hank scenes are always the highlight.

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1 hour ago, Tdansmith said:

As they get closer, they can see the tree is draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon. There’s smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving juicy nearly-raw bacon, all sorts.

“Oh my, Pepe” says the first bloke. “It’s a bacon tree! We’re saved!”

“You’re right!” says Pepe.

So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to the tree salivating at the prospect of food. But as he gets within five feet of the tree, there’s the sound of machine gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail of bullets. His friend quickly drops down on the sand, and calls across to the dying Pepe.

“Pepe! Pepe! What on earth happened?”

With his dying breath Pepe calls out, “Ugh, run, run! It’s not a Bacon Tree…it’s a Ham Bush”

What happened to the first half? 

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9 hours ago, Tdansmith said:

As they get closer, they can see the tree is draped with rasher upon rasher of bacon. There’s smoked bacon, crispy bacon, life-giving juicy nearly-raw bacon, all sorts.

“Oh my, Pepe” says the first bloke. “It’s a bacon tree! We’re saved!”

“You’re right!” says Pepe.

So Pepe goes on ahead and runs up to the tree salivating at the prospect of food. But as he gets within five feet of the tree, there’s the sound of machine gun fire, and he is shot down in a hail of bullets. His friend quickly drops down on the sand, and calls across to the dying Pepe.

“Pepe! Pepe! What on earth happened?”

With his dying breath Pepe calls out, “Ugh, run, run! It’s not a Bacon Tree…it’s a Ham Bush”

season 8 insane asylum GIF

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