Gemmill 44853 Posted July 28, 2015 Share Posted July 28, 2015 I rest my case. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Meenzer 15524 Posted July 28, 2015 Share Posted July 28, 2015 Irish case in the name of the law. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monkeys Fist 42419 Posted August 3, 2015 Share Posted August 3, 2015 Q: what's 12 inches long and snaps cunts? A: a selfie stick Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alex 35077 Posted August 20, 2015 Share Posted August 20, 2015 I just found out my great-grandfather died at Auschwitz. He fell off a watchtower. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trooper 940 Posted August 20, 2015 Share Posted August 20, 2015 Just got some strength tablets from the doctor I can't get the top off the bottle Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catmag 337 Posted September 9, 2015 Share Posted September 9, 2015 How much do cockneys pay for their shampoo? Paaaantene It's goodnight from me Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monkeys Fist 42419 Posted September 9, 2015 Share Posted September 9, 2015 Get out Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ewerk 30598 Posted April 28, 2016 Share Posted April 28, 2016 "Update the force, Luke" Adobe Wan Kenobi Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
adios 717 Posted April 28, 2016 Share Posted April 28, 2016 Oh dear. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr Gloom 21915 Posted April 28, 2016 Author Share Posted April 28, 2016 Ouch Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monkeys Fist 42419 Posted May 12, 2016 Share Posted May 12, 2016 Thicker than whale spunk. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Howay 12496 Posted May 12, 2016 Share Posted May 12, 2016 conversation overheard in an immigration hall. Name; Abdul Kebab Sex; 3 Times a day No,I mean male or female? Doesn't matter. Pipe down paedo apologist. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ayatollah Hermione 13863 Posted May 12, 2016 Share Posted May 12, 2016 conversation overheard in an immigration hall. Name; Abdul Kebab Sex; 3 Times a day No,I mean male or female? Doesn't matter. Nailed on that this kid boots the sides of those police vans that are carrying nonces Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Howay 12496 Posted May 12, 2016 Share Posted May 12, 2016 Think he uses his head rather than his foot if his erratic posting is anything to go off. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gemmill 44853 Posted May 28, 2016 Share Posted May 28, 2016 One of them picks it up, rubs it, and out pops a Genie. It booms "You have finally freed me after all these years, so I'll grant each one of you 3 wishes." The first guy immediately blurts out "I want a billion dollars." POOF, he's holding a printout that shows his account balance is now in fact 1,000,000,003.50 The second man thinks for a bit, then says "I want to be the richest man alive." POOF, he's holding papers showing his net worth is now well over 100 billion. The third guy thinks even longer about his wish, then says "I want my left arm to rotate clockwise for the rest of my life." POOF, his arm starts rotating. The Genie tells them it's time for their second wish. First guy says: "I want to be married to the most beautiful woman on earth." POOF, a stunning beauty wraps herself around his arm. Second guy says "I want to be good-looking and charismatic, so I can have every girl I want." POOF, his looks change and the first guy's wife immediately starts flirting with him. Third guy says "I want my right arm to rotate counter-clockwise until I die." POOF, now both his arms are rotating, in opposite directions. The genie tells them to think very carefully about their third wish. First guy does, and after a while says "I never want to become sick or injured, I want to stay healthy until I die." POOF, his complexion improves, his acne is gone and his knees don't bother him any more. Second guy says "I never want to grow old. I want to stay 29 forever." POOF, he looks younger already. Third guy smiles triumphantly and says "My last wish is for my head to nod back and forth." POOF, he's now nodding his head and still flailing his arms around. The genie wishes them good luck, disappears, and the men soon go their separate ways. Many years later they meet again and chat about how things have been going. First guy is ecstatic: "I've invested the money and multiplied it many times over, so me and my family will be among the richest of the rich pretty much forever. My wife is a freak in the sheets, and I've never gotten so much as a cold in all these years." Second guy smiles and says "Well, I built charities worldwide with a fraction of my wealth, I'm still the richest guy alive and also revered for my good deeds. I haven't aged a day since we last met, and yes, your wife is pretty wild in bed." Third guy walks in, flailing his arms around and nodding his head, and says: "Guys, I think I fucked up." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
adios 717 Posted May 28, 2016 Share Posted May 28, 2016 FFS Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ewerk 30598 Posted May 28, 2016 Share Posted May 28, 2016 Maybe jokes just aren't your thing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gemmill 44853 Posted May 28, 2016 Share Posted May 28, 2016 Maybe they aren't yours. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ewerk 30598 Posted May 28, 2016 Share Posted May 28, 2016 I bet you find Stewart Lee funny. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gemmill 44853 Posted May 28, 2016 Share Posted May 28, 2016 I bet you find Jimmy Cricket funny. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ewerk 30598 Posted May 28, 2016 Share Posted May 28, 2016 My da actually paid money to see him in concert last year. It was about as good as you might imagine. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Renton 21615 Posted May 28, 2016 Share Posted May 28, 2016 I lolled. So random. Of course Gemmill is under the delusion he is already number 2...... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Gemmill 44853 Posted May 28, 2016 Share Posted May 28, 2016 My da actually paid money to see him in concert last year. It was about as good as you might imagine. I assumed he'd be dead by now. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Howmanheyman 33173 Posted May 28, 2016 Share Posted May 28, 2016 Jesus Christ, Gemmill, man! Anyway, bloke walks into the bar with a stork and a cat. Bloke asks for a pint to which the stork chips in with a "make it two!" And the cat adds "no, make it three, they're paying." This goes on all night, bloke gets pissed, cat and stork get drunk also, cat ducks paying his lob every round. Eventually the stork and cat fuck off for a piss so the barman grabs his chance to question the bloke. "Here mate. What's the craic here? How come you're drinking with a cat who won't get his round in and a stork?" The bloke sighs and tells him about the old lamp he found and how a genie popped out and gave him one wish only. "What did you ask for, mate?" Ask the barman. "What did I ask for?" The now pissed bloke slurred, "I only fucking asked for a bird with long legs and a nice tight pussy." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Renton 21615 Posted May 28, 2016 Share Posted May 28, 2016 Awful. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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