Monkeys Fist

These are averages though- if you factor in the first blushes of romance and the related shagathons, then the “ go to the bathroom and DIY” when said partner can’t be arsed towards the end of the marriages, three seems about right. You’re making the assumption it’s always with a woman, Vincent Vanilla. Even if you massage the figures , you’re in your Gran for way longer.

Carrying on this fascinating topic… The average marriage/long-term relationship in the Uk lasts 12.9 yrs. If we say that sexy time is three times a week, on average, and that you’re actually inside your partner for 5 minutes each session , on average, that means you’re inside for 15 minutes a week. Over the 12.9 yrs, that’s 10,062 minutes, or 6.98 days. Let’s call it a week that you’re inside your partner in total. The female reproductive system, including ovaries and eggs, is fully formed at 20 weeks in a normal pregnancy, meaning that we are all inside Granny for waaaay longer (20 weeks), than we are inside our chosen partner*

Slightly on-topic, but, since every woman is born with every egg she’ll ever produce already formed, this means that the eggs must’ve been there before her birth. Which means that everyone, even non-mackems, has spent time inside their Granny.

I’m sure you called him a cunt in 2011

Why not ask our North Of The Border Author in Residence?

So, hypothetically, if you were a first team player at a reawakened sleeping giant of a club, and you had a lass with famously massive jammers, you wouldn’t be daft enough to put your personal mobile number on a delivery note, thereby placing it in the hands of an amoral tiddy-fiend who might, hypothetically , know someone who can hack in to phones and look for tiddy pics would you?

Has he had some kind of Grandad makeover? Looks like the male version of the owld boilers in Fenwicks biddy dept. edit; FUCK ME! He’s only 57!

I hope he didn’t buy Targett’s gaff, it’ll need a Crime Scene Cleaners company doing their stuff, the manky fucker.

Wykiki’s not arsed as long as he gets a shot on Gordon’s lasses chebs.

Can we have a Best of Wankers video for Chelsea please, like the one posted earlier from the Spuds fans?

Fear of catching the bad AIDS. Going to a club and seeing blokes in suits. MTV when it played music videos. Brazilians ( not the footballers, the quim trims). fucking Le Breves.

Good news for NUWFC, too, this lad. He’s very keen on the gels.

I’m not 100% convinced by this Mitchell bloke’s credentials tbh. I think before I say yay or nay I’ll have to mullet over.

HAIR NETS!!!

Between dubs and Pope, I wonder who he fancies in nets?

If he does come, we’ll have to drop Carmina Burana, since one of his terms of employment is that all his teams come out to Adagio for Strings. It’s by his favourite composer.

You’ve absolutely rinsed us, yeah

Maybe TOMORROW!!!!

“Split like a cheese string”.

This lad is apparently already combing the European leagues for fringe players, trying to convince them to come to a parting of the ways with their clubs and join us in our crowning glory years.

Don’t you WFH? Shocking behaviour this like.

Keep it up lads. I’m parked in Wideopen and I’ve just seen Gemmill toss his phone away and kick the dog. Seems to be in a bit of a lather.