if you heard a joke today, post it

[Tdansmith 3260]

A farmer went to a local bar and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman sitting next to him said, ‘How about that?
I just ordered champagne, too!’
‘What a coincidence’ the farmer said.
‘This is a special day for me.
I am celebrating.’
This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,’ said the woman.’
‘What a coincidence!’ said the farmer.
As they clinked glasses he added: ‘What are you celebrating?’
‘My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!’
‘What a coincidence!’ said the man.
‘I’m a chicken farmer and all last year my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying eggs again.’
‘That’s great!’ said the woman, ‘How did your chickens become fertile?’
‘I used a different cock he replied.
The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said ‘what a coincidence’!

[wykikitoon 23339]

  On 24/05/2024 at 09:49, Tdansmith said:

A farmer went to a local bar and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman sitting next to him said, ‘How about that?
I just ordered champagne, too!’
‘What a coincidence’ the farmer said.
‘This is a special day for me.
I am celebrating.’
This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,’ said the woman.’
‘What a coincidence!’ said the farmer.
As they clinked glasses he added: ‘What are you celebrating?’
‘My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!’
‘What a coincidence!’ said the man.
‘I’m a chicken farmer and all last year my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying eggs again.’
‘That’s great!’ said the woman, ‘How did your chickens become fertile?’
‘I used a different cock he replied.
The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said ‘what a coincidence’!

Expand  

[The Fish 11347]

  On 24/05/2024 at 09:49, Tdansmith said:

A farmer went to a local bar and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman sitting next to him said, ‘How about that?
I just ordered champagne, too!’
‘What a coincidence’ the farmer said.
‘This is a special day for me.
I am celebrating.’
This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,’ said the woman.’
‘What a coincidence!’ said the farmer.
As they clinked glasses he added: ‘What are you celebrating?’
‘My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!’
‘What a coincidence!’ said the man.
‘I’m a chicken farmer and all last year my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying eggs again.’
‘That’s great!’ said the woman, ‘How did your chickens become fertile?’
‘I used a different cock he replied.
The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said ‘what a coincidence’!

Expand  

[Dazzler 12193]

  On 24/05/2024 at 09:49, Tdansmith said:

A farmer went to a local bar and ordered a glass of champagne.
The woman sitting next to him said, ‘How about that?
I just ordered champagne, too!’
‘What a coincidence’ the farmer said.
‘This is a special day for me.
I am celebrating.’
This is a special day for me too, I am also celebrating,’ said the woman.’
‘What a coincidence!’ said the farmer.
As they clinked glasses he added: ‘What are you celebrating?’
‘My husband and I have been trying to have a child and today my gynecologist told me that I am pregnant!’
‘What a coincidence!’ said the man.
‘I’m a chicken farmer and all last year my hens were infertile, but today they are all laying eggs again.’
‘That’s great!’ said the woman, ‘How did your chickens become fertile?’
‘I used a different cock he replied.
The woman smiled, clinked his glass and said ‘what a coincidence’!

Expand  

[Dr Gloom 23962]

  On 21/05/2024 at 21:01, Monkeys Fist said:

A new trattoria has opened near me, run by an Italian American lad from New York. 
 

We went the other night and it was excellent,  but the portions were mental and we couldn’t finish even half of our dishes. 
The gaffer, Mario, asked

” Ho- you wanna box for them leftovers?”

I said

” No mate, I don’t do combat sports”. 

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[Tdansmith 3260]

A blind guy walks into a bar. He tells the bartender “I heard the best blonde joke today. Here it goes…”

The bartender says, “Sir, I’m gonna stop you real quick and let you know that the two gentlemen sitting next to you are combat veterans and they’re both blonde. The owner of this bar is sitting at a table behind you with his wife, and they’re both blonde. My girlfriend is sitting on the other side of you - she’s blonde. And I am blonde too. Now, do you still want to tell that joke?”

Blind guy says, “Nah, not if I’m going to have to explain it 6 times.”

[Sonatine 12085]

[Howmanheyman 37173]

  On 26/05/2024 at 14:35, Tdansmith said:

A blind guy walks into a bar. He tells the bartender “I heard the best blonde joke today. Here it goes…”

The bartender says, “Sir, I’m gonna stop you real quick and let you know that the two gentlemen sitting next to you are combat veterans and they’re both blonde. The owner of this bar is sitting at a table behind you with his wife, and they’re both blonde. My girlfriend is sitting on the other side of you - she’s blonde. And I am blonde too. Now, do you still want to tell that joke?”

Blind guy says, “Nah, not if I’m going to have to explain it 6 times.”

Expand  

 

[wykikitoon 23339]

  On 26/05/2024 at 14:35, Tdansmith said:

A blind guy walks into a bar. He tells the bartender “I heard the best blonde joke today. Here it goes…”

The bartender says, “Sir, I’m gonna stop you real quick and let you know that the two gentlemen sitting next to you are combat veterans and they’re both blonde. The owner of this bar is sitting at a table behind you with his wife, and they’re both blonde. My girlfriend is sitting on the other side of you - she’s blonde. And I am blonde too. Now, do you still want to tell that joke?”

Blind guy says, “Nah, not if I’m going to have to explain it 6 times.”

Expand  

[Dazzler 12193]

  On 26/05/2024 at 14:35, Tdansmith said:

A blind guy walks into a bar. He tells the bartender “I heard the best blonde joke today. Here it goes…”

The bartender says, “Sir, I’m gonna stop you real quick and let you know that the two gentlemen sitting next to you are combat veterans and they’re both blonde. The owner of this bar is sitting at a table behind you with his wife, and they’re both blonde. My girlfriend is sitting on the other side of you - she’s blonde. And I am blonde too. Now, do you still want to tell that joke?”

Blind guy says, “Nah, not if I’m going to have to explain it 6 times.”

Expand  

[Tdansmith 3260]

Just received a text and I'm wondering if it's a scam?

I have won £100 or 2 tickets to an Elvis tribute concert.

Says, press 1 for the money or 2 for the show.

[PaddockLad 19339]

  On 26/05/2024 at 14:35, Tdansmith said:

A blind guy walks into a bar. He tells the bartender “I heard the best blonde joke today. Here it goes…”

The bartender says, “Sir, I’m gonna stop you real quick and let you know that the two gentlemen sitting next to you are combat veterans and they’re both blonde. The owner of this bar is sitting at a table behind you with his wife, and they’re both blonde. My girlfriend is sitting on the other side of you - she’s blonde. And I am blonde too. Now, do you still want to tell that joke?”

Blind guy says, “Nah, not if I’m going to have to explain it 6 times.”

Expand  

 

  On 26/05/2024 at 19:45, Tdansmith said:

Just received a text and I'm wondering if it's a scam?

I have won £100 or 2 tickets to an Elvis tribute concert.

Says, press 1 for the money or 2 for the show.

Expand  

[Tdansmith 3260]

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession.
When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said: "Father. During World War II, a beautiful woman from our neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic.
The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that."
"There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with certain favours. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."
The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."
"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question."
"And what is that?" asked the priest.
"Should I tell her the war is over?'

[Monkeys Fist 45838]

  On 26/05/2024 at 14:35, Tdansmith said:

A blind guy walks into a bar. He tells the bartender “I heard the best blonde joke today. Here it goes…”

The bartender says, “Sir, I’m gonna stop you real quick and let you know that the two gentlemen sitting next to you are combat veterans and they’re both blonde. The owner of this bar is sitting at a table behind you with his wife, and they’re both blonde. My girlfriend is sitting on the other side of you - she’s blonde. And I am blonde too. Now, do you still want to tell that joke?”

Blind guy says, “Nah, not if I’m going to have to explain it 6 times.”

Expand  

 

  On 26/05/2024 at 19:45, Tdansmith said:

Just received a text and I'm wondering if it's a scam?

I have won £100 or 2 tickets to an Elvis tribute concert.

Says, press 1 for the money or 2 for the show.

Expand  

 

  On 26/05/2024 at 19:51, Tdansmith said:

An elderly Italian man who lived on the outskirts of Rimini, Italy, went to the local church for confession.
When the priest slid open the panel in the confessional, the man said: "Father. During World War II, a beautiful woman from our neighbourhood knocked urgently on my door and asked me to hide her from the Nazis. So I hid her in my attic.
The priest replied: "That was a wonderful thing you did, and you have no need to confess that."
"There is more to tell, Father. She started to repay me with certain favours. This happened several times a week, and sometimes twice on Sundays."
The priest said, "That was a long time ago and by doing what you did, you placed the two of you in great danger, but two people under those circumstances can easily succumb to the weakness of the flesh. However, if you are truly sorry for your actions, you are indeed forgiven."
"Thank you, Father. That's a great load off my mind. I do have one more question."
"And what is that?" asked the priest.
"Should I tell her the war is over?'

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[Wardi 280]

True Story.. many years ago I was in a bar where they were holding an Elvis impersonator contest.  One of the contestants did look remarkably like Elvis  but only had one leg.

 

He announced his signature song as 'Blue Suede Shoe'.

[Tdansmith 3260]

"Beware Of Dandelions?

That's a stupid sign," I said, climbing over the fence.

Soon after I was mauled by four big cats wearing top hats and monocles

[Guest MrRaspberryJam]

Anyone got any decent jokes?

[Kevin Carr's Gloves 4296]

  On 26/05/2024 at 20:36, MrRaspberryJam said:

Anyone got any decent jokes?

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Doesn’t look like it.

[Sharp 50]

I met a woman who runs a battery kiosk in the local park.
So basically she sells C cells by the seesaw.

[RobinRobin 12674]

  On 26/05/2024 at 23:23, Sharp said:

I met a woman who runs a battery kiosk in the local park.
So basically she sells C cells by the seesaw.

Expand  

[RobinRobin 12674]

  On 26/05/2024 at 19:45, Tdansmith said:

Just received a text and I'm wondering if it's a scam?

I have won £100 or 2 tickets to an Elvis tribute concert.

Says, press 1 for the money or 2 for the show.

Expand  

[RobinRobin 12674]

  On 26/05/2024 at 20:10, Tdansmith said:

"Beware Of Dandelions?

That's a stupid sign," I said, climbing over the fence.

Soon after I was mauled by four big cats wearing top hats and monocles

Expand  

[Sonatine 12085]

  On 26/05/2024 at 19:45, Tdansmith said:

Just received a text and I'm wondering if it's a scam?

I have won £100 or 2 tickets to an Elvis tribute concert.

Says, press 1 for the money or 2 for the show.

Expand  

[Monkeys Fist 45838]

What was Whitney Houston’s favourite kind of coordination? 
 

 

Haaaaaaaaand Eyyyyyyyyyyyye! 
 

 

 

 

 

Thank you , and…

 

[Wardi 280]

The rock artist Sting was seen entering a den of iniquity in the Amsterdam Red light district this weekend.

 

It was later reported that he was having a massage in a brothel.