North East end of summer awards

[Christmas Tree 4858]

t has been a summer of upheaval and realignment, broken records, departures and destabilisation. The transfer window (and why is it a window, by the way? Why isn’t it a transfer door or a transfer gate? A window implies that a transfer has forgotten its keys and needs to borrow its neighbour’s ladder), closes at 5pm this evening, and this is the place to be for a stupidly premature evaluation which will almost certainly be overtaken by events.

 

In North East terms, the last three months have been, by turns, exciting and traumatic. Sunderland have been expansive participants, spending in excess of £10m on Darren Bent and shoring up their defence with the arrival of Michael Turner from Hull City. Newcastle United have held a fire sale, while Middlesbrough’s policy has been one of judicious selling mingled with protectionism.

 

BEST SIGNING

 

Given the circumstances (at the time of writing, Newcastle have not actually bought anybody), this must be an award with red-and-white ribbons. Bent’s purchase from Tottenham Hotspur was drawn out and divisive, but provided Sunderland with ammunition in attack and simultaneously made a statement about the club’s ambitions under Ellis Short, their new owner.

 

Yet if a single signing could serve as a summary of the qualities Steve Bruce intends to instill in his side, then it is Lee Cattermole. Like his manager, the midfield player had to leave his native region in order to return, but Cattermole personifies the no-nonsense, hard-working, committed and uncompromising attitude that Bruce’s Sunderland will, in time, represent. Tackle, crunch, crowd on their feet, pass, run.

 

TEARFUL FAREWELL AWARD

 

If Alan Shearer had been appointed Newcastle’s manager, would Habib Beye and Sebastien Bassong have left St James’ Park? Beye, in particular, had thrown himself into life on Tyneside and was appalled by the stasis which followed relegation, while Bassong - who transpired to be a superb piece of business by wait for it, wait for it ... Kevin Keegan - improved exponentially during his single season at the club.

 

Stewart Downing left his hometown club for Aston Villa, a move which became inevitable once Middlesbrough went down, but still felt acutely painful. But in terms of whimsy, the £2.75m transfer of Danny Collins to Stoke City pips the others. Collins may have been a link with Sunderland’s relegation teams, but in terms of humanity, his eagerness to improve, his loss will be felt.

 

Collins cost £140,000. His association with poor results and a penchant for collecting opposition shirts saw him struggle for acceptance, but he grafted, rejected Roy Keane’s attempts to sell him and was named Sunderland’s Player of the Year for the last two seasons. Best chant: ‘For Brazil he could play, Danny Collins’. He once had a proper job, making doors and stairs; my dreams of a ‘Stairway to Hebburn’ pun are now over.

 

CHEERFUL FAREWELL AWARD

 

All we wanted was a bit of love; scratch our ears, tickle our tummies. Having paid a club record £16.5m to buy Michael Owen from Real Madrid, having turned up in their thousands to welcome him to St James’, Newcastle supporters craved recognition. His was a ridiculous signing, made at the expense of team-building and Owen was always a reluctant Geordie hero, but the ice in his veins never melted.

 

We in the media exacerbated the distance; he was always ‘England’s Michael Owen’, not Newcastle’s, we explained away his coolness as a refreshing refusal to playing the badge-kissing game when, in reality, it was probably just coolness. Last season, he barely spoke, presuming that his contract situation was of unlimited interest when, as captain, responsibility should have been grasped. He has gone; he was never really here.

 

GRACE UNDER PRESSURE AWARD

 

Newcastle’s regeneration is quite a story, played out to a backdrop of takeover sagas, half-truths, deception, the departure of a full side of first-team players and the lack of a permanent manager. In guiding the club to the top of the Coca Cola Championship and no matter what happens next, Chris Hughton is the undisputed hero of the transfer window/door/gate.

 

ANOTHER AWARD YOU THOUGHT WOULD NEVER BE AWARDED AWARD

 

Acclaim for Shola Ameobi. Alan Smith - man of the match. Half-decent Joey Barton. Kevin Nolan resembling a footballer. The dynamics of what has transpired at Newcastle is compelling, as players who would have been discarded by Shearer, whether the club had stayed up or not, have come together and forged an unlikely bond. If they had signed a few players, it might not have happened.

 

CAUSE FOR WISTFULNESS AWARD

 

A year ago today, Francisco Jimenez Tejada, AKA Xisco, arrived at Newcastle for a fee of £5.7m and wages in excess of £50,000-a-week. Keegan knew nothing about it and so began the extraordinary sequence of events which led to the club’s implosion. Twelve months later, Xisco joins Racing Santander on-loan. It may not be his fault, but there cannot have been a more disastrous transfer in North East football.

 

A RIVAL FOR THE MOST DISASTROUS SIGNING IN NORTH EAST FOOTBALL

 

Actually, come to think of it, Middlesbrough’s signing of Afonso Alves for £12.7m must come close. Other deals (usually at Newcastle; Jean-Alain Boumsong, Albert Luque, Marcelino), have featured huge expense for minimal reward, but the money spent on the Brazilian, when resources were limited on Teesside, arguably pushed the club towards their present predicament. If they can get £7m for him from Al Sadd ... hand bitey time.

 

AND NOW BREATHE AWARD

 

If, as expected, Middlesbrough retain the services of David Wheater and Adam Johnson and Newcastle continue to deflect suitors for Steven Taylor, both clubs will have retained players who hold their respective clubs in their hearts. All three are too accomplished to remain in the Coca Cola Championship and are destined to play fundamental roles over the next nine months.

 

WHY DOES IT ALWAYS COME TO THIS AWARD

 

Every year, every window, there is trepidation. Why are the final hours filled with tension? At the time of writing, Middlesbrough are attempting to get Alves off their books to fund a deal for Rob Hulse, the Derby County striker. The out of contract Danny Webber is another target. Further departures from Sunderland appear likely, with Carlos Edwards and Grant Leadbitter set to join Ipswich Town and Teemu Tainio interesting Birmingham City.

 

Activity at Newcastle will be monitored closely. Loans and free transfers can be pushed through after today, but if Hughton is provided with a little money to spend, as has been mooted, it will be the clearest intimation yet that Mike Ashley is destined to remain in situ for the rest of this season. Everton’s James Vaughan, Gareth Bale, Matthew Kilgannon, Craig Cathcart and Peter Lovenkrands are all on the radar.

 

BEST TWEET

 

Darren Bent, in his own words: “Do I wanna go Hull City NO. Do I wanna go stoke NO do I wanna go sunderland YES so stop f****** around, Levy. Sunderland are not the problem in the slightest."

 

BEST THING ABOUT IT

 

It’s over. Nearly.

[Acid 0]

BEST TWEET

 

Darren Bent, in his own words: “Do I wanna go Hull City NO. Do I wanna go stoke NO do I wanna go sunderland YES so stop f****** around, Levy. Sunderland are not the problem in the slightest."