When bored on a friday afternoon read these top tips...

[Happy Face 29]

I know you've read them all before, but they do pass half an hour...

 

Save a fortune on laundry bills. Give your dirty shirts to Oxfam. They

will wash and iron them and you can buy them back for fifty pence.

J B Cartland, Brighton.

 

Suck the eyes from attacking zombies using a Black & Decker

"Dustbuster." The zombies will then wander aimlessly and can be

dispatched by the more usual methods at a more leisurely pace.

J. T., Thropton.

 

Create instant designer stubble by sucking a magnet and dipping your

chin into a bowl of iron filings.

B Villbens, Birmingham.

 

X-Files fans. Create the effect of being abducted by aliens by

drinking two bottles of vodka. You'll invariably wake up in a strange

place the following morning, having had your memory mysteriously

"erased."

Sam Neffendorf, Weybridge.

 

A hedgehog trained to scuttle up and down the table from guest to

guest makes an unusual mobile cheese and pineapple cube nibble

dispenser at cocktail parties.

L Traintu, Clarkesville.

 

Domestos is an ideal substitute for Blue Curaco, and far less pricey.

It gives any cocktail a bit of "oomph."

James Francis, East Glamorgan Hospital.

 

Whilst in bed protect yourself from vampires and werewolves by hiding

under the covers.

Charles Holley, Newcastle.

 

Make cheap but effective baby rattles by gluing a lollipop stick to an

empty matchbox, then filling it with ten woodlice.

Ms. G. M. Dowd, Wigan.

 

Foil pick pockets by placing a freshly toasted "Pop Tart" in each

pocket. Would-be thieves will quickly rupture the fragile pastry and

receive nasty finger burns from the steaming hot jam inside.

P.Turner, Liverpool L17.

 

Confuse shopkeepers by buying a sheet of wrapping paper and asking

them to wrap it.

D. Treloar, Wandsworth.

 

A length of plastic drainpipe with a roller skate at each end makes an

ideal "car" for snakes.

G. Dorson, Skipton.

 

Minor skin grafts can be performed on pigs by covering any cuts and

grazes with thin strips of bacon.

Phil Wasey, Liverpool.

 

Can’t afford contact lenses? Simply cut out small circles of cling film

and press them into your eyes.

D. Stokes, Middlesex.

 

Stop bread from drying out by keeping it in a bucket of water.

P.J. Ruddock, London.

 

Save money on expensive personalised car number plates by simply

changing your name to match your existing plate.

Mr KVL 74IY, Lincoln.

 

Cyclists. Next time you're out on your bike take a tin bath and about

4 or 5 gallons of water in plastic containers. In the event of a flat

tire this will help you locate any punctures you may have.

Andy Hodgeson, Manchester.

 

Don't waste money buying expensive binoculars. Simply stand closer to

the object you wish to view.

S Goldhanger, Fulchester.

 

Pop a few tea bags in your hot water tank and you can make a hot cuppa

anytime by just turning on the tap.

Mrs. M Growitt, Birmingham.

 

Avoid jet lag by simply taking an earlier flight, thus arriving fully

refreshed and on time.

Sgt. R. J. Crowe, 662 Squadron, Germany.

 

Put a stop to car thieves by siphoning off all your petrol whenever

you park your car, and carrying it round with you in one or two

Plastic buckets.

D. Griffiths, Kent.

 

Pass off as Welsh by putting coal dust behind your fingernails and

talking gibberish all the time, stopping occasionally to sing loudly,

or set fire to someone else's house.

Mr P. Lilburn, Rotherham.

 

Record the sound of your wife having an orgasm, and then listen to the

tape through headphones next time you make love. That way you can have

sex without waking her up.

Frank Wilson, Southend.

 

Fellas. Next time you have to wrap up a present, don't, because you're

shite at it. Give it to the wife and she'll do it properly with extra

girlie bows and fiddly bits while you're down the pub.

Daphnie Treloar, Cardiff.

 

Girls. Next time you feel like throwing a ball over-arm, don't,

because you cant and it just looks silly. Just throw it girlie under-

arm style, and no-one will laugh at you, or get hurt.

D Thresher, Wapping.

 

Why pay the earth for expensive jigsaws? Just take a bag of frozen

chips from the freezer and try piercing together potatoes.

B Reastford, Iranville, Notts.

 

Putting just the right amount of gin in your goldfish bowl makes the

fishes' eyes bulge and causes them to swim in an amusing manner.

 

Smell gas? Locate the suspected leak by striking an ordinary match in

every room in the house until a loud explosion reveals the source of

the escaping gas.

N. Burke, Manchester.

 

As adverts on the television tell us not to use light switches if we

smell gas, I find it useful to always have a candle ready for use in

such emergencies.

Mrs. D Bibby, Rugby.

 

Save time when crossing a one-way street by only looking in the

direction of oncoming traffic.

D. Rogers, Hemel Hempstead.

 

When crossing a one-way street always look in BOTH directions in case

a large, blue furniture removal lorry is reversing the wrong way up

the road.

D. Rogers Hemel, Hempstead General Infirmary.

 

Avoid paying tax by going to work in a politically unstable Middle

East country inhabited by religious fanatics. Ignore British

Government advice to leave when a war looks imminent, then moan a

few weeks later when bombs start going off and there aren't any

planes home.

S Goblin, Middlesex.

 

Always keep a pound of lard in your pocket so that if you get your

head stuck in railings you'll be able to grease your ears and slide

out.

Kate Emblen, Uxbridge.

 

Cyclists. Why not try stopping at red lights like everyone else,

instead of riding up onto the pavement to avoid them. Stupid ba***rds.

M Burridge, Newcastle.

 

Thicken up runny low-fat yoghurt by stirring in a spoonful of lard.

P Raker, Chatham.

 

Avoid losing contact lenses by drilling a small hole in each one and

attaching them with a length of nylon fishing line. This can then be

worn around the neck.

B Morgan, Criccieth.

 

Don't buy expensive "ribbed" condoms, just buy an ordinary one and

slip a handful of frozen peas inside it before you put it on.

D Duckham, Didford.

 

Exterior wood stain is a fast, long-lasting and attractive alternative

to sun-bed treatments.

Mr T. Eebly, Warstead.

 

Anorexics. When your knees become fatter than your legs, start eating

cakes again.

P Loft, Gateshead.

 

I regularly drive to the pub, but am never guilty of drink driving.

The secret is to consume so much alcohol that by closing time you have

completely forgotten ever owning a car.

Mike Grey, Essex.

 

Prevent crisps cutting your gums and getting caught between teeth by

steeping them in a bowl of water before eating them.

T.C. Jackson, York.

 

Werewolf enthusiasts. get that "wolfy" feeling every night by simply

gluing a paper plate to your bedroom window.

J. Bradley, Beeston, Notts.

 

Mix tea with coffee, and leave in the fridge to cool. Hey presto!

Toffee.

A. Sharp, Birmingham.

 

Office workers. Avoid distractions from your important paperwork by

making "blinkers" out of two Post-It note stickers, one stuck to each

temple.

Fanny Cyclops, South Norwood.

 

Internet users. Try "accessing" your local newsagents and "download" a

few wank mags from the top shelf. They're cheaper than computers, and

easier to smuggle into the toilet.

Carl Hesketh, Blackburn.

 

A next door neighbours car aerial, carefully folded, makes an ideal

coat hanger in an emergency.

Nick Jeggo, Adbaston, Staffs.

 

Hijackers. Avoid a long stressful siege and the risk of arrest,

imprisonment or death by simply making sure you book a flight to your

intended destination in the first place.

Fanny Cyclops, South Norwood.

 

Record the sound of your washing machine onto a tape, then confuse

neighbours by playing it back on a battery operated cassette player

during a powercut.

Howard Urmenyl, Amersham, Leo Sayer country.

 

Next time you go drink driving ask a friend or relative to follow you

on a moped carrying a camera. Then, if you crash, they can take the

blame.

Bastien Phelp, Bath.

 

Deter goldfish from having sex by throwing a small bucket of air over

any that you catch in the act.

W. T. Conqueror, Hastings.

 

Play "Indiana Jones" with your pet mouse using a length of drainpipe

and a cricket ball.

I. K. Brunel, Bristol.

 

Always fart into the rings on top of your gas cooker. This will turn

back the gas meter, and save you pounds over a period of time.

C. Custer, Little Bighorn.

 

Play "Moth Aircraft Carriers" by floating a shoe box in the bath with

a torch attached. Leave a window open for ten minutes, then turn off

the room lights and watch as the moths attempt to make their dramatic

and dangerous landings.

Neil Davis, e-mail.

 

Car cigarette lighters make ideal mini "High Chaparral" style branding

irons.

J.T. Thropton.

 

An empty aluminium cigar tube filled with angry wasps makes an

inexpensive vibrator.

Sister S. Berwick, Blackrod.

 

Terrify ants into believing they have been invaded by "War Of The

Worlds" style Martians by standing 3 pin plugs on end around their

holes.

J.T. Thropton.

 

Fool passers by into thinking you keep a bird of prey by walking down

the street wearing a leather gauntlet, waving a piece of raw meat in

your hand and constantly looking up into the sky.

Simone Glover, Tottenham.

 

 

Give up smoking by sticking one cigarette from each new pack up a fat

friend's arse, filter first, then replacing it in the box. The

possibility of putting that one in your mouth will put you off

smoking any of them.

 

Weight watchers. Avoid that devilish temptation to nibble at the

chocolate bar in the cupboard or fridge by not buying the f**king

thing in the first place, you fat ba***rds.

 

Make your girlfriend cry when you're having sex by phoning her up and

telling her.

 

Bearded men can obtain the appearance of an upper class Arctic

explorer by simply applying Tippex to their beards, painting their

noses blue, and cutting off a couple of toes. It never fails to

impress the girls.

 

If a small child is choking on an ice cube, don't panic. Simply pour a

jug of boiling water down its throat and hey presto! The blockage is

almost instantly removed.

 

Avoid cutting yourself while clumsily slicing vegetables by getting

someone else to hold them while you chop away.

 

Housewives. When nipping out to the shops, remember to carry a stiff

broom in the boot of your car. Use it to sweep the broken glass to the

side of the road every time you have a minor accident.

 

Keep the seat next to you on the train vacant by smiling and nodding

at people as they walk up the aisle.

 

Save on booze by drinking cold tea instead of whisky. The following

morning you can create the effects of a hangover by drinking a

thimble full of washing up liquid and banging your head repeatedly on

the wall.

 

Make bathtimes as much fun for kiddies as a visit to the seaside by

pouring a bucket of sand, a bag of salt and a dog turd into the bath.

 

Increase blind people's electricity bills by switching all their

lights on when their guide dog isn't looking.

 

Recreate the fun of a visit to a public swimming pool in your own home

by filling the bath with cold water, adding two bottles of bleach,

then urinating into it, before jumping in.

 

Girls. Too old to go on an 18 to 30 holiday? Simply get pissed, lie in

a sand pit in your garden, and shag every bloke who looks at you over

the fence.

 

Olympic athletes. Disguise the fact that you've taken anabolic

steroids by running a bit slower.

B. Johnson, Canada.

 

Sweetcorn fans. Save money on loo paper by simply pouring the stuff

straight down the pan.

 

Pretend you're a giant panda by giving yourself two black eyes, eating

only bamboo shoots and refusing to have sex with the missus.

 

Manchester United fans. Save money on expensive new kits by simply

strapping a large fake penis to your forehead. It is now clear to all,

as to your allegiance.

 

Manchester United fans. Avoid an asymetrical bulge in your right arm

by masturbating furiously with your left arm too.

 

Avoid arguments with the missus about lifting the loo seat by simply

pissing in the sink.

 

Weedy fellas. Develop a right forearm like Arnold Schwarzenegger by

buying one of those Cindy Crawford workout videos.

 

Smokers. Save on matches and lighters, by simply lighting your next

fag from the butt of your last one.

 

Vegetarians coming to dinner? Simply serve them a nice bit of steak or

veal. Since they're always going on about how tofu, Quorn, meat

substitute, etc "tastes exactly like the real thing," they won't know

any difference.

 

Invited by vegetarians for dinner? Point out that since you'd no doubt

be made aware of their special dietary requirements, tell them about

yours, and ask for a nice steak.

 

Spice up your sex life by trying a bit of "rodeo sex." Take your

missus from behind and, holding on tightly to her jugs, call her by

the wrong name. See how long you can "stay mounted" for.

 

Blind people - give yourself at least a chance of seeing things by not wearing dark glasses all the time

 

DON'T waste money on expensive ipods. Simply think of your favourite tune and hum it. If you want to "switch tracks", simply think of another song you like and hum that instead.

 

CINEMA goers. Please have consideration for pirate DVD viewers by having a piss before the film starts.

 

RAPPERS. Avoid having to say 'know what I'm sayin' all the time by actually speaking clearly in the first place.

 

DON'T waste money on expensive paper shredders to avoid having your identity stolen. Simply place a few dog turds in the bin bags along with your old bank statements.

 

WORRIED that your teeth will be stained after a heavy night drinking red wine? Simply drink a bottle of white wine before going to bed to remove the stains.

 

SOLDIERS Invest in a digital camera to avoid all that court martial tomfoolery after a trip to Trueprint.

 

MURDERERS Need to dispose of a body? Simply parcel it up and post it to yourself via DHL. You will never see it again.

 

BURGLARS. When fleeing from the police, run with your right arm sticking out at 90?, wrapped in a baby mattress in case they set one of their dogs on you.

 

EMPLOYERS Avoid hiring unlucky people by immediately tossing half the CVs into the bin.

 

MEN When listening to your favourite CD, simply turn up the sound to the volume you desire; then turn it down three notches. This will save your wife from having to do it.

 

GAMBLERS. For a new gambling opportunity, try sending £50 to yourself by Royal Mail.

 

BANGING two pistachio nutshells together gives the impression that a very small horse is approaching.

 

BLIND PEOPLE Give yourself at least a chance of seeing something by not wearing heavy dark glasses all the time.

 

ALCOHOL makes an ideal substitute for happiness.

 

DRIVERS. If a car breaks down or stalls in front of you, beep your horn and wave your arms frantically. This should help the car start and send them on their way.

 

PREVENT burglars stealing everything in the house by simply moving everything in the house into your bedroom when you go to bed. In the morning, simply move it all back again.

 

CAR thieves Don't be discouraged when nothing is on view. All the valuables may be hidden in the glove box or under a seat.

 

DEPRESSED people Instead of attempting suicide as a 'cry for help', simply shout 'Help!' thus saving money on paracetamol, etc.

 

MOTORISTS Avoid getting prosecuted for using your phone whilst driving. Simply pop your mobile inside a large shell and the police will think you are listening to the sea.

 

JEREMY Beadle When selling DVDs on your TV advert, hold the disks in your bigger hand so that they do not appear to be the size of laser disks.

 

SHOES last twice as long if only worn every other day.

 

SINGLE men Convince people that you have a girlfriend by standing outside Etam with several bags of shopping, looking at your watch and occasionally glancing inside.

 

BOIL an egg to perfection without costly egg timers by popping the egg into boiling water and driving away from your home at exactly 60 mph. After 3 miles, phone your wife and tell her to take the egg out the pan.

 

ALCOHOLICS don't worry where the next drink is coming from. Go to the pub, where a large selection is available at retail prices.

 

McDONALD'S Make your brown carrier bags green in colour so they blend in with the countryside after they've been thrown out of car windows.

 

And the absolute belter for last

 

WOMEN Don't waste energy faking orgasms. Most men couldn't give a shit anyway and you could use the saved energy to hoover the house after you've been banged.

[Happy Face 29]

And a few letters...

 

If the failed 21/7 bombers had just waited three more days, we'd all be calling them the 24/7 bombers. This would imply that they blow things up all day every day and, despite their actual lack of success, make them at least sound like they were good at bombing.

 

Christina Martin, London

 

 

 

 

 

 

I just saw a van drive by with the company name 'Seafood Solutions'. I must admit, I didn't know seafood was a problem.

 

Martin Kristos

 

 

 

 

It is said that gentlemen prefer blondes. I hope then that lesbians prefer brunettes, otherwise we might have to organise some kind of rota system.

 

Johnny Pring

 

 

 

 

I'm beginning to think there may be something in this climate change after all. Four months ago it was very cold and now it's quite warm.

 

Alan Heath

 

 

 

 

A woman whose daughter was hospitalised in a US tornado told ITV News that "God would make her better." presumably, that's a different God from the one that almost killed her with a tornado.

 

M Lovejoy

 

 

 

 

"She can dish it out, but she cannot take it", I once heard someone say of me. And it's true - I'm a school dinner lady and I'm allergic to mashed potatoes.

 

Mrs Pinches, Hereford

 

 

 

 

I heard on the news that the January storms had cost this country a billion pounds. What an utter waste of money. If anything, they did more harm than good.

 

S Prodnipple, Scarborough

 

 

 

 

So Princes Harry and William are throwing a party to celebrate the 10th anniversary of their mother's death. I'm glad that they can finally laugh about it, but throwing a party seems a bit harsh.

 

D Antarctica, Rhyll

 

 

 

 

I think Sir Paul McCartney should try to put his current predicament into perspective. In olden days, if you were unfortunate enough to be robbed by an omniped, it would almost certainly be a pirate. At least he's going to come out of this alive.

 

Stella Matlock

 

 

 

 

What is it with diabetics? One minute they're on the floor with a loved one standing by screaming "Give him some chocolate! Give him some chocolate!" The next day someone offers them a piece of chocolate and quick as a flash they say "No thanks, I'm diabetic." I wish they'd get their story straight.

 

T Potter

 

 

 

 

Yesterday I received an e-mail from a bored housewife looking for some action. Eager to please the young lady I sent her my ironing. That should keep her quiet for a while.

 

Warren

 

 

 

 

THIS new police knife amnesty is a bloody nightmare. I dutifully handed all my knives in and now I've got nothing to eat my dinner with.

 

Richard Karslake, Oxfordshire

 

 

 

 

TO THE zookeeper in 1978 who replied "I'll tell you when you're older" when I asked him why one of the monkeys stuck its tongue up another one's arse: I'm 36 now and still waiting for that explanation.

 

Joe McKeown

 

 

 

 

I HAVE just returned from a diplomatic trip to the Congo and I can testify that at no point did I see anyone drinking Um Bongo.

 

Neil Palmer

 

 

 

 

I'M A terrorist, and when ID cards come into force I will probably employ great cunning and not declare that as my job. I'll probably say I'm a grocer or something.

 

A Terrorist

 

 

 

 

WHY DON'T NHS bosses start hiring obsessive compulsives as nurses? Their attention to hygiene and constant hand washing would see an end to MRSA outbreaks in no time.

 

Stu Bray

 

 

 

 

'Alton Towers - Where the magic never ends', or so the commercial says. Imagine my disappointment when it closed at 7.30.

 

Colum Hill

 

 

 

 

'Tonight there's gonna be a jailbreak', sang Thin Lizzy in 1976, 'somewhere in this town'. Well, I'm guessing it's going to be at the prison.

 

Raymond Wankyb *** cks

[luckyluke 2]

Viz is quite possibly the finest publication ever written. People who buy Private Eye are just deluding themselves.

[Happy Face 29]

Viz is quite possibly the finest publication ever written. People who buy Private Eye are just deluding themselves.

 

Difference is the content in private eye can be funny outside of the letters pages. The comics in viz are entirely humourless.

[luckyluke 2]

Viz is quite possibly the finest publication ever written. People who buy Private Eye are just deluding themselves.

 

Difference is the content in private eye can be funny outside of the letters pages. The comics in viz are entirely humourless.

 

I don't know, they have their moments - 'Arseless Chaps Moses' is a recent highlight.

[Happy Face 29]

Viz is quite possibly the finest publication ever written. People who buy Private Eye are just deluding themselves.

 

Difference is the content in private eye can be funny outside of the letters pages. The comics in viz are entirely humourless.

 

I don't know, they have their moments - 'Arseless Chaps Moses' is a recent highlight.

 

My most recent one I've enjoyed was Eminemis The Menace

Edited November 30, 2007 by Happy Face

[Happy Face 29]

In fact, all the humour you get from the strips is in the wiki descriptions...

 

Eight Ace – an alcoholic who drinks "Ace" beer (eight cans for £1.49) and struggles to stay on the right side of his wife and many children as a consequence. Many of the strips involve Ace being entrusted with or somehow managing to acquire exactly £1.49 which he inevitably uses to buy "Eight Ace". His real name has been mentioned as 'Octavius Tinsworth Ace'.

 

[Walliver 0]

Terry Fuckwit is my favourite strip. I have nothing to back this comment up with.

[Guest Patrokles]

Next time you go drink driving ask a friend or relative to follow you

on a moped carrying a camera. Then, if you crash, they can take the

blame.