if you heard a joke today, post it

[Dr Gloom 23963]

30 minutes ago, Monkeys Fist said:

I’d drink a glass of milk every night before bed, but I’d get these weird nightmares where I had no feet and was stuck in a nest of giant, social insects ( like termites). 
 

Turns out I had Lack Toes n’ Taller Ants.  

 

[Dr Gloom 23963]

I went to shops the other day. They were charging £10 per strip of Velcro 

 

What a rip off 

[Howmanheyman 37176]

2 hours ago, Dr Gloom said:

I went to shops the other day. They were charging £10 per strip of Velcro 

 

What a rip off 

 

[ewerk 33655]

2 hours ago, Dr Gloom said:

I went to shops the other day. They were charging £10 per strip of Velcro 

 

What a rip off 

£10? I’d have tore a strip off them.

[Meenzer 16623]

3 hours ago, Dr Gloom said:

I went to shops the other day. They were charging £10 per strip of Velcro 

 

What affix

[Tdansmith 3260]

4 hours ago, Dr Gloom said:

I went to shops the other day. They were charging £10 per strip of Velcro 

 

What a rip off 

 The inventor of Velcro died today.

RIP

[Sonatine 12089]

[Tdansmith 3260]

My dog swallowed a load of Scrabble tiles last night so I took him to the vet.

No word yet.

[Dr Gloom 23963]

16 minutes ago, Tdansmith said:

My dog swallowed a load of Scrabble tiles last night so I took him to the vet.

No word yet.

[Holden McGroin 7771]

19 minutes ago, Tdansmith said:

My dog swallowed a load of Scrabble tiles last night so I took him to the vet.

No word yet.

[Sonatine 12089]

28 minutes ago, Tdansmith said:

My dog swallowed a load of Scrabble tiles last night so I took him to the vet.

No word yet.

[Gemmill 51245]

50 minutes ago, Tdansmith said:

My dog swallowed a load of Scrabble tiles last night so I took him to the vet.

No word yet.

 

[Dazzler 12197]

1 hour ago, Tdansmith said:

My dog swallowed a load of Scrabble tiles last night so I took him to the vet.

No word yet.

[ewerk 33655]

This is a story to inspire you to reach for your dreams and never ever give up...

 

A few years ago my mate's missus came a close second in the Miss Newcastle  2019 competition.

 

Later that year she was beset by a long period of bad luck.

 

She suffered years of drug and alcohol abuse and a series of eating disorders.

 

She lost a leg and needed facial reconstruction surgery after a road traffic accident.

 

Later, she suffered 90% burns in a factory fire.

 

Several of her teeth were knocked out and an eye gouged in a fight outside a KFC Take Away.

 

The stress caused severe hair loss and facial warts, but she never stopped believing.

 

And then finally, last month...

 

She was crowned Miss Sunderland  2024.

[Dazzler 12197]

1 minute ago, ewerk said:

This is a story to inspire you to reach for your dreams and never ever give up...

 

A few years ago my mate's missus came a close second in the Miss Newcastle  2019 competition.

 

Later that year she was beset by a long period of bad luck.

 

She suffered years of drug and alcohol abuse and a series of eating disorders.

 

She lost a leg and needed facial reconstruction surgery after a road traffic accident.

 

Later, she suffered 90% burns in a factory fire.

 

Several of her teeth were knocked out and an eye gouged in a fight outside a KFC Take Away.

 

The stress caused severe hair loss and facial warts, but she never stopped believing.

 

And then finally, last month...

 

She was crowned Miss Sunderland  2024.

[wykikitoon 23343]

1 hour ago, ewerk said:

This is a story to inspire you to reach for your dreams and never ever give up...

 

A few years ago my mate's missus came a close second in the Miss Newcastle  2019 competition.

 

Later that year she was beset by a long period of bad luck.

 

She suffered years of drug and alcohol abuse and a series of eating disorders.

 

She lost a leg and needed facial reconstruction surgery after a road traffic accident.

 

Later, she suffered 90% burns in a factory fire.

 

Several of her teeth were knocked out and an eye gouged in a fight outside a KFC Take Away.

 

The stress caused severe hair loss and facial warts, but she never stopped believing.

 

And then finally, last month...

 

She was crowned Miss Sunderland  2024.

[wykikitoon 23343]

A man and a women were trapped in a lift.  After about twenty minutes the bloke turned around to the women and said;

 

'Excuse me, can I smell your vagina?'

The women is shocked and disgusted, 'No you cant!'

 

'Must be your feet then' said the man.

[Dazzler 12197]

5 minutes ago, wykikitoon said:

A man and a women were trapped in a lift.  After about twenty minutes the bloke turned around to the women and said;

 

'Excuse me, can I smell your vagina?'

The women is shocked and disgusted, 'No you cant!'

 

'Must be your feet then' said the man.

[Tdansmith 3260]

1 hour ago, ewerk said:

This is a story to inspire you to reach for your dreams and never ever give up...

 

A few years ago my mate's missus came a close second in the Miss Newcastle  2019 competition.

 

Later that year she was beset by a long period of bad luck.

 

She suffered years of drug and alcohol abuse and a series of eating disorders.

 

She lost a leg and needed facial reconstruction surgery after a road traffic accident.

 

Later, she suffered 90% burns in a factory fire.

 

Several of her teeth were knocked out and an eye gouged in a fight outside a KFC Take Away.

 

The stress caused severe hair loss and facial warts, but she never stopped believing.

 

And then finally, last month...

 

She was crowned Miss Sunderland  2024.

[RobinRobin 12675]

1 hour ago, Tdansmith said:

2nd and 3rd?

[RobinRobin 12675]

1 hour ago, wykikitoon said:

A man and a women were trapped in a lift.  After about twenty minutes the bloke turned around to the women and said;

 

'Excuse me, can I smell your vagina?'

The women is shocked and disgusted, 'No you cant!'

 

'Must be your feet then' said the man.

[ewerk 33655]

5 minutes ago, RobinRobin said:

2nd and 3rd?

 

Miss Sunderland 2022 and 2023 right there.

[Sonatine 12089]

1 hour ago, wykikitoon said:

A man and a women were trapped in a lift.  After about twenty minutes the bloke turned around to the women and said;

 

'Excuse me, can I smell your vagina?'

The women is shocked and disgusted, 'No you cant!'

 

'Must be your feet then' said the man.

[Monkeys Fist 45838]

I was sitting on a bench having my bait the other when this old dear came and sat down with her chihuahua. 
 

It kept jumping up at my ankles, begging for some tasty morsels, so I turned to the old biddy and said 

“ Is it ok if I throw your wee dog a bit?”

” Of course, yes” she said. 
 

So picked the little rat up and chucked it in to the traffic. 

[Dazzler 12197]

26 minutes ago, Monkeys Fist said:

I was sitting on a bench having my bait the other when this old dear came and sat down with her chihuahua. 
 

It kept jumping up at my ankles, begging for some tasty morsels, so I turned to the old biddy and said 

“ Is it ok if I throw your wee dog a bit?”

” Of course, yes” she said. 
 

So picked the little rat up and chucked it in to the traffic.