Dear Alcohol

[peasepud 59]

Dear Alcohol,

First & foremost, let me tell you that I'm a huge fan of yours. As my friend, you always seem to be there when needed. The perfect post-work cocktail, a beer at the game, and you're even around in the holidays, hidden inside chocolates as you warm us when we're stuck in the midst of endless family gatherings. However, lately I've been wondering about your intentions. While I want to believe that you have my best interests at heart, I feel that your influence has led to some unwise consequences:

 

Phone calls:

 

While I agree with you that communication is important, I question the suggestion that any conversation of substance or necessity takes place after

 

2 a.m. Why would you make me call those ex-girlfriends when I know for a fact they do not want to hear from me during the day, let alone all hours of the night?

 

Eating:

 

Now, you know I love a good meal, but why do you suggest that I eat a kebab, a butter chicken curry along with a sausage with cheese, onion and mustard (washed down with WINE & topped off with a Kit Kat after a few sweet chilli and sour cream red rock chips)? I'm an eclectic eater, but I think you went too far this time.

 

Clumsiness:

 

Unless you're subtly trying to tell me that I need to do more yoga to improve my balance, I see NO need to hammer the issue home by causing me to fall down. It's completely unnecessary, and the black & blue marks that appear on my body mysteriously the next day are beyond me. Similarly, it should never take me more than 45 seconds to get the front door key into the lock.

 

Furthermore:

 

The hangovers have GOT to stop. This is getting ridiculous. I know a little penance for our previous evening's debauchery may be in order, but the 3pm hangover immobility is completely unacceptable. My entire day is shot. I ask that, if the proper precautions are taken (water, vitamin B, bread products, aspirin) prior to going to sleep/passing out face down on the kitchen floor with a bag of popcorn, the hangover should be minimal & in no way interfere with my daily activities.

 

Alcohol, I have enjoyed our friendship for some years now & would like to ensure that we remain on good terms. You've been the invoker of great stories, the provocation for much laughter, and the needed companion when I just don't know what to do with the extra money in my pockets.

 

In order to continue this friendship, I ask that you carefully review my grievances above & address them immediately. I will look for an answer no later than Thursday 3pm (pre-happy hour) on your possible solutions & hopefully we can continue this fruitful partnership.

 

Thank you,

Your biggest fan

[catmag 337]

I take it you had a good day yesterday then?

[peasepud 59]

I take it you had a good day yesterday then? 

48665[/snapback]

 

Aye canny although a certain Mr Ritchie probably isnt talking to me after I nipped home with the intention of doing a few bits n bobs, sortin meself out and coming back oot just to fall asleep on the settee, miss his derogatory text and wake up too late to go back out thereby forcing the downing of a quarter bottle of Vodka and passing out in me supper

[catmag 337]

I take it you had a good day yesterday then? 

48665[/snapback]

 

Aye canny although a certain Mr Ritchie probably isnt talking to me after I nipped home with the intention of doing a few bits n bobs, sortin meself out and coming back oot just to fall asleep on the settee, miss his derogatory text and wake up too late to go back out thereby forcing the downing of a quarter bottle of Vodka and passing out in me supper

48694[/snapback]

 

That's class!

[Jill 0]

I take it you had a good day yesterday then? 

48665[/snapback]

 

Aye canny although a certain Mr Ritchie probably isnt talking to me after I nipped home with the intention of doing a few bits n bobs, sortin meself out and coming back oot just to fall asleep on the settee, miss his derogatory text and wake up too late to go back out thereby forcing the downing of a quarter bottle of Vodka and passing out in me supper

48694[/snapback]

 

Big no score for not showing.

[Django Reinhardt 0]

I feel for you dear peasepud. This appears to me the love letter of an alcoholic and as much as I admire your poetic way with words I urge you to post more on the matter and in as much detail as possible as not only is it most entertaining but it acts as a kind of therapy. Both for you and for us.

 

Obviously for us in that it reminds us of what losers we'll undoubtedly become should we imbibe as regularly as yourself.

 

To your health sir.