Monkeys Fist 41340 Posted June 27, 2023 Share Posted June 27, 2023 I’ve been a bit absent in here lately because…well… … Mrs F. was in a car accident three weeks ago and has been in a coma ever since. ( I know, I know, it’s serious). So, yesterday the Consultant took me to one side and said ” Fist lad, we’ve tried everything, and she’s not responding. Usually I’d have the chat with you about withdrawing life-support, but I was at a meeting yesterday and a colleague told me about a method of coma revival he’s seen great results from- it’s not guaranteed, but I think it’s worth a shot. It’s also a bit… unconventional.” Obviously I was on it, and said “Whatever it takes, big man. “ ” Right”, he said, “ Get in their and give her some oral sex . 5 minutes is usually enough to bring her round” In I went. After 4 minutes all the heart monitors and blood pressure gizmos started bleeping and buzzing so I ran out to the ward “ What happened ?” said big doc? “ I think after a minute she started choking doc, but you said 5 so I carried on pumping” You’re all welcome at the wake- Newcastle Labour Club. I’ll be at the bar, with a vodka and coke, waiting. 4 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RobinRobin 10705 Posted June 28, 2023 Share Posted June 28, 2023 I asked my smart phone why I am sleepy in the middle of the day. Apparently, there's a nap for that 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr Gloom 21305 Posted June 28, 2023 Author Share Posted June 28, 2023 3 hours ago, RobinRobin said: I asked my smart phone why I am sleepy in the middle of the day. Apparently, there's a nap for that 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RobinRobin 10705 Posted June 28, 2023 Share Posted June 28, 2023 1 hour ago, Dr Gloom said: 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monkeys Fist 41340 Posted June 29, 2023 Share Posted June 29, 2023 Essex Police are investigating the disappearance of Sharon, 48, who left her friend on a night out and hasn’t been seen since. She has vanished without Trace. 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RobinRobin 10705 Posted June 30, 2023 Share Posted June 30, 2023 I've opened a gym, where the instructors would go from door to door, to tell people about the benefits of joining it. I’ve named it Jehovah’s Fitness. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr Gloom 21305 Posted June 30, 2023 Author Share Posted June 30, 2023 5 hours ago, RobinRobin said: I've opened a gym, where the instructors would go from door to door, to tell people about the benefits of joining it. I’ve named it Jehovah’s Fitness. I’m pretty sure you posted a disdainful gif when I posted this joke a few pages back 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RobinRobin 10705 Posted June 30, 2023 Share Posted June 30, 2023 58 minutes ago, Dr Gloom said: I’m pretty sure you posted a disdainful gif when I posted this joke a few pages back I am sure it was appropriate at the time Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Howmanheyman 31654 Posted June 30, 2023 Share Posted June 30, 2023 6 hours ago, RobinRobin said: I've opened a gym, where the instructors would go from door to door, to tell people about the benefits of joining it. I’ve named it Jehovah’s Fitness. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monkeys Fist 41340 Posted June 30, 2023 Share Posted June 30, 2023 Mrs. F. said she's leaving me because she can't remember the last time we had sex. Rohypnol- 5/5, would buy again. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sonatine 11125 Posted June 30, 2023 Share Posted June 30, 2023 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Toonpack 8721 Posted July 1, 2023 Share Posted July 1, 2023 More a saw a joke today, but: 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monkeys Fist 41340 Posted July 1, 2023 Share Posted July 1, 2023 Went to the docs for my yearly check up and he found A Burger King Whopper in my left ear A Big Mac in my right ear Chicken Nuggets up my nose A KFC family bucket up my gentlemen’s entrance. A cheeky Nando’s in my Clown shoes He said “ Look, you’ve got to start eating sensibly “ 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Howmanheyman 31654 Posted July 1, 2023 Share Posted July 1, 2023 1 hour ago, Monkeys Fist said: Went to the docs for my yearly check up and he found A Burger King Whopper in my left ear A Big Mac in my right ear Chicken Nuggets up my nose A KFC family bucket up my gentlemen’s entrance. A cheeky Nando’s in my Clown shoes He said “ Look, you’ve got to start eating sensibly “ 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monkeys Fist 41340 Posted July 1, 2023 Share Posted July 1, 2023 2 hours ago, Howmanheyman said: Job done. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RobinRobin 10705 Posted July 2, 2023 Share Posted July 2, 2023 10 hours ago, Monkeys Fist said: Went to the docs for my yearly check up and he found A Burger King Whopper in my left ear A Big Mac in my right ear Chicken Nuggets up my nose A KFC family bucket up my gentlemen’s entrance. A cheeky Nando’s in my Clown shoes He said “ Look, you’ve got to start eating sensibly “ 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Toonpack 8721 Posted July 2, 2023 Share Posted July 2, 2023 Where do you send criminal rainbows ? Prism Just a light sentence though. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr Gloom 21305 Posted July 3, 2023 Author Share Posted July 3, 2023 12 hours ago, Toonpack said: Where do you send criminal rainbows ? Prism Just a light sentence though. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monkeys Fist 41340 Posted July 3, 2023 Share Posted July 3, 2023 The coastguard went to see a fisherman’s wife after he’d been missing at sea. “ We have some bad news, some good news, and some great news” ” What’s the bad news?” ” Well… we’re sorry to tell you that we pulled your husband’s body from the seabed, 2 miles offshore this morning” ” Ok, and the good news?” ” There was over 200 lobsters, and 300 crabs on his body- it’s only fair that you get the catch” ” If that’s the good news, what’s the great news?” ” We’re going to pull him up again next week” 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sonatine 11125 Posted July 3, 2023 Share Posted July 3, 2023 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RobinRobin 10705 Posted July 4, 2023 Share Posted July 4, 2023 5 hours ago, Monkeys Fist said: The coastguard went to see a fisherman’s wife after he’d been missing at sea. “ We have some bad news, some good news, and some great news” ” What’s the bad news?” ” Well… we’re sorry to tell you that we pulled your husband’s body from the seabed, 2 miles offshore this morning” ” Ok, and the good news?” ” There was over 200 lobsters, and 300 crabs on his body- it’s only fair that you get the catch” ” If that’s the good news, what’s the great news?” ” We’re going to pull him up again next week” 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr Gloom 21305 Posted July 9, 2023 Author Share Posted July 9, 2023 My wife says the salads I make tend to be a bit on the “dry” side. It’s definitely something that needs addressing 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monkeys Fist 41340 Posted July 9, 2023 Share Posted July 9, 2023 Mrs. F. walked out on me a month ago because she caught me groping bags of pasta. I miss her so much. I’ve been feeling cannelloni. 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kevin Carr's Gloves 3714 Posted July 9, 2023 Share Posted July 9, 2023 22 minutes ago, Monkeys Fist said: Mrs. F. walked out on me a month ago because she caught me groping bags of pasta. I miss her so much. I’ve been feeling cannelloni. 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monkeys Fist 41340 Posted July 9, 2023 Share Posted July 9, 2023 55 minutes ago, Kevin Carr's Gloves said: Orzo you say… 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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