if you heard a joke today, post it

[Dougle 3816]

1 hour ago, Gemmill said:

I ask cos our cat had worms recently. She's an outdoor cat who absolutely wrecks the local mouse community. Sometimes I come down in the morning and there's just a mouse head left. 

 

Two dead ones this morning. 

 

Anyway she's on regular dewormer now, the filthy bitch. 

 

Aye, grew up on a farm and all our cats back then were always getting worms cos of the various mice, rats, rabbits (even a bloody hare once) and god knows what else they caught.

It was usually round worms which was horrible enough, but one poor bugger hoyed a fairly large tapeworm up, it was still moving about.

Traumatised to this day.

[Gemmill 52163]

8 minutes ago, Dougle said:

 

Aye, grew up on a farm and all our cats back then were always getting worms cos of the various mice, rats, rabbits (even a bloody hare once) and god knows what else they caught.

 

It was usually round worms which was horrible enough, but one poor bugger hoyed a fairly large tapeworm up, it was still moving about.

 

Traumatised to this day.

 

 

I discovered the cat had worms cos one was hanging out of her arsehole, wiggling about.

 

[Dougle 3816]

1 hour ago, Gemmill said:

 

I discovered the cat had worms cos one was hanging out of her arsehole, wiggling about.

 

 

The tapeworms are the worst, built by little segments and apparently if one segment is left in the gut it generates a new worm.

Stuff of nightmares.

[strawb 4728]

Cats are fucking rank. Wish I could force the owners of cunts who leave dead wildlife or shite in our garden to come and pick it up.

 

Horrid, mangy things. 

[Craig 7296]

I got a job in a factory that makes Dracula figurines. 

 

There’s only two of us on that line, so I have to make every second count.

[Sonatine 12255]

[Dazzler 12586]

44 minutes ago, Craig said:

I got a job in a factory that makes Dracula figurines. 

 

There’s only two of us on that line, so I have to make every second count.

This sucks…..I’ll see myself out.

[Howmanheyman 37760]

4 hours ago, Craig said:

I got a job in a factory that makes Dracula figurines. 

 

There’s only two of us on that line, so I have to make every second count.

 

See the union, Craig, there should be more than two of you, it's not right or safe.

[RobinRobin 12863]

10 hours ago, Craig said:

I got a job in a factory that makes Dracula figurines. 

 

There’s only two of us on that line, so I have to make every second count.

[Toonpack 12060]

15 hours ago, Craig said:

I got a job in a factory that makes Dracula figurines. 

 

There’s only two of us on that line, so I have to make every second count.

 There could be a lot at stake here.

[Monkeys Fist 46192]

11 hours ago, Howmanheyman said:

 

See the union, Craig, there should be more than two of you, it's not right or safe.

Aye- basic practice that mind.
Their Elf and Safety bloke should be getting it in the neck…

[RobinRobin 12863]

2 hours ago, Monkeys Fist said:

Aye- basic practice that mind.
Their Elf and Safety bloke should be getting it in the neck…

[Toonpack 12060]

[Toonpack 12060]

Rabbit goes into a Deli:

 

Server “what can I get you?”

 

Rabbit “I’ll have a Red Leicester and lettuce toastie, a Danish Blue and Cabbage Toastie and a Cheddar and Onion Toastie”

 

Server “that’s a weird selection”

 

Rabbit “I can’t help myself, I’ve got mixin ma toasties”

[Howmanheyman 37760]

1 hour ago, Toonpack said:

Rabbit goes into a Deli:

 

Server “what can I get you?”

 

Rabbit “I’ll have a Red Leicester and lettuce toastie, a Danish Blue and Cabbage Toastie and a Cheddar and Onion Toastie”

 

Server “that’s a weird selection”

 

Rabbit “I can’t help myself, I’ve got mixin ma toasties”

 

I thought he would've preferred lettuce? Just goes to show the wide and varied diet of wildlife that somehow finds a way to sustain itself.

[Sonatine 12255]

2 hours ago, Toonpack said:

Rabbit goes into a Deli:

 

Server “what can I get you?”

 

Rabbit “I’ll have a Red Leicester and lettuce toastie, a Danish Blue and Cabbage Toastie and a Cheddar and Onion Toastie”

 

Server “that’s a weird selection”

 

Rabbit “I can’t help myself, I’ve got mixin ma toasties”

[NJS 4696]

2 hours ago, Toonpack said:

Rabbit goes into a Deli:

 

Server “what can I get you?”

 

Rabbit “I’ll have a Red Leicester and lettuce toastie, a Danish Blue and Cabbage Toastie and a Cheddar and Onion Toastie”

 

Server “that’s a weird selection”

 

Rabbit “I can’t help myself, I’ve got mixin ma toasties”

I read that as "Rabbi" and when I got to the end thought "Isn't that a joke about a rabbit? "

 

 

[Howmanheyman 37760]

32 minutes ago, NJS said:

I read that as "Rabbi" and when I got to the end thought "Isn't that a joke about a rabbit? "

 

 

 

FHP

 

3 hours ago, Toonpack said:

Rabbi goes into a Deli:

 

Server “what can I get you?”

 

Rabbi: "Oy! Vey!"

 

Server “What a stereotypical ending."

 

Rabbi “I can’t help myself, I’ve got myself mixed up in a toonpack joke.”

 

 

[RobinRobin 12863]

12 hours ago, Toonpack said:

Rabbit goes into a Deli:

 

Server “what can I get you?”

 

Rabbit “I’ll have a Red Leicester and lettuce toastie, a Danish Blue and Cabbage Toastie and a Cheddar and Onion Toastie”

 

Server “that’s a weird selection”

 

Rabbit “I can’t help myself, I’ve got mixin ma toasties”

[Meenzer 16761]

https://bsky.app/profile/oregonthedm.bsky.social/post/3lmeenfu6r22x

[PaddockLad 19539]

19 hours ago, Toonpack said:

Rabbit goes into a Deli:

 

Server “what can I get you?”

 

Rabbit “I’ll have a Red Leicester and lettuce toastie, a Danish Blue and Cabbage Toastie and a Cheddar and Onion Toastie”

 

Server “that’s a weird selection”

 

Rabbit “I can’t help myself, I’ve got mixin ma toasties”

Not going to lie, I heard that joke 45 years ago. A girl called Alison Jackson told me it ☺️

[Howmanheyman 37760]

2 hours ago, PaddockLad said:

Not going to lie, I heard that joke 45 years ago. A girl called Alison Jackson told me it ☺️

 

 

PL's for reeall. 🎶

[wykikitoon 23685]

My cousin went to the City Baths at the weekend and saw this canny boiler smiling at him..  So he goes over to her and says;

'Alreet Pet, are ye flirtin?'

'Nah Pet, I'm on me tiptoes'

 

[Alex 37669]

1 hour ago, wykikitoon said:

My cousin went to the City Baths at the weekend and saw this canny boiler smiling at him..  So he goes over to her and says;

'Alreet Pet, are ye flirtin?'

'Nah Pet, I'm on me tiptoes'

 

That’s older than me. Probably older than me dad  

[Craig 7296]

29 minutes ago, Alex said:

That’s older than me. Probably older than me dad  

Probably the first time in your life where Wykiki has posted without using the word 'cunt'.