Monkeys Fist

Flying out at 12:00pm. Arse is like a goldfish’s gob.

Renton, just imagine how many fucking seagulls there’ll be.

Are we talking old school porn- i.e. actual mags? I gather the Northern Producer is relatively small as rigs go, but that link rates it fairly well as far as conditions etc. I think I’ve to get a plane from Aberdeen to Sullum Voe, then chopper to the rig. Whoopee

If it was, then this gives you a good idea of what joys you missed.

Apparently the Northern Producer? I’m grinding my way through an interminable set of seemingly never ending online induction courses right now, but I gather that’s the best training for the offshore experience

Man bun. Beard Tatts Guaranteed.

Isn’t Gloom a hoverboy?

Got a start offshore this Friday. Just a week for the first trip, out of Aberdeen, for Global Energy Group. Buzzing

You’ve got to look at Rafa’s age and sell-on value before coming up with a value. ( Also, wages throughout the contract need to be in the price). Innit, you Fackin Norvern Mahnkeys

Nerd wars kicking off … strap in lads, shit is about to go down

Are you even remotely surprised?

It’s easy to mistype with 6 fingers.

There are bacteria living in rocks 2 miles under the Earths crust that are more interesting than Paul Scholes.

Close enough…

Why would they sing that in Pennywell, Meenz old chap?

Aye, but they’ll pay me more to put up with it

Drugs are baaaad, mm’kay?

How To Sound Like An Absolute Cunt- Lesson 1

Still trying mate. Might have something offshore lined up in Dubai ( ) in September. Meanwhile, I’ll be Victor Meldrewing my way through waves of incompetent twats onshore.

Mildly exasperated. Took some sub-contracting work last week, just off Threadneedle St. which was nightshifts. Arrived on site Tuesday evening- client hadn’t been informed we were arriving, couldn’t work Tuesday. Wednesday; Went in, familiarised myself with site, inventoried kit and checked the steam cleaner- half of it was missing. Couldn’t work Wednesday Thursday; Spent the afternoon schlepping around Lahndan trying to replace missing gear, managed to get half of it, but I’d be able to get started that night. Go to site, finally able to start- rig ropes whilst it’s still light, come down and set up steam cleaner, switch it on… its fucked, not heating water. Couldn’t work Thursday. Friday: I’m sent instructions to perform a repair, but will need to buy some tools, so I take a lovely afternoon stroll along Cable Street, past the site the Fascists got their arses kicked, and pick up some tools. Later, head in to site to carry out repair. Carry out repair. It’s still fucked. I’m given a number to ring for an engineer, have a chat with him, he confirms that it’s fucked, and won’t be able to un-fuck it until Monday. I relay all this back to Contractor, telling them to have it fixed/replaced on Monday. Couldn’t work Friday I came home late Friday, just got the train to ‘Boro this morning to leave from there at midday. Im told on arrival at Boro offices that it’s still fucked, so I’ve come home, telling all involved to pull their heads out of their arses and stop wasting my fucking time. Still, getting paid 4x 12 hr shifts for nowt, plus travel and expenses.

And then pops his knee out, and is injured for the next 5 years.

Sheath, not sword.

She’s just gone to the shitter, revealing her snacks for the morning. I didn’t realise Greggs did carrier bags.

I think it’s a Lesbian Perm