The Secret Diary of Lee Ryder (aged 44 and a half)

[Howmanheyman 32826]

The secret diary of Lee Ryder aged 44 and a half.

25/1014

 

Should've wrote this yesterday but was busy travelling to to the big smoke for the game with Spurs. The recession is obviously hitting Thomson House as instead of putting us up in Lenny Henry's favourite hotel, they put us in a private run little pokey place just round the corner from Leicester Square. I say 'us' as I have to share with Neil fucking Cameron from The Journal as well! Cams ok, like but when ah says lets hit Soho and deek the fanny he says he's busy preparing for the match then needs to wash his hair, the big puff! Nee idea why he'd want to stay in this dive though, fuck knaas who was here before us but we found loadsa weird photos under the bed of plates of food and some strange looking ginger bloke tekking a photo of himself in a long mirror.

 

 

 

 

 

 

Anyways, ah gans out myself and you know the famous saying, 'Wherever you gan, you'll always meet a Geordie'? Well fuck me! Ah bumps into John Anderson and Mick Lowes! Nottingham Mick and Dubliner Anderson, the scourge of flying left wingers, of course rule the roost on the local airwaves and are down for the commentary of the match tomorrow. "Alreet, John?" ah shouts. He says hello back but doesn't say owt else and starts talking to Lowes. "John, you remember me, Lee Ryder? Ah work for The Chronicle, Ah once asked you a question at a talk-in at the New York & Murton Social club in North Shields, not remember? Ah says how did it feel when you snapped the legs of that Charlton kid an you says, 'Walshy?, good mate of mine, I was gutted', You not remember now, man?" Anyways he says to me that he definitely remembered me but they must be suffering from the same disease as Cams as they reckon they have to get back and get their heads down for an early start. Didn't expect that of Ando, like, as he was tanning the fucking Guinness when ah first spotted him. Anyways, ah gets a chinkees and head back as it looks like ahm ganna by meself if ah stay out. Ryder and out.

Edited October 26, 2014 by Howmanheyman

[Alex 34913]

[McFaul 35]

He's an odd bod isn't he. Now I appreciate he MAY NOT write the headlines, but even the text suggests that Ayoze said Newcastle have turned the corner, then there's the quotes and he's said nothing like that at all. A bloke who writes suffering unbelievable hangovers in my view.

 

http://www.chroniclelive.co.uk/sport/football/football-news/ayoze-perez-wins-spanish-awards-8009397

[Howmanheyman 32826]

http://www.chroniclelive.co.uk/sport/football/football-news/newcastle-united-always-me-says-8035396?

 

 

Sunday Sun columnist Pavel Srnicek urges current crop of Magpies to go for it and do something his Newcastle United team couldn't.

I may live and work in Prague but even though I am hundreds of miles away from Tyneside, Newcastle United is always with me.

In Prague, we have lots of magpies in the city and every time I see one I think of Newcastle. The other week I was on my balcony in the afternoon sun and a magpie landed by my feet. Just at that second my phone went, and it was a journalist from Newcastle asking me for a favour.

He wanted my help for a piece he was doing on the 1995/96 season but he also told me his friend was coming to Prague for a stag do and would I come out for a drink with them to watch the Newcastle match?

 

 

The secret diary of Lee Ryder aged 44 and a half.

28/10/2014

Ah bumped into me old schoolmate, cockeyed Mala, while I was buying a saveloy dip from Dicksons for me dinner a couple of days ago and he mentions that he's off to Prague and if ah could mebbees give Pav a ring so's the lads could have a pint with him somewhere? Ah hear Mala's sis, Sonia has divorced and she was canny smart back in the day so a Ryder plan starts to come together and just like Hannibal from the A-Team, ah'm going to love it. Ah was struggling a bit for me write up as the NUFC ban was starting to cramp my style and even Stevie Taylor was a bit more shy now he's getting a game again, so inadvented, err, inadverted, err, completely by accident, Mala gives me a great idea to fill the back page with an easy story and get in his good books so he can put a word in with Sonia! Mala might be cockeyed but when it comes to NUFC articles and tapping the fanny, Ryder has twenty fucking twenty vision. Before ah gets the train down to Manchester for the tie of the round, Man City superstars v Newcastle Utd's likely lads, Ah get Pav's number from Ollies little desperate black book and give him a ring. Ah tell Pav that Alan Oliver is my Dad and could he meet me mates for a bevvy? Pav's cush and agrees as well as giving me permission to put his name to whatever shite ah put in the Chronicle. Belta! Ah bells Mala and tell him where to gan to meet the former Toon shot stopper and gets Sonia's number back in a text! After that it's a pretty mixed night, on the one hand, Rolando, Moussa and Ryan Taylor have a night to remember alongside 3,000 deliourass, deliaress, ecstatic Geordies, on the other, Sonia texts me back saying she's going out with a sales rep from the Jennings dealership in Gateshead. Bastard.

[Monkeys Fist 42129]

[Howay 12496]

[Sonatine 11329]

[Monkeys Fist 42129]

"Cockeyed Mala"

[Alex 34913]

Class that like.

[Tom 14011]

It needs it's own page tbh

[Howmanheyman 32826]

The secret diary of Lee Ryder aged 44 and a half.

01/11/2014

 

Another day, another dollar, another day of feeding the monster that is the Toon Army with their never ending appetite for all things NUFC. Ah decided ah'd go a bit retro again, and like Kylie, Ah'd 'step back in time' to 1991 and a certain Argentinian, who, like Pards recently, gave youth a chance, yep Osvaldo Ardiles, or Ossie to the Toon Army. Ah get his number out of the little desperate black book and give him a ring. When he finds out ah'm from the Chronicle he wants to talk to his old friend, 'Meesta Geebson'. Ah tells him it's ok he can talk to me but he's not having fucking any of it, so eventually ah just tell him that John Gibson died in a boating accident in Leazes Park and I had power of attorny over all his articles as his Grandson. After five minutes of tears and sobs over Gibbo ah get all the crack ah need on the likes of Thommo, Robbie Elliott, Stevie Watson and future NUFC boss-in-waiting, Lee Clark. As ah leave the Thomson House ah pass the 'late' Gibbo as he has an appointment with Mr Glenfiddich in The Bacchus.

 

Anyway, the most important thing today is getting invited to be on the 'Total Sport' show on BBC radio Newcastle with Simon Pride, ex-Newcastle right back, Woah Johnny, Johnny, Johnny Anderson and according to the shows reseacher, other 'carefully selected' North-East sports media reporters including yours truly. Ah looks forward to debating NUFC stuff with the likes of Niall Hickman, George Caulkin, Simon 'JFK's cunt' Bird or Luke Edwards when ah get there, it'll be good practice for when ah finally get on Sky's 'Sunday Supplement'. Anyway ah get shown into the studio and who are the other 'carefully selected' North-East sports media reporters? Fucking Steve Wraith and the True bastard Geordie! Ah cannot believe they'd get me on the show with these deadbeats. Honestly, ah cannot get a word in edgeways, True Geordie starts ranting and the beepometer on BBC radio Newcastle goes through the roof, then when he lets up, Steve Wraith starts talking about his chats with former NUFC FA youth cup winning striker, Joe Allon before going on a twenty minute monologue on the Fucking Krays and their 'Geordie connection'. Ah says "what Connection is that, Steve? Did they watch an episode of Auf Wiedersehen Pet in Maidstone Prison?" Next thing we're face to face, former bouncer Wraith and former Toon Army foot soldier Ryder. Anyhows, John Anderson steps in and threatens to chin us both if we don't sit down so we respect the Legend and cool off. Ah still can't get over these two getting on the same show as me, like. The BBC must be dumbing down.

[Bombadil 0]

Excellent

[McFaul 35]

 

The secret diary of Lee Ryder aged 44 and a half.

01/11/2014

 

Another day, another dollar, another day of feeding the monster that is the Toon Army with their never ending appetite for all things NUFC. Ah decided ah'd go a bit retro again, and like Kylie, Ah'd 'step back in time' to 1991 and a certain Argentinian, who, like Pards recently, gave youth a chance, yep Osvaldo Ardiles, or Ossie to the Toon Army. Ah get his number out of the little desperate black book and give him a ring. When he finds out ah'm from the Chronicle he wants to talk to his old friend, 'Meesta Geebson'. Ah tells him it's ok he can talk to me but he's not having fucking any of it, so eventually ah just tell him that John Gibson died in a boating accident in Leazes Park and I had power of attorny over all his articles as his Grandson. After five minutes of tears and sobs over Gibbo ah get all the crack ah need on the likes of Thommo, Robbie Elliott, Stevie Watson and future NUFC boss-in-waiting, Lee Clark. As ah leave the Thomson House ah pass the 'late' Gibbo as he has an appointment with Mr Glenfiddich in The Bacchus.

 

Anyway, the most important thing today is getting invited to be on the 'Total Sport' show on BBC radio Newcastle with Simon Pride, ex-Newcastle right back, Woah Johnny, Johnny, Johnny Anderson and according to the shows reseacher, other 'carefully selected' North-East sports media reporters including yours truly. Ah looks forward to debating NUFC stuff with the likes of Niall Hickman, George Caulkin, Simon 'JFK's cunt' Bird or Luke Edwards when ah get there, it'll be good practice for when ah finally get on Sky's 'Sunday Supplement'. Anyway ah get shown into the studio and who are the other 'carefully selected' North-East sports media reporters? Fucking Steve Wraith and the True bastard Geordie! Ah cannot believe they'd get me on the show with these deadbeats. Honestly, ah cannot get a word in edgeways, True Geordie starts ranting and the beepometer on BBC radio Newcastle goes through the roof, then when he lets up, Steve Wraith starts talking about his chats with former NUFC FA youth cup winning striker, Joe Allon before going on a twenty minute monologue on the Fucking Krays and their 'Geordie connection'. Ah says "what Connection is that, Steve? Did they watch an episode of Auf Wiedersehen Pet in Maidstone Prison?" Next thing we're face to face, former bouncer Wraith and former Toon Army foot soldier Ryder. Anyhows, John Anderson steps in and threatens to chin us both if we don't sit down so we respect the Legend and cool off. Ah still can't get over these two getting on the same show as me, like. The BBC must be dumbing down.

 

 

Brilliant.

 

Nearly as good as HIS bits in the paper the other day suggesting Newcastle and Liverpool have one of the friendliest bonds anywhere in football.

[Howmanheyman 32826]

http://captiongenerator.com/25553/The-Ryder-Diaries

[Sonatine 11329]

[Tom 14011]

Amazing scenes

[Monkeys Fist 42129]

[Howmanheyman 32826]

Preferred the old title. Sniff.

[David Kelly 1224]

http://captiongenerator.com/25553/The-Ryder-Diaries

Brilliant

[Tom 14011]

Preferred the old title. Sniff.

Ah sorry

[Howmanheyman 32826]

http://www.themag.co.uk/the-mag-articles/newcastle-midfielder-tells-banned-paper-stop-making-stories-vurnon-anita/?

 

 

Newcastle midfielder tells banned paper to stop making up stories about him

5 hours ago by Jim Robertson

Newcastle midfielder Vurnon Anita has used social media to hit back at press reports, which claim he has informed Newcastle United he is unhappy at being left out of the team and then told to ‘knuckle down’ by the club.

The Dutch international seemingly reacting to a story ran by the Chronicle this morning claiming inside knowledge as to what had allegedly transpired between player and club.

vurnon anitaThe Chronicle story had produced a large number of negative comments aimed at the player, after they claimed he’d kicked off with the club.

‘Vurnon Anita has been told to knuckle down and work hard if he wants to win his first-team place back at Newcastle United.

The Chronicle understands that Anita was unhappy after being left out of recent wins against Manchester City and Liverpool, and communicated his feelings to the club about the subject.

However, like all United players, Anita must now earn the right for a place in the side.’

Anita replying via Twitter;

“Stop making up story’s!! let’s keep on winning #NUFC’

 

The secret diary of Lee Ryder aged 44 and a half.

05/10/2014

 

Well diary, ah had a bit of a field trip today in the never ending quest to keep my readers up to date with all things black & white, where did ah gan, eh? St. James' Park? Benton training ground? a NUFC presser? Nah, none of that shit, Ryder's well ahead of the game, ah set off to the Metrocentre to kill two birds with one stone, one is to get some NUFC info, the other is to get me Mam something forra birthday. Ah walk into Nando's to get some scran and then eat and wait, ah wait to grab a surprise interview with the first player that I see in there. Ah'm no mug, ah knaa there'll be one along soon, there always is. Ah'm halfway through me Butterfly Burger, a freshly baked Portuguese roll loaded with skin-on, flame-grilled chicken breasts, topped with tomato and lettuce. It's big. It's available on its own or with 1 or 2 regular sides. Ah plumps for garlic bread and fries on the side and have the chicken extra hot as what's the point in being a fanny? Anyway, as ah says, ah'm halfway through it when bingo! Mehdi Abeid walks in! Ah grabs me plate and sits next to him, "Mehdi!, How's it going, mate? Great game the other day, mate! Fucking class you looked." Abeid starts to say something about fancying a Burger King instead and is about to make a sharp exit when ah have to interrupt him as ah spot a little black waiter walking past the table, "How! Chief! Can you give iz another bottle of Sagres beer? Cheers, Sinbad!" All of a sudden, the 'Waiter' stares at me and says, "IT'S YOU!!" Ah then look at him properly and fuck me, it's only Vurnon Anita! Bastard! Ah'd only written a story about him being sick at being dropped and kicking Pard's door down. It was my nark, Remi streete who told me but ah was only half listening and it turns out it was a pile of shite. Anyways, 'Big' Vurns doing his nut. "You are a dishgrashe to your profeshhhsion! How could I kick ze door down when I am only five foot four, for shure." I bite the bullet and leave hoping for better luck later on. I do however, manage to buy me Mam a nice vase from the Swarovski shop so it wasn't a totally wasted trip. The chicken butterfly was canny anarl. Laters.

[The Fish 10779]

[PaddockLad 17124]

It was my nark, Remi streete

 

[Tom 14011]

[trophyshy 7073]

 

Looking like wor Lee might have a future as a food critic.