AsprillaTheGod

Sod off, I've been watching since Wor Jackie Hillburn played...

I know what he's really up to... He's fucking here to set us up. He's been paid off by Blackburn to swoon in and send us down just to keep Blackburn afloat in the Prem. Think about it... Sam Allardyce put us in this mess by signing shite, then he fucks off to Blackburn and they start performing? Yeah, likely fucking story. Now Shearer is here to finish us off. Sod the Cockney Mafia, this is the fucking Blackburn Mafia and they're much more of a threat.

We're in severe danger of dropping out of the Prem for the first time, and this'll destroy the club... We need to make changes just to keep the club alive!! We need to change the clubs badge... I mean, Horses with gay little tails? Screw that, we need Dragons. 3 of them. Breathing Fire... That'll scare the shit out of teams when they see our badge, maybe when the team comes of the tunnel we can play roars over the sound system with fire coming out of the pitch at random areas. F*ck Yeah, that'll be awesome... Imagine the look on Lee Cattermoles face as Antonio Valencia gets 3rd degree burns to 95% of his body. He'd shit his pants. We then need to change the kit. Black and White stripes is just too 80's and nobodies scared of that shit anymore... We need to distract the other teams. Illuminous blue, orange and green stripes with flashing LED's just to take the piss and give other players epilepsy. At the very least, I want Red and White stripes. We need to sign players with better names. Danny Shithouse Guthrie is fine, but Jonas Gutierrez sounds like some irritating little mexican who cleans pools for a living. Ruel Fox, Ernestro Mondragon, Danny Tiatto, Basir Savage... Have them compile a line up and, f*ck me, there'd be tears and orgasms of fear.

Our Shithouse, Who art in Tyneside, Danny Guthrie be thy name Thy Nolan done Thy will be done On earth as it is in Mike Ashley's Bathtub PRAY TO THE GUTH AND WE WILL BE SAVED GUUUUUUUUUUTTTTTTTTTTTTHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH GUUUUUUUUUUTTTTTTTTTTTTTHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH GUUUUUUUUUUUUUTTTTTTTTTTTTTHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Ding Ding Ding, We have a winner... Judging by your photo, we have the winner to be Beardsley's stand in when he's too busy to occupy the bell tower. You might have to get a bit of a haircut though, as Beardsley's is slightly more fashionable than that mess.

Just what is Mike Ashley up to? I have it on good authority that Mike Ashley not only has a tottenham tattoo on his back, but has been visiting Joe Kinnear daily and feeding him with various butter filled pastries in order to induce a heart attack, hoping to finish him off once and for all. The club is about to be rocked by the announcement that not only is Xisco a homosexual, but Jonas and Andy "Big Dog" Carroll prefer the company of horses... Dennis Wise has been bringing these sordid sex acts to the club by subtlely leaving porn in the players cars, and inviting them into his office to watch "match tapes". Good news is that rebuilding of St James Park can begin, with the north stand being completely redeveloped to hold 40,000 fans with 200 bars only serving Brown Ale and butter filled pastries, to be renamed the "Joe Kinnear Memorial Stand" apparently. Also included this is a new bell tower for Beardsley to inhabit, although at the moment it's unclear whether a new gypsy for him to fall in love with will be hired by the club. I'll post more info when I have it.

You can't be a real member of the toon army... hound him out boys, he's a member of the cockney mafia.

Long time supporter of the toon, and I cant believe what i'm seeing... We've got decent players like Jonas and Guthrie surrounded by absolute toilet, like Owen and Alan Smith... It's just not good enough for a club thats supposed to be pressing for the Champions League. We need to get rid of Colin Calderwood, he's an evil conspiritor of the cockney mafia who's been sent in by Ashley to destroy the good work done by Graeme Sounness. We need to bring the quality similar to when the machine gun toting legend that is Faustino was signed... Ketzbia, Carr, Bramble, Boumsong and Warren Barton, these were inspired signings worthy of any club. Bring Shaun Goater out of retirement and recreate the archetypal big man small man partnership with Obafemi the Savage. Team Jonas up with Ruel Fox and have a midfield dynamo, in the mould of Igor Biscan, to partner Danny "Sh*thouse" Guthrie in midfield. Do this by next season and we'll be sorted.