Wiping your arse

[Guest alex]

Shite thread.

[Walliver 0]

- I use one sheet at a time.

 

 

Just 2 ply?

 

 

Do you save teabags to re-use in your next cup too?

 

No, I find most of the flavour has gone after the first cup.

[RlCO 0]

@ the entire thread. Always a goldmine.

 

I'm a stander, the reasons for which are...

 

1. Purchase. With a free arm you can work the angles to really buff your ring to a sheen. I'd imagine, whichever angle I approached it from (front or back), if I was sitting down there'd be a limited space there between the rim and myself to position for the optimum wipe.

 

2. Progress. Standing up allows you to examine your work. Useful to see how healthy your 'movement' has been initially (bouyancy/consistency/colour) as well as to gauge how many more wipes are needed. If you're sitting down you must NEVER see your shit. What if you're getting bowel cancer? The first sign is blood in your stool. Sitting down to wipe could kill you! FACT! Do people who sit down pull out a shitty rag after wiping to check it then put it back in? Aren't you getting dangerously close to wiping shit all over yourself you filthy fucks? Or do you just wipe and wipe and guess when you're clean? I'd get through 4 rolls of loo roll a day if I was blind wiping. If everyone Sat down it would be an environmental catastrophe.

 

3. Facility. You don't get "butterfly" when you stand up because you keep your cheeks apart until you've wiped. So I stand up because I CAN. I can only imagine the fattest of people have the problem that when they stand up their ring is lost in the folds of fat of their flabby arse. And anyway, who the fuck starts wiping when there's half a friggin log hanging out that could possibly cause butterfly? Nip that shit off and burnish the sphincter to a shine, don't use the roll to pull shit out. Christ.

 

4. Necessity. All you sitters who're incredulous that someone would stand to do what they could sit for, are you not going to get up anyway? Having not only taken a shit, but also wiped yourself clean, are you saying you enjoy sitting on a stinky shit hole for a bit longer? Good god!

 

Fatty ballaties and Maggie Sutton's have a pass. They can do a sit down wipe with impunity, anyone else that does is a Harry Ramp. Probably the same people that get out of breath from the effort of relaxing their sphincter, so I have to listen to fucking Marathon Man when I'm in the next cubicle. Disgusting.

 

I can't see how you can't imagine it is possible to sit down and wipe without any extraneous contact. Extraction for visual contact is perfectly easy to achieve, I think it is you who might be a bloater. As for inspection, you would see blood on the tissue man, I'm not sticking my head in the bowl everyday on the 0.05% chance I might be dying from bowel cancer. If you stand up, the butterfly effect is inevitable, it's a scientific fact, unless you have magic butt-cheeks - heaven forbid how you trained them to 'part on demand'. Sitting down is a sensible saving of energy, I imagine some of techniques described by the freakshows are like the US army's 'stress position' to break prisoners. In short, pipe down stinky, you have no justifiable case for your filthy habits. As for smo, he is not one of us, back to front is the devil's wipe, infection be thy name.

[Happy Face 29]

I can't see how you can't imagine it is possible to sit down and wipe without any extraneous contact.

 

 

 

 

I just can't see how you can be sat on that and have room to get an arm in, then retract without rim contact.

 

Do you lift a cheek and go from the side?

[RlCO 0]

I suppose so, I don't really think about it, it's a NORMAL everyday action.

[Happy Face 29]

it's a NORMAL everyday action.

 

It's fucking abhorrent.

 

Some sort of scatalogical thrill seeking no doubt. The risk of getting your shit rag through such a small gap obviously turns you sick fucks on.

[Lazarus 0]

The blonde bloke in this link is clearly a stander upper

 

http://keithiskneedeepinmud.blogspot.com/2...k-is-whack.html

[luckyluke 2]

I've had a few shits since this thread started, and I've thought about sitting to wipe for all of them in the interests of science, but I just can't do it. The whole process seems clumsy and undignified, and I have to put my hand into the toilet ffs! I remain a true, honest and clean stander. You filthy bastards.

 

Also, when drawing an ace after a particularly large turd, do you wipe again as you can't believe your luck as I did this morning? Not sure what you'd call that process - a safety wipe?

[Glasgow Mag 0]

I've had a few shits since this thread started, and I've thought about sitting to wipe for all of them in the interests of science, but I just can't do it. The whole process seems clumsy and undignified, and I have to put my hand into the toilet ffs! I remain a true, honest and clean stander. You filthy bastards.

 

Also, when drawing an ace after a particularly large turd, do you wipe again as you can't believe your luck as I did this morning? Not sure what you'd call that process - a safety wipe?

 

Sometimes an inbuilt mechanism tells me that I have drawn an ace, and I don't even wipe it once because I can tell straignt away that the shite hasn't touched the ringpiece. I do, however, need to cast a quick glance at the jobby in question before pulling up my boxers. They are usually long and thin with a smooth appearance.

 

Personally I sit down for wiping. The way I do it is:

 

(1) Sit own in middle of seat.

(2) Dump my load.

(3) Glance into the pan to estimate size, shape, obvious contents, colour/shade, consistency, texture and bouyancy of the faecal matter, and also look for obvious evidence of skid-marks.

(3) Shuffle forward on the seat to allow room for my right hand (holding the toilet paper - between 5 and 7 sheets depending on estimated need).

(4) Rock myself forward by abut 60 degrees, WITHOUT losing contact between my legs/arse and the seat, to prevent my hand dipping into the shit-hole.

(5) Wipe between 4 and 6 times, depending on what is there. Look at the paper after every second wipe. Always, always front-to-back to minimise the risk of ascending urinary sepsis.

[luckyluke 2]

I've had a few shits since this thread started, and I've thought about sitting to wipe for all of them in the interests of science, but I just can't do it. The whole process seems clumsy and undignified, and I have to put my hand into the toilet ffs! I remain a true, honest and clean stander. You filthy bastards.

 

Also, when drawing an ace after a particularly large turd, do you wipe again as you can't believe your luck as I did this morning? Not sure what you'd call that process - a safety wipe?

 

Sometimes an inbuilt mechanism tells me that I have drawn an ace, and I don't even wipe it once because I can tell straignt away that the shite hasn't touched the ringpiece. I do, however, need to cast a quick glance at the jobby in question before pulling up my boxers. They are usually long and thin with a smooth appearance.

 

Personally I sit down for wiping. The way I do it is:

 

(1) Sit own in middle of seat.

(2) Dump my load.

(3) Glance into the pan to estimate size, shape, obvious contents, colour/shade, consistency, texture and bouyancy of the faecal matter, and also look for obvious evidence of skid-marks.

(3) Shuffle forward on the seat to allow room for my right hand (holding the toilet paper - between 5 and 7 sheets depending on estimated need).

(4) Rock myself forward by abut 60 degrees, WITHOUT losing contact between my legs/arse and the seat, to prevent my hand dipping into the shit-hole.

(5) Wipe between 4 and 6 times, depending on what is there. Look at the paper after every second wipe. Always, always front-to-back to minimise the risk of ascending urinary sepsis.

 

 

Not only do you sit down to wipe, you sometimes don't even wipe your arse at all. Aren't you a doctor? No wonder the life expectancy in Glasgow is shit.

[Glasgow Mag 0]

I've had a few shits since this thread started, and I've thought about sitting to wipe for all of them in the interests of science, but I just can't do it. The whole process seems clumsy and undignified, and I have to put my hand into the toilet ffs! I remain a true, honest and clean stander. You filthy bastards.

 

Also, when drawing an ace after a particularly large turd, do you wipe again as you can't believe your luck as I did this morning? Not sure what you'd call that process - a safety wipe?

 

Sometimes an inbuilt mechanism tells me that I have drawn an ace, and I don't even wipe it once because I can tell straignt away that the shite hasn't touched the ringpiece. I do, however, need to cast a quick glance at the jobby in question before pulling up my boxers. They are usually long and thin with a smooth appearance.

 

Personally I sit down for wiping. The way I do it is:

 

(1) Sit own in middle of seat.

(2) Dump my load.

(3) Glance into the pan to estimate size, shape, obvious contents, colour/shade, consistency, texture and bouyancy of the faecal matter, and also look for obvious evidence of skid-marks.

(3) Shuffle forward on the seat to allow room for my right hand (holding the toilet paper - between 5 and 7 sheets depending on estimated need).

(4) Rock myself forward by abut 60 degrees, WITHOUT losing contact between my legs/arse and the seat, to prevent my hand dipping into the shit-hole.

(5) Wipe between 4 and 6 times, depending on what is there. Look at the paper after every second wipe. Always, always front-to-back to minimise the risk of ascending urinary sepsis.

 

 

Not only do you sit down to wipe, you sometimes don't even wipe your arse at all. Aren't you a doctor? No wonder the life expectancy in Glasgow is shit.

 

By standing up to wipe, I feel that you are increasing the chances of minute shite particles being spread to the bathroom floor. I think that the infection risk is minimalised by keeping the shite, as much as possible, within the toilet.

 

Experience has taught me when to know that I have drawn an ace. For the first hundred or so, I had the feeling of having drawn an ace, but performed a safety wipe to make sure. Now, I have realised that this is a waste of time and involves needlessly putting my (paper-filled) hand close to my arse.

 

I always, always wash my hands thouroghly after defecation.

 

I feel that the below-average life expectancy in these parts is less due to arse-wiping, or lack of it, and more down to the following:

 

 

 

[luckyluke 2]

Seriously, I find it incredible that anybody, least of all a doctor, doesn't wipe his arse at least once after having a shit. I shudder to think what your local C diff rates are.

Edited December 15, 2007 by luckyluke

[Glasgow Mag 0]

Seriously, I find it incredible that anybody, least of all a doctor, doesn't wipe his arse at least once after having a shit. I shudder to think what your local C diff rates are.

 

Listen, rarely am I lucky enough to draw an ace. I'm talking about one in a hundred dumps here. On the vast majority of occasions, I wipe my arse. But if my arse cheeks are well enough parted, and the jobby is short enough and smooth enough, and passes quickly enough, and I am confident enough that I would draw an ace were I to attempt wiping, then I will not bother. In my defence, I have never in my recollection had skid-marks on my boxers afterwards having ommited wiping.

 

And I don't have C. diff, nor would I say that I am at particularly high risk of getting it, since I rarely take antibiotics and am meticulous in my hand-washing technique.

[luckyluke 2]

Seriously, I find it incredible that anybody, least of all a doctor, doesn't wipe his arse at least once after having a shit. I shudder to think what your local C diff rates are.

 

Listen, rarely am I lucky enough to draw an ace. I'm talking about one in a hundred dumps here. On the vast majority of occasions, I wipe my arse. But if my arse cheeks are well enough parted, and the jobby is short enough and smooth enough, and passes quickly enough, and I am confident enough that I would draw an ace were I to attempt wiping, then I will not bother. In my defence, I have never in my recollection had skid-marks on my boxers afterwards having ommited wiping.

 

And I don't have C. diff, nor would I say that I am at particularly high risk of getting it, since I rarely take antibiotics and am meticulous in my hand-washing technique.

 

You can wash your hands all you like but you've still got turds slipping out the bottom of your trousers.

[Glasgow Mag 0]

Seriously, I find it incredible that anybody, least of all a doctor, doesn't wipe his arse at least once after having a shit. I shudder to think what your local C diff rates are.

 

Listen, rarely am I lucky enough to draw an ace. I'm talking about one in a hundred dumps here. On the vast majority of occasions, I wipe my arse. But if my arse cheeks are well enough parted, and the jobby is short enough and smooth enough, and passes quickly enough, and I am confident enough that I would draw an ace were I to attempt wiping, then I will not bother. In my defence, I have never in my recollection had skid-marks on my boxers afterwards having ommited wiping.

 

And I don't have C. diff, nor would I say that I am at particularly high risk of getting it, since I rarely take antibiotics and am meticulous in my hand-washing technique.

 

You can wash your hands all you like but you've still got turds slipping out the bottom of your trousers.

 

But I don't get skidmarks so what makes you think I have turds slipping out the bottom of my trousers?!

[Gejon 2]

Just been for one, Glasgow Mags 1-5 guide is pretty much spot on. There is more than enough room to wipe and if you manage to catch yourself when having an inspection you must be quite the retard (Parkinsons sufferers are excused from this).

[Glasgow Mag 0]

Just been for one, Glasgow Mags 1-5 guide is pretty much spot on. There is more than enough room to wipe and if you manage to catch yourself when having an inspection you must be quite the retard (Parkinsons sufferers are excused from this).

 

Don't go stealing my guide and publishing it as your own!

 

What do you think - can you imagine 'Glasgow Mag's 6-step illustrated guide to having a shite' being in the shops for next Christmas?

[Gejon 2]

You holding back a secret tip?

[Glasgow Mag 0]

You holding back a secret tip?

 

If you look at my list, I have put 2 (3)'s by mistake.

 

However, I might have one or two extra secrets.

[Kid Dynamite 7030]

You dont have to dip your friggin hand in your freshly laid shit to maneouvre your arm round to wipe your arse. A little lean forward and you have plenty of room. Unless your a fat bastard!

[RlCO 0]

All the standee smelly boys are fat bastards, butterfly effect whether they sit or stand!

 

I am not so sure on GM's no wipe policy, I couldn't bring myself not to check, no matter what my brown spider-senses were telling me.

[JawD 99]

Bit like russian roullette really. It would only be a matter of time. Not a risk Id be willing to take, carrying a backside biscuit around with me until the next time I checked.

[Glasgow Mag 0]

Bit like russian roullette really. It would only be a matter of time. Not a risk Id be willing to take, carrying a backside biscuit around with me until the next time I checked.

 

It's no way to live your life if you're not prepared to take even the slightest risk.

 

I bet you used to insist your mum put a spare pare of underpants in your school bag - "just in case of a little accident..."

[RlCO 0]

Bit like russian roullette really. It would only be a matter of time. Not a risk Id be willing to take, carrying a backside biscuit around with me until the next time I checked.

 

It's no way to live your life if you're not prepared to take even the slightest risk.

 

I bet you used to insist your mum put a spare pare of underpants in your school bag - "just in case of a little accident..."

 

This 'shit' is not the definition of Russian Roulette. GM you're fucked up, skid on down to the nearest help centre.

[JawD 99]

Bit like russian roullette really. It would only be a matter of time. Not a risk Id be willing to take, carrying a backside biscuit around with me until the next time I checked.

 

It's no way to live your life if you're not prepared to take even the slightest risk.

 

I bet you used to insist your mum put a spare pare of underpants in your school bag - "just in case of a little accident..."

 

Thats the thing you see, because I was taught to wipe my arse properly (sitting down, cheek raised ), I was in no fear of an accident

 

I dont mind risk, but leftovers on my boxers Im afraid is just one uneccessary one. You rebel you