Female world records

[Happy Face 29]

Couldn't find it, so here it is...

 

>Female version of the Guinness book of records:

>Amazingly, due to pressure from feminists, Guinness have been forced to

>publish a FEMALE version of the Guinness Book of Records. Here are a

>few a excerpts from the British edition:

>

>CAR PARKING

>The smallest kerbside space successfully reversed into by a woman was

>one of 19.36m (63ft 2ins), equivalent to three standard parking spaces,

>by Mrs Elizabeth Simpkins, driving an unmodified Vauxhall Nova 'Swing'

>on 12th October 2003. She started the manoeuvre at 11.15am in

>Ropergate, Pontefract, and successfully parked within three feet of the

>pavement 8 hours 14 minutes later. There was slight damage to the

>bumpers and wings of her own and two adjoining cars, as well as a shop

>frontage and two lamp posts.

>

>FILM CONFUSION

>The greatest length of time a woman has watched a film with her Husband

>without asking a stupid plot-related question was achieved on the 28th

>of October 1990, when Mrs Ethel Brunswick sat down with her husband to

>watch 'The Ipcress File'. She watched in silence for a breath-taking

>2mins 40 secs before asking "Is he a goodie or a baddie, him in the

>glasses?", This broke her own record set in 1962 when she sat through 2

>mins 38 secs of

>'633 Squadron' before asking "Is this a war film, is it?".

>

>INCORRECT DRIVING

>The longest journey completed with the handbrake on was one of 504km

>(313

>miles) from Stranraer to Holyhead by Dr Julie Thorn (GP) at the wheel

>of a Saab 900 on the 2nd April 1987. Dr. Thorn smelled burning two

>miles into her journey at Aird but pressed on to Holyhead with smoke

>billowing from the rear wheels. This journey also holds the records for

>the longest completed journey with the choke fully out and the right

>indicator flashing.

>

>JUMBLE SALE MASSACRE

>The greatest number of old ladies to perish whilst fighting at a Jumble

>sale is 98, at a Methodist Church Hall in Castleford, West Yorkshire on

>February 12th 1991. When the doors opened at 10.00am, the initial

>scramble to get in cost 16 lives, a further 25 being killed in a crush

>at the first table. A seven-way skirmish then broke out over a pinafore

>dress costing 10p which escalated into a full scale melee resulting in

>another 18 lives being lost. A pitched battle over a headscarf then

>ensued and quickly spread throughout the hall, claiming 39 old women.

>The jumble sale raised

>£5.28 for local boy scouts.

>

>GOSSIPING

>On February 18th 1992, Joyce Blatherwick, a close friend of Agnes

>Banbury popped round for a cup of tea and a chat, during the course of

>which she told Mrs. Banbury, in the strictest confidence, that she was

>having an affair with the butcher. After Mrs. Blatherwick left at 2.10pm, Mrs.

>Banbury immediately began to tell everyone, swearing them all to secrecy.

>By 2.30pm, she had told 128 people of the news. By 2.50pm it had risen

>to

>372 and by 4.00pm that afternoon, 2774 knew of the affair, including

>the local Amateur dramatic Society, several knitting circles, a

>coachload of American tourists which she flagged down and the butchers

>wife. When a tired Mrs Banbury went to bed at 11.55pm that night, Mrs

>Blatherwick's affair was common knowledge to a staggering 75,338

>people, enough to fill Wembley Stadium.

>

>GROUP TOILET VISIT

>The record for the largest group of women to visit a toilet

>Simultaneously is held by 147 workers at the Department of Social

>Security, Longbenton. At their annual Christmas celebration at a night

>club in Newcastle-Upon-Tyne on October 12th 1994, Mrs. Beryl Crabtree

>got up to the toilet and was immediately followed by 146 other members

>of the party. Moving as a mass, the group entered the toilet at 9.52pm

>and, after waiting for everyone to finish, emerged 2 hrs 37 mins later.

>

>SINGLE BREATH SENTENCE

>An Oxfordshire woman today became the first ever to break the Thirty

>minute barrier for talking without drawing breath. Mrs Mavis Sommers,

>48, of Cowley, smashed the previous record of 23 minutes when she

>excitedly reported an argument she'd had in the butchers to her

>neighbour. She ranted on for a staggering 32 minutes and 12 seconds

>without pausing for air, before going blue and collapsing in a heap on

>the ground. She was taken to Radcliffe Infirmary in a wheelbarrow but

>was released later after check-ups. At the peak of her mammoth

>motormouth marathon, she achieved an unbelievable 680 words per minute,

>repeating the main points of the story an amazing 114 times whilst her

>neighbour, Mrs. Dolly Knowles, nodded and tutted. The last third of the

>sentence was delivered in a barely audible croak, the last two minutes

>being mouthed only, accompanied by vigorous gesticulations and indignant spasms. Incredible eh!

[Lazarus 0]

[snakehips 0]

 

*is instantly reminded of watching The Good Shepherd at the movies the other day with his good lady*

[peasepud 59]

That is friggin spooky!

 

At 5.30 this evening I had a conversation at work where I told them about this fictional Book of records I had seen years earlier which mentioned a toilet visit by DSS staff.

 

[Tom_NUFC 0]

Ah, The Viz's Sexist Book of Records.

 

I also loved their Sexism Studies Exam paper.