Is Shearer to be hero of the grim Toon tale?

[Jimbo 175]

Here is an idea for a dark football drama. See what you think.

 

There is this local guy — let's call him Freddy Shepherd — who sacks a legend for finishing fourth, third and fifth in the Premier League — let's call him Sir Bobby Robson — and replaces him with the bloke from the stagnating Blackburn Rovers (Graeme Souness) before appointing an obvious nightwatchman (Glenn Roeder) and then hiring a set-piece specialist whose direct style is diametrically opposed to the club's artistic leaning.

 

This new manager, Big Sam, can be like Michael Caine in Get Carter: here to 'sort it out' in a roughtough kind of way.

 

Now we introduce a sports retailing tycoon who has chosen our venerable institution (hereafter Newcastle United) from the smorgasbord of Premier League investment opportunities.

 

Starting out as a self-declared recluse, Mike Ashley is soon sending bottles of champagne to all his new Geordie friends in dockside nightclubs.

 

On Boxing Day, with the team falling off the pier at Wigan, Ashley is to be found in a replica shirt among the 5,000- strong Toon Army.

 

The front-of-house troubleshooter, meanwhile, could be called, say, Chris Mort, a name that would stretch quite nicely to Mortician.

 

To add further tragicomic bite, we could have the side sponsored by Northern Rock, whose financial ineptitude has forced the Treasury to offer guarantees of £57billion — almost as much as the Whitehall education budget — thus leaving each British taxpayer with a liability of £1,800.

 

Which reminds me that should Ashley elect to sack Big Sam Allardyce and his legion of expert backroom staff, who number 20 according to the Newcastle Journal, the queue for compensation would look like one of those lines of panic-gripped investors outside every Northern Rock branch.

 

I was about to say that not even Joseph Anthony Barton would be tempted to kick this great beacon of civic hope when they were so low in spirit, but of course he already has.

 

Barton was yesterday remanded in custody after being charged, along with two others, with assault and affray in Liverpool centre around 5.30am on Thursday, when he was meant to be nursing an ankle injury in preparation for today's daunting visit to Chelsea.

 

According to yesterday's Liverpool Echo, one of the alleged victims briefly lost consciousness in the incident.

 

Explaining his decision to omit Barton from the team who lost to Wigan, Allardyce had explained the previous day that "another knock might put him out for a while". Or another night out in Liverpool.

 

Barton, remember, has already pleaded not guilty to a charge of assaulting his former Manchester City colleague Ousmane Dabo on the training ground and will be tried in the New Year.

 

Newcastle are in such a state that you just want to put your arm round them and buy them a cup of tea. Not all of it is self-inflicted.

 

Their best player, Michael Owen, has endured savage luck with injuries.

 

But then there is no escaping the truth that Shepherd's last big appointment has gambled on wrong'uns (Barton) and big club rejects (Alan Smith, Geremi), not to mention the glacial Mark Viduka, of whom one reporter wrote at Wigan's JJB Stadium: "How any manager of a struggling side can stomach Viduka's immobility remains one of life's mysteries."

 

Allardyce has become so disorientated by the maelstrom of bad results and sterile performances that he has disassociated himself from his own players, saying: "I'm not happy to have my future in their hands."

 

A parlour game in football is spotting the point of no return for men in Allardyce's position.

 

With that renunciation of his own expensive summer buys, plenty of private bets were placed on him ending up in the elephant's graveyard of men who travelled to Tyneside to make a difference but left wearing a thousand-yard stare.

 

Newcastle have not won in 14 Premier League visits to Stamford Bridge and face Manchester City, Manchester United and Arsenal in January. The African Nations Cup will claim four of their front-line players. At least Owen may be back on the bench today.

 

And the glaring doubts about Alan Shearer's lack of coaching experience could be overcome if the right structure was in place to support him.

 

The manager's job may yet be Shearer's great reward for turning down Manchester United to return to his roots for no reward, in silverware, at least.

 

Otherwise their best bet would be Martin O'Neill. Then again, why should he plunge himself into such terminal instability?

 

What we are seeing are the last convulsions of the Shepherd-Hall family era: a good manager transplanted to the wrong club, with no regard for logic or tradition. Empty populism has run amok. They have the fans, they have the stadium and they certainly have the love.

 

But the big decisions have been coming from people with agendas that conflict with what's right for the team and the club.

 

You look at Mike Ashley impersonating a fan at Wigan and want him to vacate his seat in the crowd, put his normal gear on and start thinking double-quick in case he needs to orchestrate a proper influx of people who understand his new toy and the tough world they're in.

 

Otherwise, 'loved by outsiders, destroyed from within' will be Newcastle's epitaph.

[luckyluke 2]

I fail to see how Allardyce resembles Caine in Get Carter.

[Noelie 103]

I fail to see how Allardyce resembles Caine in Get Carter.

 

 

Didn't Carter get bumped off in the end? might just happen to Sam.

[JawD 99]

Shit piece, shame alot of it is true.

[Jimbo 175]

I fail to see how Allardyce resembles Caine in Get Carter.

 

 

Didn't Carter get bumped off in the end? might just happen to Sam.

 

 

"you're a big man, but you're out of shape"

 

[@yourservice 67]

You look at Mike Ashley impersonating a fan at Wigan and want him to vacate his seat in the crowd, put his normal gear on and start thinking double-quick in case he needs to orchestrate a proper influx of people who understand his new toy and the tough world they're in.

 

Spot on! Saying that tho,he probably suits this club down to the ground - unprofessional

[Jimbo 175]

You look at Mike Ashley impersonating a fan at Wigan and want him to vacate his seat in the crowd, put his normal gear on and start thinking double-quick in case he needs to orchestrate a proper influx of people who understand his new toy and the tough world they're in.

 

Spot on! Saying that tho,he probably suits this club down to the ground - unprofessional

 

To be fair, If Ashley wanted to run the club he'd be doing instead of Mort.

[Happy Face 29]

I fail to see how Allardyce resembles Caine in Get Carter.

 

 

Didn't Carter get bumped off in the end? might just happen to Sam.

 

 

"you're a big man, but you're out of shape"

 

 

 

Was going to say...more like Alf Roberts.

[The Fish 11080]

'loved by outsiders, destroyed from within'

how depressingly accurate.