if you heard a joke today, post it

[Alex 35664]

[Christmas Tree 4858]

Why do divers fall backwards out of a boat?

Because if the fell forwards they’d still be in the boat. (Sorry)

[Renton 22050]

3 hours ago, Monkeys Fist said:

Three blokes are walking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. It booms 

"You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes." 

The first bloke immediately blurts out 

"I want a billion pounds ." 

POOF! he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact £1,000,000,003.50

The second man thinks for a bit, then says

 "I want to be the richest man alive." 

POOF! he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over £100 billion. 

The third chap thinks even longer about his wish, then says 

"I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." 

POOF! his arm starts rotating. 

The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish. First lad says: 

"I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." 

POOF! Salma Hayek wraps herself around his arm.

Second guy says 

"I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." 

POOF! his looks change and the Salma immediately starts flirting with him. 

Third lad says 

"I want my right arm to rotate anti-clockwise until I die." 

POOF! now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions. 

The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third and final wish. 

First one does, and after a while says

 "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die." 

POOF! his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him any more. 

Second bloke says

 "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever." POOF! he looks younger already. 

Third bloke smiles triumphantly and says 

"My last wish is for my head to constantly nod back and forth." 

POOF! he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around. 

The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways. 

Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going. First man is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever.Salma is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years." 

Second man smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your Salma is pretty wild in bed." 

Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says: 

"Guys, I think I fucked up."

 

That's brilliant. Actually funny as fuck even reading it. 

[Howmanheyman 33953]

A flea made redundant from a flea circus walks into a job centre around 1970 looking for a job and has an interview with a job centre employee. 

 

Job centre kid: "looks like you're in luck, factory next door are taking people on and....."

 

Flea: "woah! I'll just stop you there kidda. I used to work in a flea circus, I'm not doing any old shite. It has to be a job in showbusiness."

 

JCK: "OK, I'll see what we've got available. Right, looks like I've just the job. Lassie is looking for a flea on her new film, 'lassie come home'. Is that showbusiness enough for you?"

 

Flea: "Aye, sounds OK, I'll give it a go."

 

The flea hops off to his new job but two days later turns up at the job centre.

 

JCK: "What you doing back?"

 

Flea: "The job was no good."

 

JCK: "Are you kidding? You knocked back a factory job for this, said you wanted showbusiness didn't you?"

 

Flea: "Aye I did, but fucking lassie, man. She's jumping out burning buildings, jumping over dangerous rivers, fuck that! Just cos I'm a flea, I've got rights as well, y'knaa! Safety being one!"

 

JCK: "Alright, keep your hair on, I'll see what else we've got. Righto! He we go. Omar Sharif's new film are looking for a flea to go in his tache. That sound alright? Just think of all the Hollywood parties you'll get to?"

 

Flea: "Aye, sounds canny. I'll do that, like."

 

Off hops the flea to go his new job but two days later he walks back into the job centre.

 

JCK: "What the fuck you doing back? What was wrong this time? The Hollywood parties not your scene?"

 

Flea: "It was canny enough but the minute he went to a Hollywood party he'd get his cigar out and I could hardly breathe through all the smoke. Just cos I'm a flea, I've got rights as well, y'knaa!"

 

JCK: "Right! I've had enough of this shit. Here's a job here. Showbusiness and you'll be the envy of all your mates. Britt Ekland needs a flea in her pubes. Don't dare come back here after me giving you that gig."

 

Flea: "Fucking hell! I'm definitely up for that, like. When do I start? Hahaha!"

 

Off the flea hops for his rendezvous with Miss Ekland's minge.

 

Two days later he turns up at the job centre once again.

 

JCK: "You've got to be fucking kidding me, here like! I've gave you a job half the blokes in the world would snap your hands off for! What the fuck was the matter this time?"

 

Flea: "Nowt, it was fucking great at first, I had a good luck and a quick one off the wrist, no bother at all."

 

JCK: "So what happened?"

 

Flea: "She went to one of these Hollywood parties, didn't she?"

 

JCK: "And?"

 

Flea: " I ended up back on Omar Sharif's fucking tache!"

[Alex 35664]

[adios 717]

1 hour ago, Christmas Tree said:

Why do divers fall backwards out of a boat?

Because if the fell forwards they’d still be in the boat. (Sorry)

  

[Tdansmith 3259]

One of Michael Caine’s first jobs before he became famous, he was a roadie back-stage at rock festivals.

Whatever the bands ask for, he gets if for them - bottle of bourbon? No problem. Bag of weed? No problem. Uppers, downers? No problem.

One day, one of the bands asks him if he can find them a hooker. “No bovver at all, my san!” Off he goes, and sure enough, within a few minutes he’s back with a lady of the night. 
“That’s the caravan you want, my luv, that one over there. Once you’ve finished doing the business, I’ll settle up wiv yer.”
A few hours later, the lady presents him with her bill, but it’s a bit more than expected.
“What the bladdy ‘ell has gone on here?” screams Michael, “This is fahsands of pahnds!”
“Well,” she explains, “after I’d finished with the first band, I did a bit of business with Jimi Hendrix, The Who, Grateful Dead, you know.”
"But,” fumes Michael…
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
...“You're only supposed to blow The bloody Doors off!"

[Monkeys Fist 43229]

So, I was in a Roman maths quiz last night and was absolutely romping it, when, on the last question, I totally forgot how to write 1, 1000, 51, 6 and 500 in Roman numerals. 

I’m Livid. 

 

[Howmanheyman 33953]

Read this thread and if you don't laugh you're dead from the neck up....

 

 

Edited May 4, 2018 by Howmanheyman

[adios 717]

 

[Gemmill 46195]

Tremendous 

[adios 717]

  

[Monkeys Fist 43229]

Outstanding 

[adios 717]

 

[SpaceCadet 5]

Capitalism, Communism and Socialism all arrange to meet one night for a drink.

 

Capitalism and Communism arrive on time but Socialism is nowhere to be seen.

 

Eventually Socialism arrives out of breath and apologetic before explaining itself.

 

Socialism says - "Sorry guys, I'm late as I've spent all day in line waiting for a piece of bread."

 

Capitalism says - "What's a line?"

 

Communism says - "What's bread?"

 

 

 

 

[The Fish 10978]

This shit right here is why there aren't any good right wing comedians. 

[SpaceCadet 5]

Fuck off, there's Jim Da...

 

Nevermind. 

[adios 717]

Capitalism knows well what a line is and goes off to do one off the cistern.  

[adios 717]

Or should that be a key...

[Christmas Tree 4858]

 

 

[Monkeys Fist 43229]

Sorry mate, this isn’t your Mumsnet account. 

[Alex 35664]

[Dr Gloom 22197]

anyone heard about the restaurant on the moon?

great food, no atmosphere.

[Monkeys Fist 43229]

Get your coat. 

[Alex 35664]

3 minutes ago, Dr Gloom said:

anyone heard about the restaurant on the moon?

great food, no atmosphere.

Those Mars Bars are the same