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The Secret Diary of Lee Ryder (aged 44 and a half)


Craig
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"Read all about the raging debate sweeping Tyneside tonight about Colback."

 

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"The toes, Chris, the fucking toes. What did ah tell yi about trying to step on me toes? Ya feet aren't big enough to step on these fuckas."

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The secret diary of Lee Ryder aged 44 and a half

03/11/2015

 

Get up

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Like a Sex Machine.
Well diary, it's been a while, ah knaa, the life of an award winning sports journalist just whizzes past like a Jack 'Ginger Pirlo' free kick. Ah've been busy on the ground ah'll season trying to get new contacts in the McClaren era NUFC, but ah still didn't quite have the same ear of Shuper schteve as ah did of The King Pards and wor John, coach Carvs. Ah did however decide to get some fresh insider blood to replace me old nark, Remi 'word-on-the' Streete because ah knew that as as much as me loyal readers love the likes of Quinny's patter, the younger fans will want to hear a current NUFC star give their views. Ah'd arranged a meet and a bung to get one of our black & white heroes on the secret Ronny Gill payroll with an insider pipeline straight through to yours truly, the Knight from the Bigg Market. The craic was we'd meet every now and then at Cafe Rouge on Grey Street so's me nark would feel safe in his own surroundings so to speak as 'Rouge' was a french word and the place was a Frog restaurant and, zut alors, me nark was from the country that gave us Platini, Napoleon and the brilliant 'allo 'allo. The craic was we'd meet up at ten bells but, not for the fist time, the mighty sword of the Knight had put a spanner in the works, ah was running late as ah'd had a secret midnight rondevoo, rendeavous, err, a meeting with one of the Polish cleaners at Thomson house who had fallen for the North Shields Valentino. Ah'd went along to her flat after she'd put ah kids to bed and tried out me 'Kamagra' tablets that were endorsed by none other than Sky Saturday legend, Chris Kamara. The pills were a viagra substitute that were a bit cheaper off the internet and ah only popped them as the lass was nee Wendy Taylor and ah'd been on the hoy earlier on so they were a back up for the always reliable 'sword of Ryder', not that ah'd need it of course! Anyways, the lass who had fell for me charms and especially me famous smooth patter had to keep getting up to change the bairns nappy and feed it it's bottle which was a right pain in the arse for yours truly, she tried to explain to me what was gannin on but she could barely understand English and eventually, at four in the morning ah managed to get a quick two minutes of tantric bliss and got to the vinegar stroke before the sprog wanted fed again. Ah got back to me ken and ah was oot like a light and slept in! Anyways, luckily for me, Sylvain was still in the Cafe when ah got there half an hour late, stinking of last nights beer, aftershave and Nadia's perfume, not to mention Cow & Gate baby milk. Ah quickly ordered what the French midfield maestro was having and jotted down the gold dust he fed me as ah fed mesel with pain perdu brioche washed doon with cafe au lait. Ah bunged £50 to 'he's' Slyvain 'he probly thinks this song is about him' and hot footed it over to Thomson house to write up a 'I'm raring to go' article from the Frenchman and then headed home to get some much needed kip. Eeee, the life of an Anglo-Italian fanny rat, eh? Lol. Laters.
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By the way, can anyone make sense of the the following?

 

 

French winger Sylvain Marveaux set for another chance at Newcastle United

11:45, 2 NOV 2015 UPDATED 11:45, 2 NOV 2015
BY LEE RYDER
Newcastle United boss Steve McClaren will get another chance to impress in front of watching gaffer during second string run out.

 

http://www.chroniclelive.co.uk/sport/football/football-news/french-winger-sylvain-marveaux-set-10371109

 

:lol:

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http://www.chroniclelive.co.uk/sport/football/football-news/mike-ashley-invest-newcastle-united-10440945

 

http://www.chroniclelive.co.uk/sport/football/football-news/kevin-keegan-well-smashed-head-10436228

The secret diary of Lee Ryder aged 44 and a half

13/11/2015

Well diary, here’s me on the top of the North-East pole when it comes to the ‘United beat’ as me old mentor Alan ‘Olly’ Oliver used to call it, on the top rung trying to keep the rest at bay, and it seems every year there’s a new pretender out to try to snatch me crown. Ah gets to work this morning and ah’d barely got me arse down on me chair when Gibbo walks up to iz with a young’un in tow. “Alreet, Gibbo? Fuck me, is it work experience already? The years flew. Is the kid on his works experience? Alreet, son? What school do yi gan tee?” Gibbo stopped iz and said that the bairn was the Ronny’s latest sports writer, a kid called Chris Waugh. Fuck me, ah thought! He’s just a bairn, but bairn or no bairn, the man, or should ah say, boy, who would be King, would soon be after my top perch at Thomson House’s Sports section. Gibbo then showed me his piece for tonight’s Chronicle where the cheeky little cunt had tried to copy the Master by writing a non-story from new coach Paul ‘Simma’ Simpson after he’d heard the Toon’s number two on BBC Newcastle’s Total sport! The wide little bastard! Ah’d have to watch this one! Ah then showed the kid my piece for tonight, going back to THAT match at Anfield and getting Pav’s take on the Collymore 4-3 defeat. The kid then said he’d heard ah was great on our club’s past great players and games. Ah gave him the Ryder glare that ah once gave to a Watford fan at Vicarage Road back in me supporting days and said, “Are yee trying to be funny, son? Trying to tek the piss or what? See that fucking award on me desk? The Trinity Mirror regional sports writer of the year award? Ah didn’t get that by writing stories ah heard off the wireless?” Ah actually had done that very thing but when the little twat had got me back up ah wasn’t worried aboot little details like the truth, ah then carried on, “Look here, kidda. When your balls drop, come back to iz, but for now, remember where yi are and who you’re talking to, ah’ve fried much bigger fish than yee’ll ever be!” Gibbo then jumped in and said the kid wasn’t trying to be funny and the lad himself was obviously shiting it as he stammered that he was a big fan of yours truly and meant no offence. After ah’d calmed doon ah’d realised ah probably had gone a bit overboard but the kid had to know who was the real boss was in the NUFC press pack and it was the former toon foot soldier ‘Knght’ Ryder ah’ll the fucking way! Lol. Anyways, time forra pint with me old mate, Mala, the cockeyed tosspot! Ha ha. Laters!

 

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