Monkeys Fist 42449 Posted May 18, 2018 Share Posted May 18, 2018 They play havoc with Uranus. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monkeys Fist 42449 Posted May 18, 2018 Share Posted May 18, 2018 So, Mrs.F dropped a bomb today- she wants a divorce. She says I’m just stumbling through life with no sense of direction. I wasn’t having it, so I packed my bags and right. 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monkeys Fist 42449 Posted May 18, 2018 Share Posted May 18, 2018 I went to the doctors today as I’m a bit worried that I’ve got hearing problems. He asked my to describe the symptoms. I said “ Well, Homer’s a fat bloke and Marge has got blue hair.” 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr Gloom 21924 Posted May 18, 2018 Author Share Posted May 18, 2018 what do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? ...an irrelephant 1 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr Gloom 21924 Posted May 18, 2018 Author Share Posted May 18, 2018 the three bears came home from a walk in the woods and noticed someone had broken in. mr bear said "someone's been eating my porridge", mrs bear said "someone's been eating my porridge too!" the little bear said "fuck the porridge, someone's nicked the telly!" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alex 35083 Posted May 18, 2018 Share Posted May 18, 2018 4 minutes ago, Dr Gloom said: what do you call an elephant that doesn't matter? ...an irrelephant Terrible. So bad it's good Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monkeys Fist 42449 Posted May 18, 2018 Share Posted May 18, 2018 I don’t think I’ve posted my all-time favourite joke yet this year. Vincent Van Gogh is having a pint. In walks his mate, Gauguin, who says, ” Alreet Vinny, fancy a pint?” Vincent says, ” No thanks, I’ve got one ‘ere.” 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr Gloom 21924 Posted May 18, 2018 Author Share Posted May 18, 2018 21 minutes ago, Alex said: Terrible. So bad it's good proper dad joke the three bears one came from my seven year old boy. i added the profanity Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Howmanheyman 33219 Posted May 20, 2018 Share Posted May 20, 2018 Paddy goes for a job, the interviewer asks him to give his full name. Paddy answers, "Sortanly sor, it's Patrick Mulligan-Flaherty', sor." "How do you spell that?" Asks the interviewer. "Stick the fucking job up your arse!" Replies Paddy. "Ok, we'll skip that one for now." Says the interviewer, "Can you lay bricks?" He adds. "No." Says Paddy. "Are you any good at joinery?" The interviewer enquiries. "No." Say Paddy "Any general building skills at all?" The interviewer asks. "Not really, sor." The interviewer scratches his head and says, "This job is for a school handyman. How the hell are you handy?" Paddy replies, "Oi just live round the corner, sor!" 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ewerk 30611 Posted May 20, 2018 Share Posted May 20, 2018 Reported. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Howmanheyman 33219 Posted May 20, 2018 Share Posted May 20, 2018 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monkeys Fist 42449 Posted May 20, 2018 Share Posted May 20, 2018 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alex 35083 Posted May 20, 2018 Share Posted May 20, 2018 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monkeys Fist 42449 Posted July 31, 2018 Share Posted July 31, 2018 So I heard today about a woman that had budget breast implants made of cheap Scandinavian Pine. (This would be funnier with a punchline) Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monkeys Fist 42449 Posted July 31, 2018 Share Posted July 31, 2018 Wooden tit. 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wykikitoon 20145 Posted September 19, 2018 Share Posted September 19, 2018 Scottish guy goes into a cake shop Lass serving says all cakes are £1 Guy says 'Ill have that one' 'Thats £2' '£2? Why?' 'Thats Madeira Cake' 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PaddockLad 17262 Posted September 19, 2018 Share Posted September 19, 2018 4 hours ago, wykikitoon said: Scottish guy goes into a cake shop Lass serving says all cakes are £1 Guy says 'Ill have that one' 'Thats £2' '£2? Why?' 'Thats Madeira Cake' Sane guy goes into the bakers again and starts perusing what's on offer under the glass... Sees something he likes so asked the lass "Is that a doughnut or a meringue?" "No, you're right, it's a doughnut" 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheGingerQuiff 2412 Posted September 19, 2018 Share Posted September 19, 2018 5 hours ago, wykikitoon said: Scottish guy goes into a cake shop Lass serving says all cakes are £1 Guy says 'Ill have that one' 'Thats £2' '£2? Why?' 'Thats Madeira Cake' Sounds like it's the lass that should be Scottish not the customer Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monkeys Fist 42449 Posted September 20, 2018 Share Posted September 20, 2018 Bloke walks in to a bakery with a salmon under his arm, ” Do you do fish cakes?” ” No, sorry, we don’t ” says the baker. “ Shame.…” says the bloke, pointing at the Salmon. “It’s his birthday”. 6 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tom 14011 Posted September 20, 2018 Share Posted September 20, 2018 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Howmanheyman 33219 Posted September 21, 2018 Share Posted September 21, 2018 On 20/09/2018 at 17:01, Monkeys Fist said: Bloke walks in to a bakery with a salmon under his arm, ” Do you do fish cakes?” ” No, sorry, we don’t ” says the baker. “ Shame.…” says the bloke, pointing at the Salmon. “It’s his birthday”. Not sure if I've posted it before but..... Queen Victoria gets shown around the field hospital in some far flung part of the empire to boost the morale of the wounded soldiers, a finely moustachioed Sergeant Major showing her around. (Wails, moans!) QV: "Oh my goodness! What is wrong with this poor fellow?" SM: (Shouting) "Hemorrhoids, Ma'am!" QV: "Oh dear. What is the medical treatment, Sergeant Major?" SM: (Shouting) "Wire brush and dettol, Ma'am! Scrub it out of 'em!" QV: "Oh dear, that sounds very painful. What are your hopes my good man?" Groaning Soldier: "Arrgh! Nnnnnn! To, (gasp) get better and, arghh....fight for Queen and country, your Majesty." QV: "ooh that's so nice of you, here's a medal for your bravery." She pins a medal on his chest and moves to the next bed. (More wails, moans and groans). QV: "Oh my goodness! What is wrong with this poor chap?" SM: (Shouting) "Crabs, Ma'am!" QV: "Oh my goodness. What is the medical treatment, Sergeant Major?" SM: (Shouting) "Wire brush and dettol, Ma'am! Scrub it out of 'em!" QV: "Oh dear, that sounds very painful. What are your hopes my good man?" 2nd Groaning Soldier: "Arrgh! Nnnnnn! To, (gasp) get better and, arghh....fight for Queen and country, your Majesty." QV: "ooh that's so nice of you too! Here's a well deserved medal for your bravery." She then moves on to the end bed and Wee Paddy of the Irish Guards. (More wails, moans and groans). QV: "Oh my goodness! What is wrong with this poor fellow? He doesn't look too well at all!" SM: (Shouting) "Tonsillitis, Ma'am!" QV: "Oh dear. What is the medical treatment, Sergeant Major?" SM: (Shouting) "Wire brush and dettol, Ma'am! Scrub it out of 'em!" QV: "Oh that sounds so very painful. What are your hopes my good man?" Paddy of the Irish Guards: "Arrgh! Nnnnnn! To, (gasp) get, (arrrgh) the wire brush and dettol before them Dorty bastards, Ma'am!" 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monkeys Fist 42449 Posted September 22, 2018 Share Posted September 22, 2018 That’s older than Noelie. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Howmanheyman 33219 Posted September 23, 2018 Share Posted September 23, 2018 14 hours ago, Monkeys Fist said: That’s older than Noelie. Still like it, though! 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monkeys Fist 42449 Posted October 23, 2018 Share Posted October 23, 2018 So, a blind bloke walks in to a bar… …and a table …and a chair 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kid Dynamite 7029 Posted December 4, 2018 Share Posted December 4, 2018 Some cracker at work injected himself with curry today He's in a korma 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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