Howmanheyman 33826 Posted September 30, 2018 Share Posted September 30, 2018 Club employee: "Ladies and gentleman, I give you Peter Kenyon, chairman of the consortium to buy out Newca....." Knight Ryder: "....Ah'll just stop you there, bonny lad, Kenyon needs nee introduction up here, fucking capiche, wor kid?" 2 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Howmanheyman 33826 Posted October 1, 2018 Share Posted October 1, 2018 The secret diary of Lee Ryder aged 44 and a half 01/10/2018 Alreet diary? Been almost a year since ah was in the kooh i noor restaurant in the bigg market disguised as an Indian waiter in me never ending quest to get the scoops on the high flyers at the cathedral on the hill, St James' park and one Michael Wallace Ashley, all for me loyal puntas who live for their daily NUFC fix. Why bring that up again you might ask? Well, not for the first time in me award winning career ah was going fine dining again to fill mesel up with some scrumpchis, err, scrumptchi, err some lovely NUFC story for me back page in the Ronald Gill. Ah heard off one of me new narks in the NUFC squad that Mike Ashley was tekking rafa and the lads oot for some scran as he was starting to feel the heat from the protests and wanted some good publicity. Me nark, who ah can't name, let on where they'd be, so ah thanked young Jamie, 'Sterrys-in-their-eyes' and hot footed it doon to North Shields Sambucas restaurant with me false tache on and glasses and managed to get a seat near all the squad, Rafa and the Buckinghamshire whale. The waiters handed oot two menus, the proper one and a 3 course special one which was only £3.99 for three courses. Mike piped up, "Rafa, me old Iberian sausage, tell the boys they can have anyfing they want off the £3.99 menu. Anyfing, money's no object!" And ah thought to mesel that must be almost £150 with drinks chucked in! That would've been me weekly wage when the great Sir Bobby was in charge! They'd just finished ordering and the waiter was heading to the kitchen when Jacob Murphy had changed his mind and wanted Spaghetti bolognese instead of a Hawaiian pizza. Ah thought the kid was as decisive on his food as he was with his final ball but when it looked too late Javier Manquillo piped up, "Don't worry, Jacob, I'll intercept him before he gets to the door and tell him what you want!" Manquillo then darted doon the long table, got past Rafa's and Ashley's chairs and was just about to tap the waiter's shoulder when the Italian waiter side stepped him went through the kitchen door and Manquillo crashed onto his arse. Nee wonder we were struggling, ah thought! Ah got a few bits and pieces for me back page, ah wasn't in the best place to hear everything but ah thought ah'd just do a '5 things we learned about a 3 course Italian Toon slap up' and clocked who ate what, when ah noticed what looked like Rafa coaching Joselu at the dining table! Wow! He just doesn't let up and is a fanatic. Ah pretended to gan forra piss so ah could hear his advice to the Spanish hitman. "Please, Joselu, I know it is not your favourite but mike has paid good money for it, can you not finish it?" Matt Ritchie then shouted out that he couldn't finish anything before the unhappy Spaniard striker broke down in tears. Just as things were kicking off Mike diffused the situation by necking a pint, farting loudly, shouting out 'more tea, vicar' and then spewed up in an alcove! He then got out his phone and argued with the owner about getting two for one on his voucher cloud app but Luigi wasn't having it and said it was already on special! Eventually a deal was done and a happy Mike got a further 25% off while the players picked straws to see which three of them would have to come back next week for an hours photo op with sambuca's customers. Ah thought to mesel that yes, he gets stick, but fair play to him for boosting the teams morale with this night oot. Ah just knew the players lapped it up and would now go on a winning run and ah just knew me puntas would be dining out on me 5 star, shit hot Newcastle United craic! Ryder does it again! Lol. Laters. 9 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monkeys Fist 43063 Posted October 1, 2018 Share Posted October 1, 2018 North Shields Sambucas Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PaddockLad 17643 Posted October 1, 2018 Share Posted October 1, 2018 How’s boss eyed Mala these days @Howmanheyman ?? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Howmanheyman 33826 Posted October 2, 2018 Share Posted October 2, 2018 10 hours ago, PaddockLad said: How’s boss eyed Mala these days @Howmanheyman ?? He said he'd see you alright, Rob, once he gets his laser treatment. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alex 35569 Posted October 2, 2018 Share Posted October 2, 2018 (edited) The "Lol. Laters" bit at the end always cracks me up Edited October 2, 2018 by Alex Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr Gloom 22143 Posted October 2, 2018 Share Posted October 2, 2018 Ryder and out Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Mighty Hog 526 Posted October 2, 2018 Share Posted October 2, 2018 I'd wondered who his new nark was. Remi Street is no use now! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Howmanheyman 33826 Posted October 3, 2018 Share Posted October 3, 2018 Wasn't far wrong was I? 3 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monkeys Fist 43063 Posted October 3, 2018 Share Posted October 3, 2018 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Meenzer 15716 Posted October 3, 2018 Share Posted October 3, 2018 Eerily prescient. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheGingerQuiff 2412 Posted October 13, 2018 Share Posted October 13, 2018 https://www.chroniclelive.co.uk/sport/football/football-news/newcastle-united-man-lee-ryder-15262403 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr Gloom 22143 Posted October 14, 2018 Share Posted October 14, 2018 This will surely inspire a diary entry Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheGingerQuiff 2412 Posted October 14, 2018 Share Posted October 14, 2018 Just been looking for some new jeans and seen these https://www.asos.com/lee/lee-rider-slim-jeans-in-blue-storm-in-mid-wash/prd/9680138?clr=blue-storm&SearchQuery=&cid=5230&gridcolumn=4&gridrow=7&gridsize=4&pge=1&pgesize=72&totalstyles=86 Ideal for footsoldiering in. 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Howmanheyman 33826 Posted October 14, 2018 Share Posted October 14, 2018 (edited) 4 hours ago, Dr Gloom said: This will surely inspire a diary entry His patter, man. 'A certain john Lewis'* * (I sometimes don't know who's copying who). Edited October 14, 2018 by Howmanheyman 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Sonatine 11542 Posted October 14, 2018 Share Posted October 14, 2018 7 minutes ago, Howmanheyman said: His patter, man. 'A certain john Lewis'* * (I sometimes don't know who's copying who). It'll be like Fight Club, Lee Ryder is your Tyler Durden 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wykikitoon 20712 Posted December 5, 2018 Share Posted December 5, 2018 We've not had an update recently like. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monkeys Fist 43063 Posted December 5, 2018 Share Posted December 5, 2018 He’s too busy trying to work out why the words “plunged around the club” make his fucking teeth itch. How is this fucking gonk a journalist? 1 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
wykikitoon 20712 Posted December 5, 2018 Share Posted December 5, 2018 gonk Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Mighty Hog 526 Posted December 5, 2018 Share Posted December 5, 2018 https://www.chroniclelive.co.uk/sport/football/football-news/newcastle-united-takeover-peter-kenyon-15507440 A quick copy and paste job from the Rockefeller website to pad out the article to an acceptable length, no shame. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Howmanheyman 33826 Posted February 16, 2019 Share Posted February 16, 2019 "Hehehe. The auld black book of shit hot toon contacts, handed down by me auld mentor, Alan 'wide of the mark' Oliver paying divvie, divadents, err, paying off once again. Up there for thinking, doon there for dancing, wor kid. Lol." 5 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheGingerQuiff 2412 Posted February 16, 2019 Share Posted February 16, 2019 What's his articles been like after a few sangrias? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
TheGingerQuiff 2412 Posted February 16, 2019 Share Posted February 16, 2019 The diary could do with a Spain entry Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Howmanheyman 33826 Posted February 16, 2019 Share Posted February 16, 2019 The secret diary of Lee Ryder aged 44 and a half 16/02/2019 Oh this year we're off to sunny Spain! Y Viva Espana! EEEh ya fucka, diary. The things ah get to do in this crazy world of following NUFC just so me loyal punters get their daily fix of Ryder hot takes of life on the United beat as Olly used to say. Ah managed to get to Murcia via an easyjet flight to Alicante then bussed the rest of the way to the United camp, 'living the fucking dream' diary! Lol. When ah fund oot aboot the trip ah thought ah'd ring rund the lads and kill two bords with one stone which is something all us seasoned hacks know is the way to get the scoops. Anyways, ah bells cockeyed Mala and he let on that Pigeon chest Campbell was thinking of having a second stag do after his first got ruined by getting drugged and bummed by a couple of rent boys in Budapest after a prank got a bit oot a hand. Like Hannibal off the A-Team, ah fucking loved it when a plan got together and thought we'd ah'll gan on the piss after the friendly v CSKA Moscow where ah'd metamorf, meteormophis, err change into Balou with the NUFC stuff and only do the bare necessities with a Rafa quote, a player quote and a 'five things' bit before giving the Spanish senorita hinnies six nowt later on! Ah'd also gave one time Spanish Toon defender, 'Sore-finger-on-my-chip' Marcelino a bell asking him to turn up so ah could tek a photo of him as ah knew he lived close by. "Senor Ryder! I am having a family BBQ that day! I cannot make it, my old friend" he said on the phone. Ah then reminded him of a certain Thomson House cleaner called Jeanette and how Senora Marcelino might want to hear a few tales when he reluctantly decided to show up! (You have to be ruthless in this game, diary, kid gloves off). Anyways, after a shite kickabout ah got a couple of quotes, took 'fingers' pic then met the lads in Murcia toon centre. Ah'd already had a few chilled sangrias pitchside in the heat and mustn't have realised the potency as we headed oot. Ah was fucking rampant winking at the Iberian fanny and any holiday makers of the female variety. Ah was fucking mortal by the time we got to a nightclub and that's where these fucking Russian booncers set their lip up. "No! This one does not come in!" said fucking Ivan number one. "What ya talking aboot ya daft cunt! ah've anny had a few!" ah said trying to stand up straight. It was then ah noticed a CSKA tattoo on his knuckle! So, he was in the huff at not beating the mighty Mags in a friendly, eh? Thought he could mess with the former foot soldier of the Toon army? Ah was aboot to swing a punch when ah realised he was probably one of the MMA Russian hardcore hooligans. Ah thought to mesel that ah couldn't spoil Pigeon chest Campbell's second stag do after the first one went Pete Tong so ah let Ivan off the hook and we staggered to a brothel where even Cock eyed Mala got his end away and Pigeon chests arsehole remained unmolested! Lol. Anyways, flights to catch, NUFC stuff to write, Punters to keep happy! Ryder and fucking out. 13 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr Gloom 22143 Posted February 16, 2019 Share Posted February 16, 2019 Pigeon chest Campbell Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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