Blastronaut 1333 Posted October 20, 2020 Share Posted October 20, 2020 Bus breaks down in the middle of the road, blocking traffic at rush hour. The driver has a look at the engine to see if there's anything he can do while waiting to get towed. A woman in her garden notices the driver struggling without any tools and shouts over "do you want a screwdriver?" "not right now love, I'm trying to fix the bus" 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trooper 940 Posted October 20, 2020 Share Posted October 20, 2020 A bloke goes to see the doctor jelly in one ear, custard & cream in the other. The Dr said "he was a trifle deaf" 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monkeys Fist 42460 Posted October 20, 2020 Share Posted October 20, 2020 55 minutes ago, Blastronaut said: Bus breaks down in the middle of the road, blocking traffic at rush hour. The driver has a look at the engine to see if there's anything he can do while waiting to get towed. A woman in her garden notices the driver struggling without any tools and shouts over "do you want a screwdriver?" "not right now love, I'm trying to fix the bus" A penguin is driving to work when it’s car starts making odd noises, so Penguin drops it off at the mechanics and says it’ll be back after work to find out what’s wrong. A few hours later, Penguin waddles up to the mechanic and says, “ So, what was the trouble?” Mechanic replies, “ I think you’ve blown a seal” Penguin turns bright red and starts wiping its face. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Meenzer 15552 Posted October 20, 2020 Share Posted October 20, 2020 I like the version of that one that ends "no no, that's just frost on my moustache". 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Blastronaut 1333 Posted October 20, 2020 Share Posted October 20, 2020 Woman walks past a pet store a see's a parrot in the window next to a big sign that says "Talking Parrot. Free to a good home. NO RETURNS!" and pops inside to find out more. She asks the shop owner "why is it free?", he replies "I need to be honest with you. The last two people brought the parrot back the next day. Truth is, this bird was rescued from a brothel and its prone to say some pretty crude and offensive things". She takes a chance on the foul mouthed parrot and takes it home. First thing it says is "New House! New Madame!". The woman expected worse and laughs it off. Her daughter arrive home from school and the parrot says "New House! New Madame! New Girls!". The daughters are a bit surprised but see the funny side after mum explains the parrots background. About an hour later dad gets home from work. The kids eagerly waiting to see what the parrot says. Dad walks into the room and the parrot just says "Hi Keith!" 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Renton 21638 Posted October 20, 2020 Share Posted October 20, 2020 Ahh, so thats what happened to wolfy. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monkeys Fist 42460 Posted October 20, 2020 Share Posted October 20, 2020 Renton’s found a pub open in the Lakes, then 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Howmanheyman 33267 Posted October 20, 2020 Share Posted October 20, 2020 An auld dear goes to the doctor's complaining of discharge. The quack tell her to get undressed, puts the latex gloves on and starts to feel inside her vagina with his finger. "HOW DOES THIS, I SAY*, HOW DOES THIS FEEL TO YOU, MRS BOTTOMLEY?" He asks his rather deaf old patient. "It feels wonderful, Doctor, but the discharge is in my ear!" *He was from Yorkshire. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ayatollah Hermione 13884 Posted October 21, 2020 Share Posted October 21, 2020 Thought Foghorn Leghorn had got into the fanny doctor game there for a second. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RobinRobin 11289 Posted October 22, 2020 Share Posted October 22, 2020 (edited) 18 hours ago, Ayatollah Hermione said: Thought Foghorn Leghorn had got into the fanny doctor game there for a second. One for the old ones Edited October 22, 2020 by RobinRobin Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MA61PES 21 Posted October 22, 2020 Share Posted October 22, 2020 (edited) I was sat on the edge of the bed pulling my boxers off and my wife said, "You spoil them dogs". Edited October 23, 2020 by MA61PES 9 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MA61PES 21 Posted October 23, 2020 Share Posted October 23, 2020 (edited) Dyslexic IT worker.... Waited hours for a USB then 3 came at once. Edited October 23, 2020 by MA61PES 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
nufcpepper 0 Posted October 23, 2020 Share Posted October 23, 2020 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sonatine 11393 Posted November 7, 2020 Share Posted November 7, 2020 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trooper 940 Posted November 7, 2020 Share Posted November 7, 2020 I'm really annoyed with my inconsiderate neighbour. He knocked at my door at 3 AM when I was practising the drums 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Howmanheyman 33267 Posted January 7, 2021 Share Posted January 7, 2021 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Howmanheyman 33267 Posted January 12, 2021 Share Posted January 12, 2021 Trump finally croaks it and ends up in hell. The devil greets him and tells him that although he's deserving of a place they're a little bit overbooked at the minute. 'You're definitely staying but I'm going to have to let someone go who was touch and go whether they ended up here or not. I tell you what, I'll even let you decide. Here's your choices but you can pick only one and you must take up their eternal punishment." The devil then shows him into cavern where President Nixon is constantly trying to swim away from crocodiles in a deep pool. Trump says, 'I'm not the greatest swimmer since I hurt my shoulder so I'll give this one a miss." The devil takes him to another cavern, in it Saddam Hussein is constantly trying to break rocks with a pick but the pick just sparks off and the rocks stay intact. Trump looks at the devil and says, "Yeah, I can't see my poor shoulder holding up to that for eternity. Anything else?" The devil takes him to the last cavern, there, lying spread eagled with his hands chained behind his head is President Clinton with Monica Lewinsky in between his legs giving him an eternal piping. Trump dives straight in and says that he'll take this task on. The devil nods his head then shouts, "Ok, Monica, pet, that'll do, you can go back up to heaven now." 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Howmanheyman 33267 Posted January 19, 2021 Share Posted January 19, 2021 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
RobinRobin 11289 Posted January 20, 2021 Share Posted January 20, 2021 On 19/01/2021 at 11:17, Howmanheyman said: Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Toonpack 9449 Posted March 19, 2021 Share Posted March 19, 2021 A priest a vicar and a rabbit went into a blood transfusion clinic. When asked “what’s your blood group” “I believe I’m a type O” said the rabbit 🤔 😀 7 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheGingerQuiff 2412 Posted March 19, 2021 Share Posted March 19, 2021 Nicked 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Howmanheyman 33267 Posted April 9, 2021 Share Posted April 9, 2021 Just got back from the doctors. Apparently I'm suffering from severe paranoia. I just wonder which other cunt he's told? 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Howmanheyman 33267 Posted April 24, 2021 Share Posted April 24, 2021 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monkeys Fist 42460 Posted April 24, 2021 Share Posted April 24, 2021 You ok, hun? 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kevin Carr's Gloves 3900 Posted April 24, 2021 Share Posted April 24, 2021 13 minutes ago, Howmanheyman said: A PTI Sgt an a couple of corporals calling me a soft cunt. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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