Edinburgh Festival highlights

[The Fish 10976]

Bit of something to brighten the day, as it's still night...

 

EdinburghFestival Highlights

 

 

 

I realised I was dyslexic when I went to a toga party dressed as a goat.

 

Marcus Brigstocke at the Assembly Rooms

 

 

 

Cats have nine lives. Which makes them ideal for experimentation.

 

Jimmy Carr

 

 

 

The right to bear arms is slightly less ludicrous than the right to arm

bears.

 

Chris Addison at the Pleasance

 

 

 

My dad is Irish and my mum is Iranian, which meant that we spent most of

our family holidays in Customs.

 

Patrick Monahan at the Gilded Balloon

 

 

 

The dodo died. Then Dodi died, Di died and Dando died. Dido must be

shitting herself.

 

Colin & Fergus at the Pleasance

 

 

 

My parents are from Glasgowwhich means they're incredibly hard, but I was

never smacked as a child... well maybe one or two grams to get me to sleep

at night.

 

Susan Murray at the Underbelly

 

 

 

Is it fair to say that there'd be less litter in Britainif blind people

were given pointed sticks?

 

Adam Bloom at the Pleasance

 

 

 

My mum and dad are Scottish but they moved down to Wolverhamptonwhen I was

two, 'cause they wanted me to sound like a tw @ t.

 

Susan Murray at the Underbelly

 

 

 

You have to remember all the trivia that your girlfriend tells you, because

eventually you get tested. She'll go: "What's my favourite flower?" And you

murmur to yourself: "Sh ! t, I wasn't listening... Self-raising?"

 

Addy Van-Der-Borgh at the Assembly Rooms

 

 

 

The world is a dangerous place; only yesterday I went into Boots and

punched someone in the face.

 

Jeremy Limb, at the Trap

 

 

 

I saw that show, 50 Things To Do Before You Die. I would have thought the

obvious one was "Shout For Help".

 

Mark Watson, Rhod Gilbert at the Tron

 

 

 

I went out with an Irish Catholic girl. Very frustrating. You can take the

Girl out of Cork...

 

Markus Birdman at the Pod Deco

 

 

 

Got a phone call today to do a gig at a fire station. Went along. Turned

out it was a f ** king hoax.

 

Adrian Poynton at the Pleasance

 

 

 

Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a

winner and a loser at the same time.

 

Demetri Martin at the Assembly Rooms

 

 

 

A dog goes into a hardware store and says: "I'd like a job please". The

hardware store owner says: "We don't hire dogs, why don't you go join the

circus?" The dog replies: "What would the circus want with a plumber".

 

Steven Alan Green at C34

 

 

 

Hey - you want to feel really handsome? Go shopping at Asda.

 

Brendon Burns at the Pleasance

 

 

 

I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud "I've already got

one!"

 

Norman Lovett at The Stand

 

 

 

It's easy to distract fat people. It's a piece of cake.

 

Chris Addison at the Pleasance

 

 

 

I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I'm not very

good at it.

 

ArnoldBrown at The Stand

 

 

 

If you're being chased by a police dog, try not to go through a tunnel,

then on to a little seesaw, then jump through a hoop of fire. They're

trained for that.

 

Milton Jones at the Underbelly

[Lou 0]

I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud "I've already got

one!"

 

Norman Lovett at The Stand

*sigh* I wish people wouldn't give me ideas......

[Guest alex]

I like to go into the Body Shop and shout out really loud "I've already got

one!"

 

Norman Lovett at The Stand

*sigh* I wish people wouldn't give me ideas......

49134[/snapback]

They sell toiletries/cosmetics though, I thought everyone knew that

[Lou 0]

They do WHAT??!!!

 

Dammit. There goes that plan.

[adios 717]

I enjoy using the comedy technique of self-deprecation - but I'm not very good at it.

 

Arnold Brown at The Stand