Monkeys Fist 42458 Posted November 23, 2019 Share Posted November 23, 2019 Rang the Rape Helpline last night- fucking useless! Couldn’t even tell me how to hogtie a conscious victim. 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Howmanheyman 33240 Posted December 6, 2019 Share Posted December 6, 2019 David Bowie: "You look a bit down in the dumps, Bing. What's wrong?" Bing Crosby: "my inflatable arsehole needs blown up." Bowie: "Do you want to borrow my rubber bum pump?" Bing: "Rubber bum pump?" Bowie: "Rubber bum pump." 4 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monkeys Fist 42458 Posted December 6, 2019 Share Posted December 6, 2019 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monkeys Fist 42458 Posted December 13, 2019 Share Posted December 13, 2019 So I went in to the butchers today and said, ” I bet you £3000 you can’t reach that beef on the top shelf” He said “ Sorry mate, no bet, the steaks are too high.” 2 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monkeys Fist 42458 Posted December 23, 2019 Share Posted December 23, 2019 Me and the laddie were watching Brian Cox earlier, and he asked if I could explain a Solar Eclipse to him. I said… ”No son”. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monkeys Fist 42458 Posted December 23, 2019 Share Posted December 23, 2019 I’ve got in to the habit of necking a bottle of brake fluid every night. Don’t worry though, I can stop whenever I want. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr Gloom 21924 Posted December 24, 2019 Author Share Posted December 24, 2019 Mrs G is always banging on at me, complaining I have no sense of direction. After a heated row the other night, I had enough. It was the final straw. So I packed my bags and right. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monkeys Fist 42458 Posted December 24, 2019 Share Posted December 24, 2019 A mate of mine moved to North Korea and I managed to get a letter through to him a while back, asking how it was going. He can’t complain. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sonatine 11387 Posted December 24, 2019 Share Posted December 24, 2019 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Howmanheyman 33240 Posted December 28, 2019 Share Posted December 28, 2019 (edited) I said to my new lass that I could sometimes be a bit vocal during sex, she giggled and said that was ok. Later on that night.....(through a megaphone)......"Ban animal testing! Ban animal testing!" Edited December 28, 2019 by Howmanheyman 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr Gloom 21924 Posted December 28, 2019 Author Share Posted December 28, 2019 I’m reading this new book I got for Christmas about anti gravity. It’s impossible to put down. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monkeys Fist 42458 Posted December 28, 2019 Share Posted December 28, 2019 My son bought me a whiteboard for Christmas. I must admit, I think it’s a remarkable gift. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sonatine 11387 Posted December 28, 2019 Share Posted December 28, 2019 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Rayvin 5223 Posted December 28, 2019 Share Posted December 28, 2019 21 minutes ago, Monkeys Fist said: My son bought me a whiteboard for Christmas. I must admit, I think it’s a remarkable gift. You either only read, or solely write, Christmas cracker jokes Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monkeys Fist 42458 Posted December 28, 2019 Share Posted December 28, 2019 I was in town today, and saw this dwarf with a sign saying “ I hate Black people” at the Monument. I thought, “ That’s a little racist”. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monkeys Fist 42458 Posted December 28, 2019 Share Posted December 28, 2019 38 minutes ago, Rayvin said: You either only read, or solely write, Christmas cracker jokes I had a traumatic time in my teens- I was kidnapped by a mime artist. He did some unspeakable things. 4 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr Gloom 21924 Posted December 28, 2019 Author Share Posted December 28, 2019 that reminds me, what’s the least spoken language in the world? sign language 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tdansmith 3259 Posted February 17, 2020 Share Posted February 17, 2020 A Russian and an Irish wrestler were set to square off for the Olympic gold medal. Before the final match, the Irish wrestler's trainer came to him and said 'Now, don't forget all the research we've done on this Russian. He's never lost a match because of this 'pretzel' hold he has. It ties you up in knots. Whatever you do, do not let him get you in that hold! If he does, you're finished.' The Irishman nodded in acknowledgment. As the match started, the Irishman and the Russian circled each other several times, looking for an opening. All of a sudden, the Russian lunged forward,grabbing the Irishman and wrapping him up in the dreaded pretzel hold. A sigh of disappointment arose from the crowd and the trainer buried his face in his hands, for he knew all was lost. He couldn't watch the inevitable happen. Suddenly, there was a Long, High Pitched Scream, then a cheer from the crowd and the trainer raised his eyes just in time to watch the Russian go flying up in the air. His back hit the mat with a thud and the Irishman collapsed on top of him, making the pin and winning the match. The trainer was astounded.When he finally got his wrestler alone, he asked 'How did you ever get out of that hold? No one has ever done it before!' The wrestler answered 'Well, I was ready to give up when he got me in that hold but at the last moment, I opened my eyes and saw this pair of testicles right in front of my face. I had nothing to lose so with my last ounce of strength, I stretched out my neck and bit those babies just as hard as I could.' The trainer exclaimed 'Oh, so that's what finished him off?!!' 'Not really. You'd be amazed how strong you get when you bite your own balls' 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monkeys Fist 42458 Posted February 18, 2020 Share Posted February 18, 2020 My old man has been very ill lately, tried everything, even alternative medicine- he spent weeks covering himself in duck fat. It hasn’t worked… he’s gone downhill really fast. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sonatine 11387 Posted February 18, 2020 Share Posted February 18, 2020 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tdansmith 3259 Posted February 23, 2020 Share Posted February 23, 2020 My wife divorced me, she said I'm too gullible, can't wait to see her face when I tell her I won £16m in the Nigerian Lottery. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monkeys Fist 42458 Posted February 23, 2020 Share Posted February 23, 2020 Last month Mrs. F. bought half a dozen of the most bogging table lamps I’ve ever seen. We had a break-in this weekend and the burglar nicked them. I’m delighted. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Meenzer 15531 Posted February 23, 2020 Share Posted February 23, 2020 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Howmanheyman 33240 Posted March 7, 2020 Share Posted March 7, 2020 Was doing some cooking a few years ago and without thinking rubbed my eyes after I'd just chopped up some herbs. I've been parsley sighted ever since. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sonatine 11387 Posted March 7, 2020 Share Posted March 7, 2020 There's an Innuendo competition that's just been announced, I might enter the lass next door. 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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