RobinRobin 11281 Posted February 7, 2023 Share Posted February 7, 2023 Life is like a box of chocolates ... ... it doesn't last long if you are fat. 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr Gloom 21924 Posted February 7, 2023 Author Share Posted February 7, 2023 My friend has a Quality Street chocolate blocking his windpipe. The Purple One? Aye, that’s him. 3 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monkeys Fist 42458 Posted February 7, 2023 Share Posted February 7, 2023 3 hours ago, Dr Gloom said: My friend has a Quality Street chocolate blocking his windpipe. The Purple One? Aye, that’s him. * snickers quietly. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr Gloom 21924 Posted February 7, 2023 Author Share Posted February 7, 2023 1 hour ago, Monkeys Fist said: * snickers quietly. I set up the chocolate pun, knowing you wouldn’t flake out 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monkeys Fist 42458 Posted February 7, 2023 Share Posted February 7, 2023 I was bounty really. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RobinRobin 11281 Posted February 8, 2023 Share Posted February 8, 2023 Fuck's sake - although I revel in your capacity for puns. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Howmanheyman 33240 Posted February 10, 2023 Share Posted February 10, 2023 Two auld lads, Mick and Bob, have been friends all of their lives. When it's clear that Bob is dying, Mick visits him every day. One day Mick says, "Bob, me and you both loved football all our lives and we played football on Saturdays together for years then watched it together when we were too fucked to play. Please do me one favour, mate, when you get to Heaven, somehow, if you can, let me know if there's football up there." Bob looks up at Mick from his death bed, "Mick, you've been my best mate for many years. If it's at all possible, I'll try my best to do this favour for you, wor kid." Shortly after that, Bob sadly passed on. At midnight a couple of nights later, Mick is awakened from a sound sleep by a blinding flash of white light and a voice calling out to him, "Mick! Mick!" "Who is it? asks Mick sitting up suddenly. "Who is it?" He says again. "Mick, it's me, Bob." "You're not Bob, Bob just died a few days ago." "I'm telling you, man, it's me, Bob," insists the voice." "Bob?! Where are you?" "I'm in heaven, Mick", replies Bob. "I've got some really good news and a bit of bad news." "Tell me the good news first," says Mick. "Well the good news...." Bob says, ".....is that there is football in heaven. Better yet, all of our old friends who died before us are here, too. Better than that, we're all young again. Better still, it's always spring time and it never rains or snows. Our wives are there too, and young and pretty as ever! And best of all, we can play football all we want, and we never get tired!!" That's fantastic," says Mick. "It's beyond my wildest dreams! So what's the bad news, Bob?" Bob replies, "You're in the team for this Saturday, wor kid." 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Fish 10857 Posted February 10, 2023 Share Posted February 10, 2023 A bloke, dying of thirst staggers through the Sahara desert then spots something through the haze. Hoping to find water, he walks towards the image, only to find a little old man sitting at a card table with a bunch of neckties laid out on it. Skinny, kipper, bow, all the colours too. The guy gasped, "Water, water, Please, I'm dying, give me some water?" The old man replied, "I don't have any water, but I'll sell you a tie?" The guy wheezed, "Fuck off with your ties! I need water!" "OK, ok, don't buy a tie. Tell you what, about 10 miles that way, there's a hotel." The bloke thanked him and staggered off towards the promise of water. 6 hours later the guy came crawling back, "Help me, help me" "Couldn't you find the hotel?" The guy rasped, "I found it. They wouldn't let me in without a tie." 1 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monkeys Fist 42458 Posted February 10, 2023 Share Posted February 10, 2023 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Fish 10857 Posted February 10, 2023 Share Posted February 10, 2023 7 minutes ago, Monkeys Fist said: 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monkeys Fist 42458 Posted February 10, 2023 Share Posted February 10, 2023 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr Gloom 21924 Posted February 11, 2023 Author Share Posted February 11, 2023 My wife and I had this long pointless argument as to which vowel is the most important. I won. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monkeys Fist 42458 Posted February 11, 2023 Share Posted February 11, 2023 Eee, never. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sharp 50 Posted February 12, 2023 Share Posted February 12, 2023 I bought a tin of beans from the shop the other day, they were manky... wish i had of bought them online but heinz site is a wonderful thing 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RobinRobin 11281 Posted February 12, 2023 Share Posted February 12, 2023 15 hours ago, Monkeys Fist said: Eee, never. U would go there 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr Gloom 21924 Posted February 12, 2023 Author Share Posted February 12, 2023 8 hours ago, RobinRobin said: U would go there O dear Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monkeys Fist 42458 Posted February 12, 2023 Share Posted February 12, 2023 These consonant puns are doing my head in. 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Toonpack 9429 Posted February 12, 2023 Share Posted February 12, 2023 EI EI EIO, up the premier league we go what the strongest day of the week ?? Answer -Saturday or Sunday, the others are week days 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alex 35093 Posted February 12, 2023 Share Posted February 12, 2023 7 minutes ago, Toonpack said: EI EI EIO, up the premier league we go what the strongest day of the week ?? Answer -Saturday or Sunday, the others are week days 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trophyshy 7083 Posted February 12, 2023 Share Posted February 12, 2023 Is that Christina Acapulco? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sharp 50 Posted February 13, 2023 Share Posted February 13, 2023 Stuck the dogs tail in his mouth until it came out his arse, give it a quick yank and the little fucker turned inside out Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RobinRobin 11281 Posted February 13, 2023 Share Posted February 13, 2023 9 minutes ago, Sharp said: Stuck the dogs tail in his mouth until it came out his arse, give it a quick yank and the little fucker turned inside out 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Christmas Tree 4725 Posted February 13, 2023 Share Posted February 13, 2023 So the Pentagon shoots down an octagonal UFO. Things are shaping up nicely. 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alex 35093 Posted February 13, 2023 Share Posted February 13, 2023 12 hours ago, trophyshy said: Is that Christina Acapulco? Going loco? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monkeys Fist 42458 Posted February 13, 2023 Share Posted February 13, 2023 1 hour ago, Christmas Tree said: So the Pentagon shoots down an octagonal UFO. Things are shaping up nicely. Time to take sides, innit. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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