What mood are you in and why?

[The Fish 10743]

2 hours ago, Renton said:

 

On paper I have everything going for me. But in reality I just can't cope. 

First bit doesn't matter a bit. 

 

I got my first diagnosis of high anxiety and severe depression about two decades ago. First therapist reckons I've had it longer but it just went undiagnosed. I had a happy home life, comfortable upbringing, went to Uni, had great friends, was doing well in courses etc. Compared to others I had no reason to feel depressed but I was. 

 

Since then I've had periods of my life which have been 'rough' or stressful and so it's obvious as to why I was feeling anxious or depressed. Other times when everything is going well and POW I'm floored by it. I've a very clear memory of sitting on a beach in western Australia, sea breeze gently cooling my sun kissed* head, cold beer in hand, and sobbing like relegated mackem. An ouroboros of sadness and guilt/shame for feeling sad when I've nowt to be sad about and so on and so on. 

 

I couldn't cope with that nonsense, you're having to cope with real things. And you will. Because you're smart, and rational and not just a doppelganger for Gordon Ramsay. You see there's an issue, you're looking for ways to address it, you're asking for help. Those three things are huge and you shouldn't downplay or dismiss them.

 

 

 

 

*fucking incinerated.

[Renton 21307]

Cheers. Had a long talk to my mate and my mum. Course of action is to seek help immediately from the GP, do whatever I need to do to quit the booze fot good, and concentrate on my relationships. Today will be the hardest day for me. I'm rattling like fuck now. Hope I still have a job next week, I've been useless this year so far. I fucking hate myself truth be told but I know I'm loved by those who matter. Cheers all. 

[Meenzer 15405]

3 hours ago, Christmas Tree said:

@Meenzer I might be remembering a load of bollocks, but didn’t you say at the time that starting the park runs helped you “switch one addiction for a better addiction”?

 

Definitely sounds like the kind of thing I'd say. Mind, I had to shift at least 20kg of vodka-infused timber before running was an option.  

 

 

2 hours ago, Renton said:

Doesn't help that alcohol is everywhere either. Got a works do in 2 weeks and will have to make excuses. Not looking forward to it. 

 

Not saying it'll necessarily be like this for you, but I found this got (a bit!) easier once I had properly given up, rather than just trying to have a bit of time off here and there. You can make it your thing, say it out loud so other people become aware of it, even be a bit absurd about it. For a while my standard bar order was "what's your most ridiculous soft drink?". There's nothing quite like making your mates come back from the bar with five beers and a Fentiman's Rose Lemonade.

 

Either way, it's more definitive and while there'll always be some people who still want you to drink with them to justify their own drinking, these days most people absolutely get it. You don't owe them an explanation and nor should one be expected. Saying you're looking after your health or doing it for the kids or just "I'm too old for hangovers" is absolutely fine really. No one needs to know the full story. And if that feels like too much, just say "doctor's orders!" and have a follow-up line in your pocket about being on antibiotics or something. Plenty of ways to navigate the social pressure as long as you're willing to navigate yourself in the first place.

 

  

13 minutes ago, The Fish said:

You see there's an issue, you're looking for ways to address it, you're asking for help. Those three things are huge and you shouldn't downplay or dismiss them.

 

As much as it pains me to agree with the Fish, he's spot on. There's lots of people never even get this far. Keep digging, there's gold in them hills  

 

[Gemmill 44393]

Good luck Renton. I knew you were having a really tough time but don't think I realised til now just how tough. Hope your GP provides the help you need. 

[Renton 21307]

3 hours ago, Meenzer said:

 

Definitely sounds like the kind of thing I'd say. Mind, I had to shift at least 20kg of vodka-infused timber before running was an option.  

 

 

 

Not saying it'll necessarily be like this for you, but I found this got (a bit!) easier once I had properly given up, rather than just trying to have a bit of time off here and there. You can make it your thing, say it out loud so other people become aware of it, even be a bit absurd about it. For a while my standard bar order was "what's your most ridiculous soft drink?". There's nothing quite like making your mates come back from the bar with five beers and a Fentiman's Rose Lemonade.

 

Either way, it's more definitive and while there'll always be some people who still want you to drink with them to justify their own drinking, these days most people absolutely get it. You don't owe them an explanation and nor should one be expected. Saying you're looking after your health or doing it for the kids or just "I'm too old for hangovers" is absolutely fine really. No one needs to know the full story. And if that feels like too much, just say "doctor's orders!" and have a follow-up line in your pocket about being on antibiotics or something. Plenty of ways to navigate the social pressure as long as you're willing to navigate yourself in the first place.

 

  

 

As much as it pains me to agree with the Fish, he's spot on. There's lots of people never even get this far. Keep digging, there's gold in them hills  

 

 

Thanks so much. Yes, times have changed. I've opened up to my wife, my best "RL" mate and my mum this afternoon alone. And you guys too, obviously. Having said that I'm drinking moderately tonight to get me through this. Will make me worse tomorrow but needs must. Tomorrow I'll start my recovery. Again. I actually need people who know me to say what the fuck are you doing? My mum and wife will certainly do this, as will my mates. One question though I have is how the hell do you go out "on the piss on" soft drinks. Apart from anything else, I can't drink more than two soft drinks. And no meal lasts longer than a couple of hours.  Beer, my capacity is seemingly infinite. Coffee. One max. 

 

One other question, do I fess up to my GP and what are the repercussions of this? Insurance etc. Mind, I've just had a full blood screen so will take it from there I guess. I reckon my liver may be a bit fucked right now but doubt its irreparable considering my frequent alcohol holidays. I'll figure it out. 

[Meenzer 15405]

I told my GP and it's very much on my medical record - I must admit I hadn't thought about what that might mean further downstream, though I'm not aware of it having caused me any problems yet. "Your mileage may vary" and all that, though.

 

One of the first things my GP told me was that the liver is remarkably good at self-repair, so even if your readings are up now (mine certainly were), they'll definitely come back round again.

 

1 hour ago, Renton said:

One question though I have is how the hell do you go out "on the piss on" soft drinks.

 

Variety is the key for me. Alcohol-free beers are so, so much better and more readily available than they used to be, so that can see me through a night in the pub quite nicely. Tonic or bitter lemon as an aperitif. A tomato juice with tons of Worcester and Tabasco to force you to sip it slowly. Crodino is lush if you can source it - decent Italian restaurants often have it. The occasional mug of tea in the middle of a busy pub, just to fuck with people's expectations. And mocktails, dahling, mocktails! Even the chain restaurants have all kinds of interesting alcohol-free things on their menus now - Pizza Express do various long drinks with Seedlip etc. And hipster places adore waxing lyrical about how authentic their alcohol-free IPAs are or how they've sourced this extra special kombucha that definitely doesn't taste like every other kombucha. I promise you, your future is not two glasses of weak pub-tap Diet Coke and then home again.

 

That said, if I'm out for the night, the truth is there will be a point, maybe about four drinks in, where I'm aware of everyone else getting drunker and less interesting and I start weighing up my options for making my exit. There's only so much you can take while sober. But honestly, at our age who has more than a few hours' worth of stuff to say to people anyway?  

[Renton 21307]

1 hour ago, Meenzer said:

I told my GP and it's very much on my medical record - I must admit I hadn't thought about what that might mean further downstream, though I'm not aware of it having caused me any problems yet. "Your mileage may vary" and all that, though.

 

One of the first things my GP told me was that the liver is remarkably good at self-repair, so even if your readings are up now (mine certainly were), they'll definitely come back round again.

 

 

Variety is the key for me. Alcohol-free beers are so, so much better and more readily available than they used to be, so that can see me through a night in the pub quite nicely. Tonic or bitter lemon as an aperitif. A tomato juice with tons of Worcester and Tabasco to force you to sip it slowly. Crodino is lush if you can source it - decent Italian restaurants often have it. The occasional mug of tea in the middle of a busy pub, just to fuck with people's expectations. And mocktails, dahling, mocktails! Even the chain restaurants have all kinds of interesting alcohol-free things on their menus now - Pizza Express do various long drinks with Seedlip etc. And hipster places adore waxing lyrical about how authentic their alcohol-free IPAs are or how they've sourced this extra special kombucha that definitely doesn't taste like every other kombucha. I promise you, your future is not two glasses of weak pub-tap Diet Coke and then home again.

 

That said, if I'm out for the night, the truth is there will be a point, maybe about four drinks in, where I'm aware of everyone else getting drunker and less interesting and I start weighing up my options for making my exit. There's only so much you can take while sober. But honestly, at our age who has more than a few hours' worth of stuff to say to people anyway?  

 

Good point.

Got my last drink in front of me now. Its obviously not my last drink like. I know I will relapse. I always do. But the time frames get longer. Don't know what it was like for you Meenz, but half the time I am more obsessed by not drinking than fucking drinking. 57 days without a drink! Cool, I clearly don't have a problem. But the fact I'm obsessed and count every day shows I am. Being "normal" like my friends doesn't cut it any more. There's a difference. Half genetic, half acquired with me. 

 

Your experience has been pretty invaluable today to me. I'll take it all on board. Sincere thanks. And everyone else. 

[ewerk 30266]

1 hour ago, Renton said:

 

Thanks so much. Yes, times have changed. I've opened up to my wife, my best "RL" mate and my mum this afternoon alone. And you guys too, obviously. Having said that I'm drinking moderately tonight to get me through this. Will make me worse tomorrow but needs must. Tomorrow I'll start my recovery. Again. I actually need people who know me to say what the fuck are you doing? My mum and wife will certainly do this, as will my mates. One question though I have is how the hell do you go out "on the piss on" soft drinks. Apart from anything else, I can't drink more than two soft drinks. And no meal lasts longer than a couple of hours.  Beer, my capacity is seemingly infinite. Coffee. One max. 

 

One other question, do I fess up to my GP and what are the repercussions of this? Insurance etc. Mind, I've just had a full blood screen so will take it from there I guess. I reckon my liver may be a bit fucked right now but doubt its irreparable considering my frequent alcohol holidays. I'll figure it out. 

I know fuck all really about what you’re going through and about as much about alcoholism.

 

But is alcohol really your problem? Is it not a symptom of your other issues? 
 

Again, I might be completely wrong here and staying off the drink while you work on this is 100% advisable I think you need to concentrate on your depression. You can go off the drink for months so do that now and use the sober time to assess and address your situation rather than using alcohol as a reason for why you’re feeling the way you are.

 

But most importantly you need to speak to a professional. Start with your GP but really speak to a specialist i.e. a therapist or a support group like Meenzer suggested.

 

Your depression leads to alcohol and the alcohol leads to depression. That doesn’t mean you can’t have a healthy relationship with alcohol in the future but that’s a situation to be addressed once your mental health is in a better place.

[Kid Dynamite 6986]

13 hours ago, Renton said:

One thing is for sure, I need to stop drinking. The depression it precipitates is something else. I can stop for weeks at a time, but then I invariably go on a bender which fucks me up. I get cravings which are insane. Any tips on how to stop completely would be greatly appreciated @Meenzer. The thought of not drinking again is pretty depressing tbh but for me the negatives now greatly outweigh the positives. What a shit place to be in. 

Being a straight edge soldier is a good start 👍

[Renton 21307]

46 minutes ago, ewerk said:

I know fuck all really about what you’re going through and about as much about alcoholism.

 

But is alcohol really your problem? Is it not a symptom of your other issues? 
 

Again, I might be completely wrong here and staying off the drink while you work on this is 100% advisable I think you need to concentrate on your depression. You can go off the drink for months so do that now and use the sober time to assess and address your situation rather than using alcohol as a reason for why you’re feeling the way you are.

 

But most importantly you need to speak to a professional. Start with your GP but really speak to a specialist i.e. a therapist or a support group like Meenzer suggested.

 

Your depression leads to alcohol and the alcohol leads to depression. That doesn’t mean you can’t have a healthy relationship with alcohol in the future but that’s a situation to be addressed once your mental health is in a better place.

 

It's a fair point like. It is chicken and egg. I personally think alcohol is a major issue for me, but not the causative one, if that makes sense. If i don't drink for weeks, I'm flat. Not happy, not really unhappy. No joy, no bad sadness either. Fucking love feeling okay every morning though, that is a huge bonus. But if I drink, I suffer cut my own wrists depression in the morning. Even after a couple nowadays. But I love it when I'm drinking, I feel fucking great. So it's a roller coaster, but my God the lows are so low and much longer than the highs.

 

Personally I think everything you do in life has to be balanced. If it's taking more from you than it gives, don't do it. I'm at that stage now. Meenz got there years ago clearly, ot maybe was more self aware. Another thing.  Stopping drinking is much easier than moderating. It's a twat of a drug, available everywhere. Its powerful. Compared to other drugs its consumed in insane molar quantities. That makes it dangerous.

 

Well, off to bed now. Will I have crippling insomnia tonight? Probably. Might last days. Got to be done though. Not looking forward to it. 

[Craig 6682]

Ian, I can't say any more than others have already said. You're in a dark place but use those around you, especially those of us on here, as the light. We might absolutely rip the piss out of each other on a daily basis but I think I can speak for everyone when I say it is just the surface. Most of us have been in an out of this place for almost 17 years now. We wouldn't do that if we didn't genuinely care for the wellbeing of each other. 

As I've said before, I'm always up for a chat given the horrendous time I went through. It's good to talk, it's even better to listen. 

Stay positive marra. We're all rooting for you to get yourself out of this dark place and if you need digging out, we'll all be there.

[Dr Gloom 21813]

13 hours ago, Renton said:

Even read Allen Carrs book. What a pile of shite that was. 

Holy shit, this is serious. You really do have a problem 

[Renton 21307]

5 minutes ago, Craig said:

Ian, I can't say any more than others have already said. You're in a dark place but use those around you, especially those of us on here, as the light. We might absolutely rip the piss out of each other on a daily basis but I think I can speak for everyone when I say it is just the surface. Most of us have been in an out of this place for almost 17 years now. We wouldn't do that if we didn't genuinely care for the wellbeing of each other. 

As I've said before, I'm always up for a chat given the horrendous time I went through. It's good to talk, it's even better to listen. 

Stay positive marra. We're all rooting for you to get yourself out of this dark place and if you need digging out, we'll all be there.

 

Two things. Its Iain! (scottish) and honestly, I thank you all so much. And third thing Craig, it's great to have you back. But honestly, there's people on this very board that have gone through much worse than this. Maybe you even. 

 

I was talking to Mrs Rents a lot tonight (which is a constant I appreciate you haven't had, even though we are struggling) and we were listing all the shit we've had. Both severely have ill sisters with extreme mental health problems, and severe ramifications from that. One dead, one in the US who honesty might be dead. Then loads of other shit which just wrecks your lives as partners. Nephew crippled in a bus crash. The list just goes on and on. I don't think I'm that unusual in this, as REM says, everybody hurts. If it's not you now, then it's in the post anyway. The human condition. What we are. Sorry, rambling now, definitely logging off now. 

[Craig 6682]

21 minutes ago, Renton said:

 

there's people on this very board that have gone through much worse than this. 

 

Without mentioning names, there are definitely people on this very board who have been through much worse, but never spoke up and then it was too late. That never sat well with me and still doesn't to this day - more than anyone on here will ever know, so the very fact you're not suppressing how you feel and you are speaking up is massively heartwarming. We all want to help.

Sleep well mate.

[Kid Dynamite 6986]

I'm always good for a bit of professional advice if anyone needs to drop me a PM.

 

Quote

Everybody hurts. If it's not you now, then it's in the post anyway.

Never a truer word spoken. That's why it's important to enjoy the good times when you can. Even if you struggle to see them sometimes. 

[Rayvin 5183]

Fucking hell Renton. I dunno what to even say anymore other than to just keep going. You'll get through it mate, you will. Keep talking to people, and don't give up. I really admire you being so open about it.

 

Everyone here is right behind you mate. I've been in therapy for two years - finding the right one is vital. Let me know if you want a recommendation.

[Kid Dynamite 6986]

I could retire early mining this place for business! Is there anyone on here NOT in therapy?  

[PaddockLad 17079]

12 minutes ago, Kid Dynamite said:

I could retire early mining this place for business! Is there anyone on here NOT in therapy?  

 

🙋‍♂️ but I fuckin should be

 

 

[Alex 34846]

14 minutes ago, PaddockLad said:

 

🙋‍♂️ but I fuckin should be

 

 

Likewise  

[Dr Gloom 21813]

23 minutes ago, Kid Dynamite said:

I could retire early mining this place for business! Is there anyone on here NOT in therapy?  

I’m not. I’ve always been quite easy going and comfortable in my own skin. I think I got lucky with the genetics because several members of my family suffer from anxiety and depression. 
 

That said, I was struggling during the pandemic at times feeling a prisoner in my own home, denied a sense of purpose. That’s the most blue I think I’ve ever felt, going back to what you were saying about everybody hurting sometimes. I feel fortunate that in the dark moments it’s never overwhelmed me having witnessed what it can do to loved ones. 
 

Massive respect @Renton for being so open and honest. Things will get better. Hang on in there and keep on talking about it on here if it helps. 

[Gemmill 44393]

I should be for my chronic inferiority complex, but when I thought about it I realised I probably knew more than the therapist anyway. So I struggle on. 

[Alex 34846]

#StayHumble

[Renton 21307]

Dry heaving in front of your kids. Not a great look. Had 4 pints last night, not a huge amount for me, drank slowly, so think this is stress and anxiety rather than just drink. GP wants.to see me on Tuesday so I guess my bloods aren't great. Feel so fucking low. The quicker I get on the mend the better. What an idiot I am. The one piece of advice everyone has given me is look after yourself. Then I do the opposite. Can't eat or even hold down water right now. Oh shit. 

[Howmanheyman 32728]

2 hours ago, PaddockLad said:

 

🙋‍♂️ but I fuckin should be

 

 

+1 I honestly think any therapist I would see would either slap me or need to see their own therapist afterwards like Dr Melfi. 

[Monkeys Fist 42066]

5 hours ago, Howmanheyman said:

Dr Melfi. 

By the way,