StoneColdStephenIreland 74 Posted January 22, 2015 Share Posted January 22, 2015 Top class stuff Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PaddockLad 17736 Posted January 22, 2015 Share Posted January 22, 2015 In this new Geordie Glasnost Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trophyshy 7084 Posted January 23, 2015 Share Posted January 23, 2015 palpob. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Howmanheyman 33950 Posted February 1, 2015 Share Posted February 1, 2015 01/02/2015 “Everywhere you go, You always take Cabella with you, Everywhere you go, You always take Cabella.” That was the crack in me Hull 0-3 Newcastle United write up ah’d finished the night before as Johnny Carver's Black & White Army got a tremendous away win. Ah knaa me loyal readers not only want the statistics and goals but they love me writing the Toon Army songs sung in the game and as one of them myself, I give them what they want. As ah got up the next day ah went to leave the house to get The Sunday Sun when ah noticed a parcel made up of newspapers on me front step. Ah took it inside, opened it up and it fucking reeked! It was a fish with a note on it! This is what it said; “Don’t print the ‘Dummet stands with the fans’ story. Or else!” Fuck me! Ah was gobsmacked! First off ah’d completely forgotten seeing big Dums in with the Toon Army so excited was ah about our win and secondly, who was trying to warn me and what did the fish package mean? Ah phoned up the Thomson House Crime reporter, Sophie Doughty for some advice, “Hallo, is that Sophie? It’s Lee…..What? Lee. Lee Ryder.” Ah tells her. She then replied that she thought ah was dead canny but she’d just finished a relationship and was going to chill for a while. “Nar, you don’t understand” ah says, “Ah’m not asking you out this time, ah need some crime advice!” Ah telt her about the fish and the message and she agreed to give me the number of one of her crime snouts, a bloke called ‘Billy the Fib.’ Ah phoned him up and telt him who ah was and where ah worked and promised him Sophie would sub him a tenner next time she saw him so he agreed to play ball. He said the Fish in a paper was an old North Shields message. He asked me if I knew any Haddocks? Ah said me Ma’s dog was called ‘Peter Haddock’ which ah named when ah was a young’un after the former Magpie Geordie defender. Billy the Fib said that was it then, he gans, “It means that if you print the Dummet with the fans story, ‘Peter Haddock’ will sleep with the real haddocks!” Fucking hell! Ah was being warned and Peter Haddock was in real trouble if ah went ahead with the story! Ah put the phone down and noticed a car slowly driving past and a man in his late twenties with a cream suit and a cream fedora hat on look in at me. Ah could’ve swore it was the Geordie hero, Stevie Taylor! Funny enough, later on he phoned me up and when ah told him about the fish he said he wasn’t saying it WAS him and he wasn’t saying it WASN’T him but if ah wanted anymore exclusive Steven Taylor interviews ah’d drop the ‘Dummet standing with the Toon Army’ kind of stories. When ah asked him why he was bothered the colossal Toon defender broke down and wept that he was the one who wanted to be the fans number one. Ah asked if he’d spoken to anyone about his worries and he told me he’d only told the Samaritans in a midnight phone call. “What did they say to you, Tayls?” ah said. “The Samaritan said he couldn’t take any more of my patter and told me he was away to jump off the Tyne Bridge.” Taylor replied. Anyways, ah smoothed it out with the Cullercoats Legend and promised ah’d mysteriously lose the Dummet story but gain a lifetime of Steven Taylor exclusives instead which was a hell of a result if ah say so meself. Ah just know my loyal readers will be beside themselves with antitic, antipash, will be really looking forward to reading all about the future England Captain’s thoughts. Laters. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
PaddockLad 17736 Posted February 1, 2015 Share Posted February 1, 2015 me Ma’s dog was called ‘Peter Haddock’ Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Kitman 2207 Posted February 1, 2015 Share Posted February 1, 2015 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Monkeys Fist 43224 Posted February 1, 2015 Share Posted February 1, 2015 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Howay 12496 Posted February 1, 2015 Share Posted February 1, 2015 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alex 35664 Posted February 3, 2015 Share Posted February 3, 2015 That was the crack in me Hull 0-3 Newcastle United write up ah’d finished the night before Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ayatollah Hermione 14094 Posted February 3, 2015 Share Posted February 3, 2015 The biggest compliment I can give you, son, is this.......if you weren't writing for the Chronicle, you'd be first in queue to buy it on a Monday morning Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr Gloom 22193 Posted February 3, 2015 Share Posted February 3, 2015 ryder bidding for a job at sky sports news. jesus fucking titty wept, this is beyond awful. ryder's wise words of analysis: "losing santon no big deal" http://www.chroniclelive.co.uk/sport/football/transfer-news/transfer-deadline-day-lee-ryder-8566870 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Howmanheyman 33950 Posted February 3, 2015 Share Posted February 3, 2015 ryder bidding for a job at sky sports news. jesus fucking titty wept, this is beyond awful. ryder's wise words of analysis: "losing santon no big deal" http://www.chroniclelive.co.uk/sport/football/transfer-news/transfer-deadline-day-lee-ryder-8566870 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Howmanheyman 33950 Posted February 4, 2015 Share Posted February 4, 2015 http://www.chroniclelive.co.uk/sport/football/football-news/newcastle-uniteds-mike-williamson-made-8576393? Newcastle United's Mike Williamson has made it to five years at St James' Park - something few do This week United great Peter Beardsley stated that any budding young Toon player can’t consider themselves a star until they’ve played at least 50 games - no matter what they are driving or how big a tattoo they have. Well, Williamson has now clocked 155 games at United, he’s tackled players on a muddy pitch at Peterborugh’s London Road and grappled the stars of Benfica in a crazy five year period. Former boss Alan Pardew once queried why Williamson didn’t have his own song from supporters. But that changed last season when the Toon Army churned out: “Here’s to you Mike Williamson” on the concourses of Selhurst Park before a 3-0 win. After beating Hull City 3-0, he feels the club can embark on another great run. He said: “It’s a nice feeling and it’s been a while but I thought the boys were fantastic. “We have the quality to come to a tough place like Hull, who are fighting for their lives, and get a complete performance.” And in recently appointed head coach John Carver in charge Williamson reckons United have the right man for the task in hand.He said: “The gaffer has told us to ‘kick on’ and ‘push for it’ and not let the season fizzle out. We aren’t looking at mid-table. “Hopefully we can carry it on against Stoke in what will be a tough game, but we know we can have a good finish. He’s got so much experience. Five years on from making his debut at St James’ Park, Williamson is still believing. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ayatollah Hermione 14094 Posted February 4, 2015 Share Posted February 4, 2015 (edited) That's got absolutely nowt to do with him being here five years either No mention of his actual performances here, no analysis, nowt. Just printing quotes about a game that happened last Saturday. Edited February 4, 2015 by Ayatollah Hermione Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
David Kelly 1260 Posted February 4, 2015 Share Posted February 4, 2015 That's got absolutely nowt to do with him being here five years either No mention of his actual performances here, no analysis, nowt. Just printing quotes about a game that happened last Saturday.Come on, you didn't expect an in depth analysis or insider knowledge did you? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Fish 10978 Posted February 4, 2015 Share Posted February 4, 2015 Well, Williamson has now clocked 155 games at United, he’s tackled players on a muddy pitch at Peterborugh’s London Road and grappled the stars of Benfica in a crazy five year period. Former boss Alan Pardew once queried why Williamson didn’t have his own song from supporters. But that changed last season when the Toon Army churned out: “Here’s to you Mike Williamson” on the concourses of Selhurst Park before a 3-0 win. Are we sure HowmanHeyman didn't write this? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ayatollah Hermione 14094 Posted February 4, 2015 Share Posted February 4, 2015 Come on, you didn't expect an in depth analysis or insider knowledge did you? Not especially, no. But that's a particularly strong example of how shite his stuff is. No wonder they can't get anybody to read the Chronicle's web site. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
trophyshy 7084 Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 Are we sure HowmanHeyman didn't write this? THE SECRET DIARY OF HOWMANHEYMAN Hah, Dear Diary - another day, another sucker reeled in. Once again ah used me cunning sudo, sudoe, sussudio, erm, other name to kid all those so-called smart arses over on toontastic. Ah have them all hanging out the palm of me hand, little do they realise that I actually AM the one and only Sports Writer of the Geordie Nation, Toon Army Major General, Lee Ryder himsel, and not just some joker pretending to be me. The joke is well and truly on them. As if I'd ever let mesel be photographed flying me kite on a lilo! This is the best double bluff since I told me mam I wanted My Little Pony for Christmas thereby enshuring that I definitely didn't get any girl presents and instead got a BMX, loads of Action Men and 3 month councilling off that funny smelling weirdo from Jesmond. Anyway, ahve seen all their shergarnigans over the years, stealing money from charity, putting sexy notes in newspapers (WHAT SORT OF SICKO WOULD DEE THIS TO THE PAPERS MAN?!) and stalking people and then infecting their computers with them Tolkien horses. Well the last laugh is on them, I mean me, because I have been nicking their ideas for gossip, insight and outright bollocks for years AND AM THE ONLY ONE GETTING PAID! Some of them mugs even pay toward the upkeep of the stupid site, which is more or less like pouring beer straight into me mouth! Which, by the way, I'm just off to do now with me big mate Jak Alnwick, ahs offered to give him some tips on taking a dive for the team - just like I do every day for me beloved Ronny Gil. Laters. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ewerk 31237 Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
The Fish 10978 Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 (edited) Edited February 5, 2015 by The Fish Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Anorthernsoul 1221 Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 This thread is fan-fucking-tastic. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Alex 35664 Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Howmanheyman 33950 Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 Sussed at last! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ayatollah Hermione 14094 Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 You've probably hit the nail on the head with him trawling here for ideas to fill the paper, mind. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Happy Face 29 Posted February 5, 2015 Share Posted February 5, 2015 http://www.chroniclelive.co.uk/sport/football/transfer-news/transfer-deadline-day-lee-ryder-8566870 Didn't watch the video but from the still it's either an Eastenders episode from 15 years ago or Right Said Fred are staging a comeback. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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