if you heard a joke today, post it

[Dr Gloom 23890]

i'll get things going...

 

i was in a car accident today i hit the motor in front of me. a dwarf got out and said "i'm not happy" i said "so which one are you"

[LeazesMag 0]

just ordered a chinese. The chinese delivery guy turned up at my door and said "£20 please". I smiled and said "can you tell me the name of Jordan's son?" He said "harfey price". I replied "cheers ting tong, here's a tenner now fuck off"

[Toonraider 0]

As I walked into my local shop the other day, some bloke attacked me with some milk, cheese, yogurt and cream.. I thought 'How Dairy?'

[manc-mag 1]

  Toonraider said:

As I walked into my local shop the other day, some bloke attacked me with some milk, cheese, yogurt and cream.. I thought 'How Dairy?'

 

 

Class.

[Dr Gloom 23890]

a woman checking herself out in the bedroom mirror says to her husband:

 

"i'm fat, my tits are droopy and i'm covered in cellulite. pay me a compliment will you?"

 

the husband replies

 

"well your eyesight is fucking brilliant!"

[Toonraider 0]

  manc-mag said:

  Toonraider said:

As I walked into my local shop the other day, some bloke attacked me with some milk, cheese, yogurt and cream.. I thought 'How Dairy?'

 

 

Class.

 

Courtesy of a friend on FB who normally posts a joke each day, it did make me chuckle

 

Whats up anyway Dr, feeling especially gloomy today?

[Toonraider 0]

When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults

 

Q. A blonde had used up all of her sick days so what did she do?

A. She called in dead.

Edited November 19, 2010 by Toonraider

[Dr Gloom 23890]

  Toonraider said:

  manc-mag said:

  Toonraider said:

As I walked into my local shop the other day, some bloke attacked me with some milk, cheese, yogurt and cream.. I thought 'How Dairy?'

 

 

Class.

 

Courtesy of a friend on FB who normally posts a joke each day, it did make me chuckle

 

Whats up anyway Dr, feeling especially gloomy today?

 

nah; it's friday baby! nowt to be gloomy about (until the bolton result comes in or i'm forced to sit through x factor by the wife)

[RobH 0]

Velcro, what a rip off.

[Toonraider 0]

Two fonts walk into a bar. The barman says to them, "Get out. We don't serve your type in here

 

What is a water otter?

A kettle

 

Postman: Is this letter for you? The name is smudged.

Man: No, it can't be for me, my name is Smith

 

After a car crash one of the drivers is lying injured at the side of the road. 'Don't worry,' said a policeman, a Red Cross nurse is coming to attend to you.'

Oh no,' groaned the victim, 'couldn't I have a blonde, cheerful one?

 

I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather, not screaming and yelling like the passengers in his car

 

There was once a small snail who always dreamed of becoming a race-car driver. One day he heard that an uncle of his had died and left him some money! Now his dream could be realized! He bought himself a car, souped it up, and then painted a large red "S" on it. When he was at his first race, a friend of his asked him why he had painted the big red "S" on the car? Simple, the snail replied when people see my car go zooming down the, track I want them all to exclaim: Oh look!! See the S car go!!!!!!!!!!!!

 

Wife: What do you mean coming home half drunk at this time of night?

Husband: It's not my fault - I ran out of money

[shackbleep 0]

  LeazesMag said:

just ordered a chinese. The chinese delivery guy turned up at my door and said "£20 please". I smiled and said "can you tell me the name of Jordan's son?" He said "harfey price". I replied "cheers ting tong, here's a tenner now fuck off"

 

Keep up man...

 

http://www.toontastic.net/board/index.php?...st&p=805185

[PaddockLad 19265]

Prince Harry is fuming about the upcoming royal wedding.....apparently it's family only

[Dr Kenneth Noisewater 0]

Just hired an eastern european cleaner. Took her five hours to hoover the house.

 

Turns out she was a Slovak.

[Toonraider 0]

Walking along the pavement, I got sprayed by a snow plough. "Bastard" I said, through gritted teeth

[Gemmill 50938]

How does Good King Wenceslas like his pizzas?

 

Deep pan, crisp and even.

[Gemmill 50938]

What's two inches long and goes in one direction?

 

Louis Walsh's cock.

[Tooj 17]

A man walks into a bar - the barman says "why the long face?"

 

And the man replies "I am severely deformed."

[Monroe Transfer 0]

  Toonraider said:

Walking along the pavement, I got sprayed by a snow plough. "Bastard" I said, through gritted teeth

Weeping Jesus Henry Christ on a bike, that is truly up there with the worst.

[Monkeys Fist 45739]

BBC News: 'Many Gangs Are Using Pitbulls Rather Than Knives'.

Eurgh, how hairy must their toast be?

[Monkeys Fist 45739]

Vincent van Gogh is having a pint.

Gaugin comes in and says,

" Alright Vinny, fancy a beer"

 

Van Gogh-" No thanks, I've got one 'ere"

[Toonraider 0]

  Tecato said:

  Toonraider said:

Walking along the pavement, I got sprayed by a snow plough. "Bastard" I said, through gritted teeth

Weeping Jesus Henry Christ on a bike, that is truly up there with the worst.

 

Im merely doing what the thread title says!

 

But I thought it was good....even though it was posted on my FB by a mackem

[Welsh Magpie 0]

Apparently, if you put your location as Newcastle on facebook, you get a 'like' button after every word.

 

:-/

[wykikitoon 23276]

  Toonraider said:

Walking along the pavement, I got sprayed by a snow plough. "Bastard" I said, through gritted teeth

 

GOLD

[Mac-Toon 1]

What have Sam Allardyce and Ashley Peacock got in common?

 

Neither will be attending the rovers christmas party.

[Christmas Tree 5194]

‘I said to the gym instructor “Can you teach me to do the splits?” He said, “How flexible are you?” I said, “I can’t make Tuesdays”.