if you heard a joke today, post it

[Gemmill 44971]

I just hope you copy and pasted that. Actually I don't, I hope you typed the lot out. 

[Monkeys Fist 42465]

There’s a whole minute of your life I’ve stolen. 

[Monkeys Fist 42465]

Boss just caught me having sex at work. 
 

“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING FIST?”

he said

” Sorry, they were just lying there looking all sexy, couldn’t help it” 

says I. 
“ ITS THE BLOODY AUTOPSY ROOM!”

 

 

 

 

 

Looks like my career as a vet is over. 

[Dazzler 9785]

1 hour ago, Monkeys Fist said:

Boss just caught me having sex at work. 
 

“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING FIST?”

he said

” Sorry, they were just lying there looking all sexy, couldn’t help it” 

says I. 
“ ITS THE BLOODY AUTOPSY ROOM!”

 

 

 

 

 

Looks like my career as a vet is over. 

[Tdansmith 3259]

4 hours ago, Monkeys Fist said:

Boss just caught me having sex at work. 
 

“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING FIST?”

he said

” Sorry, they were just lying there looking all sexy, couldn’t help it” 

says I. 
“ ITS THE BLOODY AUTOPSY ROOM!”

 

 

 

 

 

Looks like my career as a vet is over. 

 

[Dr Gloom 21959]

There is a fine line between a numerator and a denominator.

 

Only a fraction of people understand this.

[Monkeys Fist 42465]

27 minutes ago, Dr Gloom said:

Only a fraction of people understand this

It’s what divides us. 

[Sonatine 11404]

5 hours ago, Monkeys Fist said:

Boss just caught me having sex at work. 
 

“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING FIST?”

he said

” Sorry, they were just lying there looking all sexy, couldn’t help it” 

says I. 
“ ITS THE BLOODY AUTOPSY ROOM!”

 

 

 

 

 

Looks like my career as a vet is over. 

[aimaad22 4156]

12 hours ago, Monkeys Fist said:

So, this young shaver is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a suit, but there’s a long suit line at the shop and it takes forever.

 

Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.

 

Then he heads out to book a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done.

 

Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table. 

 

There’s no punchline.

 

 

 

 

[RobinRobin 11291]

15 hours ago, Monkeys Fist said:

So, this young shaver is getting ready to take his girlfriend to the prom. First he goes to rent a suit, but there’s a long suit line at the shop and it takes forever.

 

Next, he has to get some flowers, so he heads over to the florist and there’s a huge flower line there. He waits forever but eventually gets the flowers.

 

Then he heads out to book a limo. Unfortunately, there’s a large limo line at the rental office, but he’s patient and gets the job done.

 

Finally, the day of the prom comes. The two are dancing happily and his girlfriend is having a great time. When the song is over, she asks him to get her some punch, so he heads over to the punch table. 

 

There’s no punchline.

 

[RobinRobin 11291]

14 hours ago, Monkeys Fist said:

Boss just caught me having sex at work. 
 

“WHAT THE HELL ARE YOU DOING FIST?”

he said

” Sorry, they were just lying there looking all sexy, couldn’t help it” 

says I. 
“ ITS THE BLOODY AUTOPSY ROOM!”

 

 

 

 

 

Looks like my career as a vet is over. 

[Monkeys Fist 42465]

 

 

These three lads are walking along the beach when they find an old oil lamp in the sand. One of them picks it up, rubs it for a laugh , and, bugger me, out pops a Genie.

 

It says.
"You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."

 

The first lad,  Davey, immediately blurts out,

"I want a billion pounds."

 

POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact £1,000,000,000,003.50p

 

The second lad, Johnny, thinks for a bit, then says,

"I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over £300 billion.

 

The third lad, Mick, thinks even longer about his wish, then says,

"I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life."

 

POOF, his arm starts rotating.

 

The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish.
Davey says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth."

 

POOF, Salma Hayek wraps herself around his arm. ( the jammy twat). 

 

Johnny says, "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want."
POOF, his looks change, and Salma immediately starts flirting with him.

 

Mick says, "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die."
 

POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions.

 

The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish.

 

Davey, after a while, says, "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die."
 

POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone, and his knees don't bother him anymore.

 

Johnny says, "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever."

 

POOF, he looks younger already.

 

Mick smiles triumphantly and says, "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth."
 

POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around.

 

The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways.

 

Many years later, they meet again and chat about how things have been going.

 

Davey is ecstatic:

"I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife Salma is a freak in the sheets, and I've never had so much as a cold in all these years."

 

Johnny smiles and says, "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest cunt alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, Salma is pretty wild in bed."

 

Mick walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head.
 

 

 

 

 

 

"Lads, I think I fucked up."

[Sonatine 11404]

[Monkeys Fist 42465]

6 minutes ago, Sonatine said:

[Tdansmith 3259]

46 minutes ago, Monkeys Fist said:

 

 

These three lads are walking along the beach when they find an old oil lamp in the sand. One of them picks it up, rubs it for a laugh , and, bugger me, out pops a Genie.

 

It says.
"You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."

 

The first lad,  Davey, immediately blurts out,

"I want a billion pounds."

 

POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact £1,000,000,000,003.50p

 

The second lad, Johnny, thinks for a bit, then says,

"I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over £300 billion.

 

The third lad, Mick, thinks even longer about his wish, then says,

"I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life."

 

POOF, his arm starts rotating.

 

The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish.
Davey says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth."

 

POOF, Salma Hayek wraps herself around his arm. ( the jammy twat). 

 

Johnny says, "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want."
POOF, his looks change, and Salma immediately starts flirting with him.

 

Mick says, "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die."
 

POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions.

 

The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish.

 

Davey, after a while, says, "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die."
 

POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone, and his knees don't bother him anymore.

 

Johnny says, "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever."

 

POOF, he looks younger already.

 

Mick smiles triumphantly and says, "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth."
 

POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around.

 

The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways.

 

Many years later, they meet again and chat about how things have been going.

 

Davey is ecstatic:

"I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife Salma is a freak in the sheets, and I've never had so much as a cold in all these years."

 

Johnny smiles and says, "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest cunt alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, Salma is pretty wild in bed."

 

Mick walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head.
 

 

 

 

 

 

"Lads, I think I fucked up."

[ewerk 30647]

2 hours ago, Monkeys Fist said:

 

 

These three lads are walking along the beach when they find an old oil lamp in the sand. One of them picks it up, rubs it for a laugh , and, bugger me, out pops a Genie.

 

It says.
"You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."

 

The first lad,  Davey, immediately blurts out,

"I want a billion pounds."

 

POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact £1,000,000,000,003.50p

 

The second lad, Johnny, thinks for a bit, then says,

"I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over £300 billion.

 

The third lad, Mick, thinks even longer about his wish, then says,

"I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life."

 

POOF, his arm starts rotating.

 

The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish.
Davey says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth."

 

POOF, Salma Hayek wraps herself around his arm. ( the jammy twat). 

 

Johnny says, "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want."
POOF, his looks change, and Salma immediately starts flirting with him.

 

Mick says, "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die."
 

POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions.

 

The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish.

 

Davey, after a while, says, "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die."
 

POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone, and his knees don't bother him anymore.

 

Johnny says, "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever."

 

POOF, he looks younger already.

 

Mick smiles triumphantly and says, "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth."
 

POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around.

 

The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways.

 

Many years later, they meet again and chat about how things have been going.

 

Davey is ecstatic:

"I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife Salma is a freak in the sheets, and I've never had so much as a cold in all these years."

 

Johnny smiles and says, "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest cunt alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, Salma is pretty wild in bed."

 

Mick walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head.
 

 

 

 

 

 

"Lads, I think I fucked up."

[The Fish 10870]

3 hours ago, Monkeys Fist said:

 

 

These three lads are walking along the beach when they find an old oil lamp in the sand. One of them picks it up, rubs it for a laugh , and, bugger me, out pops a Genie.

 

It says.
"You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."

 

The first lad,  Davey, immediately blurts out,

"I want a billion pounds."

 

POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact £1,000,000,000,003.50p

 

The second lad, Johnny, thinks for a bit, then says,

"I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over £300 billion.

 

The third lad, Mick, thinks even longer about his wish, then says,

"I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life."

 

POOF, his arm starts rotating.

 

The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish.
Davey says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth."

 

POOF, Salma Hayek wraps herself around his arm. ( the jammy twat). 

 

Johnny says, "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want."
POOF, his looks change, and Salma immediately starts flirting with him.

 

Mick says, "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die."
 

POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions.

 

The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish.

 

Davey, after a while, says, "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die."
 

POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone, and his knees don't bother him anymore.

 

Johnny says, "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever."

 

POOF, he looks younger already.

 

Mick smiles triumphantly and says, "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth."
 

POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around.

 

The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways.

 

Many years later, they meet again and chat about how things have been going.

 

Davey is ecstatic:

"I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife Salma is a freak in the sheets, and I've never had so much as a cold in all these years."

 

Johnny smiles and says, "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest cunt alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, Salma is pretty wild in bed."

 

Mick walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head.
 

 

 

 

 

 

"Lads, I think I fucked up."

[Ayatollah Hermione 13887]

Knew where that was going from the first couple of sentences but still read the lot  

[RobinRobin 11291]

5 hours ago, ewerk said:

If you don't know @Monkeys Fist by now you never will. 🙂 

[RobinRobin 11291]

8 hours ago, Monkeys Fist said:

 

 

These three lads are walking along the beach when they find an old oil lamp in the sand. One of them picks it up, rubs it for a laugh , and, bugger me, out pops a Genie.

 

It says.
"You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes."

 

The first lad,  Davey, immediately blurts out,

"I want a billion pounds."

 

POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact £1,000,000,000,003.50p

 

The second lad, Johnny, thinks for a bit, then says,

"I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over £300 billion.

 

The third lad, Mick, thinks even longer about his wish, then says,

"I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life."

 

POOF, his arm starts rotating.

 

The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish.
Davey says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth."

 

POOF, Salma Hayek wraps herself around his arm. ( the jammy twat). 

 

Johnny says, "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want."
POOF, his looks change, and Salma immediately starts flirting with him.

 

Mick says, "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die."
 

POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions.

 

The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish.

 

Davey, after a while, says, "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die."
 

POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone, and his knees don't bother him anymore.

 

Johnny says, "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever."

 

POOF, he looks younger already.

 

Mick smiles triumphantly and says, "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth."
 

POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around.

 

The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways.

 

Many years later, they meet again and chat about how things have been going.

 

Davey is ecstatic:

"I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife Salma is a freak in the sheets, and I've never had so much as a cold in all these years."

 

Johnny smiles and says, "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest cunt alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, Salma is pretty wild in bed."

 

Mick walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head.
 

 

 

 

 

 

"Lads, I think I fucked up."

[Dr Gloom 21959]

As I walked into my local shop the other day, some bloke attacked me with milk, cheese, yogurt and cream

 

I thought 'How Dairy?'

[RobinRobin 11291]

58 minutes ago, Dr Gloom said:

As I walked into my local shop the other day, some bloke attacked me with milk, cheese, yogurt and cream

 

I thought 'How Dairy?'

[The Fish 10870]

2 hours ago, Dr Gloom said:

As I walked into my local shop the other day, some bloke attacked me with milk, cheese, yogurt and cream

 

I thought 'How Dairy?'

[Monkeys Fist 42465]

2 hours ago, Dr Gloom said:

As I walked into my local shop the other day, some bloke attacked me with milk, cheese, yogurt and cream

 

I thought 'How Dairy?'

I’d drink a glass of milk every night before bed, but I’d get these weird nightmares where I had no feet and was stuck in a nest of giant, social insects ( like termites). 
 

Turns out I had Lack Toes n’ Taller Ants.  

[Sonatine 11404]

3 hours ago, Dr Gloom said:

As I walked into my local shop the other day, some bloke attacked me with milk, cheese, yogurt and cream

 

I thought 'How Dairy?'