Idiot Stockbrokers Continue To Ruin Your Life

[Meenzer 15877]

I'll stop posting stuff from the Daily Mash one day, I swear...

 

http://www.thedailymash.co.uk/news/busines...fe-20080122672/

 

IDIOT STOCKBROKERS CONTINUE TO RUIN YOUR LIFE

 

STOCKBROKERS are preparing for a third day of running around and waving their hands in the air, shouting 'nooooooooooooooooooo!!!'.

 

Look at this picture of a meadow for a while

 

In London the FTSE 100 ate all its clothes and crashed its Aston Martin into the Bank of England before running around the Monument shouting 'nooooooooooooo!!!'.

 

In Frankfurt the Dax opened its bowels into the waste paper basket and then smeared “I hate shares” in excrement on the walls before running out into the street shouting 'neeeeeeeeeeeiiiiiiiin!!!'.

 

The CAC in Paris had its worst day since it threw up on its new suit after a bad snail. In New York the Dow Jones took an assault rifle to work and posted a video on YouTube.

 

Evan Davies, the BBC's economics editor, said: “The world’s stock markets are like a finely tuned barrel of eels.

 

“As they plunge, sea levels rise, leading to a fall in the price of dogs. Even if cat prices remain stable a recession then occurs. No one knows why.”

 

Davies added: “People often ask me why they have to lose their job and their home because a man in an expensive shirt made some terrible decisions. I tell them no-one knows.”

 

Alastair Darling, the Chancellor of the Exchequer, woke up in his own shit.

[Happy Face 29]

 

I hear 3% dropped off the market in 1 minute at opening this morning.

Edited January 22, 2008 by Happy Face

[Meenzer 15877]

Presumably trades that were placed before opening - it seems to be back to "normal" now. Though it'll no doubt take a battering when the Dow opens. Go uncertainty!

[Meenzer 15877]

Or maybe I won't.

 

FRENCH TRADER WAS FORCED TO WORK 30 HOURS A WEEK

 

FRIENDS of rogue trader Jerome Kerviel last night blamed his $7 billion losses on unbearable levels of stress brought on by a punishing 30 hour week.

 

Kerviel was known to start work as early as nine in the morning and still be at his desk at five or even five-thirty, often with just an hour and a half for lunch.

 

One colleague said: "He was, how you say, une workaholique. I have a family and a mistress so I would leave the office at around 2pm at the latest, if I wasn't on strike.

 

"But Jerome was tied to that desk. One day I came back to the office at 3pm because I had forgotten my stupid little hat, and there he was, fast asleep on the photocopier.

 

"At first I assumed he had been having sex with it, but then I remembered he'd been working for almost six hours."

 

As the losses mounted, Kerviel tried to conceal his bad trades by covering them with an intense red wine sauce, later switching to delicate pastry horns.

 

At one point he managed to dispose of dozens of transactions by hiding them inside vol-au-vent cases and staging a fake reception.

 

Last night a spokesman for Sócíété Générálé denied that Kerviel was overworked, insisting he lost the money after betting that the French were about to stop being rude, lazy, arrogant bastards.

[Tooj 17]

[Bombadil 0]

[Jusoda Kid 1]

All this stockmarket talk isn't impressing anyone tbh

[Meenzer 15877]

And there was me clearly trying to intimidate and bamboozle all-comers.

[Jusoda Kid 1]

And there was me clearly trying to intimidate and bamboozle all-comers.

 

 

You certainly achieved that

[Fop 1]

Or maybe I won't.

 

FRENCH TRADER WAS FORCED TO WORK 30 HOURS A WEEK

 

FRIENDS of rogue trader Jerome Kerviel last night blamed his $7 billion losses on unbearable levels of stress brought on by a punishing 30 hour week.

 

Kerviel was known to start work as early as nine in the morning and still be at his desk at five or even five-thirty, often with just an hour and a half for lunch.

 

One colleague said: "He was, how you say, une workaholique. I have a family and a mistress so I would leave the office at around 2pm at the latest, if I wasn't on strike.

 

"But Jerome was tied to that desk. One day I came back to the office at 3pm because I had forgotten my stupid little hat, and there he was, fast asleep on the photocopier.

 

"At first I assumed he had been having sex with it, but then I remembered he'd been working for almost six hours."

 

As the losses mounted, Kerviel tried to conceal his bad trades by covering them with an intense red wine sauce, later switching to delicate pastry horns.

 

At one point he managed to dispose of dozens of transactions by hiding them inside vol-au-vent cases and staging a fake reception.

 

Last night a spokesman for Sócíété Générálé denied that Kerviel was overworked, insisting he lost the money after betting that the French were about to stop being rude, lazy, arrogant bastards.

[RlCO 0]

Sócíété Générálé

 

Just noticed that bit

Edited January 25, 2008 by RlCO