Matty 0 Posted November 15, 2006 Share Posted November 15, 2006 Thinking of taking up this trendy new thing they call football, but not sure which team to support? Perhaps you're a politician with votes to win, or an entertainment artiste who's looking to have obscene songs sung about your sexual predilections... Whatever the reason, Football365 is here to help. Cast an eye over our handy checklist. If you answer 'Why-Aye Man' to five of the ten questions, read on for our 'cheat sheet' and off you go... The Checklist 1) When you're at an outdoor entertainment event and the temperature has dropped below freezing, do you feel an unaccountable urge to strip to the waist? 2) Do you prefer your team to sign a string of trophy players instead of winning actual trophies? 3) Are you looking for a team whose players have interests outside the game, such as perfecting the ability to park a Ferrari upside down on a swing-bridge? 4) Do you like nothing better than spending your time hanging about in an airport, and then posting on message boards that you've spotted Otmar Hitzfeld, Kaka, Ronaldinho, Alessandro Nesta and Gigi Buffon signing contracts in the VIP lounge? 5) Are you prepared to spend an entire midweek afternoon standing outside a football stadium in driving sleet, in order to welcome the new manager whose sacking you'll be demanding in one year's time? 6) Is your idea of a good atmosphere to sit in brooding silence for minutes at a time, before bellowing like a moose in rutting season when the referee doesn't give you that vital throw-in at the halfway line? 7) Do you like the idea of watching football with a fat man's naked belly resting on the back of your neck? 8) Eschewing the new fancy-dan, multi-millionaire playboy chairmen, are you looking for a club with the more traditional type who looks like Clive James after a car crash? 9) Is your desire to fit in with your fellow fans so strong that you welcome a club policy that refuses entry to anyone who isn't wearing at least seven items of replica kit from the club shop? 10) Women, do you sport a fake tan so vivid that people think you're an evacuee from Chernobyl? Men, do you find an F cup pinches a bit around the bosom? Five or more? Well, here you go... Hello...The Phone-In Phrases "Hello, is that 606? I just wanted to say the Geordie fans were fantastic today man, like!" "Hello, is that TalkSport? Alan Shearer was - still is, mind! - the best centre-forward in the country and an absolute legend and always wanted to elbow people in tha heed an' take penalties for THIS club, rather than go somewhere else and win stuff." "Hello, is that 606? Newcastle United are a massive club. MASSIVE, I'm tellin' yez." "Hello, is that Radio Newcastle? Geordie fans are the best in the country. By. A. Mile, man." Get The Accent The simplest way to get the Geordie accent is to eat one of the superheated, scalding pies served at St James', which strip the roof of your mouth and soon have you shouting angrily and speaking authentically. You Are The Pundit It's all about passion in the north east. Look at that sea of black and white. Club History Newcastle United Football Club was formed in 1992 by Kevin Keegan. How To Fit In With A Single Sentence Me fatha's boss's plumber's proctologist drinks in the same wine bar as the instructor what taught the lad Eto'o Spanish, like, and he swore BLIND that he divvent wanta go to Barceler-na in the first place and apparently he's comin' through the Newcastle first chance 'e gets. Patrick McCarthy Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
ewerk 30165 Posted November 15, 2006 Share Posted November 15, 2006 Twat. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest alex Posted November 15, 2006 Share Posted November 15, 2006 Cunt Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
curry stained pilchard 0 Posted November 15, 2006 Share Posted November 15, 2006 Cock Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
themags 0 Posted November 15, 2006 Share Posted November 15, 2006 F365 wrote for tossers, by tosser sorry matty Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ally 0 Posted November 15, 2006 Share Posted November 15, 2006 I really like F365 normally, but thats about as funny as cancer. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Matty 0 Posted November 15, 2006 Author Share Posted November 15, 2006 F365 wrote for tossers, by tosser sorry matty But you read it didn't you.....? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
themags 0 Posted November 15, 2006 Share Posted November 15, 2006 and i missed a "s" out Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
snakehips 0 Posted November 15, 2006 Share Posted November 15, 2006 Yawn. Can I laugh now? Prick. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Asprilla 96 Posted November 15, 2006 Share Posted November 15, 2006 Harsh but fair. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
snakehips 0 Posted November 15, 2006 Share Posted November 15, 2006 Harsh but fair. WHAT???? Are you serious???? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
MattM4 0 Posted November 15, 2006 Share Posted November 15, 2006 Going after all the stereotypes, unimaginative shite. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Asprilla 96 Posted November 15, 2006 Share Posted November 15, 2006 Harsh but fair. WHAT???? Are you serious???? Like it or not, these fans exist and they are the ones that FFS appeals to with this Geordie Nation shite. The media are a lazy bunch and will pickup on the facts that make the best story....even if a good percentage of Newcastle fans are intelligent, articulate and worldly wise Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tom 14011 Posted November 15, 2006 Share Posted November 15, 2006 Kicking us when we are down. I still think we are a big club.... in a fan base kind of way and the fact were very well known around the world... whos this stupid cunt support like:? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
David Kelly 1217 Posted November 15, 2006 Share Posted November 15, 2006 Harsh but fair. How can something be Harsh and Fair? Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sweetleftpeg 0 Posted November 15, 2006 Share Posted November 15, 2006 I can take a joke with the best of them, but that's just awful. Cunt indeed. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Matty 0 Posted November 15, 2006 Author Share Posted November 15, 2006 I don't see the joke in it tbh. Just throwing stereotypical insults. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Tobias 0 Posted November 15, 2006 Share Posted November 15, 2006 Who in the fuck does he think he is anywayz cock end Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Ayatollah Hermione 13760 Posted November 15, 2006 Share Posted November 15, 2006 I really like F365 normally, but thats about as funny as cancer. I'd rate crippling diseases as funnier. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Asprilla 96 Posted November 15, 2006 Share Posted November 15, 2006 Harsh but fair. How can something be Harsh and Fair? Simon Cowell? ...Like it or not, as a semi outsider I maybe have an advantage at knowing what people think of outside "the goldfish bowl" My take on it: 1: Far too much gets made here of "London Bias".... anyone who's lived in London would know it's not that London has any vendetta against anywhere, it's just insular. My Northumbrian neighbour thinks all Londoners spend their day thinking about how they can get one over the "country folk"...In truth they don't give a toss, they're worried about crime, terrorism and parking... 2: As a city, Newcastle has a schitzophrenic view of itself...it wants to laugh at itself but it doesn't like it when people don't take it seriously. 3: There is an enormous pride in the club and the area...unfortunately, I believe this stems from a lack of opportunity for many people who associate with the club as a break from their own problems. I'm not having a pop, but there is a comedic element which I think holds the club back. The pie boy is playing to the wrong fans. The fact that an internationally respected "local lad" (SBR) is out in the cold says a lot about where we have gone wrong as a club. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Guest alex Posted November 15, 2006 Share Posted November 15, 2006 I wouldn't disagree with the points AF makes. However the things that pissed me off about a lot of the stuff in this 'article' is that it's 'humour' based on inaccuracies: "Are you prepared to spend an entire midweek afternoon standing outside a football stadium in driving sleet, in order to welcome the new manager whose sacking you'll be demanding in one year's time?" particularly got my goat, which was no doubt the intention of the piece. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Papa Lazaru 0 Posted November 15, 2006 Share Posted November 15, 2006 Harsh but fair. How can something be Harsh and Fair? Simon Cowell? ...Like it or not, as a semi outsider I maybe have an advantage at knowing what people think of outside "the goldfish bowl" My take on it: 1: Far too much gets made here of "London Bias".... anyone who's lived in London would know it's not that London has any vendetta against anywhere, it's just insular. My Northumbrian neighbour thinks all Londoners spend their day thinking about how they can get one over the "country folk"...In truth they don't give a toss, they're worried about crime, terrorism and parking... 2: As a city, Newcastle has a schitzophrenic view of itself...it wants to laugh at itself but it doesn't like it when people don't take it seriously. 3: There is an enormous pride in the club and the area...unfortunately, I believe this stems from a lack of opportunity for many people who associate with the club as a break from their own problems. I'm not having a pop, but there is a comedic element which I think holds the club back. The pie boy is playing to the wrong fans. The fact that an internationally respected "local lad" (SBR) is out in the cold says a lot about where we have gone wrong as a club. The London bias thing isn't particular to Newcastle its something thought by most cities (particularly Northern) outside of London and isn't unique to football, its also correct! Also its not aimed at Londoners themselves as much as the media, people in power and suchlike who think London is the centre of the known universe and that all other cities should bow down before it! I agree in part with part 2. though its applicable to most places/people that they don't like too much stick being aimed at them, but plenty of geordies do laugh at themselves. And i have no doubt that people outside of the area think alot of the "hilarious article" that started this thread is true based on what little they see.hear in the media about Newcastle. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
sweetleftpeg 0 Posted November 15, 2006 Share Posted November 15, 2006 A very small minority have done those things in the past, so we're all brandished as dickheads it seems. Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Dr Gloom 21760 Posted November 15, 2006 Share Posted November 15, 2006 it's harder to laugh at yourself. it's fairly accurate though tbh - we'd all be laughing at a piece full of similar sterotypes of say, the scousers... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
Isegrim 9680 Posted November 15, 2006 Share Posted November 15, 2006 A very small minority have done those things in the past, so we're all brandished as dickheads it seems. TBH the article is a reflection of a lot of what can be found on this GREAT board. If it was about another club people would laugh about it... Link to comment Share on other sites More sharing options...
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