Neville Neville Neville 0 Posted January 16, 2009 Share Posted January 16, 2009 WORLD'S HOTTEST PROPERTY ON BRINK OF BECOMING TALK OF THE TOON Mike Ashley today showed his intentions to back legendary manager Joseph Kinnear by entering the race to sign one of the best players in the world, and to bring the "wow signing" that would ensure his reign as Newcastle supremo remained long in the memory. Kinnear, talking to Sky Sports this morning, said: "Mike, Dennis, Derek, and the whole gang have been tirelessly and ruthlessly negotiating the signing of one of the world's hottest properties. We have cleverly engineered a series of elaborate and non-elaborate smoke-and-mirrors stories so that no other club in world football could interfere with this move. "This guy is a genius on the ball and will revolutionise the way that football is played in the North East. This deal has been a year in the making, and that is the reason that we have had to falsify links with no-names like Lucas Neill, Barry Ferguson, and that 6 ft 2 lad from Cameroon whose name escapes me at the moment. Whilst the likes of Tottenham, Arsenal, and Real Madrid will have been sent scrambling after these players, we have busied the media by splashing small amounts of cash on people who aren't even footballers. "I mean 6 million for a homeless Spanish lad I found selling the Big Issue on Oxford Street, and a midfielder signed on a season loan who doesn't even exist!! And people say that I don't have a clue!! I wonder what those people will think when they realise that Mike Ashley appointed me as manager when he took over the club, but we used Not-so Big Sam and the Keegler to create the almightiest of smokescreens. Kevin wasn't ever in charge of the club, he was just a bit hard up after his soccer circus misadventure, so we paid him £10 an hour with the express instructions of "Go distract the Geordie Nation. Do whatever it takes. This signing is much more important than me, Mike, or yourself." "So, it is my great pleasure to announce that this ingenious plan has nearly reached its conclusion. Like all evil geniuses, I will reveal my plan before it is complete, but there is nothing you can do to stop me. The player who all this has been for is a Brazilian attacking midfielder or striker who is 26 and won the Fifa World Player of the Year in 2007. He is 6ft 1 in height and wears the number 22 shirt for AC Milan. "Look I can see you searching your internet databases to find out who this player is, but do you think I would be stupid enough to give you enough information to find out my target before the contract is sealed? There are literally thousands of footballers who fit this description, it could be literally any one of them. There is nothing you or anyone in football can do to stop me. "I'm so evil that I can tell you his real name. Its Ricardo Izecson dos Santos Leite and his parents are Simone Cristina dos Santos Leite and Bosco Izecson Pereira Leite. But thats not the name he commonly uses. As if I would divulge that information to you, you stupid ignorant fools. He plays under a different name. One that sounds a bit like Car Car. No, here's an even more cryptic clue - he sounds like what would happen if 2 Ford Ka's crashed into each other, and became one. "So try and stop me whether you are a Mickey Mouse Premier League Referee, a Clown Championship Referee, one of the suits at Soho Square, or even Batman, Spiderman, and Superman rolled into one. Resistance is futile, I can't be stopped!!! "Whatever you try is too late. Our bid of £4 million has already been emailed to his club, AC Milan, and there is nothing that can be done to stop it. The technology does not even exist to unsend an email. "I expect to have Mr Double Ka in our squad for the trip to Blackburn, because quite frankly the rest of the team is really shit. Except for Damien Duff.... and Nicky Butt. I wonder if I can field a team with just Duff, Butt and Double Ka. "MWAHAHAAHHAHAAHHAHAAHHAHAHAAHAHHAHAAHAAHHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHA" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest stormrider Posted January 16, 2009 Share Posted January 16, 2009 Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Deano 0 Posted January 16, 2009 Share Posted January 16, 2009 Haha nice work bud! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
tommo 0 Posted January 16, 2009 Share Posted January 16, 2009 must admit i laughed Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Recommended Posts
Create an account or sign in to comment
You need to be a member in order to leave a comment
Create an account
Sign up for a new account in our community. It's easy!
Register a new accountSign in
Already have an account? Sign in here.
Sign In Now