Lazarus 0 Posted February 11, 2007 Share Posted February 11, 2007 Q. What do you call a Scotsman standing at his front door with one foot inside the house and the other outside the house? A. Hame-ish Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lazarus 0 Posted February 11, 2007 Author Share Posted February 11, 2007 A woman has twins and gives them up for adoption. One of them goes to a family in Egypt and is named "Ahmal." The other goes to a family in Spain; they name him "Juan. " Years later, Juan sends a picture of himself to his birth mother. Upon receiving the picture, she tells her husband that she wishes she also had a picture of Ahmal. Her husband responds, "They're twins! If you've seen Juan, you've seen Ahmal." Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckyluke 2 Posted February 11, 2007 Share Posted February 11, 2007 Go home. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Patrokles Posted February 11, 2007 Share Posted February 11, 2007 It's not the same if you don't start a new thread for each terrible joke. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest Patrokles Posted February 11, 2007 Share Posted February 11, 2007 Go hame. Missed a trick there. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Lazarus 0 Posted February 11, 2007 Author Share Posted February 11, 2007 A guy and his dog go into a barroom. The bartender says, "Hey, get that dog out of here... we don't allow dogs in here." Wait a minute, the guy says, "This is no ordinary dog ! This is 'Plato' the talking dog !" "Yeah, sure" says the bartender. I'll prove it to you," says the guy. "Plato... what's on top of a building?" "ROOF !" says the dog. "Look," says the bartender, "just how dumb do you think I am?" "Wait a minute," says the guy. "Plato, how does sandpaper feel?" "RUFF !" says the dog. "Do I have 'stupid' tattooed across my forehead or something," says the bartender. "Now get that dog out of here! " "Wait.. I'm not through", says the guy. "Plato, who was the greatest baseball player of all time?" "RUTH !" says the dog. "That does it !! " says the bartender, and he throws them both out on the street. Outside, the dog looks at his owner and says, "Do you think I should have gone with DiMaggio?" Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Meenzer 15870 Posted February 11, 2007 Share Posted February 11, 2007 The frontrunner in the Turkmen elections is called Gurbanguly Berdymukhamedov. Now that's funny. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GeordieMessiah 2 Posted February 12, 2007 Share Posted February 12, 2007 So...one day, this rabbit walks into a bar and asks the barman for a pint of lager and a cheese toastie. The barman duly serves the rabbit, and the rabbit goes and take a seat in the corner of the room. Having finished his drink and his snack, he then leaves. The rabbit comes back the next day, orders a pint and a cheese and ham toastie, a tuna and sweetcorn toastie and an egg and bacon toastie. He sits down in the same seat as before, supping his pint and nibbling his toasties, and when finished, he thanks the barman and leaves. The rabbit soon becomes a regular lunchtime visitor, each day ordering a pint and a variety of different toasties...it goes on for weeks until one day, the barman notices that the rabbit hasn't turned up for lunch. Crestfallen at the loss of such a valuable, regular punter, the barman ploughs on til last orders and upon closing up he clears the tables and stacks the chairs until he is startled by an ghostly apparition sat in the corner of the bar where the rabbit used to sit, day in, day out for the best part of a couple of months. The barman speaks to the rabbit's ghost: "What happened to you? You look terrible..." "Yeah," says the rabbit, "that's because I'm dead" "What did you die of?" asks the barman...to which the rabbit replies: "Mixing my toasties" With apologies to Les Dawson et al... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catmag 337 Posted February 12, 2007 Share Posted February 12, 2007 So...one day, this rabbit walks into a bar and asks the barman for a pint of lager and a cheese toastie. The barman duly serves the rabbit, and the rabbit goes and take a seat in the corner of the room. Having finished his drink and his snack, he then leaves. The rabbit comes back the next day, orders a pint and a cheese and ham toastie, a tuna and sweetcorn toastie and an egg and bacon toastie. He sits down in the same seat as before, supping his pint and nibbling his toasties, and when finished, he thanks the barman and leaves. The rabbit soon becomes a regular lunchtime visitor, each day ordering a pint and a variety of different toasties...it goes on for weeks until one day, the barman notices that the rabbit hasn't turned up for lunch. Crestfallen at the loss of such a valuable, regular punter, the barman ploughs on til last orders and upon closing up he clears the tables and stacks the chairs until he is startled by an ghostly apparition sat in the corner of the bar where the rabbit used to sit, day in, day out for the best part of a couple of months. The barman speaks to the rabbit's ghost: "What happened to you? You look terrible..." "Yeah," says the rabbit, "that's because I'm dead" "What did you die of?" asks the barman...to which the rabbit replies: "Mixing my toasties" With apologies to Les Dawson et al... That was my favourite joke when I was about 7! And that was a loooooooooooooooooooong time ago Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GeordieMessiah 2 Posted February 12, 2007 Share Posted February 12, 2007 Aye, mine too! Plenty more where that came from...like: Did you hear about the Irish woodworm? It was found dead in a brick. What's the difference between the New York mafia and the Glasgow mafia? One makes you an offer you can't refuse, the other makes you an offer ye cannae understand. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tooj 17 Posted February 12, 2007 Share Posted February 12, 2007 The geriatrics all come out to play at night eh folks? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catmag 337 Posted February 12, 2007 Share Posted February 12, 2007 The geriatrics all come out to play at night eh folks? Shut it you hairy-backed-gay-in-need-of-a-haircut-and-with-terrible-taste-in-jumpers Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tooj 17 Posted February 12, 2007 Share Posted February 12, 2007 The geriatrics all come out to play at night eh folks? Shut it you hairy-backed-gay-in-need-of-a-haircut-and-with-terrible-taste-in-jumpers Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GeordieMessiah 2 Posted February 12, 2007 Share Posted February 12, 2007 The geriatrics all come out to play at night eh folks? Shut it you hairy-backed-gay-in-need-of-a-haircut-and-with-terrible-taste-in-jumpers And he was so sure you loved it as well! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Meenzer 15870 Posted February 12, 2007 Share Posted February 12, 2007 I wish I'd never got rid of my copy of 3001 Jokes For Kids, I'd be the comedy god on here Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catmag 337 Posted February 12, 2007 Share Posted February 12, 2007 I wish I'd never got rid of my copy of 3001 Jokes For Kids, I'd be the comedy god on here That's definitely where I first read the rabbit joke Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Meenzer 15870 Posted February 12, 2007 Share Posted February 12, 2007 I wish I'd never got rid of my copy of 3001 Jokes For Kids, I'd be the comedy god on here That's definitely where I first read the rabbit joke Me too, I imagine. In fact I bet it was on a page where I Folded Down The Corner because it was One Of The Best Jokes. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GeordieMessiah 2 Posted February 12, 2007 Share Posted February 12, 2007 (edited) A man is working on the buses in the US collecting tickets. He rings the bell for the driver to set off when there's a woman half getting on the bus. The driver sets off, the woman falls from the bus and is killed. At the trial the man is sent down for murder and seeing as it's Texas he's sent to the electric chair. On the day of his execution he's sat in the chair and the executioner grants him a final wish. "Well" says the man, "is that your packed lunch over there?" "Yes" answers the executioner. "Can I have that green banana?" The executioner gives the man his green banana and waits till he's eaten it. When the man's finished, the executioner flips the switch sending hundreds of thousands of volts through the man. When the smoke clears the man is still alive. The executioner can't believe it. "Can I go?" the man asks. "I suppose so" says the executioner, "that's never happened before." The man leaves and eventually gets a job back on the buses selling tickets. Again he rings the bell for the driver to go when people are still getting on. A man falls under the wheels and is killed. The bloke is sent down for murder again and sent to the electric chair. The executioner is determined to do it right this time so rigs the chair up to the electric supply for the whole of Texas. The bloke is again sat in the chair. "What is your final wish?" asks the executioner. "Can I have that green banana in your packed lunch ?" says the condemned man. The executioner sighs and reluctantly gives up his banana. The bloke eats the banana all up and the executioner flips the switch. Millions of volts course through the chair blacking out Texas. When the smoke clears the man is still sat there smiling in the chair. The executioner can't believe it and lets the man go. Well, would you believe, the bloke gets his job back on the buses. Once again he rings the bell whilst passengers are still getting on, this time killing three of them. He is sent to the electric chair again. The executioner rigs up all United States electricity supply to The chair, determined to get his man this time. The man sits down in the chair smiling. "What's your final wish ?" asks the executioner. "Well" says the man, "Can I have that green banana out of your packed lunch.?" The executioner hands over his banana and the man eats it all, skin included. The executioner pulls the handle and a brazillion volts go through the chair. When the smoke rises the man is still sat there alive without even a burn mark. "I give up" says the executioner, "I don't understand how you can still be alive after all that?". He stroked his chin. "It's something to do with that green banana isn't it" he asked. "Nahh" said the bloke, "I'm just a really bad conductor" Edited February 12, 2007 by GeordieMessiah Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tooj 17 Posted February 12, 2007 Share Posted February 12, 2007 Why do women have orgasms? It gives them something else to moan about. Thanks guys I'm here all week. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Jusoda Kid 1 Posted February 12, 2007 Share Posted February 12, 2007 The jelly baby is standing in the bar when his mate the smartie walks in: Smartie: Hellow Jelly baby, hows it gannin? Baby: Not bad yersel? Smartie: Canny, it's shite in here do you fancy gannin doon that new club? Baby: Nor, I've heard it's ruff as fuck in there I'm keeping oot Smartie" Divven worry aboot it I'm a reet hard case me, I'll look after ya Baby: Alreet then I'll give it a blast So off they go to the nightclub Their only on their second pint when 4 big lozengers come over to them and kick off, Smartie does a runner and Baby ends up getting a right fucking kicking, they stamp all over his head and one of them bites his nose and one of of his ears off. After it all settles down smartie reappears looking sheepish. Smartie: Fuck me Baby look at the state a yee Baby: Where the fuck were ya? I thought you were a right hard case and you were ganna look after is Smartie: Fuck that, nee one messes with them Lozengers their menthol Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GeordieMessiah 2 Posted February 12, 2007 Share Posted February 12, 2007 How many policeman does it take to change a lightbulb? None. It just turns itself in. How many civil servants does it take to change a light-bulb? Ten. One to mess it up and nine to write the cover-up report. How many social workers does it take to change a light bulb? They do not change light bulbs; they search for the root cause as to why the last one went out. How many members of the starship Enterprise does it take to change a light bulb? Seven. Scotty will report to Captain Kirk that the light bulb in the Engineering Section is burnt out, to which Kirk will send Bones to pronounce the bulb dead. Scotty, after checking around, notices that they have no more new light bulbs, and complains that he can't see in the dark to tend to his engines. Kirk must make an emergency stop at the next uncharted planet, Alpha Regula IV, to procure a light bulb from the natives. Kirk, Spock, Bones, Sulu, and 3 red shirt security officers beam down. The 3 security officers are promptly killed by the natives, and the rest of the landing party is captured. Meanwhile, back in orbit, Scotty notices a Klingon ship approaching and must warp out of orbit to escape detection. Bones cures the native king who is suffering from the flu, and as a reward the landing party is set free and given all of the light bulbs they can carry. Scotty cripples the Klingon ship and warps back to the planet just in time to beam up Kirk et. al. The new bulb is inserted, and the Enterprise continues with its five year mission. How many Technical Support staff does it take to change a light bulb? "Well, we have an exact copy of your light bulb here and it seems to be working OK. Can you be more specific about the exact problem?..." How many British trades unionists does it take to change a light bulb? None. They cannot interfere with the light bulb's inalienable right to withdraw its labour. How many Chinamen does it take to change a light bulb? Thousands, because Confucius say many hands make light work. Why does it take a pre-menstrual woman 3 weeks to change a lightbulb? It just FUCKING DOES, ALRIGHT???!!!!! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
luckyluke 2 Posted February 12, 2007 Share Posted February 12, 2007 How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? Two. One to change it, and one to suck my cock. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
GeordieMessiah 2 Posted February 12, 2007 Share Posted February 12, 2007 How many feminists does it take to change a lightbulb? Two. One to change it, and one to suck my cock. Forgot that little beauty! Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
catmag 337 Posted February 12, 2007 Share Posted February 12, 2007 Why does it take a pre-menstrual woman 3 weeks to change a lightbulb? It just FUCKING DOES, ALRIGHT???!!!!! Just thought I'd humour you Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Super_Steve_Howey 0 Posted February 12, 2007 Share Posted February 12, 2007 How many Man U fans does it take to change a lightbulb? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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