if you heard a joke today, post it

[Alex 35664]

Tres bon

[Howmanheyman 33952]

On 29/03/2018 at 17:11, Monkeys Fist said:

Just spent hours convincing my mate Pascal, who’s a chef in Lyon, not to top himself. 

 

 

He’d lost the huile d’olive. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Happy Easter chaps. 

[Kid Dynamite 7192]

Heard the one about the footie manager who eats a loaf of bread on the sideline and then falls asleep?

 

Harry Breadnap

[adios 717]

He should be hirsute to top off that pun.

[tooner 243]

not seen a scouser this excited over one leg,

since Paul McCartney met Heather Mills

[adios 717]

A clown leads a small boy deep into the middle of a dark woods.  The little boy turns to the clown and says "I'm scared."

 

The clown responds, "You're scared? I have to walk back on my own!"

[Tdansmith 3259]

Mr Cadbury met Miss Rowntree on a Double Decker.
It was just After Eight.

They got off at Quality Street, and had a drink in Mars bar.

He asked her name. "Polo, I'm the one with the hole" 
She said with a Wispa.

"I'm Marathon , the one with the nuts" he replied.

He touched her Cream Eggs, which was a Kinder Surprise for her.

Then he slipped his hand into her Snickers, and tickled her Curly Wurly which made her Ripple.

He fondled her Jelly Babies and she liquorished his Tic Tacs.

Soon they were Heart Throbs.

It was a Fab moment as she screamed in Turkish Delight.

But three days later, his Sherbet Dib Dab started to itch.

Turns out Miss Rowntree had been with Bertie Bassett and he had Allsorts.

[Howmanheyman 33952]

There's a 13 year old in 1987 wanting their joke back.

[Meenzer 15742]

Marathon and Snickers? That's a red flag right there. No way any of this actually happened.

[adios 717]

49 minutes ago, Howmanheyman said:

There's a 13 year old in 1987 wanting their joke back.

Not much use for it in that shallow grave.   

[zerosum 234]

 

[Monkeys Fist 43228]

The calculator on my phone is broken. 

[Monkeys Fist 43228]

That’s it really. 

I have nothing to add. 

[The Fish 10978]

[Meenzer 15742]

[Alex 35664]

Get out! Now!

[Monkeys Fist 43228]

So I was telling my kleptomaniac mate some top notch puns, but he just wasn’t getting them.…

 

… which was when I realised he takes things, literally. 

[Monkeys Fist 43228]

Three blokes are walking through the woods when they find a lamp. One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. It booms 

"You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes." 

The first bloke immediately blurts out 

"I want a billion pounds ." 

POOF! he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact £1,000,000,003.50

The second man thinks for a bit, then says

 "I want to be the richest man alive." 

POOF! he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over £100 billion. 

The third chap thinks even longer about his wish, then says 

"I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." 

POOF! his arm starts rotating. 

The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish. First lad says: 

"I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." 

POOF! Salma Hayek wraps herself around his arm.

Second guy says 

"I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." 

POOF! his looks change and the Salma immediately starts flirting with him. 

Third lad says 

"I want my right arm to rotate anti-clockwise until I die." 

POOF! now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions. 

The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third and final wish. 

First one does, and after a while says

 "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die." 

POOF! his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him any more. 

Second bloke says

 "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever." POOF! he looks younger already. 

Third bloke smiles triumphantly and says 

"My last wish is for my head to constantly nod back and forth." 

POOF! he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around. 

The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways. 

Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going. First man is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever.Salma is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years." 

Second man smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your Salma is pretty wild in bed." 

Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says: 

"Guys, I think I fucked up."

[Alex 35664]

[The Fish 10978]

 Christ alive was that Methuselah's favourite joke?

[Monkeys Fist 43228]

Crikey, how long ago did he tell it?

[The Fish 10978]

 

Did nobody get it? the photo had a filter that made it look dead old... I thought it was obvious.

[Alex 35664]

I thought everyone got it. Not everyone laughed though

[The Fish 10978]

I'm ok with that, my humour has a built in quality-of-audience filter.

[Howmanheyman 33952]

Bloke walks in the bar with a flamingo and a cat and orders a pint. Flamingo pipes up, "make that two, squire". Cat then adds, " make it three, chief. Put it on their bill." This goes on all night and they're pretty well served at the end of the evening before the cat says he's off for a piss and the flamingo says "me too!" Barman waits for them to fuck off to the bog before asking the bloke what the craic was? Bloke says, "I found an old lamp, gave it a rub and fuck me, a genie comes out and grants me one wish!" Barman says, "what did you ask for, mate?" Bloke looks miserable and says, "I wished I could have a bird with long legs and a tight pussy."