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if you heard a joke today, post it


Dr Gloom
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I’ve been a bit absent in here lately because…well…

 

… Mrs F. was in a car accident three weeks ago and has been in a coma ever since. 
 

( I know, I know, it’s serious). 
 

So, yesterday the Consultant took me to one side and said

” Fist lad, we’ve tried everything, and she’s not responding. Usually I’d have the chat with you about withdrawing life-support, but I was at a meeting yesterday and a colleague told me about a method of coma revival he’s seen great results from- it’s not guaranteed, but I think it’s worth a shot. 
It’s also a bit… unconventional.”

 

Obviously I was on it, and said “Whatever it takes, big man. “


” Right”, he said, “ Get in their and give her some oral sex . 5 minutes is usually enough to bring her round”

 

tumblr_o7d5cm08Qi1qfr6udo1_500.gif

 

In I went. 
 

After 4 minutes all the heart monitors and blood pressure gizmos started bleeping and buzzing so I ran out to the ward 

“ What happened ?” said big doc? 
 

“ I think after a minute she started choking doc, but you said 5 so I carried on pumping”

 

 

You’re all welcome at the wake- Newcastle Labour Club. 
 

I’ll be  at the bar, with a vodka and coke, waiting. 

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3 hours ago, RobinRobin said:

I asked my smart phone why I am sleepy in the middle of the day.

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Apparently, there's a nap for that :smile:

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Eddie Murphy No GIF by Coming to America

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I've opened a gym, where the instructors would go from door to door, to tell people about the benefits of joining it.

 

 

 

 

I’ve named it Jehovah’s Fitness.

 

:rimshot:

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5 hours ago, RobinRobin said:

I've opened a gym, where the instructors would go from door to door, to tell people about the benefits of joining it.

 

 

 

 

I’ve named it Jehovah’s Fitness.

 

:rimshot:


I’m pretty sure you posted a disdainful gif when I posted this joke a few pages back 

 

Confused Mark Wahlberg GIF by 20th Century Fox Home Entertainment

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6 hours ago, RobinRobin said:

I've opened a gym, where the instructors would go from door to door, to tell people about the benefits of joining it.

 

 

 

 

I’ve named it Jehovah’s Fitness.

 

:rimshot:

 

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Went to the docs for my yearly check up and he found

  • A Burger King Whopper in my left ear
  • A Big Mac in my right ear
  • Chicken Nuggets up my nose
  • A KFC family bucket up my gentlemen’s entrance. 
  • A cheeky Nando’s in my Clown shoes

He said “ Look, you’ve got to start eating sensibly “

 

 

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1 hour ago, Monkeys Fist said:

Went to the docs for my yearly check up and he found

  • A Burger King Whopper in my left ear
  • A Big Mac in my right ear
  • Chicken Nuggets up my nose
  • A KFC family bucket up my gentlemen’s entrance. 
  • A cheeky Nando’s in my Clown shoes

He said “ Look, you’ve got to start eating sensibly “

 

 

 

disappointed star trek GIF

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10 hours ago, Monkeys Fist said:

Went to the docs for my yearly check up and he found

  • A Burger King Whopper in my left ear
  • A Big Mac in my right ear
  • Chicken Nuggets up my nose
  • A KFC family bucket up my gentlemen’s entrance. 
  • A cheeky Nando’s in my Clown shoes

He said “ Look, you’ve got to start eating sensibly “

 

 

The Lion King Reaction GIF

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The coastguard went to see a fisherman’s wife after he’d been missing at sea. 
“ We have some bad news, some good news, and some great news”

” What’s the bad news?”

 

” Well… we’re sorry to tell you that we pulled your husband’s body from the seabed, 2 miles offshore this morning”

 

” Ok, and the good news?”

 

” There was over 200 lobsters, and 300 crabs on his body- it’s only fair that you get the catch”

 

” If that’s the good news, what’s the great news?”

 

” We’re going to pull him up again next week”

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5 hours ago, Monkeys Fist said:

The coastguard went to see a fisherman’s wife after he’d been missing at sea. 
“ We have some bad news, some good news, and some great news”

” What’s the bad news?”

 

” Well… we’re sorry to tell you that we pulled your husband’s body from the seabed, 2 miles offshore this morning”

 

” Ok, and the good news?”

 

” There was over 200 lobsters, and 300 crabs on his body- it’s only fair that you get the catch”

 

” If that’s the good news, what’s the great news?”

 

” We’re going to pull him up again next week”

Harry Potter Lol GIF by Sky

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