wykikitoon 20652 Posted December 15, 2010 Share Posted December 15, 2010 What have Sam Allardyce and Ashley Peacock got in common? Neither will be attending the rovers christmas party. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wykikitoon 20652 Posted December 15, 2010 Share Posted December 15, 2010 ‘I said to the gym instructor “Can you teach me to do the splits?” He said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t make Tuesdays”. CT, Berb has taken over your PC man! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Christmas Tree 4808 Posted December 15, 2010 Share Posted December 15, 2010 A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Christmas Tree 4808 Posted December 15, 2010 Share Posted December 15, 2010 I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn't find any. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Christmas Tree 4808 Posted December 15, 2010 Share Posted December 15, 2010 And my favourite.... I went to the butchers the other day and I bet him 50 quid that he couldn't reach the meat off the top shelf. He said, "No, the steaks are too high." :lol: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Christmas Tree 4808 Posted December 15, 2010 Share Posted December 15, 2010 ‘I said to the gym instructor “Can you teach me to do the splits?” He said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t make Tuesdays”. CT, Berb has taken over your PC man! Ok then... Knock knock. Who's there? Dave. Dave who? Dave holds back tears as he realizes his mother's Alzheimers is getting worse. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Mac-Toon 1 Posted December 15, 2010 Share Posted December 15, 2010 I hate people who say, 'He's a nice lad once you get to know him'. They might as well just say 'He's a dickhead, but you'll get used to it' 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wykikitoon 20652 Posted December 15, 2010 Share Posted December 15, 2010 ‘I said to the gym instructor “Can you teach me to do the splits?” He said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t make Tuesdays”. CT, Berb has taken over your PC man! Ok then... Knock knock. Who's there? Dave. Dave who? Dave holds back tears as he realizes his mother's Alzheimers is getting worse. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Welsh Magpie 0 Posted December 15, 2010 Share Posted December 15, 2010 i see a few tommy cooper jokes so i will add one.... A man walked into the doctor's, The doctor said 'I haven't seen you in a long time' The man replied, 'I know I've been ill'. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Fish 10962 Posted December 15, 2010 Share Posted December 15, 2010 most of CT's are Tim Vine classics Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ChezGiven 0 Posted December 15, 2010 Share Posted December 15, 2010 A guy walks into the psychiatrist wearing only Clingfilm for shorts. The shrink says, "Well, I can clearly see you're nuts." 'Waiter, can you clear this table?' 'Not in these trousers' Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Howmanheyman 33783 Posted December 16, 2010 Share Posted December 16, 2010 Peter decided to invite his mother for tea as a thank you for helping him out financially when he bought his new flat and decorated it. Peter's mam notices that Peter's flatmate, Joe, is a very handsome lad if a little camp, there has been times when Peter's mam has raised a few psuedo-innocent questions about when she is going to be a Granny but Peter usually changes the subject and she lets it slide. Joe is his flatmate, " a Canny lad", says Peter, a little too forcefully when his mother gently enquires about the "handsome boy". A week passes since Peter's Mam visited the flat for her tea and her gentle questioning of her sons suspect sexuality. Joe says to Peter, "Ever since your Mam came to tea I can't find the frying pan anywhere!" Peter e-mails his dearest Mother; "Mam, I know it seems a bit daft, but ever since you came to tea we just can't find the frying pan anywhere!" "I'm not saying you DID take it and I'm not saying you DID NOT take it, I'm just a bit puzzled to where it could have got to." "Love, Peter." Peter's Mother replies to his e-mail the next day; "Peter, I'm not saying you DO sleep with Joe, I'm not saying you DO NOT sleep with Joe, but if he was sleeping in his own bed he'd have found the fucking frying pan by now. Love, Mam" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr Gloom 22128 Posted December 16, 2010 Author Share Posted December 16, 2010 I knew a man who poisoned his wife with a pair of scissors. He gave her arsenic. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monkeys Fist 43023 Posted December 16, 2010 Share Posted December 16, 2010 What's the difference between erotic and kinky? Erotic = using a feather Kinky = using the whole chicken Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kid Dynamite 7161 Posted December 16, 2010 Share Posted December 16, 2010 Whats 3 inches long and goes in one direction? Louis Walsh's cock Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monkeys Fist 43023 Posted December 16, 2010 Share Posted December 16, 2010 A man is driving happily along when he is pulled over by the police. The copper approaches him and politely asks, "Have you been drinking, sir?" "Why?" snorts the man. "Is there a fat bird in my car?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shackbleep 0 Posted December 17, 2010 Share Posted December 17, 2010 Whats 3 inches long and goes in one direction? Louis Walsh's cock It's grown an inch in 24 posts! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
shackbleep 0 Posted December 17, 2010 Share Posted December 17, 2010 For shits and giggles fill some figs with nitrous oxide Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kid Dynamite 7161 Posted December 17, 2010 Share Posted December 17, 2010 Whats 3 inches long and goes in one direction? Louis Walsh's cock It's grown an inch in 24 posts! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bobbyshinton 59 Posted December 17, 2010 Share Posted December 17, 2010 Oh my god how far have declined? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
bobbyshinton 59 Posted December 17, 2010 Share Posted December 17, 2010 sorry speaking Apache Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MrBass 2705 Posted December 17, 2010 Share Posted December 17, 2010 One Christmas Eve, a frenzied young man ran into a pet shop looking for an unusual Christmas gift for his wife. The shop owner suggested a parrot, named Chet, which could sing famous Christmas carols. This seemed like the perfect gift. "How do I get him to sing?" The young man asked, excitedly. "Simply hold a lighted match directly under his feet." was the shop owner's reply. The shop owner then held a lighted match under the parrot's left foot to demonstrate this and Chet began to sing. "Jingle Bells! Jingle Bells!..." The shop owner then held another match under the parrot's right foot and Chet's tune changed and the air was filled with, "Silent Night, Holy Night..." The young man was so impressed that he immediately paid the shop-keeper and ran home as quickly as he could with Chet under his arm. When the wife saw her gift she was overwhelmed. "How beautiful!" She exclaimed, "Can he talk?" "No," the young man replied, "But he can sing. Let me show you." So the young man whipped out his lighter and placed it under Chet's left foot just as the shop-keeper had shown him, "Jingle Bells! Jingle bells!...", crooned Chet The man then moved the lighter to Chet's right foot and out came: "Silent Night, Holy night..." The wife, her face filled with curiosity, then asked, "What if we hold the lighter between his legs?" "I don’t know", he said. "Let's try it." So they held the lighter between Chet's legs… Chet twisted his face, cleared his throat, and then sang out loudly like it was the performance of his life, "Chet's nuts roasting on an open fire...." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest alex Posted December 17, 2010 Share Posted December 17, 2010 Dad joke. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr Kenneth Noisewater 0 Posted December 17, 2010 Share Posted December 17, 2010 Woman goes into a pet shop and sees a gorgeous parrot, only £20. The shopkeeper explains it's cheap because the parrot used to live in a brothel, and its language might be fruitier than most. But it's so beautiful that the woman buys it anyway. She takes it home, and puts it in the front room. 'New premises,' squawks the parrot. 'Nice.' The woman's two daughters walk in. 'New girls, too' says the parrot. 'Very nice!' Then her husband arrives. 'Hello, Keith,' says the parrot. (Barry Cryer joke) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Papa Lazaru 0 Posted December 17, 2010 Share Posted December 17, 2010 Whats 4 inches long and goes in one direction? Louis Walsh's cock Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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